Complex Blog » Dick Cheney

Caught on Tape! A History of Political First Pitches

jerwin — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 21:54:25 +0000

There are plenty of ways for politicians to embarrass themselves (getting busted for foot-tapping comes to mind), but few are as public as bouncing the ceremonial first pitch at baseball games. Yesterday President Obama announced that he would be making his first first pitch as Commander-in-Chief in two weeks when he’ll take the mound before the MLB All-Star Game in St. Louis (in 2005 he threw out the opening ball as a U.S. Senator (above) at a playoff game for his beloved Chicago White Sox).

The Prez has a lot to live up to with his toss: one of the ~~few~~ only things his predecessor did really well was throw first pitch strikes, and in the immortal words of baseball fan Phife Dawg (whose favorite jam back in the day was “Eric B. is President”): “You don’t want to make a pitch that’s wild.” To get a sense of how other politicians have fared on the mound, we take a look back at the History of Political First Pitches…

POLITICIAN: Mark Mallory, Mayor of Cincinnati, Ohio
DATE: April 2, 2007
GAME: Cincinnati Reds Opening Day
• If Obama fudges the first pitch this badly, he’ll have to answer to the Special Olympics again.

POLITICIAN: Dick Cheney, Former Vice President
DATE: April 1, 2006
GAME: Washington Nationals Opening Day
• To be fair, the veep had them ban beer sales during this game so the ovation has nothing to do with his politics. Nothing.

POLITICIAN: Jim and Joe Bernard, Mayor and Former Mayor of Milwaukie, Oregon
DATE: April 1, 2007
GAME: North Clackamas local league
• We’re not sure which one in this father/son duo actually tossed the first pitch, but we know that mess was weak. Underhanded? Really?

POLITICIAN: George W. Bush, Former President
DATE: April 6, 2009
GAME: Texas Rangers Opening Day
• Best. Throwing. President. Ever. Yee-haw!

POLITICIAN: Blaine Luetkemeyer, Missouri Congressman
DATE: June 2009
GAME: Hannibal Caveman Game (huh?)
• Wow. Obama is so much cooler than this guy.

POLITICIAN: Joe Biden, Vice President
DATE: April 6, 2009
GAME: Baltimore Orioles Opening Day
• Biden’s got a history of shooting himself in the foot, so we’re a little surprised he actually got off a decent pitch here.

Politickin’ With John Brown: 2008’s Most Corrupt Politicians

Joe — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 17:54:26 +0000

In his weekly column, rapper John Brown'the self-proclaimed “King Of Da Burbz”'will be offering his insight into politics and current events to the Complex readers. Check out “Politickin With John Brown” every Thursday.

Look, it’s only corruption if you get caught. If we threw every politician in the bing for pay-for-play tactics, we’d have no government! How is a Joe the Plumber supposed to financially compete with a Mike Bloomberg if there’s no money-for-favors options?! Sheesh. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. With that said, there’s clearly an art to avoiding the wrath of prosecution and I gotta give it up to the slime balls that stay low-pro. So lets reflect on some of the most high-profile corruption suspects of ‘08 that couldn’t stay off the paydar….

5. SENATOR NORM COLEMAN (R-MN.)

You seen homie’s dentures? You know them bitches cost more than a flight to Minneapolis. Plus he’s in a dead-heat recount with the Saturday Night Live guy. He called up some of his CEO riders and they hit him with a loan. Scared money don’t make money!

4. REPRESENTATIVE JESSE JACKSON JR. (D-ILL.)

I don’t know, I smell a setup with this one. They say he offered the Governor of Illie a-millie for the senate seat, but c’mon, you know Obama’s been gunning for the Jackson clan ever since Senior made that homo-erotic statement on FOX. They knew lil’ Jessie would fall for the bait to redeem his family name. But he’ll need one helluva Rainbow Coalition to paint this scenario in favorable light.

3. SENATOR TED STEVENS (R-AK.)

I feel like once you hit 80 you’re not entirely responsible for decision-making. Even so, I think Stevens saw how our elders have been abandoned with all the evaporating 401K saving plans. Being the shrewd capitalist that he is, Grandpa Ted took a couple donations to put money away for his grandkids so they can run for office in 20 years. Duh.

2. GOVERNOR ROD BLAGOJEVICH (D-ILL.)

This guy. Even for a jaded cynical asshole like myself, I was somewhat surprised by his sinister hustle. Pronounced Blog-oya-vich, this fund raising titan desperately wanted to be Al Capone. He tried to pull back funding for a Children’s Hospital because the CEO wouldn’t hit him with 50 stacks?! Damn, that’s gangsta!

1. VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY (R-WY.)

So let me get this right. After eight years of indiscriminate war-profiteering, the only thing that Dick gets charged with is some indirect association to an abusive private prison? He shook that indictment off like “bitch please” and went back to his kill-for-cash program. Who said crime doesn’t pay?

Politicans’ Daughters Gone Wild!

donniek — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 21:33:37 +0000

“I hear Bristol’s got a baby, but Bristol’s barely got a brain…”

Should we be shocked that young Bristol Palin, daughter of Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin, is preggers at 17? History has shown that powerful people'whether they be performers, preachers, or, in this case, politicians'end up with daughters who become either total prudes or total party animals.

All those hours of hard work leaves little time for proper parenting, which is why Bristol isn’t the first high-profile politician’s daughter to engage in scandalous behavior. With our exclusive Joe Francis meter, we decided to rate the misdeeds of political daughters, past and present.

Click here to see the dirty daughters…