Complex Blog » Joe Biden

Caught on Tape! A History of Political First Pitches

jerwin — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 21:54:25 +0000

There are plenty of ways for politicians to embarrass themselves (getting busted for foot-tapping comes to mind), but few are as public as bouncing the ceremonial first pitch at baseball games. Yesterday President Obama announced that he would be making his first first pitch as Commander-in-Chief in two weeks when he’ll take the mound before the MLB All-Star Game in St. Louis (in 2005 he threw out the opening ball as a U.S. Senator (above) at a playoff game for his beloved Chicago White Sox).

The Prez has a lot to live up to with his toss: one of the ~~few~~ only things his predecessor did really well was throw first pitch strikes, and in the immortal words of baseball fan Phife Dawg (whose favorite jam back in the day was “Eric B. is President”): “You don’t want to make a pitch that’s wild.” To get a sense of how other politicians have fared on the mound, we take a look back at the History of Political First Pitches…

POLITICIAN: Mark Mallory, Mayor of Cincinnati, Ohio
DATE: April 2, 2007
GAME: Cincinnati Reds Opening Day
• If Obama fudges the first pitch this badly, he’ll have to answer to the Special Olympics again.

POLITICIAN: Dick Cheney, Former Vice President
DATE: April 1, 2006
GAME: Washington Nationals Opening Day
• To be fair, the veep had them ban beer sales during this game so the ovation has nothing to do with his politics. Nothing.

POLITICIAN: Jim and Joe Bernard, Mayor and Former Mayor of Milwaukie, Oregon
DATE: April 1, 2007
GAME: North Clackamas local league
• We’re not sure which one in this father/son duo actually tossed the first pitch, but we know that mess was weak. Underhanded? Really?

POLITICIAN: George W. Bush, Former President
DATE: April 6, 2009
GAME: Texas Rangers Opening Day
• Best. Throwing. President. Ever. Yee-haw!

POLITICIAN: Blaine Luetkemeyer, Missouri Congressman
DATE: June 2009
GAME: Hannibal Caveman Game (huh?)
• Wow. Obama is so much cooler than this guy.

POLITICIAN: Joe Biden, Vice President
DATE: April 6, 2009
GAME: Baltimore Orioles Opening Day
• Biden’s got a history of shooting himself in the foot, so we’re a little surprised he actually got off a decent pitch here.

How To Pick Up Female Voters On Election Day

justinm — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 22:13:06 +0000

Vote yes for sex!

You already know everything there is to know about Presidential Candidates John McCain and Barack Obama and their VeePeez Sarah Palin and Joe Biden (seriously, you’ve watched almost every episode of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, The Colbert Report AND Saturday Night Live for like the past two weeks). Reading a few more propagandist leaflets while you wait on an historically long line to cast your vote will do you no good, so why not take the opportunity to pick up chicks?

With this in mind, Complex presents an analysis of all different types of female voters, from the far right to the far left, and how you can stuff their ballot box on Election Day. Fuck politics, it’s time to poll-a-trick!

Click here to find out about each type of girl you’ll encounter at the polls.

Vice President Rap Battle: Sarah Palin Vs. Joe Biden

justinm — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 20:54:53 +0000

Like prizefighters at a weigh-in, Vice Presidential candidates Sarah Palin and Joe Biden can’t wait until Thursday’s debate to tear each other apart. With everything on the line and so much smack to talk, they decided to take it to the streets and face off with raw battle raps (a proud tradition started by Spiro Agnew and Edmund Muskie in 1968). No teleprompters here. Just dirty politics at its dirtiest. Check our their verses below and vote to determine who goes into the debate with an edge…

SARAH PALIN’S VERSE:
Ask Todd, you gettin’ sodomized with this Idita-rod
I drop them dogs, now you lookin’ like Mike Vick’s backyard
Straight mauled by a pit bull in high heels and Revlon
Giuliani’s wet dream, I’m right-wing, you dead wrong
Made a move for the Senate, threw Delaware all on your back
But your chances be slimmer than Selma Blair when I attack
The GOP love me, they say I energize the base
But I give senators a taste of how I genocide their race
You ran in ‘88 and you went out like Nino Brown
Stole a keynote speech, that how you actin’ so flagrino now?
You the gaffe machine, I’m Governor No-Vaseline
You comin’ off the dome? You might just need an aspirine to match the queen
I’ll smash your dreams, filibuster your plans, this filly crush your demands,
You’re like a fucking hazelnut with a tan
You on some Reach-toothbrush-ad-fliptop-jaw type of horseshit,
Wooden teeth, lookin’ like a George Washington portrait
But I don’t see you on no ones, I make it rain with oil money
'Fore I see you with this gun you better keep it loyal, dunny
Your son worked for a bank that lobbied you, you ho for profits
I’m your favorite topic, but you’ll never taste this Oval Office
In a battle you’re Vanilla Ice, but I’m Wasilla Spice,
I forgot your name quicker than I forgot the Bill of Rights
Sarah Nightmare came near and you got scared and ran clear
Believe I rep for mavericks like I was Erick Dampier
As for Kidds, why you think I named ‘em Trig, Track and Bristol?
Miss Big pack the pistol, push wigs back, won’t miss you
I click-clack, no issue, blow your nose off, no tissue
If you front like J’s hood you gonna make me Jadakiss you
Get in you quick like Inuits when guttin’ tuna fish
Believe me, slick, this barracuda’s kiss is somethin ruinous
Got the religious right screamin’ “Glory Be!” and “Hallelujah!”
Want some jewels? I’m gonna go ahead and GET THOSE TO YAH!

JOE BIDEN’S VERSE:
The great debate: world leader or cheerleader?
Sharpest thing 'bout you's the razor that shaved your bare beaver
I have to drop you for the good of the kids
Smartest thing to come out your mouth shoulda been Trig
Bible-beating, hockey-cheering, rifle-toting moron
Thought you bore arms cause you got fisted to the forearm
Not all there, though you are quite a looker
Tried to walk to your neighbor's in Russia to ask for sugar
Dumb as can be and this country don't need
A backwards-ass W.T. bumpkin V.P.
Especially not one who believes the Bush Doctrine
Is get a Brazilian and put cock in
Tell me, how exactly would you fix this shit economy?
You'll solve something when Trig gets trigonometry
Your only policy's vagina or dome
I'll bury you in debate like God did dinosaur bones
You'd sully the flag if you governed on the rag
But your overactive vag never touches maxi-pads
That pussycat sees more spilled milk than saucers
Every 9 months, spawn's pawned off on your daughters
You talk conservative, clutching on your Bible
But hubby's hockey stick ain't the one flicking in your five-hole (nice goal)
Whore for Cleetus, every day you're more egregious
If you won't walk with Jesus, at least abort the fetus
Think you got chick votes, you ain't Hilary Rodham
It's not birth control, so what pills are you popping?
Come the debate, I'll have you slain in a flash
Biden riding Amtrak, running train on that ass
Only on the ticket cause you look like Tina Fey
And dudes wanna blast DNA on your TNA
Semen spray! Duck! Paramedics have you rushed off
The first politrick assassinated by bust-off!

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Joe Biden and Joe Budden: Separated at Birth?

prubin — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 18:09:27 +0000

Today marks the third of four days at the Democratic National Convention, and tonight is the much-anticipated speech by presumptive vice-presidental nominee Joe ~~Budden~~ Biden. Sure, our prediction was spot on, because we’re nice like that, but we couldn’t help thinking that the Delaware senator has more in common with Jersey Joe than just a homophonic name (ayo!). In fact, if you break it down to the very last compound, Joe Biden is the Joe Budden of politics.

Peep the similarities before Senator Jumpoff grabs the mic tonight…

THE LONG CON(VERSATION)
Biden: Known for his lengthy filibusters.
Budden: Known for rapping longer than is reasonably necessary. Wrap it up, B!

LOVING THE LADIES
Biden: Authored the Violence Against Women Act in 1994.
Budden: Did violence against his taste buds by lunching on Gloria Velez.

SALT OF THE EARTH
Biden: Famously takes the train from Washington to Delaware every night to see his family.
Budden: Pushes a whip far below his pay grade. Or so he tells us.

LAW AND ORDER
Biden: Dropped out of the 1988 presidential race after being accused of plagiarizing a British politician’s speeches.
Budden: Used to jack electronics when he worked at Circuit City back in the day. Of course, the power of karma means that he’s platinum on the net, but aluminum in the streets.

FRIENDS IN HIGH PLACES
Biden: Bono
Budden: Kevin…Liles?

BEEF: IT’S NOT WHAT’S FOR DINNER
Biden: Sent shots across Obama’s bow in the early presidential debates last year, now as sweet as pie.
Budden: The most passive-aggressive MC since The Game. I don’t dis you, I just write rhymes about dissing you.