LeBron James should soak his sore loser in an hot epsom salt bath.
According to LeBron James, you can’t be a sore loser as long as you’re really, really competitive (or if, by nature, you’re a winner—who just happened to lose). Got that, kids? Despite what may have looked like poor sportsmanship, His Highness “King James” was just being really competitive when he walked off the court Saturday night without shaking hands after the Orlando Magic beat his Cleveland Cavaliers in the Eastern Conference Finals. He was merely competing with Magic star center Dwight Howard, a buddy with whom he won an Olympic gold medal in Beijing last summer, by not offering him so much as an awkward ass slap in passing. That was just his will to compete showing when he slipped out of Orlando’s Amway Arena without giving reporters a post-game interview. And if you buy that, we’ve got a Kobe vs. LeBron ad campaign to sell you too.
James is one of the NBA’s biggest stars, so his juvenility stands out, but he’s far from the only grown man in the league to act like a snot-nosed eight-year-old with doo-doo stains on his shorts when things don’t go his way. Not that we blame dudes. All that youth league shit about being a good sport is just to keep the child-on-child homicide rates down. And besides, when you’ve got millions, you can afford to act like you weren’t raised right. In honor of King James’s snub of the Magic, Complex remembers a few of the NBA’s sorest losers over the years…
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David Stern to Kobe and LeBron: Please don’t turn your backs on me!
Like Shaq shooting free throws, NBA Commissioner David Stern is shitting a brick. All season long, it’s seemed a foregone conclusion that the renewal of the Boston Celtics-Los Angeles Lakers rivalry last year would be followed by a marquee match-up of the league’s two biggest stars, Kobe Bryant and LeBron James, in the 2009 NBA Finals. The Commish was no doubt creaming in his suit pants just thinking about it. The same goes for the folks at Nike and Vitamin Water, who’ve been churning out ads playing up the superstar showdown. That’s a lot of cream, and now somebody’s going to need to mop it all up, because Carmelo Anthony’s Denver Nuggets are knocking Kobe around in the Western Conference Finals like they want to pay him back for that Colorado rape trial and Dwight Howard’s Orlando Magic have pushed the Cavs to the brink of elimination in the East and made it look like King James got his crown from Burger King.
With a Cavaliers-Lakers Finals in doubt, the NBA suddenly has to scramble to sell alternative match-ups that are about as sexy as Chyna with a raging case of (manly) female gonorrhea. Though we enjoy seeing Puppetmaster Stern squirm when the magnets in the balls and his team of crooked refs fail to determine the outcomes of series, Complex wants other sports fans to know that all is not lost! Check out 5 awesome story lines that a commercial announcer could play up in an overly dramatic voice should LeBron or Kobe or both fail to make it to the trophy round. Keep the cream alive!
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‘Bow knows this, and ‘bow knows that. Ray Allen introduces his elbow to Anderson Varejao’s balls.
It takes balls to play in the NBA. Literally. (We hear women have their own league called the WNBA in which they play something approximating basketball, only it’s less exciting.) One of the greatest dangers that exists when you assemble ten behemoths brimming with testosterone to compete on the hardwood is that it will lead to testicle-traumatizing cheap shots. Boston Celtics guard Ray Allen was just suspended one game for a low ‘bow he threw at Cleveland Cavaliers forward Anderson Varejao last Sunday.
The extremely fortunate Varejao appears to have saved the lives of his unborn children by catching the elbow with his thighs—either that or his junk is made of leather and steel. Not everyone has been so fortunate. Check out Complex’s assemblage of the NBA’s most awesome, cringe-inducing low blows, and see if you can prevent your balls from retreating into your stomach…
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