Had we not just finished Complex’s 100 Best Sports Moments of the 2000s (click here if you missed it), we definitely would have included the historic moment when San Antonio Spurs guard Manu “Batman” Ginobili finally acknowledged that he’s been playing with a bald spot for several seasons and cropped it close. Yes, men discussing other men’s hair is precious, but in the NBA a badass ‘do is vital to intimidating opponents, and guys who look like balding old men get no respect. Years back, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Clyde Drexler, and Karl Malone all learned this and shaved their heads. Now Ginobili is setting the example for a new generation. Here are five current players we bald-spotted who should follow his lead…

DERON WILLIAMS, UTAH JAZZ
• D-Will is a great young point guard who sees the holes in defenses but apparently he can’t see the space opening up on his head.

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JOEY DORSEY, HOUSTON ROCKETS
• He’s since cut the rows and we’re still seeing a lot of scalp. That’s how a hairline races back on D.

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CHRIS KAMAN, LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS
• Of all teams, he plays for the Clippers. At least the irony’s thick.

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MICHAEL REDD, MILWAUKEE BUCKS
• Unfadeable? Not so much. He’d better buy a straight razor before somebody takes it hard to that hole.

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RIP HAMILTON, DETROIT PISTONS
• You won’t get any “his teammate Charlie Villanueva has a fuller head of hair than he does” jokes from us. Dude has alopecia universalis, and that would just be wrong.

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****COACH/GM BONUS:

MIKE DUNLEAVY, LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS
• Adidas outfits the NBA. Perhaps it’s also endorsing him to comb those three strands back?

RELATED: Complex’s Top 100 Sports Moments of the 2000s!

Keep reading to see what our team of testers—including RON JACKSON (6’2”, 245, PF/C), DO KIM (5’8”, 135, PG), and JUSTIN MONROE (5’11”, 155, SF) thought of the Nike Air Max LeBron 7, the adidas TS Commander, the Jordan Melo M6, and more. Game on…

Jordan Melo M6 $120, jumpman23.com
DK: “The Melo M6 is a great lightweight shoe, solid support and feel on the court. The shoe was responsive and allowed me to do what I wanted when cutting and making quick direction changes. It has a good level of padding and support throughout the shoe. It’s definitely a little stiff, so it does need breaking in. It’s a good overall middle-ground, versatile shoe for smaller and bigger players. The ankle support was good but stiff. A piece of the shoe was digging into my foot on the outer ankle, but other than that, no major complaints.”
COMFORT: 4/5
SUPPORT: 4/5
STYLE: 3.5/5
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adidas TS Cut Creator (T-Mac) $110, shopadidas.com
DK: “These have an inner sock liner/boot that was very comfortable. It felt like you were wearing two socks, which wasn’t always good, because it bunches a little and you have to get used to the buttery feeling, but feels great. It’s sewn into the shoe, so unlike some sock shoes, it’s not gonna come out. I didn’t notice the sock shifting as I made cuts, though, so that’s a plus. Of all the sneakers I tested, these had the best court response. I felt the most in tune with the court and my foot. It’s geared more towards guards than big men. I can’t recommend it to bigger players. The lowest cut of all the shoes, and if you need that you probably want to look somewhere else. Straightforward design with no fancy designs. You don’t have to pump or strap anything, which is good.”
COMFORT: 5/5
SUPPORT: 4/5
STYLE: 4/5
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PONY UL-38 (Chandler) $80, ponyfootwear.com
RJ: “These are a guard-type sneaker. They’re lower on the ankle than most sneakers I’d buy, but running in them is real comfortable. I did feel a little like I could roll my ankle from side to side, and if I’m playing in the post I want it to be tighter for more power and stability. When I come down and I feel like my ankles pop out, I have to stop and reset. Style wise, for Pony, it’s a miracle. The strap does nothing but it looks nice and I think without it it would be a pretty plain shoe.”
COMFORT: 4/5
SUPPORT: 3.5/5
STYLE: 4.5/5
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Converse Weapon EVO $80, converse.com
RJ: “It was cutting up my foot at the end of the laces, right above the bunion. If they softened up the shoe’s inside it wouldn’t be so bad. Be prepared to break these in for a while. They run slightly big, so keep that in mind. It’s an entry level shoe, a sneaker that is built to last.
COMFORT: 2/5
SUPPORT: 2/5
STYLE: 2/5
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Nike Air Max LeBron 7 $160, nike.com
JM: “The new LeBron is a great combo of a lightweight upper and a super-sturdy midsole. It feels secure without choking your foot out, and the airbag makes the sneaker really comfortable. Best LeBron yet, hands down.”
Support: 4.5/5
Comfort: 5/5
Style: 5/5
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adidas TS Commander (Garnett) $100, eastbay.com
RJ: “The padded insole in this sneaker is a great inclusion. When I ran around in this sneaker, it didn’t feel like I was running at all. With its extra cushion and support, this is definitely the best shoe for a big man. It feels like it’s battle tested and sturdy but not heavy. Better for people with wide feet. These are the sneakers that I would play ball outside in.”
COMFORT: 5/5
SUPPORT: 4/5
STYLE: 3.5/5
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Nike Hypermax $130, nike.com
RJ: “I have a wide foot but the tapered back felt good because it was snug on my foot and kept foot movement minimal. The Hypermax provided a decent amount of ankle support but the lightweight toe cap made me a little nervous on forefoot support. The toecap is a little hard, so make sure you get a pair that fits, otherwise you’re going to be banging your toes into the toecap-not fun. With low-cut socks the flywire cuts you up a little bit, so keep that in mind as well. These are sexy sneakers, though, I’ll walk around in these all day. In the sunlight they look purple instead of red and black.”
COMFORT: 3.5/5
SUPPORT: 4/5
STYLE: 5/5
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Jordan Schoolin’ $115, jumpman23.com
JM: “This sneaker is a little bulkier than the Hyperize (which I’ve worn) but the tradeoff is that it feels sturdier, which is good for a heavier guard. The cut-outs look cool but don’t do anything for you other than perhaps add ventilation. They lose shape a little and don’t hug your foot when you lace the shoes up tight. It feels like that could have been addressed, but as far as aesthetics, these are perhaps my favorite Jordan brand team shoes I’ve ever seen.”
COMFORT: 3/5
SUPPORT: 3/5
STYLE: 4/5

• CLICK HERE TO SEE MORE COMPLEX SNEAKER POSTS!

Since we obviously couldn’t challenge his real-life game, we had to check his gamer credibility. We chatted Derrick up about NBA 2K10, his thoughts on the unlockable player Kanye West, and his team’s plans for next season. If you haven’t already purchased NBA 2K10, peep Derrick’s trailer after the jump. Oh and make sure you’ve got 60 bucks in your wallet, because yeah, it’s that good…

Interview by Andrew Rivera

Complex: Are you a big fan of the NBA 2K series?

Derrick Rose: Yeah, I’ve always been a fan, I’ve been playing it for a long time. That’s probably the only game I really play right now.

Complex: Did you have any particular favorite growing up?

Derrick Rose: No I didn’t really have any growing up. I had a lot of adventure games growing up, but I caught myself up on 2K games.

Complex: Since you’re on the Bulls, we’d guess you probably use them more now, but did you ever have a preferred team?

Derrick Rose: I actually don’t play with the Bulls, I play with the Lakers and I guess my fans play with the Bulls.

Complex: The draft feature is a big deal. Everyone is buzzing about making their own character and in a way raise it through the summer camps and D-Leagues. How close is the game to the real-life experience?

Derrick: Oh it’s real close. Its kind of like personal on the game. You actually do stuff that you really do in the combine. Really I didn’t have to do that much because I think that the top five or six players don’t really have to do that much but on the game you play against each other in scrimmage, work on your skills, and hopefully you’ll get drafted. On the game, if your player’s that good you can transfer him over to the 2K10 game.

Complex: Other than the draft, what would you say is your favorite aspect about 2K10?

Derrick Rose: I played it a little bit and I like my jump shot on there now.

Complex: Was there a problem with it? Did they not make it up to your standards?

Derrick Rose: Nah, it wasn’t great at all last year. [Laughs.] This year it’s following my style a little more so I’m happy about it.

Complex: Does it look better or does it play better?

Derrick Rose: Everything is better. Looks better, the play style is better, and the visual on there you can tell they really put some work on there. Like they made my jumper better but they changed my crossover a little bit more. They put some crossovers there that I did in the game and I like it. I go up in the hole, you can change your lay-ups a little bit more in the game. Pull up below the shoulders, you can do all that stuff in the game.

Complex: That’s cool. You had mentioned before that you don’t play with the Bulls, so what’s it like when you have to play against yourself in the game? Is that a conflict for you?

Derrick: Yeah, it is kind of hard. You want to see yourself be good but I still want to win the game. So if like somebody dunks on with me with myself I’m kind of mad about it, I’ll probably have to stop for a little bit. [Laughs.]

Complex: You use the Lakers, so how about when it’s you playing as Kobe and you have to dunk on yourself?

Derrick Rose: Its funny only because when I’m playing the game it’s amusing. [Laughs.] But you gotta know it’s just a video game. In real life I won’t ever jump early for the block.

Complex: There are some unlockable players in the game, including The Game, Wale, and Kanye West—rappers who all claim they play a fair amount of ball. How do you think a one-on-one game with you and Kanye West would go? In real life, would you just destroy him?

Derrick Rose: Yes! [Laughs.]

Complex: But he’s Kanye. His hometown is Chicago, the same town you play for. Can’t you take it easy on him?

Derrick: [Laughs] Nah, it doesn’t matter, it’s over. That’s not his field. That’s like my going into the booth and trying to write 16 bars to go against his.

Complex: So basically it’s a stay-in-your-lane thing?

Derrick Rose: Yes. Absolutely.

Complex: You were on the cover of Kicks magazine. Do you have any favorite kicks of all time?

Derrick Rose: Of all time? Nah, I don’t have any of all time. Adidas are putting some out right now that I like. I like all shell-toes and they really have some hot ones coming out that everyone is going to really enjoy I think. But other then that I don’t really mess with sneakers.

Complex: Who is the most famous celebrity that you’ve played NBA 2K10 or the previous 2K games against?

Derrick Rose: I’m about to play Kobe later on today actually.

Complex: What are your predictions?

Derrick Rose: I think I’m going to win. You know he has too much stuff going on right now. [Laughs.] Shit, he’s gotta worry about being the best in the NBA and all this other stuff. Me, I’ve only got to worry about the games. I’m only 20—I don’t got no chicks, he’s got a wife and all that stuff. So there’s way more stuff to worry about.

Complex: So isn’t it going to be awkward when you try and play him with the Lakers?

Derrick Rose: No, I’m going to go with the Bulls on this one but if I wasn’t, it would be the Lakers of course. I will dunk on him though, as me in the game.

Complex: [Laughs.] Good to know. So what else have you been doing before the NBA season starts?

Derrick Rose: Right now my biggest thing is to improve my all-around game. Gotta get back as quickly as possible to my team so we can get can start things early so we can try to jell quick. Our biggest thing as an organization right now is winning. If you don’t win, something’s wrong. Winning takes care of everything, so our biggest thing is winning.

VIDEO: NBA 2K10 Game Trailer

But don’t count Live out just yet—EA has essentially acknowledged the weaknesses of its recent NBA offerings by proclaiming this year’s edition as the franchise’s comeback. And it looks the part: NBA Live 10 (which drops today on 360, PS3, and PSP) has been rebuilt from the floor up, with more realistic gameplay and sim features as well as “Dynamic DNA,” which wirelessly updates player and team info throughout the season. Over the summer, we visited the EA Canada headquarters near Vancouver to get an early look at Live 10 and chat with its cover athlete. Read on for Dwight Howard’s candid responses to The Complex 7 as well as a look at the Live trailer and Buy It Now links…

 #1: WHAT’S THE NUMBER ONE DEAL-BREAKER FOR A POTENTIAL GIRLFRIEND?

Dwight says: For me, somebody that’s nagging. I don’t like somebody that’s nagging for attention. She’s gonna get my attention but she doesn’t have to nag for it. I prefer laidback—just let me do my thing and when they wanna get together, all right.

 #2: WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE SNEAKER OF ALL TIME?

Dwight says: I’ve always liked Jordans, the way they feel. [Ed. note—Dwight is an adidas athlete. Zoinks!] I’ve only played in one pair and I can’t remember the name.

Complex says: So I guess you’re not a real Jordan head if you can’t remember which one.

Dwight says: No, not like that. But I did like his shoes, they look good. But the most comfortable pair I ever worn is the Air Force 1. They just feel good.

 #3: WHEN’S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

Dwight says:: A couple of weeks after the Finals. I was watching a special on a local station about our season and they were showing a review and talking to different players and they showed some highlights and I thought about some good times and getting far in our run for the championship. I started thinking about all that stuff and got some tears in my eyes.

Complex says: The emotions are still kinda raw from that, huh?

Dwight says: Oh yeah, you know it’ll be in my mind for a while. That was a big moment in my life, playing in the NBA Finals.

 #4: IF YOU HAD A WEEK HOLIDAY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Dwight says: I’d probably be somewhere resting getting a good massage. I like coming up here to Vancouver. It’s a beautiful place. I been here kinda low-key for the past three years, just staying at a hotel to chill and get my mind off basketball.

 #5: WHAT HAS GOT TO BE IN YOUR FRIDGE AT ALL TIMES?

Dwight says: Something…it’s a sports drink, I’ll say that. Can’t say what. [Ed. note—Dwight is sponsored by Vitaminwater. Zoinks!]

 #6: WHAT’S THE WORST WAY YOU’VE BROKEN UP WITH SOMEONE?

Dwight says: I’m very emotional and I love relationships and sharing time with my significant other. I don’t think I’ve had any bad breakups that I caused, but I would say the worst way I broke up was I had one of my homeboys do it for me. I was in the 9th grade. We had gotten in the classroom, and he wrote on the chalkboard, “It’s over.” All my classmates came in and said, “It’s over!” And she still didn’t get it.

 #7: WHAT’S THE MOST EMBARRASSING PIECE OF CLOTHING YOU’VE EVER WORN?

Dwight says: Well, I’m not embarrassed about clothing. Growing up we always had Tacky Day, so I’ve worn just about anything. So I wouldn’t say I’ve had any embarrassing moments wearing clothes.

VIDEO: NBA LIVE 10 trailer

• CLICK TO BUY NBA LIVE 10 FOR THE XBOX 360; PLAYSTATION 3; AND PSP!

• CLICK HERE TO SEE MORE “COMPLEX 7″ INTERVIEWS

Whoever said, “God made dirt and dirt don’t hurt” never got kneed in the balls by Bruce Bowen. The NBA feels considerably cleaner today now that the former San Antonio Spurs guard has retired to spend his days kicking school kids in the shins. Known for his three championships and five-time NBA all-defensive team play cheap shots, Bowen infuriated opponents for the better part of a decade with dirty moves that could have ended careers (and should have ended his). In honor of his retirement, Complex revisits and rates his filthiest plays. Watch ‘em with your Wet Wipes!

Victim: Amare Stoudemire
Dirty Move: The Bruce Bowen MLS Ankle Kick
Dirty Rating:

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Victim: Ray Allen
Dirty Move: The Bruce Bowen Back Massage
Dirty Rating:

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Victim: Steve Francis
Dirty Move: The Bruce Bowen Ankle-Roller Coaster
Dirty Rating:

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Victim: Anthony Carter
Dirty Move: The NEW AND IMPROVED! Bruce Bowen Ankle-Roller Coaster
Dirty Rating:

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Victim: Amare Stoudemire
Dirty Move: The Bruce Bowen Sternum Talking To
Dirty Rating:

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Victim: Sasha Vujacic
Dirty Move: The Bruce El-Bowen
Dirty Rating:

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Victim: Steve Nash
Dirty Move: The Bruce Bowen On-the-Balls Offense
Dirty Rating:

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Victim: Wally Szczerbiak
Dirty Move: The Bruce Bowen Fatal Flying Foot to the Face
Dirty Rating:

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Victim: Chris Paul
Dirty Move: The Bruce Bowen Knee-thage
Dirty Rating:

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Victim: Chris Paul
Dirty Move: The Bruce Bowen Bounced Check
Dirty Rating:

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Victim: Allen Iverson
Dirty Move: The Bruce Bowen Question & Answer Session
Dirty Rating:

• CLICK HERE TO SEE MORE COMPLEX SPORTS POSTS!

We peeped Nike’s latest clip and it’s another sureshot, featuring Kevin Durant, Mo Williams, Rashard Lewis, and Andre Iguodala as Compton-style rappers (word to the immortal DJ Quik). It made us think of all the past Nike hoops ads we enjoyed growing up. We narrowed a list down to the 10 best Nike Basketball commercials ever (note: Nike only, no Jordan Brand) so check the videos below and see if your favorites made the cut….

#10 COMMERCIAL: Brand New Day
FEATURING: Vince Carter
It’s funny to see a tall-ass basketball player dance like he’s Gene Kelly in Singin’ in the Rain.

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#9 COMMERCIAL: No Excuses
FEATURING: Matt Scott (wheelchair basketball player)
Whenever we’re feeling lazy, we watch this ad for motivation—Just do it.

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#8 COMMERCIAL: Nike Shox
FEATURING: Gary Payton and Vince Carter
We bought Nike Shox solely because we thought we’d be able to dunk like this.

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#7 COMMERCIAL: Swimming Pool
FEATURING: The LeBrons
Watching Lebron James play different personalities is hilarious. His soft-spoken, womanizer character is especially funny.

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#6 COMMERCIAL: Marvin Gaye x USA Team
FEATURING: Marvin Gaye and the 2008 Olympics USA Basketball Team
Nike took footage of Marvin Gaye singing the national anthem at the 1983 NBA All-Star Game and combined it with images of Team USA training for the 2008 Olympics. Real touching, real dope.

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CLICK NEXT FOR THE TOP 5

When a media type reports that an NBA player may be gang affiliated, we typically assume that the reporter snitch is just some jealous old white dude whose diaper is bunching up because he hates seeing a young black man making more money than he’ll ever see in his miserable lifetime. Sometimes, though, the journalist has actually seen Gangland on the History Channel and knows what they’re talking about. Denver Nuggets guard J.R. Smith (seen above either throwing up a Bloods gang sign, or impersonating a velociraptor) has raised eyebrows recently with his posts on Twitter, a powerful weapon used by gang members to build social networks. Like a true Piru, or someone who missed a couple key days of Sesame Street growing up, Smith has been omitting c’s, which stand for the rival Crips gang, and replacing them with k’s, which stand for potassium on the periodic table.

So, we’re pretty sure that Smith is a straight up knucklehead who’s gonna get himself in deep shit with NBA Commissioner David Stern, who long ago gave up whoo-bangin’ and doesn’t want it anywhere near his league. But what about other players who’ve been known to throw up hand signals for the homies? Complex reads between the signs to determine who’s gang affiliated and who’s not…

QUENTIN RICHARDSON
Suspicious sign: After making any play of slight significance, Richardson bangs his fists against his forehead.
Gang related?: Q-Rich, who was born in Chicago gangland, started throwing up the sign with teammate Darius Miles while playing for the Los Angeles Clippers (Cali is active, mane!). We can’t rule out possible gang meaning, but since he’s spent the past four seasons playing for the woeful New York Knicks, we’d also accept that he was just trying to knock himself out to bring an end to his misery.

PAUL PIERCE
Suspicious sign: The NBA fined P-double $25K for making the “menacing gesture” above towards the Atlanta Hawks after he was knocked down in a playoff game.
Gang related?: Pierce, who grew up outside Los Angeles in gang-infested Inglewood, CA and Boston’s general manager Danny Ainge denied that it was a gang sign, claiming that it was a symbol used between players on the Celtics to represent “blood, sweat, and tears.” Blood, eh? Take another look at J.R. Smith’s finger blast and it’s plain to see that “The Truth” is full of shit.

DOUG CHRISTIE
Suspicious sign: During his playing days, Dougie Fresh, as nobody called him, ran up and down the court flashing a variety of hand signals.
Gang related?: Chain gang, sure. Concerned that Christie might be putting up numbers in NBA gangbangs, his possessive wife Jackie p-whipped him into signing mushy sentiments to her in the crowd during games. The only time Christie reps for bloods is when he’s buying his boo tampons.

NATE ROBINSON
Suspicious sign: Before shooting a free throw, Krypto-Nate does a military-style salute.
Gang related?: Nate Rob is indeed sending a message to his fellow young gunners, but that message is: Yes, it’s really me, Nate Robinson, who you’ve been playing video game shooters against online. Thank you for allowing me to interact with people closer to my own height, even if it’s virtually. Now come find me tonight in the Call of Duty: World At War lobby and test me if you wanna get pwned!

JASON KIDD
Suspicious sign: Before shooting a free throw, J-Kidd holds up four fingers to his mouth and blows a kiss to the basket.
Gang related?: Once upon a time, before it came out that he was beating and cheating on his then wife Joumana, Kidd was said to be blowing her kisses. Either that or he was just showing her the back of his hand.

BARON DAVIS
Suspicious sign: Like Smith and Pierce, B-Dizzle has thrown up a few thumb-to-index “O” signs before becoming famous enough that anyone gave a shit.
Gang related?: Davis, who grew up surrounded by gangs in L.A., is man enough to admit that it is a gang sign. Though he told Complex he’s “not glorifying” gang life, he admitted that he slips subconsciously at times because he “grew up playing with gangbangers.” This also explains why we subconsciously play with our dicks.

DERRICK ROSE
Suspicious sign: The young Bulls star was photographed twisting up his fingers into a Gangster Disciples sign at a University of Memphis party during his lone year there.
Gang related?: Rose, who grew up in the Englewood section of Chicago (are we sensing a pattern yet?), where the Disciples run deep, admits that the photo “appears to depict me flashing a gang sign,” but that it was just a “young, naive” kid making a “bad joke.” We’re sure the GD’s are laughing their asses off.

The participants haven’t been announced (as long as it’s not Wally Szczerbiak, we’re cool with it), but if the L takes cues from these classic equine roundball contests (ayo!), they can’t go wrong…

#5. CHARLES BARKLEY vs. JEAN-ROBERT BELLANDE

• Two things here: 1. Sir Charles probably needs to add a “pause” after saying “my horse is different than your horse.” 2. Vodka and horse do not mix (just ask Catherine the Great).

CLICK THROUGH TO SEE THE GREATEST GAMES OF H-O-R-S-E INCLUDING BILL WALTON, LEBRON AND MJ/BIRD

An NBA-related item that actually is worth following from beginning to end is The Macrophenomenal Pro Basketball Almanac: Styles, Stats, and Stars in Today’s Game, a new book from the FreeDarko blog. Out on Nov. 18, the hardcover combines FreeDarko’s b-ball nerd-dom with awesomely funny illustrations. Imagine an ego trip book on the NBA, and bingo. Find out more at the book’s new web site, or check out two spreads from the book below…

[Click images to see them full size]

STYLE GUIDE:

TIM DUNCAN BREAKDOWN:

Acting career, you ask? Yup. The dude has personality. He might wanna break into Hollywood one day, but for now he’s racking up YouTube plays by starring in entertaining videos that put Diddy blogs 1-29 to shame. Check out BD’s breakdown of his four favorite clips below…

“Step Brothers Spoof” with Steve Nash

B.D. SAYS: “We wanted to spoof buddy comedies like See No Evil, Hear No Evil. It was like, 'Let's buy some crazy-ass clothes and ride handle bikes.'”

“One Shot” directed by Emmanuelle Chriqui

B.D. SAYS: “That was with Reebok. Chriqui came up with the one-shot idea. I'm by far the best roller skater in the NBA.”

“Maroon 5 Karaoke”

B.D. SAYS: “That's blackmail! A good friend of Cash and mine manages Maroon 5. We played against Adam Levine in high school. So, basically it was just taking a shot at him.”

“The Stare”

B.D. SAYS: “We said, 'Let's have the world's biggest staring competition,' and see how many people we can get to compete. We want to break the Guinness Book of World Records for staring.”

Related:
-Complex’s NBA Season Preview: 16 Games To Watch
-The Shotcaller: Baron Davis

To celebrate Vlade’s ascension to the hallowed halls of government, we present the most ridiculous moments in his storied career…

JUNE 27, 1989:
DRAFTED BY L.A. LAKERS, SEEN SMOKING IN GREEN ROOM

After four seasons playing in his native Yugoslavia, Vlade declares himself eligible for the 1989 NBA Draft as a 21-year-old. He’s picked by the Lakers with the 26th pick; his slide in the draft is attributed by some to the fact that he was seen smoking cigarettes in the green room.

1997-98 SEASON:
SETS A CAREER HIGH WITH A 10 FLOPS PER GAME AVERAGE

Long renowned as the games best flopper, Vlade spends half of the ‘97-’98 season on his ass and discovers a new way to guard Shaquille O’Neal: drawing fake fouls on him. Nek si mu rekao!

LATE ‘90S:
INSPIRES SASHA BARON COHEN TO CREATE BORAT

What, you thought SBC just made that shit up himself?

SPRING 2002:
GETS DISSED BY SHAQUILLE O’NEAL, GETS IMMEDIATE REVENGE

Before Shaq offered to give Kobe a free ass taste, he performed a freestyle Vlade diss on the Lakers team bus. Unfortunately for Shaq though, the episode just proved how much cooler Vlade is: Yo Shaq! Your ringtone is the fuckin’ Cheers theme song!

SEPTEMBER 31, 2005:
PLAYS CENTER FOR GOLD MEDAL-WINNING SPECIAL OLYMPICS SQUAD

Vlade and gang win gold medal game 97-5, with Divac going for 95 points, 15 rebounds, 1 assist, and four teammates’ bed pans cleaned.

At least there’s a explanation for the lame name and colors. Thunder is a reference to the devastating storms in the region known as Tornado Alley, to the Oklahoma City-based 45th Infantry Division (nicknamed Thunderbirds for the state’s American Indian heritage), and also to Oklahoma douchebag Garth Brooks, who once wrote an ode to spousal abuse called “The Thunder Rolls.” The light blue, yellow, and reddish-orange team colors represent the state flag, the sun, and the sunset, respectively (apparently the color of coagulated blood to represent Bennett stabbing loyal Seattle fans in the back was shot down).

But what gives with the logo? Millions of dollars invested in a team and this is the best OKC could come up with? We expect bootleg designs from the NBA’s National Basketball Development League, but this is the pros! Take a look at five janky D-League logos and vote to determine if the OKC Thunder’s is any better…

COLORADO 14ERS
Finally, Colorado pedophiles who love basketball have a freak flag to fly!

IOWA ENERGY:
Providing solar power makes the sun constipated.

BAKERSFIELD JAM:
You can almost picture a slow white center stumbling into a dunk. Jammalicious!

SIOUX FALLS SKYFORCE:
We think they meant airborne life force. Nutty.

FORT WAYNE MAD ANTS:
This one is actually pretty fresh…if you’re trying to intimidate a picnic spread.

The six-time NBA All-Star was known as “The Reign Man” when he was slamming down ferocious dunks for the Seattle SuperSonics in the ’90s, but these days a more accurate nickname for him is “Heavy Drizzle.” Kemp last played in the NBA in 2002-03 and is most relevant as a cautionary tale of self-destruction. Now he’ll be able to destroy relations between the U.S. and Italy too. Read on to see five ways that he could get it done…

SPREAD HIS SEED

Kemp’s penne with special sauce is a family recipe responsible for (at least) seven kids by six women. The secret ingredient? Not being present to raise the kids. Just wait until some hot-tempered Italian dad finds out his daughter just got boxed out holding Kemp’s eighth seed. Homie Spumoni did less damage to ethnic relations.

GET FAT(TER)

Kemp looks like he’s in great shape now'he’s been desperately busting his fat ass in the gym to get another contract (child support doesn’t pay itself, folks). Of course, gluttony is the American way of life, and there’s absolutely no way he stays in shape once he gets to the endless plate of pasta that is Italy. Our early prediction: By midseason, he’ll lead the league in assisting himself to extra cannolis.

HAVE A DRUG RELAPSE

On second thought, maybe it’s not the best idea to throw a bunch of money at a recovering coke addict… What happens when Kemp gets depressed (yet again) because he’s eaten too much pasta and gotten fat (yet again)? How long before he desecrates the Italian game, drawing a suspension for trying to snort the free throw line?

SCARE OFF ASPIRING BALLERS
While the NBA recently instituted an age limit to keep kids from going pro directly out of high school, European kids go pro in their early teens. After seeing the mess that is Kemp, and learning that he jumped to the league without playing any college ball, Italian ballers will start favoring doctorates over dunks. Grazie, Kemp, accidental advocate for child labor laws!

PAVE THE WAY FOR STEPHON MARBURY
New York Knick headcase Stephon Marbury said he’s going to play in Italy after his NBA contract expired and everyone laughed, but if an Italian team will shell out to bring Kemp’s tired, troubled ass overseas, Starbury can’t be far behind. One question: How do you ask an impressionable intern if they wanna fuck in your truck in Italian?

We’ll have to put off watching that TiVo’d episode of Pros vs. Joes for another night, because there’s no way we can pass up an opportunity to see Henry dangle the dignity out of David Lee. The event takes place tomorrow night at 5:30 p.m. in Roosevelt Park on Chrystie St. between Rivington and Stanton. Watch the videos after the jump to get a preview of Nash’s soccer skills.

Nash’s “Training Day” Nike Ad:

Nash Shows Off Some Soccer Tricks On the Court:

Director Rick Greenwald and narrator David Duchovny take viewers way back to Caltech's early years, when the Beavers (named for “nature's engineer”) were as athletically gifted as they were academically. They then show how the demanding academic institution, which boasts numerous Nobel prize winners among its faculty and alumni, became a joke in Division III athletics (and not a Beaver joke, mind you). Two years prior to filming, the basketball team lost games by an average margin of more than 60 points.

Between the burden of history, rigorous workloads, and the fact that basketball is a diversion for these brilliant student-athletes, there's little reason to assume anything will change. But somehow, a team of “nerds” that fields more valedictorians than players with high school hoops experience begins to chip away at the margin of victory until eventually it's losing legitimately competitive games. In what is an ulcer-inducing rollercoaster climax, the Beavers play their final game of the season hoping to get the elusive “W.” Whether you identify with brainiacs, love underdogs, or have simply felt the sting of losing, Quantum Hoops will make you geek out. Check the trailer below.

Publicly disrespected by a relative nobody, Nowitzki did nothing, which lead former pros Magic Johnson and Charles Barkley to suggest that it made him look soft. Maybe he is soft. Or maybe the big German recognized that his value to his team is much higher than West's and that retaliation might get him suspended and cost his team the series. Or maybe he's on some Wayne/Juelz shit and just couldn't feel his face. Decide for yourself after the jump, where some pimp-slap-happy sportscasters review the incident.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

Los Angeles Lakers (1) vs. Denver Nuggets (8)
(Sunday, 3:00 PM ET, ABC)
Complex Sez: The state of Colorado tried to take Kobe down with a rape charge. Think he remembers?

New Orleans Hornets (2) vs. Dallas Mavericks (7)
(Saturday, 7:00 PM ET, ESPN)
Complex Sez: If the Mavs lose in the first round again, we're betting Dirk disappears into the Australian outback again to run wild with the dingoes for the rest of his days.

San Antonio Spurs (3) vs. Phoenix Suns (6)
(Saturday, 3:00 PM ET, ABC)
Complex Sez: It's safe to say Robert Horry won't give Steve Nash a forearm shiver this year'not unless he wants Shaq to tear the rim down power dunking his head.

Utah Jazz (4) vs. Houston Rockets (5)
(Saturday, 9:30 PM ET, ESPN)
Complex Sez: T-Mac has never been out of the first round of the playoffs. He's shooting with blue balls.

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Boston Celtics (1) vs. Atlanta Hawks (8)
(Sunday, 8:30 PM ET, TNT)
Complex Sez: With KG keeping the C's focused, there should be several blowouts'including the ratio of Boston fans to Atlanta's fan.

Detroit Pistons (2) vs. Philadelphia 76ers (7)
(Sunday, 6:00 PM ET, TNT)
Complex Sez: Sheed's pre-game windmill segues directly into a mass tea-bagging of the Sixers.

Orlando Magic (3) vs. Toronto Raptors (6)
(Sunday, 12:30 PM ET, TNT)
Complex Sez: Stan Van Gundy has all the perks of looking like Ron Jeremy, only he can't fellate himself.

Cleveland Cavaliers (4) vs. Washington Wizards (5)
(Saturday, 12:30 PM ET, ESPN)
Complex Sez: If DeShawn Stevenson is Soulja Boy to LeBron James's Jay-Z, who's the ho who gets skeeted on? Youuuuuuu?

Related: Kobe Is Back On Top!

Five years ago, a 19-year-old Colorado resort employee accused Bryant of raping her. He'd allegedly hit bottom (word to Sodom) and then would go on to hit a more figurative low over the next 14 months before the case was eventually dropped. The league's suddenly fallible golden boy had to state publicly, his wife by his side, that he'd had consensual extramarital sex with his accuser (we're sure the consensual bit helped smooth things right over at the Bryant home). Companies like McDonald's and Nutella terminated his endorsement contracts.

With the added pressure of the trial, and a stunning loss to the Detroit Pistons in the 2004 Finals, Bryant's already strained relationship with superstar center Shaquille O'Neal soured further and the star guard forced brass to ship the Diesel to Miami'cutting short a potential dynasty and denying the world a possible “Wood in the Hood” collabo rap album between the two stars. In Miami, O'Neal won another title with Dwyane Wade.

Bryant, finally the center of attention in L.A., struggled with a less talented supporting cast. Last off-season, sick of a third straight season without a playoff series win, Bryant criticized his teammates and Lakers management for not trading them, and then tried his best to get shipped out. When the season started, Laker fans who'd supported him during the rape allegations were morally outraged by his treachery and booed their beloved superstar.

In the end, the Lakers kept Bryant, who matured as a leader while the team's young players developed into legit role players and GM Mitch Kupchak pulled off a completely one-sided trade for the Memphis Grizzlies' talented seven-foot power forward/center Pau Gasol. Now, many people favor them to win it all. To do so, Bryant must return to the great state where he was accused of rape and dominate the Denver Nuggets. If he does, he will really come out on top. Again. Allegedly.

It seems like it was just last year that three of the NBA's marquee franchises were stinking up the joint while planning big off-season fishing trips. Oh wait, it was just last year. Since then, the Boston Celtics, Los Angeles Lakers, and New York Knicks each pulled off big trades that were supposed to turn them around (Boston acquired KG and Ray Allen; L.A. stole Pau Gasol; New York admitted head case Zach Randolph to the asylum). Now the Celtics (65-16) and Lakers (56-25) are the cream of their respective conferences and favored to win the title, possibly in an epic clash between the two. The Knicks (23-58) are fiddling with their poles and feeling fishy.

Last night, the Celtics reserve players gave Ew York a Boston creampie, sweeping their season series with a 99-93 defeat while the stars rested for the playoffs. With a season-ending loss tomorrow night to the Indiana Pacers, the Knicks would tie the franchise's record for L's caught for the second time in three seasons. As a Knick fan, I'm Celtic green with envy. And vomit. After the jump, see highlights from the 45-point November blowout that signaled just how different the Knicks and Celtics seasons would be.

Related:
-Captain Knick: Pucking You Tonight
-Captain Knick: Presidential Sweet
-Captain Knick: Worst Is First
-Captain Knick: Catching a New York Brick

[ESPN]

A year ago, after posting a dominating regular season record of 67-15, 2007 NBA MVP Nowitzki and the one seed Mavs were embarrassed in the first round of the playoffs by the eight seed Golden State Warriors (Ay Bay-Bay), a team that had just barely made the postseason. The basketball equivalent of a younger brother giving his older brother's woman the Jamaican accordion led many to question Nowitzki's leadership and manhood. The big German questioned himself, too (though not his manhood, as far as we know). He disappeared into the Australian outback on a backpacking trip to hide from the world.

Now, with a new teammate'onetime superstar point guard Jason Kidd'and an eighth straight season of 50 wins and a playoff appearance, it's possible that Nowitzki could shed his shame. Then again, the Western Conference is a beast, and beasts can only be tamed by bestiality (or so we hear). Soon we'll know if Nowitzki is ready to shake that monkey off and give it some stiff German discipline. Watch Dirk's clutch performance from last night after the break.

BONUS The end of last year’s Mavs-Warriors series: