It’s been a long off-season for the New York Knicks and their number one supporter, Captain Knick (they get considerably longer when you’re eliminated from playoff contention a month into the season). After hiring new General Manager Donnie Walsh and replacing disgraced Coach and Chief Executive Officer of Sexual Harassment and Xenophobia Isiah Thomas with former Phoenix Suns coach Mike D’Antoni, there’s reason to believe something better is in store for the Big Apple.

Look, the preseason hasn’t even begun and already the Knicks are tied for first place! Before they lose a game and the shine wears off, check out five reasons Cappy is amped for the ‘08-’09 season…


INTERNATIONAL INCIDENTS!
They call Gallinari “The Rooster,” but he’s no cockboy.
In his first draft as Knicks GM, Walsh ended Thomas’s policy of never drafting foreigners by selecting 20-year-old Italian small forward Danilo Gallinari. The main question surrounding him is not how quickly he will develop against bigger, stronger opponents but how much MSG will play up his ethnic white-dentity for fans passionate about all things pale. Like the Mets, who play Dropkick Murphy’s “Shipping up to Boston” as walk-up music for Floridian “McOutfielder” Daniel “Danny Boy” Murphy, the Knicks are not above playing JumboTron clips of Rocky, selling cannolis at concession stands, and having the Knick City Strippers Dancers break out the Tarantella! Viva Italia!

HEART-POUNDING ACTION!
Eddy Curry heart conditions NY.
An out of shape starting center with heart problems whose specialty is planting his plentiful cellulite in the post gets a new coach who employs a fast-paced, seven-seconds-or-less offense! Sounds like sitcom gold, but it’s reality TV for the Knicks! Tune in to see how high Coach D’Antoni can push Eddy “I sweat Twinkie filling” Curry’s heart rate before his heart explodes! Then what will all those hateful bastards who said he had no heart say?

EXPIRING CONTRACTS!
You’re offering a paper bag for Marbury…? Deal!
Normally, when saddled with underperforming players’ big contracts, you’d try to trade them away for a mayonnaise sandwich. Seeing as no team wants to disrespect a mayo sammie by taking NY’s trash, the Knicks are stuck waiting for shitty contracts to expire. Stephon Marbury (owed $21,937,500 this season) and Malik Rose ($7,647,500) come off the books at the end of the year, which means that with every game the Knicks are a $360,792.68 hemorrhage closer to financial flexibility. For anyone scoring, that’s 29,585,000 L’s and one huge win!

SPAR-BURY!
Two men enter, one man leaves. It’s a Marbury-D’Antoni cage match, bitches!
Wild card Stephon Marbury has publicly feuded with his last two coaches and officially challenged Ron Artest for the title of NBA’s craziest player, but he’s apparently in the best shape of his career (he’s even got an upcoming fitness video'available for the holidays!'to prove it). After initially declaring himself the team’s starting point guard, he said he’d accept any role when word leaked that Coach D’Antoni prefers him as a shooting guard off the bench. Starbury’s deference should last about a New York minute'coincidentally as long as it takes him to ask an intern if she wants to fuck in his truck.

LOW EXPECTATIONS!
If you set the bar low enough, the Knicks will still trip over it.
After tying the club’s worst record (23-59) twice in three years, even the most optimistic fans aren’t planning their year around a trip to the post-season. A new coach and GM is great, but the team is still stuck waddling around with the skid marks of the Isiah Thomas era on its compression shorts. And when you’re playing to lose just a little less, you’ve already won.

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In March 2007, the head of Cablevision, James Dolan, gave Thomas a midseason multiyear contract extension because he'd already won a whopping six more games than Larry Brown, whose Knicks team had matched the franchise's shittiest record ever one year prior. Regardless of the fact that he's since failed to make the playoffs twice, matched that same shitty 23-59 record, splintered the team he'd assembled, and embarrassed MSG with a sexual harassment lawsuit, the money is all Zeke's. But rather than simply pay him his money to leave, new Knicks President Donnie Walsh has given Thomas a rather unfortunate post.

Out of concern that he might further taint the franchise he guided to a 56-108 overall record (or literally try to get female employees to touch his taint), Walsh made Thomas a title-less scout/advisor. He reportedly has no office and is not allowed to speak to players. He reports to Walsh but absolutely nobody reports to him'especially nobody with a vagina, or even guys who have man-tits. It's all pretty embarrassing for a onetime NBA superstar. After the break, Complex revisits a shameful moment in Zeke's life that, relatively speaking, he should be proud of.

It seems like it was just last year that three of the NBA's marquee franchises were stinking up the joint while planning big off-season fishing trips. Oh wait, it was just last year. Since then, the Boston Celtics, Los Angeles Lakers, and New York Knicks each pulled off big trades that were supposed to turn them around (Boston acquired KG and Ray Allen; L.A. stole Pau Gasol; New York admitted head case Zach Randolph to the asylum). Now the Celtics (65-16) and Lakers (56-25) are the cream of their respective conferences and favored to win the title, possibly in an epic clash between the two. The Knicks (23-58) are fiddling with their poles and feeling fishy.

Last night, the Celtics reserve players gave Ew York a Boston creampie, sweeping their season series with a 99-93 defeat while the stars rested for the playoffs. With a season-ending loss tomorrow night to the Indiana Pacers, the Knicks would tie the franchise's record for L's caught for the second time in three seasons. As a Knick fan, I'm Celtic green with envy. And vomit. After the jump, see highlights from the 45-point November blowout that signaled just how different the Knicks and Celtics seasons would be.

Related:
-Captain Knick: Pucking You Tonight
-Captain Knick: Presidential Sweet
-Captain Knick: Worst Is First
-Captain Knick: Catching a New York Brick

[ESPN]

Former Indiana Pacers exec and New York native Donnie Walsh is replacing Isiah Thomas as Knicks team president. It's got to be a wee bit prickly for Zeke to be replaced by the man who gave him his first coaching job. Walsh hasn't yet stated whether he's going to fire Zeke from his posts as the club's coach, GM, and chief operator of sexual harassment, saying that he wants to first sit down with him and have a “meaningful basketball discussion.” Here's to hoping the discussion centers around how hard the doorknob should hit him on his way out. As far as Walsh goes, he gets the benefit of the doubt, for now (I mean, the Pacers he just left have a wildly successful 31-43 record). Speaking of ineffectual employees, it's time for one final 2007-2008 reading of the Eddy Curry Vagin-O-Meter, after the jump.

Eddy Curry is torn.

Out for the season with a tear in his vagina, the “All-star” center ranks an 11 out of 10, or in visual terms, he's a slack yawning chasm (shout out to my Complex homie Peter Rubin for the mental image). Since he's done loafing around on the court and helping the Knicks lose, all we can really do is wish Eddy and his vagina a speedy recovery.

Right now, E.C. is at a 6 out of a pussible, er, possible 10. To his credit, Curry finally snapped on Coach Zeke (albeit passive aggressively and through the media) for benching him and saying that the NBA is now a “small man’s game” (tiny pause). But Captain Knick thinks there’s only one thing he can do to truly shed the soft label'choke Isaiah the fuck out. Hell, Zeke would respect the move even as Curry’s sausage links were squeezing the “No comments” out of his windpipe. It also goes without saying that this manner of on-court choking would make Heart Condition an instant fan favorite. I hear veteran coach choker and former Knick Latrell Sprewell is broke, so maybe he’d take a paycheck to demonstrate how it’s done.

*MSG keeps inviting NFL champion New York Giants players to games, tricking fans into clapping for something. Fans are learning that it takes conditioning to jeer for 41 home games annually. There haven’t been respectable boos or “Sodomize Dolan!” chants in weeks.

*Stephon “Not an All-Starbury” Marbury should finally be winning his title: “Craziest Player of the Year.” His Unabomber-like retreat from society means it’ll probably go to Gilbert “Agent Zero” Arenas. How crazy can you be if you write a coherent blog? Steph is snake shit crazy. You ever even seen snake shit? Didn’t think so.

*Guinness recently named “franchise” center Eddy Curry–all 6-foot 11-inches, 285 lbs. of him–the world’s biggest pussy. Not even whale poon came close. Be sure to look for my “Eddy Curry Vagin-o-meter,” measuring his contractions, coming soon.