Complex Blog » Beijing Olympics

Olympic Rap Battle: Michael Phelps Vs. Amanda Beard

justinm — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 22:35:49 +0000

There’s blood in the water. Tuesday, on 93.7 KRQ Tucson’s “Johnjay and Rich in the Morning” radio show, Olympic swimmer and model Amanda Beard made a few sideways comments about fellow USA Olympian and national hero Michael Phelps. When asked if they were dating or had kissed, she replied, “Eww, that’s so nasty! … Come on, I have really good taste.” Phelps, who is drowning under eight fresh gold medals (not to mention endorsements and groupie love), has brushed it off, and Beard has apologized for making jokes at his expense.

Of course, Complex couldn’t let it die with such a minimal splash. We imagined the swimmers using their breath control to battle. It’s no race to the finish, just a test of rap skills. Check out the verses below and vote on who leaves who wet up.

Michael’s Verse:

Me date you? Illogical. I spear models
I wouldn't take a swim in that trim with beer goggles
Any rumor that I'd do ya is a bad joke
Not even with a bag on your head, doing the backstroke
Sorry to dash hopes, you can peck the balls
And my medal haul while I teabag you from the pedestal
See me on Wheaties, feeding the world breakfast
No medals in '08? You can get a pearl necklace
Eight golds. You don't have an eighth my fame
You were serving concessions at the Beijing Games
(Crazy lame.) My legend will lives for ages
The biggest splash you've made is in the sticky pages
My dick was gracious getting half hard for it
Mad unfortunate, half horsey bitch
Bearded lady, you can get the gas face
Then take a lap (of my crack) and tell me how my ass taste.

Amanda’s Verse:

Touch this Bunny hole? Don't even think it.
My pussy ain't a prize for the Special Olympics
Idiot, you got your golds, now swim home
Cause China stones the shit out a kid with Down Syndrome
I can’t believe anybody’d wanna sponsor
The love child of Corky and the Loch Ness Monster
Fast in the water, dumb slow on land
But quick to bust early, blow a load in your pants
And they wonder why they call you “The Baltimore Bullet”
Emptying all your rounds before you can pull it
Only in Playboy you see these buns
Practicing your best stroke: the penis pump
I see through the packaging, you're mad saccharine
Splashing in the water and lapping men
With your waxed abdomen, you part bitch
You swallow and Mark Spitz

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

The 5 Hottest Paraguayan Women

donniek — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 22:40:17 +0000

“And the gold medal for Camel Toe goes to…”

The Beijing Olympics really has us in touch with the beauty of sport and the pageantry of international competition. So when we watched insanely hot Paraguayan javelin tosser Leryn Franco attempt (and resoundingly fail) to qualify in her event this morning, we started thinking… beauty … international… competition… fuck, Paraguayan women are hot!

So with the competitive Olympic spirit in mind, we went sniffing through the heart of South America to unearth Paraguay’s finest women. Who wins the gold? We’ve got medals to give!

Click Here To See The Winners…

5 Reasons We Don’t Care About Olympic Swimming

justinm — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 19:09:12 +0000

There are some compelling stories in the water at the Beijing Olympics. Freakish swimmer Michael Phelps is setting records and winning gold medals left and right, threatening to break Mark Spitz’s record of seven at a single Olympics. Dara Torres, 41, is old as well-sculpted dirt and she’s still collecting hardware in her fifth Games (her first was 1984).

But despite all the attention swimming is receiving, we’re not still not fully-sold on the sport'and we have our reasons. Check out five valid points on why we don’t give a shit about what’s going on in the pool…

#5 LACK OF FLOTATION DEVICES

You’d think the “breast stroke” would be just bags and bags of fun, but it turns out women’s swimming doesn’t really feature top heavy talent. Broad shoulders and tight pecs, yes. Call us crass, but we think a little greater resistance would be titillating.

#4 WORDS GET WET

The sounds of jeers don’t travel well underwater. What fun is watching races live if a swimmer can’t hear a fan question the sanctity of their mother’s babymaker?

#3 NO SPEEDO LIMIT

Seriously, between the photo shoots and post-race swimsuit stripping, we’ve seen way too many dudes’ glistening lower abdomens (you know, halfway down the Happy Trail). These guys couldn’t race in bubble jackets?

#2 THE GREAT WHITE HOPE

Would somebody please get LeBron a swimsuit? Props to Cullen Jones, who became only the second African-American swimmer to win an Olympic gold medal, but we haven’t seen pools this white since we discovered bukkake.

#1 THE WAXNESS

We’re all for a little waxing now and then, but looking at nothing but completely waxed women makes us feel like pedophiles. Really, it has nothing to do with what’s stored on our hard drive.

The Best Of The Worst Anti-Asian Racism

donniek — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 22:41:43 +0000

Hateful, offensive humor has only a few easy targets left: gays, retards, and'our personal favorite'Asians. So we weren’t really surprised to see the Spanish Olympic basketball team making a “Me Chinese!” slanty-eyed gesture for a magazine ad. You think that’s offensive? Ho Rearry?? We put the Spanish ad up against other recent examples of anti-Asian racism in the media using our exclusive Chinaman rating scale…

1989-present: Asian grocers in Hollywood films

RACIST RATING:

Asians run delis like Jews run Hollywood. Yeah, so what? It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’re more offended that Bobby Lee and Dr. Ken Jeong were so underused in Pineapple Express. What a fucking waste.

2002: Shaq welcomes Yao to the NBA

RACIST RATING:

People gotta stop taking what comes out of Shaq’s mouth seriously. Dude’s a goofball and sometimes says prick-ish things, but it’s never out of malice (outside of his ass-tasting freestyles). Besides, Aries Spears doing Shaq is better than any imitation Shaq will ever come up with.

2004: William Hung appears on American Idol

RACIST RATING:

This muthafucka. We still think he was a network creation. “It’s a singing retarded-looking Chinaman named ‘Hung’! Think about it people!!!” *Entire room explodes in laughter.*

2006: Rosie O'Donnell’s ching-chong act on The View

RACIST RATING:

Rosie O’Donnell is just all-around cunty, isn’t she? This isn’t that far from what Shaq said, but the difference is all in Rosie’s sourpuss delivery. Mean-spirited is what it is. Cunt.

2006: adidas Y1 HUF shoe

RACIST RATING:

Adidas got caught in a shitstorm after they released a limited-edition shoe with a Chinese caricature on the tongue. The shoe was designed by noted graf artist Barry “Twist” McGee, and guess what folks? He’s half-Chinese! He gets a pass. We’re more offended that the shoe is ugly as fuck.

2007: Rob Schneider plays Chinese in I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry

RACIST RATING:

Rob Schneider has a lil’ Asian in him (ayo!) but we can’t condone this rotten, asinine, unfunny take as a (Chinese? Japanese? Filipino?) priest. At least get the accent right, you cock boy.

2008: Spanish Olympic basketball team poses slanty-eyed

RACIST RATING:

C’mon y’all. They Spanish. Shit, their soccer fans still make monkey noises at black players. In other words, it’s hard to take offense from a country that we all know is racist anyway. Plus we always knew Pau Gasol was a big twat so it’s no surprise.

Smog Style: The Pollution Mask Shopping Guide

Bradley — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:39:40 +0000

The Olympic Opening Cermonies were awesome'got to give China that'but unfortunately the pollution is a pretty pret-tay big problem over there. Just in case you’re kicking it in the Forbidden City for the Games, we’ve put together a short list of pollution-defying (and ultra-fashionable) masks to help you deal with dusty air, spitting locals, or even the unexpected SARS outbreak…

Darh Vader Supreme Mask
Pollution Protection: 2/5
Cost: $20-50

Project strength and deter pickpockets with the most evil (and awesome) character of all time! The tightly fit metal grill piece provides protection from airborne solids. Not so good if you’re sensitive to pollution, but on a looks/fear play, it is unbeatable.

Customized Glittery Dust Mask With Soda Hole
Pollution Protection: 3/5
Cost: $1-7

For all you do-it yourselfers, use a simple arts and craft technique to have the mask meet your needs! Dust masks often come in multi-packs, so if you change your country alliances halfway through the games, it’s not a huge expense.

Shaquille O’Neal and Dwight Howard Masks
Pollution Protection: 1/5
Cost: $0

The Chinese loooove basketball, so posing as an American celebrity player is sure to get you through any smog-filled lines and right into the stadium. Print out, cut along the dotted lines, and head for the VIP entrance, my dude.

Designer Gas Masks
Pollution Protection: 5/5
Cost: $5,000+

China is the Motherland of bootleg Gucci and Louis Vuitton, so these one-of-one designer gas masks made by Diddo Velema will make you the talk of the town while staying extra safe.

“Terrorist” Scarf
Pollution Protection: 3/5
Cost: $7-50

The best part about going to war with other cultures is checking out the new fashion styles and appropriating them! A word of advice on the shemagh though: be sure to uncover your face before approaching the ticket counter. Word to Rachael Ray.

New Olympic Sports We Want To See

donniek — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 22:41:12 +0000

So yeah, you might have heard: The Summer Olympics started in Beijing today. That sound you hear is our collective disinterest in the entire spectacle. We mean, outside of Women’s Gymnastics. It’s a great chance to watch flexible, limber teens in action without having the feds seize your laptop.

What would make the Olympics better? We’ve got some ideas for new Olympic sports that would undoubtedly keep us entertained. Considering that they added BMX (effing yawnfest if you ask us) as an Olympic sport this year, our suggestions don’t seem that far-fetched. Some of them anyway. Check out our Olympic sport proposals below…

1. SLAPPING

Slap contests are the fucking best. Who wouldn’t watch a slap contest? We think China might be the favorite here'long pinky fingernails, son.

2. HACKY SACKING

They call it “footbag,” but a better name would be “douchebag.” Still, there’s something entertaining about watching a bunch of pimple-faced dorks kicking a crocheted scrotum back and forth. This event has to be held in a high school parking lot.

3. BLUNT-ROLLING

Judged on speed, shape, and overall smokeability. Just imagine the drama when our Brooklyn-bred competitor tests his skills against a skinny Dutch kid in the gold medal showdown.

4. SCRABBLE

Yeah, not that exciting, but we want Scrabble in the Olympics just so there’d be an event we might have a chance in. That’s right, come and test us. That’s Abe Lincoln up there by the way.

5. TEAM SPLOOGING

Japan probably thinks it’ll win, having invented bukkake and all. But just take a look at our team captain up there. WE GOT THIS.

Lego Beijing Replica Takes An Olympic Effort

jerwin — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 17:13:19 +0000

It may not set any world records, but this Lego city is cooler than any plastic metropolis we’ve seen. Built by the Hong Kong Lego User Group, the partial Beijing replica celebrates next month’s Olympics with scale models of many of the venues where the Games will take place, including the National Stadium, the National Aquatics Center, and Olympic Village.

The model consists of over 300,000 bricks and 4,500 figures, and will be on display at the Grand Century Palace in Hong Kong through August 31. After the jump, check out a gallery of pics to see the amazing attention to detail.

[HKLug via LikeCool]

Nike’s Hyperdunk Ad Is In Your Face

justinm — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 23:02:27 +0000

Nike's new ad campaign for the Hyperdunk is subtle like testicles in your eye sockets. The posterization promotes the shoe Olympic basketball players will be wearing in Beijing next month and recalls Vince Carter's infamous dunk at the 2000 Games in Sydney, when the 6'6″ USA guard leapt over France's 7'2″ center Frederic Weis. (Actually, the high-flying dunker propelled himself higher by pushing Weis's head down'and then scraped his sweaty balls against it.)

At the time, VC was wearing Nike's most technologically advanced hoops shoe, the Shox BB4. The Hyperdunk, which features Flywire technology and Lunarlite foam, is Nike's lightest and strongest basketball shoe ever, and the company clearly hopes it will play a part in an equally memorable facial. See VC's infamous teabagging of Frederic Weis after the jump.

The Faces Of The Beijing Olympics Game

bfred — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 18:52:31 +0000

Click on the image to view the full cover

We have fond memories of button-mashing Konami's old Track & Field game (way) back in the day at the local arcade. Sadly, there hasn't been a decent Olympics-based video game since then.

SEGA hopes to buck the trend with its new Beijing 2008 Olympics video game, which ships on June 24. The game simulates over 35 events (including tae kwon do and judo, suckas!) and is playable online for some true world competition. In advance of the release, SEGA just revealed the game's box art, which features U.S. medal hopefuls Amanda Beard, Tyson Gay, Nastia Liukin and Reese Hoffa. See some shots from the game and learn who the choice athletes are after the jump.

Featured Athletes
(from left to right on game cover)

Amanda Beard
SPORT: Swimming
CLAIM TO FAME: Seven gold medals; a naked Playboy pictorial; will appear in the June/July issue of Complex!

Reese Hoffa
SPORT: Shot Put
CLAIM TO FAME: Reigning world champion of cool-ass sport.

Tyson Gay
SPORT: Track
CLAIM TO FAME: Currently ranked #1 in the world; a jubilant last name.

Nastia Liukin
SPORT: Gymanstics
CLAIM TO FAME: Born in Russia; mastery of uneven bars, balance beam; a limber, flexible gymnast's body…mmmm.

[Click on an image to view full size]

Hyperdunk: The Kobe 4?

bfred — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 22:19:56 +0000

In more awesomeness news from the Nike “Innovation Summit” on Beijing Olympics tech comes the Hyperdunk. This basketball shoe features “Flywire” technology, a feature that was originally developed to help Nike make a lighter-than-air track spike (which they did and will also debut at Beijing). Flywire works a lot like a suspension bridge, where instead of panels providing support, there are “cables” that are sewn across the foot for support while cutting back and forth, cutting down on weight substantially. Kobe is gonna run point on making you want to buy it, and will be wearing it during tonight's game versus the Clippers. Check out some photos of Kobe, Mark Parker, and design sketches of the shoe, after the jump.