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Complex Exclusive! A Look Inside R. Kelly’s Mansion

prubin — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 20:43:41 +0000

In a stunning P.R. move, embattled and possibly insane R&B legend R. Kelly invited a gang of “music journalists” to his house in the Chicago suburbs last night, where he previewed tracks from his upcoming album and generally made the journalists feel important and more likely to not judge Kellz for his allegedly freaky tendencies. And it worked! Everyone from cable TV titans to our favorite radio employee wrote glowing accounts of the evening. Are we sad we weren’t invited?

Well, yes and no. Yes because we found it odd that we’re deemed not as important as people whose contribution to journalism amounts to a Blogspot account, and no because WE WENT TO HIS HOUSE ANYWAY, BITCHES*. What, you thought Complex wouldn’t find a way around some bullshit-ass guard dogs? Not only did we go, but we went rogue in that piece like Jack muhfuckin’ Bauer. Get ready for a look inside R. Kelly’s crib, Complex-style….

7:31 P.M.
Blend in with the pack of music journalists on their way in. They keep referring to themselves as a “gaggle of reporters.” Pretty sure that means they gaggle on artists’ balls for access.

7:45 P.M.
R. Kelly’s butler, “Number One,” serves everyone lemonade. He says it’s officially called a “You’re In R. Kelly’s House Now Cocktail,” or just “You’re In” for short. The glass is warm to the touch. I pass.

8:00 P.M.
Sneak out of the room and down a back hallway, where I find a map kiosk like they have in malls. This dude has a TCBY on the third floor! Gotta remember to stop by the “Feelin’ On Yo Beauty Salon” for an edge-up before I leave.

8:21 P.M.
Converge with journalists as they’re being ushered into the studio. Yes, there’s actually an usher. And it’s actually Usher! He looks sad. I excuse myself to use the restroom.

8:29 P.M.

Nice touch on the novelty urinal cakes, Kellz! Could do without the yellow food coloring in the faucets, though.

8:31
Start poking around the studio area. One of these rooms looks reeeeeally familiar. Oh, this is the room where a guy who totally wasn’t R. Kelly had sex with an underage girl!

8:36 P.M.
Hey, where do these stairs go? Very courteous of the R, though: “Watch Your Step In the Name of Love.”

8:38 P.M.

Holy SHIT. This can’t be a warehouse of R. Kelly Sex Robots. There’s just no way.

8:38. P.M.

Time to go!

8:41 P.M.
Out of breath. Note to self: Sex robots are faster than they look. Hey, an office! I love musicians’ offices. All those gold and platinum plaques hanging up to commemorate success…wait a second, these are all depositions!

8:42 P.M.
Funny, I didn’t realize Weezy’s ex-wife tried to sue Kellz for “Thoiya Thoing.”

8:57 P.M.
Enough legalese. What’s in this closet?

8:59
Jesus, it smells like a dwarf shit himself in here. Time to hit the pool for some fresh air.

8:58 P.M.

Niiiice.

9:02 P.M.
Catch sight of journalists just as they’re being shown out the door. Bodyguards eye me suspiciously, as I’m the only one not wearing a XXXL “I Got Splashed By Greatness” promotional t-shirt, but I do my best to look tear-stained and traumatized like everyone else and they let me out. Freedom!

*Yes, this is a parody. Your lawyers are tired, Kellz, give ’em a rest!

An Exclusive Excerpt From Jay-Z’s Book “Decoded”

prubin — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 20:22:23 +0000

People love to talk about lyrics: punchlines, puns, double meanings, you name it. And no one is as fond of his own cleverness as one Shawn Carter. To that end, Jiggaman has reportedly inked a deal to write a book called Decoded, wherein he delves into his own inexhaustible arsenal of wit and wordplay to explain what he meant by many of his favorite lines. “I’m gonna pick the select ones,” he told a radio DJ, “all the double entendres and things that people may have missed or may have gotten and want confirmation on it.” Forgive us if we were a little skeptical at first, but it just didn’t sound like anything we’d want to shell out $24.95 for ($9.95 for the Kindle edition—holla at us, Jeff Bezos!).

But as with so many times before, it turned out that we were wrong. We got a look at a preview of Decoded, and the shit is absolute fire! If you thought you knew what was going through Jay’s mind when he penned his joints (without the pen), you had no idea. Even his not-so-incredible tracks are testament to his penchant for cryptic allusion and restless philosophical examination. Don’t believe us? Peep the excerpt below* to see the thought process behind his 2003 hit “Change Clothes.” And you thought it was just about girls and brand names…

“Change Clothes” featuring Pharrell, (2003)

Uh, uh, uh, yeah, uh, your boy is back

Jay Says:[I wrote that line right after I became a board-certified chiropractor--big up yourself, Palmer College of Chiropractic, Davenport Campus!]

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

(Sexy sexy) I know y’all miss the bounce

Jay Says: [I had just gotten Memph Bleek a pogo stick for Christmas, but lil' homie wouldn't stop jumping around the studio when i was in the booth. Instead of grounding him, though, I threw him in the verse.]

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
Yeah ma, your dude is back, Maybach coupe is back

Jay Says: [Funny story: what I actually said was "May McCoo is back"--you know, because I've always been a huge Marilyn McCoo fan. But people got it twisted, and then I had to buy a fucking $400,000 car because of it.]

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Tell the whole world the truth is back
You ain’t got to argue about who could rap

Jay Says: [As that standard was firmly established in my 1997 treatise "Morphology and Microphones: High-Speed Articulation of Labial Plosives and the Art of Hip-Hop," which I presented at the International Symposium on Linguistic Diversity and Language Theories in Colorado]

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Cause the proof is back just go through my rap
New York New York yeah where my troopers at
Where my hustlers where my boosters at

Jay Says: [Most people think I'm talking about shoplifting here, but it's actually a plea for booster shots for measles, mumps and rubella. My mom was convinced that childhood vaccination would lead to autism, so as a result I'm extremely susceptible to many diseases found in developing countries--which makes touring a bitch.]

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

I don’t care what you do for stacks
I know the world glued you back to the wall
You gotta brawl? do that
I been through that

Jay Says: [Pro wrestling aficionados may remember my short-lived WWF stint as Suplex Shawn!]

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
…been shot at, shoot back
Gotta keep it peace like a Buddhist

Jay Says: [And as we all know, the Buddha said "He who experiences the unity of life sees his own Self in all beings, and all beings in his own Self, and looks on everything with an impartial eye." Chuuuuch!]

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

I ain’t a New Jack, nobody gon’ Wesley Snipe me

Jay Says: [I, uh, don't pay taxes. Sorry, Barack.]

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

It’s less than likely, move back
Let I breathe Jedi knight

Jay Says: [This is actually about Jed I. Knight, my accountant at the time. He was concerned about my rising energy costs, so I switched to natural gas in the winter and solar-powered air-conditioning in the summer. Ask me how you too can slash bills by up to 35%!]

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

The more space I get the better I write

Jay Says: [This is actually true--a lower concentration of particulates in the atmosphere allows my pen's ink to achieve optimal flow while maintaining the viscosity necessary to slay you wack ni**as. There's an offshoot of Pascal's Principle of Fluid Dynamics that pertains here, but as you well know I explore that in full on the remix version of the song.]

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
(Change clothes and go)
You know I stay, fresh to death I brought you from the projects
And I’m a take you to the top of the globe

Jay Says: [Before I met B, my favorite second-date activity was actually a sled-dog expedition to the North Pole. That's the REAL Byrd gang, you dig?]

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

(Exchange numbers and go)
Uh huh yeah, uh
(Now girl I promise you, no substitute)

Jay Says: [My contract rider explicitly forbids Splenda, Equal, non-dairy creamer and TCBY. I keeps it real!]

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

It’s just me
And I’m gon’ tell you again let’s get ghost in the phantom
You could bring your friend we could make this a tandem

Jay Says: [Contrary to popular opinion, this line wasn't about a menage. Been there, done that. I was speaking on tandem bicycles. Them shits is crazy! This one never caught on though, kinda like calling shoes Scooby-Doos, but hey, I tried. Wheel talk.]

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

You could come by yourself and you could stand him
Best believe I sweat out weaves, give afropuffs like R.A.G.E.

Jay Says: [I'm also servin' ’em like two scoops of chocolate, but that line was already taken. Plus, y'know, ayo!]

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Haryouken If you could move it
Back it on up like a U-Haul truck
Then run and tell them ducks you heard Hovi knew shit

Jay Says: [I loved Catcher In The Rye in high school—I always related to young Holden Caulfield, especially his curiosity about where the ducks in Central Park go during the winter. I still don't know, but The Black Album was such a big 4th quarter release, I felt like people should tell the ducks about it before they skated off for the season. I move birds like an Oriole fitted, son.]

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

He and the boy Pha-real make beautiful music
He is to the east coast what Snoop is to the west coast, what ’Face is to Houston
Young Hov in the house it’s so necessary
No bra with the blouse it’s so necessary

Jay Says: [Fun fact about me: I love saggy pancake titties. Me and Ty Ty call those girls Mrs. Butterworths.]

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

No panties and jeans that’s so necessary
Now why you fronting on me is that necessary
Do I to you look like a lame

Jay Says:[This was really just me showing off on some emcee shit. Some rappers have spit lyrics in Spanish, or even French, but they really can't see me with the Yoda structure. Dagobah, I see you!]

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Who don’t understand a broad with a mean shoe game
Who’s up on Dot Dot Dot and Vera Wang

Jay Says: [I wasn't talking about anyone in particular here, it was a genuinely question. Who the fuck knows about Dot Dot Dot and Vera Wang? You're a grown ass woman—worry about some real shit, not shoe brands. If you want a brand to think about, I'll give you A. Wang. Holla!]

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
Young Hov in the house it’s so necessary
No bra with that blouse it’s so necessary

Jay Says: [Mrs. Butterworth let's go!]

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

No panties and jeans that’s so necessary
Why you fronting on me?
Let’s go to my hotel cause this don’t go well
With those S Dots, gotta stay fresh ma

Jay Says: [I guess now's a decent time to admit that S Dots suck. Seriously, they don't go with anything.]

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Ma, I don’t shop what the rest buy
Oh no ma please respect my
Jiggy, this is probably Purple Label
Or that BBC shit

Jay Says: [I just adore UK television, don't you? I find Upstairs, Downstairs to be a complete gas!]

* Yes, this is a parody. You some type of lawyer or somethin’, somebody important or somethin’?

R.I.P. George Carlin

bfred — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 17:23:03 +0000

Yesterday, we lost one of the true O.G. characters of our culture when George Carlin passed away from heart failure at the age of 71. In the world of stand-up comedians, this New York City native is one of the profession’s true icons, rivaled only by legends like Richard Pryor.

Known for pushing taboo subjects and challenging societal norms, he is the reason why the FCC has so much power over the content that we hear on the airwaves today. Back in 1973, an angry father complained about Carlin’s “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television” routine being broadcast on the radio, which led directly to a landmark Supreme Court decision that gave the FCC the power to determine what is and what is not “indecent.” Learn more about this comedy God by watching some classic clips below.

1973 Stand-up Routine From His Operation:Foole Album:

An Early Appearance on The Tonight Show in 1966:

Carlin On Religion and the “Invisible Man” in 2001:

Unveiling “Buddy Christ” in 1999’s Dogma:

Carlin On The “7 Words” in 1978:

CNN Report Explaining The “7 Words” Controversey:

Furry Kama Sutra Brings Out Our Animal Instinct

bfred — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 21:17:37 +0000

After Entourage’s Turtle and Johnny Drama had a run in with a pink bunny suit last summer, it seems like furry sex is all the rage. You know, sometimes you’ve gotta throw the 'ol chicken suit on your girl and give her a good pluckin’. Perfectly natural.

Well now, New York-based photographer Michael Cogliantry is showing off his Furry Kama Sutra photos with a new exhibit. For the series, he shot his costumed subjects in some of Las Vegas’ most colorful “by the hour” rooms in a tribute to the classic Indian sex guide. Unfortunately, the limited edition photo book with white furry cover is sold out, but you can catch his work this Friday at the Nemo Gallery in Portland, Oregon. Check out Cogliantry’s website for background, or check out more hot furry action after the jump.

[Click on an image to view full size]

[Swiss Miss]

Kristen Bell Supports The McLovin’ Fund

bfred — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 16:45:32 +0000

On Sunday night, Comedy Central broadcast The Night of Too Many Stars, a benefit for autism education. As part of the festivities, Judd Apatow directed a series of mock PSAs based on NBC’s classic “The More You Know” spots (renamed here as “Know More Things”). The Hayden Panettiere Sexual Harassment message leaked out last week on FunnyOrDie, and now a new one starring Forgetting Sarah Marshall’s Kristen Bell and Superbad’s Christopher Mintz-Plasse has popped up. This time, KB is begging viewers to donate to the McLovin’ Fund, because Mintz-Plasse will never work again and is destined for a life of poverty and substance abuse. Comedy! Check it out after the jump.

Hayden Panettiere’s Sexual Harassment PSA

bfred — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 17:01:50 +0000

Cheerleaders are not funny. Neither are teen actresses. But in a new video from Will Farrell’s site Funny Or Die, Heroes‘ P.Y.T. Hayden Panettiere gives the whole humor thing a go. “Sexual harassment is wrong, even if it makes you feel good,” she says with a straight face. Watch the video after the jump.

[Hollywood Tuna]

Watch Scenes From Harold & Kumar 2

bfred — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 22:45:30 +0000

In case you haven’t noticed our new cover, we’re very excited about the upcoming release of Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay. We’ve already talked to Kal Penn and John Cho, and even interviewed the directors, but damn, we just wanna see the movie already. Luckily, 5 scenes from the movie have leaked, and they’re as hilarious as we had hoped. Watch 'em after the jump.

“Airport Security”:

“Klan Meeting”:

“Redneck Dinner”:

“Cyclops”:

“Driving”:

[JoBlo]

Golf Gets People Pumped, Awkwardly

sethk — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 21:18:18 +0000

The first round of the Masters kicked off today at Augusta National, the temple of golf and discrimination against women. Flip on the tube for your fair share of sun dappled fairways, legions of white people, and, of course, plenty of golf face. The above shot of Tiger Woods, taken after he won the Arnold Palmer Invitational, is just a taste of the kind of orgasmic joysplosion that putting a small white ball into a cup can bring. Since the Masters has rolled around we’ve put together a gallery of A-list awkward victory moments. We’re not saying these dudes shouldn’t get stoked about pocketing major cash. But at the end of the day, this ain’t the major leagues, or hockey, or even lawn darts. It’s just…golf.

Phil Mickelson, Masters, 2004
Win the Masters, mime taking a dump, then get helped into green blazer by another golfer and then head up to Butler Cabin to chill with Jim Nantz. Is that really considered a victory?

Chris DiMarco, Presidents Cup, 2005
To put this into perspective the Presidents Cup is a little bit less glamorous than the Ryder Cup. So it all makes sense now, right?

Tim Herron, The Colonial, 2006
Reason to be thankful that the rules of golf don’t allow players to skin it.

John Daly, British Open, 1995
There’s not so much “golf face” going on, but the mullet is fucking resplendent.

Texas A&M Women’s Golf Team, Big 12 Championship, 2007
Just so you know, women get golf face, too.