True story: In 1994, I had dinner with Bill O’Reilly and his sleazy Inside Edition staff at a camp resort in Oregon. My father had won a bank-sponsored contest, resulting in a free white-water-rafting trip on Oregon’s Deschutes River. Guests at the lodge ate dinner together at a long wooden table, with O’Reilly inexplicably sitting at the head. Although he was one of the few members of his staff not in a drunken stupor, O’Reilly compensated by obnoxiously ranting about various current events while I tried to pretend like I hadn’t just smoked a spliff to the dome outside.

Little did I know that this brash douche bag would emerge as one of the most animated and infamous reactionary voices of our times. Recently, he’s been making the talk show rounds in defense of the GOP and adding to his extensive archive of twisted highlight reels. His Bobby Knight aggression tends to rattle adversaries, but he’s also taken some serious Ls. Let’s revisit some of his biggest fails…

5. O’REILLY vs. OBAMA’S SECURITY

• Is O’Reilly really an Obama Stan? All signs point to “yes”. Not only is he planning to write a (fair & balanced) book about Mr. 44, but in this clip, O’Reilly nearly starts a brawl while trying to get Obama’s attention. Truly a sad moment for any grown man. O’Reilly’s tantrum is opiated once Barack acknowledges his existence, shakes his hand, and keeps it moving.

4. O’REILLY vs. PAUL KRUGMAN

• Bill loves to insinuate violence when he starts losing an intellectual spar. Here he offers a veiled threat to Nobel Prize Winning Economist, Paul Krugman, on the late Tim Russert’s show, Meet The Press. Krugman did look kinda shook though.

3. O’REILLY vs. 9/11 VICTIM, JEREMY GLICK

• In this exchange, which was popularized by the documentary Outfoxed, Bill callously attacks the son of a 9/11 victim who is critical of the U.S. wars that ensued. When O’Reilly fails to crush his subject, he simply tells producers “cut his mic.” SMH

2. O’REILLY vs. PHIL DONAHUE

• One of the O.G. talk show hosts brings it to O’Reilly for trying to demonize Cindy Sheehan, the anti-war activist who lost her son in Iraq. When Bill attempts to ramp up the hostility, Donahue retorts “I’m not Jeremy Glick, Billy. You can’t intimidate me.” You can’t say O’Reilly didn’t try.

1. O’REILLY vs. STEPHEN COLBERT

• Here O’Reilly faces off with his satirical counterpart, Stephen Colbert. While attempting to break Colbert’s character and ridicule his “French-sounding” name, O’Reilly is eventually stumped as Colbert’s comedic genius prevails, making a hilarious mockery of O’Reilly’s whole persona.

***BONUS: O’REILLY vs. INSIDE EDITION INTERN

• By now, most people have seen this footage of O’Reilly going ape-shit over a teleprompter typo. It never gets old.

So the controversy surrounding Obama’s Senate seat replacement has finally cooled off and, frankly, Blagojevich made a shrewd decision in picking Burris. The so-called “Blag-gate” fiasco was merely a reverse-psychology strategy to weed out overly ambitious corrupt candidates. Genius! Now we move on to Hillary’s seat. We all know she put it down for women in the primaries, so it’s only fair to replace her with another qualified woman. But all this buzz for Caroline Kennedy makes me wonder if there’s other equally famous daughters that could run New York. Let’s take a look at some of our options…

#5) CHELSEA CLINTON

• This seems like a no-brainer. She’s young, has a familiar name and shares her mother’s experience as a woman publicly humiliated by a man in her life. Why tip-toe around all the hereditary monarchy in America? Why JFK’s daughter? Just keep it in the family!

#4) LIV TYLER

• Not only would she be automatic eye-candy to the huddled masses, but she’s an exceptional actress in horror movies, which is essentially what we’re facing. She could also probably hook up an ‘09 version of “Walk This Way” for the inauguration.

#3) VICTORIA GOTTI

• She’s a staple of New York’s cultural history and has well-documented organizational skills. There’s also no question her family would help with fund raising and protection for the party.

#2) MARY CHENEY

• All political affiliations aside, selecting Lil’ Cheney would be a tremendous superficial gesture to the gay community. It would also give credence to Obama’s promises of “bi-partisanship” bullshit uniting.

#1) LIL KIM

• Big Poppa would be proud.

*BONUS: Check out John Brown’s latest Vlogs that include Joe Budden, Busta Rhymes, and CNN