When a bunch of sweaty jocks, jock managers, and jock handlers are dangling around a locker room, slapping asses, 11 times out of 10 some thick neck genius is gonna call somebody a “homo fag queer cocksucker faggot ass-pirate” or something equally clever. You see, there’s still a lot of homophobia in sports, so it comes as no surprise that Marcello Lippi, coach of Italy’s national soccer team, recently told a web TV program, after anti-gay violence in Rome made headlines, that he’d never allow openly homosexual players to play for Italy because it would create scandal. Gay rights groups blew a whistle on him for the foul. If you needed a reminder that there are a lot of bigots who play with balls, just check out past slips of the tongue that created controversy.

TIM HARDAWAY
• After retired NBA center John Amaechi came out of the closet in 2007, the former all-star point guard went on a radio show to commit career suicide, saying flatly, “I hate gay people, so I let it be known. I don’t like gay people and I don’t like to be around gay people. I am homophobic.” On the bright side, he knows the definition of homophobic!

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PAUL SCHOLES
• After referee Frank De Bleeckere gave him a yellow card for a bad tackle in a 2006 Champions League match, the Manchester United midfielder allegedly called him a “fucking poof.” We think that’s bad, but we don’t speak magician.

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JOHN ROCKER
• In a January 2000 Sports Illustrated article, the steroidal Atlanta Braves pitcher pissed off gays, saying he’d never play in New York because he didn’t want to sit next to “some queer with AIDS” on the 7 train. John, John, John. Not all gay people are attracted to an asshole.

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GREG MCMACKIN
• In July 2009, at a Western Athletic Conference media preview, the University of Hawaii’s head football coach described a Notre Dame shimmy he’d seen as “this little faggot dance,” dropping two more f-bombs. We expected a tad more sensitivity from a man leading the Rainbow Warriors.

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DANA WHITE
• In 2009, after reading a mixed martial arts article that he didn’t agree with, Ultimate Fighting Championship President Dana White recorded a video tirade in which he called the writer, Loretta Hunt, “a fucking moron” and also let slip a gay slur. Low blow, Dana.

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TOTTENHAM HOTSPURS FANS
• When Portsmouth defender Sol Campbell played his former team in September 2008, onetime supporters got themselves arrested, fined, and banned from the grounds for a variety of racist and homophobic chants, including: “He’s big, he’s black, he takes it up the crack, Sol Campbell, Sol Campbell.” Guess Spurs and ass-less chaps don’t go together after all.

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OZZIE GUILLEN
• In May 2007, the often-offensive manager of the Chicago White Sox expressed his displeasure with critical Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti by calling him a “fucking fag.” In his subsequent apology, Guillen said, “I don’t have anything against those people. In my country [Venezuela], you call someone something like that and it is not the same as it is in this country.” It’s actually an invitation to slow-dance, gringos!

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MIKE TYSON
• At a 2002 press conference that turned into a brawl with Lennox Lewis’s camp, Iron Mike focused his rage on a spectator who’d yelled that he should be put in a straight jacket, screaming, “I’ll eat your asshole alive, bitch!” and “I’ll fuck you till you love me, faggot!” On second thought, maybe he was just cruising.

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NEW YORK RANGERS FANS
• Late in hockey games at Madison Square Garden, it is tradition for Rangers fan Larry Goodman to dance goofily and be broadcast on the big screen, at which point his fellow fans put the gays amongst them ill at ease chanting, “Homo Larry!” And yet men on skates somehow elude their homophobia.

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MATT MILLEN
• In 2003, after Johnnie Morton, a Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver who had returned to beat the Lions years after being cut from the team by Millen, snubbed a handshake and told him to kiss his ass, Detroit’s president responded, “You faggot!” Ironically, Millen bent over for the entire NFL in 2008, getting fired as his historically bad team went 0-16.

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The six-time NBA All-Star was known as “The Reign Man” when he was slamming down ferocious dunks for the Seattle SuperSonics in the ’90s, but these days a more accurate nickname for him is “Heavy Drizzle.” Kemp last played in the NBA in 2002-03 and is most relevant as a cautionary tale of self-destruction. Now he’ll be able to destroy relations between the U.S. and Italy too. Read on to see five ways that he could get it done…

SPREAD HIS SEED

Kemp’s penne with special sauce is a family recipe responsible for (at least) seven kids by six women. The secret ingredient? Not being present to raise the kids. Just wait until some hot-tempered Italian dad finds out his daughter just got boxed out holding Kemp’s eighth seed. Homie Spumoni did less damage to ethnic relations.

GET FAT(TER)

Kemp looks like he’s in great shape now'he’s been desperately busting his fat ass in the gym to get another contract (child support doesn’t pay itself, folks). Of course, gluttony is the American way of life, and there’s absolutely no way he stays in shape once he gets to the endless plate of pasta that is Italy. Our early prediction: By midseason, he’ll lead the league in assisting himself to extra cannolis.

HAVE A DRUG RELAPSE

On second thought, maybe it’s not the best idea to throw a bunch of money at a recovering coke addict… What happens when Kemp gets depressed (yet again) because he’s eaten too much pasta and gotten fat (yet again)? How long before he desecrates the Italian game, drawing a suspension for trying to snort the free throw line?

SCARE OFF ASPIRING BALLERS
While the NBA recently instituted an age limit to keep kids from going pro directly out of high school, European kids go pro in their early teens. After seeing the mess that is Kemp, and learning that he jumped to the league without playing any college ball, Italian ballers will start favoring doctorates over dunks. Grazie, Kemp, accidental advocate for child labor laws!

PAVE THE WAY FOR STEPHON MARBURY
New York Knick headcase Stephon Marbury said he’s going to play in Italy after his NBA contract expired and everyone laughed, but if an Italian team will shell out to bring Kemp’s tired, troubled ass overseas, Starbury can’t be far behind. One question: How do you ask an impressionable intern if they wanna fuck in your truck in Italian?

Well, after 28 years, the final film in the trilogy is finally hitting theatres. Mother Of Tears, which stars the director’s daughter Asia Argento (you might remember her from XXX), follows the story of an American student in Rome who uncovers an ancient urn that unleashes the power of a witch upon the city. Argento’s movies are known for their stylish use of color and sound, along with a tendency towards amble gore and sex. The film is getting a limited U.S. release on Friday (June 6), so check out the trailer below.

Mother Of Tears (2008) trailer:

BONUS:

Suspiria (1977) Trailer:

Inferno (1980) Trailer: