Everyone’s been praising Bush for his humane handling of the power transition, and I gotta give it to him. There’s so many things he could be pulling right now, but he’s suspiciously cooperative. I mean, he could have at least raised the terror alert to red. Started a new oil war? Outed a CIA agent who voted for Obama? Maybe it’s a testament to a “functioning” democracy but I think it has more to do with Dubya’s desire to get his post-Presidential life cracking and let the Barackracy begin. And to make sure he doesn’t pull any funny-style fourth quarter surprises, I’ve made a list of some career options once the Obamas evict his ass like a squatter in a foreclosed home…

SCREENPLAY WRITER

Bush is naturally gifted at creating phrases that sound great and often lead to action and violence. He’s expressed regret for some of his most famous lines, but that was only after his wife reminded him one day that he was actually President of the United States. In Hollywood, the sky is the limit for bullshit artists and he’ll fit right in with the coke-heads.

SOLIDER

If there’s a demand for something in the Bush economy, it’s soldiers! One thing you can’t deny is that Dubya created a shitload of job opportunities in the military industry. He missed the opportunity in Vietnam to spread freedom, so now’s his chance before it’s too late!

TELEVANGELIST

He’s got the face recognition, the messianic swag and an All-American affection for the lord. His sermons could be slight variations of his press conferences'addressing evil-doers, sharing anecdotes and begging for faith in leadership. To build demand for his memoir, he should consider co-writing a motivational coffee-table book with Joel Osteen. They could call it “Compassionate Conmen”.

IRAQI PRESIDENT

Look, he put his whole reputation on the line for Operation Iraqi Freedom, the least they could do is make him their George Washington for a couple months. He fits the criteria for many Middle Eastern politicians: Wealthy family upbringing, ultra-religious, corrupt and has peculiar desires to outshine a father figure. His campaign slogan would read something like “I Gave You Freedom, You Ungrateful Little Bastards!”.

PRISONER

His experience with illegal activities'torture, wiretapping, war, detainment, and so on'makes him a leading candidate for the slammer. Now, I honestly don’t wish incarceration on my worst enemies, but Bush actually graduated from worst enemy to war criminal. If Michael Vick’s locked up for dog fighting, then what’s the consequence for human-fighting? Apparently the Medal of Honor and a severance package.