Rocking a mean set of dad jeans and a White Sox jacket, Obama, by most accounts, got a somewhat wobbly pitch off that just barely made it to Albert Pujols‘ glove. See, it’s tough to tell from the TV clip, because the Fox Network cameraman fucked up Barry’s moment of glory athletic mediocrity with a bad angle. In fairness, anybody’s gonna look wack after Dubya, who could definitely find work as a relief pitcher if this whole legacy-building thing doesn’t pan out.

If nothing else, these birthday-bash photos (exposed by TMZ) serve as proof that presidents are regular people just like us. They like womanizing, boozing, smoking, and breaking the law. Unlike us, however, presidents always get away with it. Read on for more politically unfortunate photos that won’t be hanging in anyone’s Presidential library…

PRESIDENT KENNEDY
• This photo of JFK canoodling with Marilyn Monroe was snapped during a dinner party, circa 1960. Reports have surfaced recently of a Monroe sex tape in which she is (allegedly) seen giving a tip drill to a man said to be JFK. Even without a shit-quality vid, it’s been public knowledge that JFK used to smash that. Just look at JFK’s evasive body language—no man is ever trying to get caught in a photo with the mistress.

PRESIDENT REAGAN
• As a young man, Ronald Reagan declared a “war on smoking.” His first order of duty: send all his friends packs of sweet, sweet nicotine. As president, Ronald Reagan declared a “war on drugs.” His first order of duty: flood the streets with sweet, sweet crack.

PRESIDENT CLINTON
• Before a finger-wagging Billy tried to convince us he didn’t hit, photographers caught the president pulling Monica up close to remind her about the cigar he left lodged in her vagina.

PRESIDENT BUSH
• In a moment that screams “future-president,” Dubya threw up the bird for a television camera he didn’t know was rolling.

PRESIDENT OBAMA
• Before destroying racial barriers in the most historical presidential election ever, Obama was a member of the Rat Pack.

PRESIDENT LINCOLN
• Lincoln spent two hours posing for this 19th-century photograph. You’d think he would’ve remembered he was still wearing his beer helmet. Now we know what was under the top hat.

Be real people: the right wing is down to protest Obama at the drop of a hat—if he mentioned that his sneakers had laces they’d try to call him out for being an elitist who looks down on common folk who can’t tie their shoes. Still, he’s not the first Commander-in-Chief to have (figurative!) darts thrown at him by an audience member, as you’ll see with our History of Presidential Hecklers…

GEORGE W. BUSH, 2006
• George Bush does care about black people! He just has problems hearing them sometimes.

BILL CLINTON, 1992
• “Dying of ambition?” Nope, that would be Vince Foster! *Complex’s lone right-wing conspiracist smiles*

RONALD REAGAN, 1980
• Never quip with the Gipper.

GEORGE H.W. BUSH, 2004
• Note to all would-be hecklers: if you film your own stunt, we can hear you much better.

GEORGE W. BUSH, 2008
• Dubya was later informed that Founding Fathers did not actually refer to his dad.

***BONUS “ALMOST” PRESIDENTIAL HECKLER:

HILLARY CLINTON, 2008
• She sure did mop the floor with, er, take care of that guy!

Nothing says “I don’t want to be ruled by you, but thanks for being a friend” like an iPod, which is why President Barack Obama gave one to England’s Queen Elizabeth II during a private meeting at Buckingham Palace. The iPod was loaded with video and photos from the 82-year-old bird’s various trips to the U.S., as well as showtunes. Pretty lame, though not as lame as the Elizabeth giving the Obamas a signed photograph in a silver frame—the same gift she gives all visiting dignitaries.

Diplomacy and an aide’s questionable taste no doubt dictated the contents of the iPod. But we’re sure that the playlist would be a hell of a lot cooler and more meaningful had Obama put it together himself. It would probably sound a little something like this…

“U.N.I.T.Y.” by Queen Latifah

“We know you’re just a figurehead, Lizzy, so please thank whoever actually makes the decisions on your wee island for sticking by us in Iraq. We couldn’t have launched an ass-backwards invasion without you!”

“Inglan Is a Bitch,” by Linton Kwesi Johnson

“By ‘bitch’ we mean down-ass bitch. Now go pour us another cup o’ tea. And don’t dawdle with the biscuits.”

“Diamonds and Pearls,” by Prince

“We just always wanted to bless the royal family with our jewels.”

“Baby Got Back,” by Sir Mix-A-Lot

“Best. Knighting. Ever.”

“Soul by the Pound,” by Common

“Trade some of your robust currency for our genuine soul music? Or you could just keep on gobbling up that watered down, blue-eyed twink shite your country produces.”

“(That Body Built For) Sin,” by Size Queen

“Oh sorry, we thought Helen Mirren was the Queen of England.”

“Hound Dog,” by Elvis Presley, a.k.a. the King

“On second thought, we could go for some of your royal crown. The accent gets us every time.”

“The Ruler’s Back,” by Slick Rick

“We’ve heard that the thought of ruling over American colonies again puts you in the mood. It’d better, ’cause we don’t go for no half-assed crown.”

“Love Reign O’er Me,” by the Who

“And if you’re lucky we’ll sprinkle you with loose seeds from our amber waves of grain.”

“Independent,” by Webbie

“Understand: We won’t be ruled again, so don’t be surprised when we skeet and retreat.”

Now that we’ve officially begun the Obama era'or the post-Bush era, whichever you’re more excited about'it’s time to find someone to mock him. Whether it was Dana Carvey playing out George Walker Bush, Will Ferrell getting at Dubya or Tina Fey ethering Palin, caricatured impersonations are mandatory for ridiculing and de-humanizing our narcissistic bureaucrats. Since everyone’s been hating on SNL’s Obama (played by Fred Armisen), let’s see some options for his replacement…

#5: GERARD PUISSEAUX

• It’s always useful for any leader to have an identical stunt double to throw off a plotting enemy or to just simply attend an uneventful meeting. I believe Obama has found his man.

#4: JA THE COMEDIAN

• His tone and mannerisms are almost there but something’s missing…

#3: JAMIE FOXX

• Damn, he’s come along way since his days as Shanaynay. As the only one to actually impersonate Mr. 44 in front of the First Family, Foxx reminds us why got that Oscar. Check the clip at 2:07.

#2: CORY “ZOO MAN” ZOOMAN

• I caught Zoo Man doing this spot-on impersonation at Cipha Sounds’ comedy show “Don’t Get Gassed”. His response about Michelle Obama definitely had the house gassed. “Does she look unsatisfied??”

#1: CHRISTOPHER B. DUNCAN

• This cat’s been getting alot of burn and there’s buzz that he might get the gig at SNL. This clip of him conducting an interview shows why he might be the all-around comedic embodiment of our Commander In Chief.

* BONUS: Check John Brown’s new video for “Another Day In The Burbz”

A nice wide shot of the west side of the Capitol, where the dais was erected.

ZOOMING IN…

Over at the right, there’s Michelle. Oh, and the Clintons! All this power and influence, we’re giddy just looking at it.

ZOOMING IN…

Not much to report other than the contingent of dignitaries from Zamunda.

ZOOMING IN…

Okay, some dude in a top hat, a Joe Biden lookalike, Obama buddy Valerie Jarrett. Nothing too specia'wait a second. Is that…sitting behind new (pending confirmation) Attorney-General Eric Holder…could it be?

ZOOMING IN…

It is! Versace shades and all. We’ll always love you, Poppa.

No one except Complex, that is. Yes, always at the vanguard of technology, we dispatched our Twitter spies to get a peek at what certain Washington insiders were saying during today’s historic proceedings…

BigO @Bush41 Yaaaawn. Hurry it up, oldtimer. It’s time for change, not time to look geriatric and deranged.

OBinLaden BEST. SPEECH. EVAR. Wait a second, kidney failure! *dies*

But there is a co-signer that’s bigger than all of them, and he’s about to get the job of his life in a few short days. Yup, Barack Obama is bigger than all of streetwear, rap, and even bigger than having Terry Richardson shoot your ad campaign. The closer we get to inauguration day, the more brands are slapping him on just about everything. In the spirit of good fun, we’ve compiled our favorite blatant Obama alignments for the sake of product promotion that have popped up on our radar in the past couple of weeks…

OBAMA STREETWEAR: Mishka

• It seems like a great idea to combine Black Bart, Obama, and Jeezy (as a nod to “My President”), but unfortunately this shirt just comes off as exploitative. Wait, is that supposed to be Kunle? Ohhhh Shit!

OBAMA BOOZE: Hennessey

• Hennessey has enjoyed success as a “hood spirit” for many years, but the company’s latest Hennessey 44 was created “to commemorate the innaguration of the 44th president.” Is this limited product an attempt to ride the coattails of the President-Elect all the way to the top of the bailout and become the new White House staple? It might be tough, since BO doesn’t drink, and the booze isn’t completely exploitative of Barry’s new gig: Proceeds from the product (it doesn’t say how much) is going to a scholarship fund for tomorrow’s leaders.

OBAMA COMIC BOOKS: Marvel

• Is it cool that Obama is in the new Spiderman comic book, or is Stan Lee just a dick for trying to make money off of current events? Resale on these puppies is already at $50, so decide for yourself if you want to get in on round two.

OBAMA ICE CREAM: Ben and Jerry’s

• Obama is joining the ranks of Neil Young, Stephen Colbert, and Jerry Garcia with his own ice cream flavor! Hm. No one likes pecan + new president = Home Run at the creamery! Just make sure you donate the cash profits though, guys. Make your money on the intangible marketing/PR alignment!

OBAMA FITTEDS: New Era

• People are going to like these, and they make perfect sense. Chicago, Obama, Jordan, we get it. But it just seems mad suspect when big companies get in on the game. “Part of the proceeds are going to charity,” but come on guys. This is capitalism.

OBAMA BLING: 125th Street

• If you can’t hustle and make money off of your surroundings, you’re a, what is it? Oh yeah, a customer. The Jacob ripoffs with Barry’s face on them on 125th street in Harlem are way better, but if you’re reading this from the west coast, pick up a limited edition watch off of eBay. According to the sellers there are “going to be worth a lot in a few years!”

OBAMA SODA: Pepsi

• The debate is out on whether the new Pepsi logo has anything to do with the Obama campagin logo, but the slogans definitely capitalize on the similarities. We’re going to say no on the actual design of the new Pepsi logo, but maybe it’s the other way around? Does Obama prefer Pepsi to Coke?

OBAMA MONEY: *This one is just funny

• What do you think of when you think of the president-elect? Cold, hard cash, of course. You can buy “commemorative Obama novelty bills” at a lot of places, including Amazon, but our favorite is this eBay vendor becasue his, “Look Real! Feel Real! Smell Real!” Can you really say no to something like that?

This past week, Sean Combs appeared on Bill Maher, where he declared that, regardless of Obama’s race, most Americans are happy that we finally have a “cool president.” I thought Bill Clinton getting a head whop from ML was pretty cool, but that’s irrelevant. We now have a fresh slate from which to define American presidential swag and I’d like to throw in my two cents. Here’s a few ideas for the big homie on how to maximize his youthful mentality to transform this puritanical nation into paradise…

5. SMASH THE OBAMA GIRL

Is it short-sighted and shallow? Yes. But let me elaborate. The viral “I’ve Got A Crush On Obama” video garnered over 12 million views and single-handedly propelled the Obama brand into college dorms throughout the country. Perverts everywhere were enamored with passionate calls for change. The least he could do is give her a tour of the oval office, or vice versa. It’ll be easy to pull off'she’s already coming to the White House Correspondent’s dinner and should be tipsy and star-struck.
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4. INCLUDE HIP-HOP HEAVYWEIGHTS INTO GOVERNMENT POSITIONS

For the first time in history, the majority of the hip-hop community has actually identified with the United States government and felt some sort of inclusion as Americans. I’m still adjusting. But to expedite the conformity process and really co-opt our angst and aggression, I think Obama should start promoting some hip-hop icons into power positions. You can’t deny that artists helped to sway youth opinion, contributing to a record-breaking turnout among young voters. The only fair response: Jeezy as Drug Czar? Or head of USDA? Nas as Secretary of Education? I didn’t see Bill Richardson making fucking anthems for Barry and performing them around the country. Where’s the justice?
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3. LEGALIZE PROSTITUTION

I could detail my rational based on health and safety reasons, but I’ll just say this: hookers have destroyed the careers of some exceptional politicians and it’s an outright shame! This has got to stop. Not only would this alleviate additional stress and paranoia from our bureaucrats, but it will also provide millions of high-paying jobs'with benefits.
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2. CREATE A TASK-FORCE TO SOLVE UNSOLVED MURDERS OF RAPPERS

There’s something really eerie about the lack of information surrounding the murders of some of hip-hop’s greats: Pac, Biggie, Big L, Jam Master Jay, Soulja Slim, and so on. Solving these tragedies is a win-win situation for Obama. Not only will it bring closure for the families and fans, but it can also highlight how effective the CIA is at covert domestic assassinations.
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1. LEGALIZE GANJA

I’m sure you probably saw this one coming for all the obvious reasons, but think of the fiscal benefits. If there’s one thing that will kick-start this impotent economy, it’s to encourage weed sales! And it’s gonna happen. Barack “Maui Waui” Obama was a stoner and knows deep down that 75% of Americans get irie. He wants to get re-elected and we wanna re-up. Let’s turn a tax break into a smoke break!

Hell, 50 Cent used to talk about releasing a dildo of his own, but this is a whole other situation; someone’s getting the shaft here, that’s for sure. Click on for 5 shameful instances of (mostly unauthorized) celeb-themed adult novelties…

HEAD O STATE OBAMA DILDO

Is it racist or just stupid? So hard to say these days.
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MADONNA CONDOMS

In 1979, the sinewy tarantula formerly known as Madonna was a young and attracitve singer who posed for some ill-advised nude shots by photographer Martin Schreiber. In 2001, Schreiber licensed them jernts to a condom company, who promptly felt the legal heat from Madonna’s team of voguing quasi-Hindu Kabbalah ninjas. Take a lesson from Guy Ritchie and think twice before you let her get that close to your junk.
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J-HO AND SARAH JESSICA PORKHER BLOWUP DOLLS

Not to be confused with other thinly-veiled ripoffs like “Lindsay Fully Loaded” and “Dirty Christina.” You stay classy, Pipedreams!
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DAVE STEWART’S LIMITED-EDITION VIBRATORS

No, not the relief pitcher'the weird silent dude from Eurythmics. Yeah, he and some “adult boutique” decided the world needed $2,000 vibrators with his lyrics etched on them. Look, all we’re saying is If we’re paying two large for a sex toy, it better have a heartbeat.
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CELEBRITYBUTTPLUGS.COM (R.I.P.)

All we’re gonna do here is quote the sales pitch. Kind tells you all you need to know about the company behind “George Dubya Tush”:

People say DUBYA’s got his head up his butt, now you can find out what it’s like to have it up yours! 5 1/4″ high and 3″ from ear to ear (flared for ultimate anal amusement) GEORGE DUBYA TUSH will have you standing at attention and saluting the flag while he roots around for that pesky WMD (Wildly Messy Defecation)! Available in a variety of colors.

And what a set of drapes they probably are. You see, George W. Bush has a uniquely shitty style'call it New England blueblood WASP mixed with wannabe Texas rancher redneck. So the Obamas are going to have to get rid of a lot of really crappy stuff. But if you ask us, these 5 items should be the first to go…

OFFICIAL OVAL OFFICE “TIME OUT” CHAIR

When told that there was a White House Time Out chair, Michelle initially thought, “Well, Sasha just turned seven, so she’s a little old for it, but maybe I’ll keep it around just in case.” Then she was informed it was actually built to accommodate a 76-year-old man.

DICK CHENEY’S SNUFF PORN COLLECTION

He couldn’t keep ‘em at home, so Dick got Dubya to stash his snuff porn in the Oval Office’s “Lewinsky Closet.” The ones Dick liked to watch, Michelle will simply take to the trash (she’s already got the weapons-grade rubber gloves for the job). The ones Dick starred in will get sent to the Attorney General’s office.

DUBYA’S LIBRARY OF MANUALS, HOW-TO GUIDES, ETC.

The more esoteric tomes (”Neglect of Duty for Dummies,” “Remedial Pretzel Consumption,” “New Advances in Velcro”) will probably get shipped to the Bush Presidential Library, but some of the general interest titles may get left behind.

PAPA BUSH’S PORK RIND STASH

According to legend, Bush’s pops accumulated a lifetime supply of pork rinds that even Bubba Clinton couldn’t fully deplete. The Obamas will get rid of it though. Seriously, what’s a nice Muslim couple gonna do with a bunch of pork rinds?

SUPPLY OF “PATRIOT ACT” BRAND TOILET PAPER

Of course the Obamas won’t actually trash this, just use it for its original purpose.

You already know everything there is to know about Presidential Candidates John McCain and Barack Obama and their VeePeez Sarah Palin and Joe Biden (seriously, you’ve watched almost every episode of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, The Colbert Report AND Saturday Night Live for like the past two weeks). Reading a few more propagandist leaflets while you wait on an historically long line to cast your vote will do you no good, so why not take the opportunity to pick up chicks?

With this in mind, Complex presents an analysis of all different types of female voters, from the far right to the far left, and how you can stuff their ballot box on Election Day. Fuck politics, it’s time to poll-a-trick!

Click here to find out about each type of girl you’ll encounter at the polls.

A Complex blog post from October 20 featured this:

And peep the pale(face) imitation from October 30’s Daily Show:

In fact, watch the entire segment, and just try to tell us certain satirical geniuses aren’t closet 'Plex readers. You’re welcome'you’re allllll welcome!

With that in mind, Complex brings to you one big blowout party hosted by renowned journalist Kevin Powell (former Real World: New York cast member). The festivities will go down at club Element in New York’s Lower East Side with music provided by DJ Beverly Bond, and DJ Misbehaviour. Until the biggest Super Tuesday ever, get hyped on the full flyer below…

Big B.O. plunked down millions and millions to buy up a half-hour of time on three of the four major networks (ABC said maybe, then they said yes, but then it was too late. Get on board, you waffling sad sacks!), hoping to close the deal with the American public. We can’t say we’re all that amped about watching what is essentially an Obama infomercial, but then, who are we to judge what makes for compelling political advertising? Scratch that: we’re exactly the people to judge what makes for compelling political advertising, which is why we scraped up some of the weirdest examples we could find…


POLITICIAN: Christy Minos (Independent candidate for governor of Massachusetts)
AD: “Heads Up”
PLOT: You know how you sometimes call people “asshat”? And you know how you like cartoons? This is like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup for those two things.

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POLITICIAN: H. Ross Perot
AD: His 1992 infomercial
PLOT: Third-party upstart and batshit-crazy billionaire tycoon Perot bought a half-hour of network time to…show us some charts. Two good things came out of it: 1) he helped Clinton get elected; and 2) he says “A great young lady from Louisiana sent me this voodoo stick, and I’m going to use it as my pointer tonight.”

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POLITICIAN: Ralph Nader (third-party candidate for president…again)
AD: “To Be or Not to Be”
PLOT: Ralph Nader talks to a parrot. Polly wanna cracker? He must, since the dude did more than anyone to put Bush in office in the first place.

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POLITICIAN: Mike Huckabee
AD: “Chuck Norris Approved”
PLOT: When you’re the only remotely likable GOP presidential candidate, your only logical move is to time-travel back to 2006 for a web meme. “My plan to secure the border? Two words: Chuck. Norris.”

CLICK NEXT TO SEE MORE BIZARRE CAMPAIGN COMMERCIALS

He’s already bought a half-hour on network television and is spending ungodly amounts in pipe-dream states like West Virginia, so he’s clearly open to creative concepts'and we figured we’d help out by proposing a few more. Dear Obama campaign: Thank-yous can be directed to our own meager-ass checking accounts and 401(k)s 01(k)s…

#1: Have All Voting Stations Moved To Strip Clubs

Imagine the voter turnout if undecideds finally took their faces out of their Hungry Man microwave lunches and stoked their political ardor by learning how really work the polls.

#2: Throw An Extravagant Baby Shower Gift For Bristol And Levi

Just think–$150 million can pretty much get one of everything from the Spencer GIfts registry. Actually, it can pretty much get a million of everything. Which is good, because since condoms are clearly too complicated, the happy couple might just need multiple Insane Clown Posse onesies.

#3: Buy All Those Unwanted McCain Shirts

We tried to save the guy, but that campaign apparel is so bad that not even Nicaraguan orphans are gonna want to wear the leftovers. Obama being a decent dude and all, we figured he might want to buy the lot of ‘em and re-license them to Urban Outfitters as ironic statements. Seriously. They’d go great with “Kentucky Is For Cousin-Fucky” legwarmers.

#4: Have The Greatest Inauguration Party Of All Time

Ludacris. Scarlett Johansson. Common “Can I Borrow Some Incense?” Sense. The ghost of Isaac Hayes. Bruce motherfuckin’ Springsteen, y’all. Basically, every decent musician (other than Ted Nugent) would be on hand to make sure no one went home without a hangover in the making and possibly permanent hearing loss. Maybe even DMX will have heard of him by then.

#5: Hire Thousands And Thousands Of Industrial-Strength Jackhammers To Protect The Country From “Pro-America” America

You think you saw angry Republicans outside Sarah Palin rallies? Just wait ’til an Obama victory. We’re gonna have to herd those apoplectic wingnuts into Florida, then amputate the sumbitch and let it float out to sea. Hope your xenophobia and willful ignorance serves you well when you’re fighting over the last uncooked plantain, fucknuts.

The piece was constructed over 10 days using 8,000 multi-colored bricks, in a framework of 30 x 30 inches. With a reserve price of $600, the seller claims that 70% proceeds from the sale will go towards Obama’s campaign, because, as he explicitly states (in red), he doesn’t want John McCain to be prez. That’s building for a cause, son! See more photos below then start the bidding.

[eBay via The World's Best Ever]

Players can run as any of the 2008 primary contenders (Obama, Hillary, McCain, Giuliani, Edwards and more), a past political figure (Bill Clinton, Bush, Dick Cheney, etc) or create a custom candidate of their own. As the game progresses, you must maintain a careful balance of activities to compete: raising money, making speeches, taking out advertisements, hiring political consultants, etc. You can even make appearances on “The Coldcut Repertoire” or “The O’Malley Scenario,” parodies of The Colbert Report and The O’Reilly Factor. See more shots from the game below.

[Click on an image to view full size]

[The Political Machine]

He recently formed a new side project group with Philly singer Res called Idle Warship, and they’ve recorded a track called “Fall Back” with Star Trak’s Chester French. The song is a response to Hillary Clinton’s insistence on staying in the Democratic primary race, even when it’s mathematically impossible for her to surpass Obama. After the jump, listen to the song and watch accompanying Clinton-filled web video.

Idle Warship f/ Chester French “Fall Back” (2008)

[Nah Right]

Related:
-Complex’s Interview With Sa-Ra
-The Presidential Rap-Up
-Street Artists for Obama