One way or another, the Knicks will blow up this year!
It’s been a long off-season for the New York Knicks and their number one supporter, Captain Knick (they get considerably longer when you’re eliminated from playoff contention a month into the season). After hiring new General Manager Donnie Walsh and replacing disgraced Coach and Chief Executive Officer of Sexual Harassment and Xenophobia Isiah Thomas with former Phoenix Suns coach Mike D’Antoni, there’s reason to believe something better is in store for the Big Apple.
Look, the preseason hasn’t even begun and already the Knicks are tied for first place! Before they lose a game and the shine wears off, check out five reasons Cappy is amped for the ‘08-’09 season…
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If recently fired ex-President of Basketball Operations Isiah Thomas's new position with the Knicks actually had a title, his business card might read “Assistant to the Assistant to the Deputy Knicks Janitorial Assistant, Siberia Division.”
In March 2007, the head of Cablevision, James Dolan, gave Thomas a midseason multiyear contract extension because he'd already won a whopping six more games than Larry Brown, whose Knicks team had matched the franchise's shittiest record ever one year prior. Regardless of the fact that he's since failed to make the playoffs twice, matched that same shitty 23-59 record, splintered the team he'd assembled, and embarrassed MSG with a sexual harassment lawsuit, the money is all Zeke's. But rather than simply pay him his money to leave, new Knicks President Donnie Walsh has given Thomas a rather unfortunate post.
Out of concern that he might further taint the franchise he guided to a 56-108 overall record (or literally try to get female employees to touch his taint), Walsh made Thomas a title-less scout/advisor. He reportedly has no office and is not allowed to speak to players. He reports to Walsh but absolutely nobody reports to him'especially nobody with a vagina, or even guys who have man-tits. It's all pretty embarrassing for a onetime NBA superstar. After the break, Complex revisits a shameful moment in Zeke's life that, relatively speaking, he should be proud of.
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The Knicks feel dirty while getting swept by the Celtics.
It seems like it was just last year that three of the NBA's marquee franchises were stinking up the joint while planning big off-season fishing trips. Oh wait, it was just last year. Since then, the Boston Celtics, Los Angeles Lakers, and New York Knicks each pulled off big trades that were supposed to turn them around (Boston acquired KG and Ray Allen; L.A. stole Pau Gasol; New York admitted head case Zach Randolph to the asylum). Now the Celtics (65-16) and Lakers (56-25) are the cream of their respective conferences and favored to win the title, possibly in an epic clash between the two. The Knicks (23-58) are fiddling with their poles and feeling fishy.
Last night, the Celtics reserve players gave Ew York a Boston creampie, sweeping their season series with a 99-93 defeat while the stars rested for the playoffs. With a season-ending loss tomorrow night to the Indiana Pacers, the Knicks would tie the franchise's record for L's caught for the second time in three seasons. As a Knick fan, I'm Celtic green with envy. And vomit. After the jump, see highlights from the 45-point November blowout that signaled just how different the Knicks and Celtics seasons would be.
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How can you not feel confident about Donnie Walsh? Jim “Coke Residue” Dolan always makes smart hires.
Former Indiana Pacers exec and New York native Donnie Walsh is replacing Isiah Thomas as Knicks team president. It's got to be a wee bit prickly for Zeke to be replaced by the man who gave him his first coaching job. Walsh hasn't yet stated whether he's going to fire Zeke from his posts as the club's coach, GM, and chief operator of sexual harassment, saying that he wants to first sit down with him and have a “meaningful basketball discussion.” Here's to hoping the discussion centers around how hard the doorknob should hit him on his way out. As far as Walsh goes, he gets the benefit of the doubt, for now (I mean, the Pacers he just left have a wildly successful 31-43 record). Speaking of ineffectual employees, it's time for one final 2007-2008 reading of the Eddy Curry Vagin-O-Meter, after the jump.
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The last game the Knicks won was a 113-89 smashing of the woeful Charlotte Bobcats (those cats do bob). In that astounding rout over a team that would get rocked by a girls' college intramural team “All-Star” center Eddy Curry spent his precious 16 early minutes amassing 3 rebounds, 2 blocks, and 0 points. Which brings us to…the Eddy Curry Vagin-o-Meter.
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NBA All-Star 2008 Weekend is almost upon us! If that gives you a stiff one, piss off and suck it. While the league showcases its best and brightest stars in revitalized New Orleans, my New York Knicks look more like the post-apocalyptic Lower Ninth Ward (ask your wodies). Since there’s little greatness to celebrate, Zoloft-poppin’ Captain Knick is gonna give you his most recent causes for depression.
*MSG keeps inviting NFL champion New York Giants players to games, tricking fans into clapping for something. Fans are learning that it takes conditioning to jeer for 41 home games annually. There haven’t been respectable boos or “Sodomize Dolan!” chants in weeks.
*Stephon “Not an All-Starbury” Marbury should finally be winning his title: “Craziest Player of the Year.” His Unabomber-like retreat from society means it’ll probably go to Gilbert “Agent Zero” Arenas. How crazy can you be if you write a coherent blog? Steph is snake shit crazy. You ever even seen snake shit? Didn’t think so.
*Guinness recently named “franchise” center Eddy Curry–all 6-foot 11-inches, 285 lbs. of him–the world’s biggest pussy. Not even whale poon came close. Be sure to look for my “Eddy Curry Vagin-o-meter,” measuring his contractions, coming soon.
