Politics & Crime 5 New Career Choices for Sarah Palin

Wow, it actually happened. After nearly an entire year of us wishing Sarah Palin would go away, she finally—and abruptly—resigned. In a classic political spin-control move, the Alaska governor tried to head off the inevitable deluge of coverage by holding a brief (but rambling) press conference on THE FRIDAY AFTERNOON BEFORE JULY 4TH WEEKEND. And at no point among the weird basketball analogies did she ever exactly say why she was leaving or what she’d be doing.

Which is where we come in. Sarah, we love you. We rooted for you in your classic rap battle against Joe Biden, we defended your honor in our Wifey-Trifey showdown—and now, we’re ready to be your career counselor. The world is your oyster, baby, now go out there and find the pearl…