DIRECTOR: Michael Mann

ACTORS: Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, Marion Cotillard, Billy Crudup, Stephen Dorff, Jason Clarke, and Stephen Lang

SYNOPSIS: During the Great Depression, America’s most wanted—and celebrated—criminal, John Dillinger (Johnny Depp), pulls off bank robberies and prison breaks while being hunted by FBI chief J. Edgar Hoover (Billy Crudup) and agent Melvin Purvis (Christian Bale).

WOMEN: Oscar-winning French actress Marion Cotillard plays Billie Frechette, a hatcheck lady who falls for the mysterious and exciting bad boy. She gets busy by 1930s standards, which means she wears a slip during and after sex (Ayo! calls that a flaccid flashback). In one frustrating scene, Frechette lays naked in a tub and beckons to Dillinger, but nothing much is visible, and the fun is soon interrupted before she has a chance to get all French on us and give up the full frontal.

ACTION: It’s a Michael Mann flick, so you know the shootouts are gonna skull-fuck you with a machine gun until you’re concussed. Whether the outlaws are shooting their way out of prison, bucking their way out of a bank, or blasting their way out of a woodland ambush, their exchanges with lawmen are intense and unrelenting. Unlike women back in the day, antique cars, guns, and clothes are perfect for getting it popping.

AYO!’s LAST WORDS: It’s great to see Depp without the white boy dreads for a change, killing it in Public Enemies. Besides being awesomely entertaining, the action-filled period piece reminds us that there are alternative methods to get rich in a recession. Pass that Tommy gun and let the feds economically stimulate deeeeeeeez!

CHECK OUT THE TRAILER FOR “PUBLIC ENEMIES”

RELATED: BOOK OF THE WEEK: PUBLIC ENEMIES

Ayo! Scott is like the MTA—only when he runs train he comes on time and doesn’t smell like a crazy shit-smeared hobo. Not that Ayo! is bitter about paying two dollars to get railed by NYC public transportation. Despite some rough riding, it does eventually get him from A to B. The same can be said of The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3, director Tony Scott’s remake of the 1974 movie based on John Godey’s book.

In the middle of the busy Manhattan workday, a team of criminals hijacks the 1:23 p.m. 6 local train out of Pelham Bay Park. Led by neck-tatted, biker ’stache-sporting ex-con Ryder (John Travolta), they demand $10 million ransom for a car full of hostages, and don’t think twice about blasting fools. On the other end of negotiations is Walter Garber (the transcendent Denzel Washinton), an MTA lifer who’s been humiliated and demoted to train dispatcher following allegations that he took bribes. Although a police negotiator and the mayor (played well by John Turturro and James Gandolfini, respectively) try to get involved, Ryder insists that the working stiff, who may once have been tempted to break the rules for some quick cash, stay on the line with him until the deal is done (similarities between them aside, Ryder says he thinks Garber’s voice is sexy enough that he’d have taken him as his prison bitch)…

Washington is understated in his portrayal of a powerless cog in the MTA machine, making Garber put-upon but never pathetic. On the other hand, the character’s inevitable nutting up goes a bit far, as Ayo! doubts very highly that an underpaid transportation worker who’s never held a gun would put his life on the line to pursue an armed killer and reclaim city funds (though it would be the ultimate platform conductor’s “fuck you,” much better than looking a commuter in the eye and shutting the train door in their face).

The best thing that can be said about Travolta is that he’s not faking the follicles behind one of his signature hair pieces. A neck tat and a vocabulary that consists mostly of the word “motherfucker” don’t make a believable tough guy—if they did, a whole lotta gangsta rappers wouldn’t be working at the post office now. Ryder, we find out, served time for white collar crimes, and yet instead of snacking on men in between cafeteria meals, he somehow emerged a ruthless homicidal mastermind with a posse of convicts down for his suicide mission. Travolta, like Tony Scott’s overly aggressive “Look at me!” directorial style, distracts from what is a surprisingly worthwhile ride through the greed and terrorism paranoia of post-9/11 New York. If you want to take a ride from somewhere to somewhere else, by all means, get on board The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3. Just don’t cry to Ayo! when you find there’s some shit smeared on your seat. Check out the 2009 trailer (and the 1974 for comparison’s sake) to decide if you’re riding out for the movie.

BONUS:

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, ’cause there’s no way those hookers ever got out of the shallow grave Ayo! Scott dug for them, not bound with all that duct tape. But you don’t have to bury escorts alive to have a good time in Sin City—that’s just what Ayo! likes to do on a big fight night. The Hangover, the new comedy from Todd Phillips, director of Old School, shows there’s lots of other fun shit you can get into while getting smashed in the middle of the desert.

To celebrate their buddy Doug (Justin Bartha) getting married legally signing his dick and future earnings over to one woman, Phil (Bradley Cooper), an unscrupulous schoolteacher who steals from his students, and Stu (Ed Helms), an emasculated dentist who excuses his girlfriend cheating on him with a bartender, take him to Las Vegas for a wild weekend. Tagging along is Alan (rising star and scene stealer Zach Galifianakis), Doug’s awkward brother-in-law-to-be who may or may not be a pedophile and date rapist. What starts as a rooftop toast ends with Phil, Stu, and Alan waking up with massive hangovers in their demolished suite with no recollection of what happened and no sign of the groom. As the odd squad attempts to piece the night together and find Doug or his corpse, they deal with the consequences of having just had the ultimate Vegas experience: a quickie marriage to a hot escort (Heather Graham), a run-in with an effeminate Asian gangster (Ken Jeong), a theft from boxing legend Mike Tyson, and other equally memorable shit they’d forgotten all about.

The Hangover, while not without its minor headaches (Dr. Ayo! recommends three Advil for the pain of Mike Epps jokes falling flat), is too good a time to feel bad the next morning. Plus, there’s a valuable life lesson in there: All of life’s crises can be resolved by getting blackout drunk. Although you may want stay semi-sober if you’re gonna bury some hookers. Some moments are just too precious to forget. Check out the trailer to see if you’ll give The Hangover a shot…and a beer, and a couple more shots, and a line of cocaine, and another beer, and…

RELATED: The Top 5 Bachelor Party Movies Of All Time

Sometimes, when Ayo! Scott is in the heat of passion, his lucky conquests have accused him of being a Terminator-like cyborg. Not because he’s tediously robotic but because he’s a fuck-machine who never needs to stop for food or rest while killing the punani. Does that have anything to do with Terminator Salvation? In the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s T-800: negative. Ayo! just thought you should know your lady-friend likes the rise of his machine.

Like many a robot-loving fanboy, Ayo! was skeptical when McG, director of such film “classics” as Charlie’s Angels and Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, got his hands on this classic sci-fi property. He’s not a visionary filmmaker like James Cameron, who wrote and directed The Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgment Day. How then could he reboot the series and recover from the scrap metal (emphasis on the “crap”) that was Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines?

It turns out McG does have some vision, and it’s beautifully bleak. In 2018, post-apocalyptic California is lit up by the sun for the first time in the history of the franchise, and it’s crumbling, smoking and dust-covered, ruined either by Judgment Day or Governor Schwarzenegger’s term in office. Ashy Los Angeles is deserted save for two kids, which isn’t all that bad, considering the city is currently overpopulated with douchebags.

The franchise’s fourth installment focuses on the development of the technology seen in the earlier movies. Terminators are still relatively primitive, Skynet having not yet created one that blends in with humans who have massive pecs and thick Austrian accents. The development of the T-800 infiltrator model, using human captives in sick experiments, is at the center of Terminator Salvation, which starts forebodingly with death row inmate Marcus Wright (Sam Worthington) donating his body to Cyberdyne’s scientific studies in 2003. On the human side, John Connor (Christian Bale) is systematically fighting the machines but is not yet the leader of the human resistance; he’s just a questionable cult leader who preaches about his mom’s prophesies, referring to the cassette tapes she left him as if they’re holy texts.

Though man and machine mix it up in the movie, they work well together in the making of it. Quality CGI and actual life-sized Terminator robots balance well with strong performances from Bale, Australian newcomer Worthington and Anton Yelchin. Yelchin plays Kyle Reese in his teenage years, well before he’ll travel back in time and impregnate his idol John Connor’s mom with John Connor (lube your skull for that mind-fuck). As with all Terminator movies, the action is of utmost importance, and here the clash of metal and flesh is as intense and unrelenting as Ayo!’s aforementioned Terminator strokes (Ayo! would like to sincerely apologize for your girl’s concussion).

Sadly, like Skynet’s machines, the flick is not without its weaknesses. Ayo! doesn’t like to delve too deep into issues of time travel in sci-fi films for fear of ruining the fun, but it makes zero sense that John Connor should be baffled by human-machine hybrids. He did, after all, become homies with Schwarzenegger in T2, and he’s aware that his mom and father were once pursued by this same model. Also, McG would have done well to terminate a few pointless characters, like Star (Jadagrace), Reese’s mute-girl sidekick who does little more than look cute and shut the hell up, but who still gets a lot of screen time needlessly. Then there’s the undying issue of the rapper/actor. Common, who plays Barnes, one of Connor’s loyal resistance fighters, makes his rap name sound like an aspiration (if only he were as good as average). Ayo! suspects that Hollywood has latched onto him because he’s a peace-loving, tofu-eating, affable, bohemian MC who shows up to set on time and doesn’t intimidate people (he’s no DMX, who might delay shooting by weeks for a crack binge, then pop up suddenly and assault anyone who tries to disturb him while he sleeps under a trailer). Perhaps studio execs think he’s a draw for black audiences, but that assumes black people love shitty acting (burn Hollywood burn!). It takes special talent to butcher the line “Huh?” but Common manages to because, unlike his diet or the crocheted caps he used to wear, his delivery ain’t all natural. He acts hard as unbelievably as he raps hard, which is why it’s so frustrating that he keeps landing the role of steely-eyed soldier, steely-eyed assassin (Wanted, Smokin’ Aces) or steely-eyed drug dealer (Street Kings, American Gangster). Ayo! thinks he might really shine in the RuPaul biopic. Then again, maybe not—he ain’t that fierce.

These film farts are like viruses in the Terminator Salvation program, but McG does enough positive stuff that the franchise doesn’t require another reboot, just a systems check. Hopefully in the next installment, which plans to deal with the development of time travel technology, Common will be sent back to the time of dinosaurs and eaten before the opening credits. If there’s even the hint of that happening, Ayo! Scott will do like the Terminator and be back for more. Check out the trailer and decide if you’re ready for some man-on-machine action.

Ayo! Scott identifies with James Tiberius Kirk. The critic and the captain both know that, whether the skin is yellow, red, black, white, brown, green or blue, it’s all black hole when the lights go out. That’s about as deep space as Ayo!’s identification with Star Trek goes. After all, he doesn’t have a glandular problem or sleep on a twin bed in his mom’s basement, and the only convention he’s interested in is girl-girl-girl-MILF-Ayo! It’s a testament to director J.J. Abrams’s even-handedness that a non-devotee like Ayo! thinks his new Star Trek is out of this world…

The franchise spawned from the 1966 TV show begins anew when Romulan terrorist Nero (Eric Bana) time travels through a black hole and alters the Star Trek universe by killing newborn Kirk’s father and plotting the destruction of Federation planets, specifically Vulcan, home of the conflicted half-Vulcan half-human prodigy Spock. When they come of age and meet at Starfleet Academy, new recruit Kirk (Chris Pine) and instructor Spock (Zachary Quinto) are baggage-ladened adversaries, not a BFF captain and first officer who’ll double team deepest, darkest space as they probe the unknown. To defeat the terrorist threat and realize their destinies, however, the odd couple must deal with their demons and rebuild a friendship that existed in an alternate reality. Ayo! knows that sounds soft and sweet as purple alien p, but it’s not.

Abrams does a great job balancing Star Trek’s heady allegories, referencing current topics like terrorism and the merits of torture without coming close to the dry dialogue-heavy intergalactic episodes that only a true Trekkie could love. During intense—but never overdone—action sequences, lasers blast all up in your face (oh my!); the women are, of course, fine (see Zoë Saldana as Uhura); the acting all around aims for the stars and touches them (a special shout-out to Complex homies John Cho and Anton Yelchin, who play Sulu and Chekov respectively). There are plenty of details that hardcore fans will pick up on, but the inviting plot and tone of Star Trek make it more than a cult movie, leaving so many franchise pick-ups in its star dust. Now if only Abrams could make an adult version where green alien chicks whip out the threes.

Check out the Star Trek trailer to see if this sci-fi gem gets your spaceship airborne.

Ayo! Scott looks after his friends. This past month alone, Ayo! helped his fellow film critic and broham Pelvis Mitchell dispose of four dead hookers, shared insider stock info with his apprentice Stephen Holdem and even fed Complex CSN host Joe La Puma’s pet tigers while he was OT at detox, flushing out all the steroids he’d pumped into his calves. There’s nothing Ayo! won’t do for his dudes (short of lower back rubs). Of course, there’s often a price to pay for loyalty, and director Kevin McDonald’s State of Play, a new trimmed-down political thriller based on the 2003 BBC mini-series, warns of just that.

Old school newspaper reporter Cal McAffrey (Russell Crowe) gets caught up in a conspiracy when his college roommate, Congressman Stephen Collins (Ben Affleck), is rocked by scandal following the suspicious death of his sidepiece. This tasty young redhead was not just new “p” for the promising politician but also happens to have been the lead researcher on his case against shady security contractors unleashing amoral mercenaries upon the world. While attempting to balance his professional responsibility to the truth and his loyalty to friends (which includes pleasuring Mrs. Collins), Cal finds himself ducking angry editors and dodging bullets (an average day at work for Ayo! but probably fresh and exciting for you).

Generally speaking, Ayo! doesn’t cast his vote for twisting, turning political thrillers. Despite glossy production, they never seem to deliver enough brains (and you know Ayo! needs his daily dose of brains). State of Play is better than the average genre movie, though, thanks to crisp character studies from Crowe, as well as Rachel McAdams and Helen Mirren, who play the paper’s political pulp blogger and head editor respectively. Furthermore, McDonald and this trio give viewers a glimpse at the inner workings of a dying newsroom and it feels momentous. After all, future generations will probably get their “news” from Twitter updates and never know the joy of getting ink on their stink while cranking it to escort ads. In a way, a newspaper is like a loyal friend who’s got a terminal illness. Even though Ayo! is an established online presence—OK, Web genius—he has history with the crumpled page and will ride out for it like all his other potnas, until they’re all dead and recycled. Check out the trailer here and see if State of Play shall get play from you.

Thanks to Brody Jenner, that shameless slut for celebrity, the idea of “bromance” is on almost as many minds as Ayo! Scott’s engorged tip. It’s very hard (to believe), Ayo! knows. Not that he feels threatened by this development. Planet Earth’s most revered film critic will always be on the tip of your tongue, and besides, Ayo! has no problem expressing his platonic love for a man. For example, Ayo! Scott loves Ayo! Scott. He also loves Paul Rudd and Jason Segel, and their hilarious new bromantic comedy, I Love You, Man…

Rudd plays Peter Klaven, a sappy pushover who’s spent his entire life selflessly attending to the needs of women and never formed any friendships with dudes. His p-whipped ways become a problem after he proposes to his girlfriend Zooey (Rashida Jones) and realizes that he has nobody to be his best man. As a result, Peter goes looking for some friendly man-love with help from Robbie (Andy Samberg), his gay personal trainer brother who is infinitely more secure in his masculinity (and thus their father’s “best friend”). A series of awkward, arranged man-dates fail, but Peter eventually meets laid back dude’s dude Sydney Fife (Jason Segel) on his own. Whereas Pete never made time for male bonding, Syd refuses to cut back on “guy time,” even as his old buddies have begun to focus more on their wives and children. With lessons to be learned during strolls on the beach and at Rush concerts, the new friends inevitably begin to rub off on each other. Platonic pause.

Whether you’re looking for laughs or just want to rekindle the bromance with your favorite dude, I Love You, Man is the flick to make it happen. And hey, if it doesn’t work, there’s always Rohypnol. Check out the trailer and see if I Love You, Man is to you and your dude’s liking.

Ayo! Scott is not a fanboy (or a fan of boys, for that matter). Genius does recognize genius, though, which is why 12 single issues of Alan Moore’s 1986-87 comic classic Watchmen sit on Ayo!'s bookshelf, right next to the Hustler mag that pioneered labial close-ups. As a collection, the story of a disbanded team of flawed, masked vigilantes trying to solve the murder of one of their own and prevent nuclear holocaust in an alternate 1985 has gone on to become one of the best-selling books of all time and led to generations of fawning fanboys.

While the graphic novel was raking in cake for the suits at DC Comics, the movie adaptation sat in development hell, with good reason. Computer graphics weren't advanced enough to properly render Dr. Manhattan, a giant naked blue master of all matter, or the shifting ink blots on the mask of the unhinged hero and narrator Rorschach. Numerous writers and directors couldn't figure out how to turn the dense, dialogue-heavy epic about the nature of mankind and higher powers into a compelling movie that wouldn't cut out key pieces and piss off longtime Stans. Improved CGI and Zach Snyder, director of 300 and the Dawn of the Dead remake, were supposed to fix all that.

They do and they don't. As it turns out, Snyder's slavish devotion to source material is not necessarily a good thing. His original version of Watchmen, which included damn near every one of the painstakingly detailed panels Moore described for his artist Dave Gibbons, would have run close to four ass-aching hours in a theater seat. Cut down to an Ayo! quickie (two hours and forty minutes), the movie will still feel interminable for anyone who was expecting a rock 'em, sock 'em, cock 'em popcorn flick. Watchmen is a book and film for the pensive, not a full-speed ball-buster. The change in artistic mediums is worth noting, too. A reader can put down and revisit an epic graphic novel and flip back and forth to make sense of its complex narrative structure. A moviegoer overwhelmed by an epic, complicated comic movie is just stuck. But then Snyder wasn't trying to simplify things; he wanted his Watchmen adaptation to do for comic movies what the original book did for comics'completely buck the system. For non-devotees, though, it's more likely to make them want to buck'and blow their shit loose.

As someone who loved the original comics, Ayo! enjoyed the film's arresting visuals, its deliberate, slow pace, the quality of performances set against green screens and Snyder's insistence on not sacrificing deeper themes to make Watchmen the next Wanted. And yes, when the complete, unedited DVD comes out, Ayo! will spend four ass-aching hours watching it. Not like a fanboy, of course. Ayo! will be in his socks and drawers in your mom's basement.

Check out the trailer here to decide if you’ll be watching Watchmen.

Sunday is the 81st Annual Academy Awards and Ayo! Scott will definitely have his finger on the pulse of his little golden buddy (masturbating while he watches his picks take home all the hardware).

While Ayo!'s writing tool is fresh on your mind, allow him to present his picks for all the categories you actually give a shit about (sorry, sound mixers, but you can probably still cash in on some professional ‘tang at the couple after-parties you get into). Drum roll, please. And the award goes to…

AYO! SCOTT’S 2009 ACADEMY AWARDS PICKS

BEST PICTURE
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
-Frost/Nixon
-Milk
-The Reader
-Slumdog Millionaire
Ayo! Picks: Slumdog Millionaire. Ayo! doesn't have anything against Brad Pitt, Tricky Dick, gay rights or punishing Nazis for the Holocaust, but he would really like to have something against Freida Pinto. (His junk.)

BEST DIRECTOR
-David Fincher, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
-Ron Howard, Frost/Nixon
-Gus Van Sant, Milk
-Stephen Daldry, The Reader
-Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire
Ayo! Picks: David Fincher, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Using a series of midgets with digital effects masks on to play Benjamin Button, Fincher was able to give Brad Pitt top billing without needing to actually have him around, constantly cock blocking with his chiseled good looks. Movie magic!

BEST ACTOR
-Richard Jenkins, The Visitor
-Frank Langella, Frost/Nixon
-Sean Penn, Milk
-Brad Pitt, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
-Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler
Ayo! Picks: Sean Penn, Milk. A broken down has-been like Rourke can get an Oscar for “playing” a broken down has-been when Ayo! gets an award for “playing” a well hung critic who deep dicks half of Hollywood (the female half) and still manages to be objective in his insightful reviews.

BEST ACTRESS
-Anne Hathaway, Rachel Getting Married
-Angelina Jolie, Changeling
-Melissa Leo, Frozen River
-Meryl Streep, Doubt
-Kate Winslet, The Reader
Ayo! Picks: Kate Winslet, The Reader. It's about time that the Academy recognized the fine work done by Winslet's twos. Trust Ayo! on this. Twos are his areola of expertise.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
-Josh Brolin, Milk
-Robert Downey Jr., Tropic Thunder
-Philip Seymour Hoffman, Doubt
-Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
-Michael Shannon, Revolutionary Road
Ayo! Picks: Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight. His Joker was unique and unforgettable. Plus, dead people give much shorter acceptance speeches.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
-Amy Adams, Doubt
-Penélope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona
-Taraji P. Henson, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
-Marisa Tomei, The Wrestler
-Viola Davis, Doubt
Ayo! Picks: Marisa Tomei, The Wrestler. Even if she hadn't played the hottest aging stripper the big screen has ever seen, she made Ayo! believe she was actually attracted to the bruised asshole that is Mickey Rourke's face.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
-Bolt
-Kung Fu Panda
-WALL-E
Ayo! Picks: WALL-E. Normally, Ayo! wouldn't even comment on this category, seeing as he's still protesting the exclusion of hentai, but any “children's” movie that starts out so bleakly and depressingly that it can make kids cry is a winner with Ayo! “Shoulda Worn A Rubber” Scott.

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
-The Baader Meinhof Complex, Germany
-The Class, France
-Departures, Japan
-Revanche, Austria
-Waltz with Bashir, Israel
Ayo! Picks: Waltz with Bashir, Israel. As much as Ayo! dislikes all funny smelling foreigners peddling their wares in the United States of Freedom, he dislikes being bombed to oblivion for offending Israel even more.

BEST DOCUMENTARY
-The Betrayal (Nerakhoon)
-Encounters at the End of the World
-The Garden
-Man on Wire
-Trouble the Water
Ayo! Picks: Man on Wire. The only way this story about a French wire walker who walked a wire in between the roofs of the Twin Towers for nearly an hour in the 1970s could be any crazier is if Mel Gibson had bankrolled it.

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Eric Barba, Steve Preeg, Burt Dalton and Craig Barron
-The Dark Knight, Nick Davis, Chris Corbould, Tim Webber and Paul Franklin
-Iron Man, John Nelson, Ben Snow, Dan Sudick and Shane Mahan
Ayo! Picks: Iron Man, John Nelson, Ben Snow, Dan Sudick and Shane Mahan. The only thing Iron Man's effects geniuses failed to do was transform tight, sexless, cave wench Gwyneth Paltrow into something Ayo! would have sex with enjoy having sex with.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Screenplay by Eric Roth, Screen story by Eric Roth and Robin Swicord
-Doubt, Written by John Patrick Shanley
-Frost/Nixon, Screenplay by Peter Morgan
-The Reader, Screenplay by David Hare
-Slumdog Millionaire, Screenplay by Simon Beaufoy
Ayo! Picks: Nobody. Unfortunately, Ayo! didn't write any of these films, which explains why they all suck. Keep it on the low, but you can look forward to a new script from Ayo! in 2009. It's a tragicomedy about a mildly retarded albino midget pole dancer who stumbles onto a plot to kill the mayor of Duluth, Minnesota. Brad Pitt and a cast of female midgets are already in negotiations to play the lead role.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
-Frozen River, Written by Courtney Hunt
-Happy-Go-Lucky, Written by Mike Leigh
-In Bruges, Written by Martin McDonagh
-Milk, Written by Dustin Lance Black
-WALL-E, Screenplay by Andrew Stanton, Jim Reardon, Original story by Andrew Stanton, Pete Docter
Ayo! Picks: Nobody. See previous pick.

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
-Changeling, Tom Stern
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Claudio Miranda
-The Dark Knight, Wally Pfister
-The Reader, Chris Menges and Roger Deakins
-Slumdog Millionaire, Anthony Dod Mantle
Ayo! Picks: Slumdog Millionaire, Anthony Dod Mantle. Mantle filmed in the middle of Mumbai's slums without getting his equipment jacked, but Ayo!'s sure the rest of these dudes had some rough times too, what with the shoddy movie studio air conditioning and the inconsistent quality of craft service fruit salad.

BEST MAKEUP
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Greg Cannom
-The Dark Knight, John Caglione, Jr. and Conor O’Sullivan
-Hellboy II: The Golden Army, Mike Elizalde and Thom Floutz
Ayo! Picks: The Dark Knight, John Caglione, Jr. and Conor O’Sullivan. The next time a million people dress up like Benjamin Button for Halloween, do holler.

Fast forward to present day, where gargantuan Jason, played by Derek Mears, uses his machete, axes, arrows, screwdrivers, campfires and anything else that can be used to savage someone to terrorize a new generation of hedonistic, half naked young people, including Complex subjects Aaron Yoo and Amanda Righetti. While it is a new chapter, Nispel's Friday the 13th is essentially the same old story for Jason. And that's exactly what Ayo! and other fans of the franchise have been craving. It beats bucked tooth brains any day. Check out the trailer and see if a good slashing suits you.

As superpowered flicks go, Push is notable for not relying heavily on special effects (because audiences clearly hated all the hot-ass flying stunts in Iron Man) and for effectively flipping the powers into plot twists. Still, it ends up feeling like a marginal superhero'y’know, the kind that gets killed off so the real heroes can investigate and save the day. While worth a watch, Ayo! suggests you hold off for the DVD. Or, if you wanna go against Ayo!’s advice, peep the trailer and buy a ticket. Just know that 122 minutes is a long time for Ayo! to get up in your girl’s guts with his super sperm.

Contrary to popular belief, Ayo! Scott is not an absolute savage. OK, he will treat her like a prostitute (”her” being any woman you care deeply for) but he absolutely will not treat her like a child prostitute. Ayo!’s just morally decent like that. Seriously. Ayo! loves the Captain Save-A-Ho genre, in which heroic older men attempt to rescue girls who’ve been forced into the sex trade (presumably so the young hotties will be grateful and have sex with them one day when it’s slightly less inappropriate). Films like Taxi Driver, Eastern Promises, Trade and Holly are not only entertaining but also serve to remind Ayo! that he shouldn’t pay for sex unless it’s with a consenting adult (as for non-pay sex, the “grass on the field” rule still applies).

The latest film to keep Ayo!’s moral compass pointed due north is Taken, a heartwarming father-daughter love story about sex slavery and killing the fuck out of bad guys with bare hands…

Bryan Mills (Liam Neeson) is a former CIA operative who’s retired to reconnect with his teenage daughter Kim (Maggie Grace). Standing in the way are his bitter ex-wife Lenore (Famke Janssen) and her wealthy new husband who likes to stunt and buy love by giving horses as birthday gifts. Although he can’t go dollar-for-dollar with this sugar daddy, Mills proves his worth when his daughter is abducted by sex traffickers on a trip to Paris. Using intelligence techniques, a talent for torture and his striking hand-to-hand kill skills, the determined dad declares World War III on Europe in the hope that he’ll find and save his little girl before she’s lost forever. It actually kind of makes Ayo! feel bad for the horse that will always be the second best gift a girl could get.

If you love intense action and hate children being drugged and forced into the sex industry, throw down to see Taken. After all, it’s not like you were gonna perv out and use that money to support child prostitution, right? Right??? Check out the trailer and determine whether you are for or against child sex slavery.

Each February, while Hollywood is using collagen-injected lips to fellate itself at the Academy Awards for putting out five watchable flicks, Ayo! Scott’s favorite awards show takes the movie industry from behind and sticks a fruit up its tailpipe.

Since 1981, the Golden Raspberry Awards, a.k.a. the Razzie Awards, have called out the worst of the worst movies Hollywood has shat out in a year’s time. The nominees for the 2009 Razzie Awards were officially announced this morning. Check them out, along with Ayo!’s pick for each category…

WORST PICTURE
Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans (double nominee from the same writer-directors)
The Happening
The Hottie and the Nottie
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
The Love Guru
Ayo! Says: The Happening. The trademark twist in M. Night Shyamalan’s first “adult” film was that he can even make gore suck.

WORST ACTOR
Larry the Cable Guy, Witless Protection
Eddie Murphy, Meet Dave
Mike Myers, The Love Guru
Al Pacino, 88 Minutes and Righteous Kill
Mark Wahlberg, The Happening and Max Payne
Ayo! Says: Al Pacino, 88 Minutes and Righteous Kill. Not even De Niro has tarnished his filmography as badly as Al-Paca has. And he’s been in a movie with 50 Cent, too.

WORST ACTRESS
Jessica Alba, The Eye and The Love Guru
The cast of The Women (Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Debra Messing, Jada Pinkett-Smith and Meg Ryan)
Cameron Diaz, What Happens in Vegas
Paris Hilton, The Hottie and the Nottie
Kate Hudson, Fool’s Gold and My Best Friend’s Girl
Ayo! Says: Jessica Alba, The Eye and The Love Guru. Shitty acting suddenly seems a lot shittier to Ayo! when an actress pops a kid out and he no longer want to sexually dominate them.

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Uwe Boll (as himself), Uwe Boll’s Postal
Pierce Brosnan, Mamma Mia!
Ben Kingsley, The Love Guru and War, Inc. and The Wackness
Burt Reynolds, Deal and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
Verne Troyer, The Love Guru and Uwe Boll’s Postal
Ayo! Says: Verne Troyer, The Love Guru and Uwe Boll’s Postal. Ayo! had such high hopes for Troyer after Austin Powers but now he just feels shorted.

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Carmen Electra, Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
Paris Hilton, Repo! The Genetic Opera
Kim Kardashian, Disaster Movie
Jenny McCarthy, Witless Protection
Leelee Sobieski, 88 Minutes and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
Ayo! Says: Kim Kardashian, Disaster Movie. The last time KK’s act was this bad, she was pretending to enjoy Ray J’s pipe game.

WORST SCREEN COUPLE
Uwe Boll and any Actor, Camera, or Screenplay
Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher, What Happens in Vegas
Paris Hilton and either Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore, The Hottie and the Nottie
Larry the Cable Guy and Jenny McCarthy, Witless Protection
Eddie Murphy and Eddie Murphy, Meet Dave
Ayo! Says: Eddie Murphy and Eddie Murphy, Meet Dave. Murphy’s Law: Anything that Eddie Murphy can do wrong, Eddie Murphy will do wrong.

WORST PREQUEL, REMAKE, RIP-OFF, OR SEQUEL
The Day the Earth Stood Still
Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Speed Racer
Star Wars: The Clone Wars
Ayo! Says: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Everything else on this list was soft and sweet to begin with, but Ayo! really didn’t need to know Indy’s son is a leatherman.

WORST DIRECTOR
Uwe Boll, 1968: Tunnel Rats, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale and Uwe Boll’s Postal
Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
Tom Putnam, The Hottie and the Nottie
Marco Schnabel, The Love Guru
M. Night Shyamalan, The Happening
Ayo! Says: Marco Schnabel, The Love Guru. Obviously there was no point during the filming when the director thought to instruct Mike Myers, “OK, now try it again, and pretend we’re trying to make a movie that’s funny in this millennium.”

WORST SCREENPLAY
Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
The Happening
The Hottie and the Nottie
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
The Love Guru
Ayo! Says: The Hottie and the Nottie. In writer Heidi Ferrer’s defense, anything sounds stupid coming out of Paris Hilton’s mouth. Yes, even Ayo!’s otherwise brilliant cock.

WORST CAREER ACHIEVEMENT:
Uwe Boll
Ayo! Says: Congrats, Boll-boy.

Believe it or not, life wasn’t always money, menages and movie reviews for Ayo! Scott. Growing up in Brooklyn, Ayo! felt ugly (on the inside). He was a dick but didn’t know how to make the assholes around him like that about him. Then one day he heard Christopher “The Notorious B.I.G.” Wallace rap about being “black and ugly as ever,” and still making girls piss themselves ’cause they were so excited to see him. From that day on, Ayo! resolved to love himself and let people come around whenever they realized the inherent value of a big prick. And here you are reading his review of the Biggie biopic Notorious, absolutely loving him for being such a cock! [Ayo! nods knowingly.]

Like the rest of BK, Ayo! will always love Big Poppa, so when rumors of Notorious surfaced, he feared it would dishonor the legendary homegrown rapper on some Get Rich Or Die Trying dog shit. When he finally saw the film, he exhaled. (Then he put down his blunt and breathed a little easier, too.) Produced by Big’s mom, Voletta Wallace, and Puff Daddy, with input from many other people who were there with Brooklyn’s finest, the movie gives some insider perspective on his rise from ashy drug dealer to classy rap phenom and fallen star. Along the way, it hits all the right notes for heads like Ayo! who remember NYC and its 1992-1997 rap soundtrack fondly while fondling themselves late at night.

Jamal “Gravy” Woolard, a Brooklyn rapper whose biggest achievement prior to landing this movie was allegedly having his man shoot him in the ass before a Hot 97 radio interview to thug out some headlines, plays Biggie. Though he had no acting pedigree, Woolard took his opportunity and waddled with it. Other than Big’s lazy eye, which couldn’t be achieved without prosthetics that would have damaged dude’s eyesight, everything else from head cock (…) to the husky voice and cadence is spot on. Looks aside, he pulls off the emotion of a man who pulls himself up out of the struggle only to discover that mo’ money breeds mo’ problems. Although Ayo!, like most folks walking this earth, doesn’t listen to Gravy’s music, he hopes that Woolard is able to keep eating off acting (though he should probably stick to salads, unless there are a lot of other roles out there that call for actors to balloon up to 350 pounds).

As for the rest of the cast, Angela Bassett blesses the role of Voletta; Derek Luke, who portrays Puff, may actually Harlem Shake better than Diddy; Naturi Naughton reveals her tremendous talent (and her tremendously taleneted twos) playing Big’s jumpoff-turned-artist Lil’ Kim. On the flip side, Tupac Shakur “fanatic” Anthony Mackie plays himself playing Pac and Marc John Jeffries makes Big’s weed carrier Lil Cease seem like an elementary school midget (which may actually be a brilliant turn, now that Ayo! thinks about it).

Though you know the tragic ending and have listened to the music a million times, it’s ultimately quite moving to grab a 40 and a blunt and spend a couple hours with Big reminiscing on his life before death. R.I.P. B.I.G.

(BK, Ayo! will see you at the theater. Please don’t shoot him.)

Aside from the foundational fault of the film, there is much that forced Ayo! to roll his eyes in non-orgasmic pleasure. The kindest thing Ayo! can say about Goyer, who’s penned stories and/or screenplays for decent flicks such as the Blade trilogy, Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, is that he probably wrote the script on Charmin while extremely constipated and distracted on the shitter. This may be the first time Ayo! has ever been appalled by juvenile usage of the words “vagina” and “wood,” but then Ayo! supposes that some sad men just don’t know what to do with these glorious tools.

Full of horror clichés like freaky kids, bug infestations, 180- and 360-degree rotating heads and holy men possessed by evil spirits, The Unborn neglects the most useful cliché of all. When a horror flick falls flat and every scare and twist is visible from the coming attractions, twos must be revealed. The absence of areola makes a mockery of mammaries! If Goyer didn’t have the juice to convince his relatively unknown star Odette Yustman or her sidekick Meagan Good to run around topless so that there was one compelling thing about the movie, he should have been pulled and put straight to work on one of his many upcoming PG-13 comic adaptations. Because, as is, The Unborn gets the twins. Word to Ayo’s nuts.

WATCH THE TRAILER FOR THE UNBORN:

When Ayo! Scott has four and a half hours of personal time, he spends it doing charity work, pleasuring five to seven extremely fortunate women (depending upon how much rest he got the previous night after pleasuring five to seven different, yet equally fortunate, women). Your physical limitations no doubt prevent you from being as charitable as Ayo!, so Ayo! recommends you spend your 270 spare minutes watching Che, director Steven Soderbergh’s two-part epic about Argentine revolutionary Ernesto Guevara (you know, that guy from the T-shirts every teenage douche burger buys to show they’re non-conformist)…

It’s not that the film gives you any great insight to the man behind the iconography, but Benicio Del Toro captures Che and it’s fascinating to ride out with the revolutionary as he fights for the little people from Cuba to Bolivia. Even at the four-hour mark, where Ayo! found himself wishing Che would hurry up and die, the film was undeniably beautiful and well made (Ayo! particularly appreciated that Latinos speak Spanish'word to that fuckboy Tom Cruise playing German with an American accent in Valkyrie). If watching the whole epic in one sitting during its limited run is too much for you, check it out in two halves when they’re released individually in the new year. And next time you see a little snot looking high and mighty in his Che shirt, rest assured that you’re more revolutionary than he is. Then punch him in the face to prove it. Read on for more 200-plus minute films that Ayo! swears won’t waste your time.

LAWRENCE OF ARABIA
Length: 227 minutes
• If you like the idea of man-rape but don’t want to see it, you’ll love these Arabian nights.

MALCOLM X
Length: 202 minutes
• You can thank Spike Lee’s epic Malcolm X biopic for white devils wearing X caps in the early ’90s. Those white devils will appropriate anything.

THE GODFATHER, PT. II
Length: 200 minutes
• Hopefully the Jonas brothers will one day watch this and start stabbing each other in the back.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA
Length: 229 minutes
• You can’t find Jews more gangster than Robert De Niro and James Woods in this Sergio Leone classic. Besides David Stern, of course.

APOCALYPSE NOW REDUX
Length: 202 minutes
• The horror… The horror…of Marlon Brando’s waistline.

International film critic of mystery Ayo! Scott is the real life James Bond. He has all the latest tech you’ve never heard of (word to that chubby braggart fuckboy Sean Kingston), tags hot chicks (many of whom die as a direct result) and kills the fuck out of his rivals (die slow, Ebert!). Ayo! has everything a good 007 film does, which brings him to Quantum of Solace, Daniel Craig’s second certified Bond banger…

The film picks up where Casino Royale left off and gets right to the action (just like Ayo! getting domed out in the coat check room cause he said hello to ya moms). Enraged that bad guys forced Vesper, the woman he loved, to set him up and ultimately die for him, Bond seeks revenge while trying to foil their conspiratorial ring’s plot to monopolize natural resources.

Along the way, he keeps on Jason Bourne’s heels, leaping rooftops and slapping the shit out of lesser men, and also picks up an equally vengeful Russo-Bolivian dime Camille, played by red hot Olga Kurylenko. One of the best Bond girls of all time, she’s also the only reason you might walk out of Quantum of Solace feeling unsatisfied. When a woman as fine as she is goes a whole Bond movie without getting naked, the bad guys win. Of course, this doesn’t matter for Ayo!, who’s been in OK more times than Brangelina, but it sucks for you. Fortunately, the movie hits the target otherwise, exploding it. Peep the trailer below and take solace in the fact that the worldwide Interweb has plenty of nude photos of the former model for your spying eyes. Bang! Bang!

When Ayo! Scott heard that Clerks director Kevin Smith’s new film was titled Zack and Miri Make a Porno, he exclaimed, “Finally! It’s about time that New Jersey devil made a movie with some substance (that substance being loads and loads of spunk splattered on teenage runaways like Pollack paintings)!” Sadly, Smith made a real romantic comedy with only specks of masturbation fodder. But on the other hand, it’s nutrageously hilarious…

Broke and in need of rent money, unaccomplished friends and roommates Zack (Seth Rogen) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks) decide to make a porno. Zack’s co-worker at a Starbucks-esque coffee shop, unhappy husband Delaney (Craig Robinson, showing almost no signs of meth use), agrees to bankroll the film and it’s on like Donkey Kong (dong). The trio assemble a cast that includes real-life porn stars Katie Morgan and Traci Lords, as well as Jason Mewes (Jay of Jay and Silent Bob'Silent Bob makes no cameos, as we all know fuck flicks require full-throated bobs). Of course, while shooting during off-hours at the coffee shop, Zack and Miri discover they have feelings for each other (not the kind that are dulled by prophylactics, mind you). Will emotions ruin a perfectly good porno?

Though Ayo! could always use more hardcore sex, Zack and Miri strikes a nice balance between genitals and heart, which is great, because without heart, what they hell is gonna pump all that blood into a meaty cock? Throw a hand down your pants and check out the trailer to see if it arouses your curiosity.

One vehicle that never stalls out is a sex comedy about horny teens driving hot whips. Cars and sex go together perfectly. That’s why chicks remind Ayo! Scott of his jeep and he checks under the hood before burning rubber (gotta be sure there’s no brake fluid already spilled in there)…

In Sex Drive, Ian (Josh Zuckerman) is a scrawny, insecure high school virgin who works at the donut shop in the mall and is desperate to stir a tall glass of Tang. His best prospect of wetting his whistle is Ms. Tasty (Katrina Bowden), a girl he met online who thinks he’s a college football player. When she invites him to drive cross country and get some, he steals the GTO from his militantly hetero brother (James Marsden) and takes off with his geeky yet confident hipster friend Lance (Clark Duke), who gets plenty p, and their gal pal Felicia (the alluring Amanda Crew), who Ian has a not-so-secret crush on.

The film’s tank has been pumped with several gallons of American Pie and The Sure Thing, but even though it’s fueled by old comedies it has plenty of inventive laughs (Ayo! can’t be mad at a Mexican bandito donut with a giant dildo stuck to it on the sly approaching a father with a treat for his young daughter). Ultimately, it doesn’t matter that Sex Drive isn’t a new model. Young titties and hot rods still put it in drive and get you from point A(nal) to point B(ustoff). Peep the trailer below and decide if it deserves a few gallons of your gas money.

Related: Alice Braga Talks 'Blindness' & Choosing Nude Scenes