Johnny Depp is #1 with a bullet as John Dillinger in Public Enemies.
DIRECTOR: Michael Mann
ACTORS: Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, Marion Cotillard, Billy Crudup, Stephen Dorff, Jason Clarke, and Stephen Lang
SYNOPSIS: During the Great Depression, America’s most wanted—and celebrated—criminal, John Dillinger (Johnny Depp), pulls off bank robberies and prison breaks while being hunted by FBI chief J. Edgar Hoover (Billy Crudup) and agent Melvin Purvis (Christian Bale).
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John Travolta hates when people don’t give up train seats for pregnant women.
Ayo! Scott is like the MTA—only when he runs train he comes on time and doesn’t smell like a crazy shit-smeared hobo. Not that Ayo! is bitter about paying two dollars to get railed by NYC public transportation. Despite some rough riding, it does eventually get him from A to B. The same can be said of The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3, director Tony Scott’s remake of the 1974 movie based on John Godey’s book.
In the middle of the busy Manhattan workday, a team of criminals hijacks the 1:23 p.m. 6 local train out of Pelham Bay Park. Led by neck-tatted, biker ’stache-sporting ex-con Ryder (John Travolta), they demand $10 million ransom for a car full of hostages, and don’t think twice about blasting fools. On the other end of negotiations is Walter Garber (the transcendent Denzel Washinton), an MTA lifer who’s been humiliated and demoted to train dispatcher following allegations that he took bribes. Although a police negotiator and the mayor (played well by John Turturro and James Gandolfini, respectively) try to get involved, Ryder insists that the working stiff, who may once have been tempted to break the rules for some quick cash, stay on the line with him until the deal is done (similarities between them aside, Ryder says he thinks Garber’s voice is sexy enough that he’d have taken him as his prison bitch)…
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If you can remember what happened in Vegas, your trip blew.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, ’cause there’s no way those hookers ever got out of the shallow grave Ayo! Scott dug for them, not bound with all that duct tape. But you don’t have to bury escorts alive to have a good time in Sin City—that’s just what Ayo! likes to do on a big fight night. The Hangover, the new comedy from Todd Phillips, director of Old School, shows there’s lots of other fun shit you can get into while getting smashed in the middle of the desert.
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Christian Bale is about to scream on a Terminator for walking through set while he’s filming.
Sometimes, when Ayo! Scott is in the heat of passion, his lucky conquests have accused him of being a Terminator-like cyborg. Not because he’s tediously robotic but because he’s a fuck-machine who never needs to stop for food or rest while killing the punani. Does that have anything to do with Terminator Salvation? In the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s T-800: negative. Ayo! just thought you should know your lady-friend likes the rise of his machine.
Like many a robot-loving fanboy, Ayo! was skeptical when McG, director of such film “classics” as Charlie’s Angels and Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, got his hands on this classic sci-fi property. He’s not a visionary filmmaker like James Cameron, who wrote and directed The Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgment Day. How then could he reboot the series and recover from the scrap metal (emphasis on the “crap”) that was Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines?
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Kirk and Spock team up to probe deep space.
Ayo! Scott identifies with James Tiberius Kirk. The critic and the captain both know that, whether the skin is yellow, red, black, white, brown, green or blue, it’s all black hole when the lights go out. That’s about as deep space as Ayo!’s identification with Star Trek goes. After all, he doesn’t have a glandular problem or sleep on a twin bed in his mom’s basement, and the only convention he’s interested in is girl-girl-girl-MILF-Ayo! It’s a testament to director J.J. Abrams’s even-handedness that a non-devotee like Ayo! thinks his new Star Trek is out of this world…
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Russell Crowe and Ben Affleck play friends with benefits in State of Play.
Ayo! Scott looks after his friends. This past month alone, Ayo! helped his fellow film critic and broham Pelvis Mitchell dispose of four dead hookers, shared insider stock info with his apprentice Stephen Holdem and even fed Complex CSN host Joe La Puma’s pet tigers while he was OT at detox, flushing out all the steroids he’d pumped into his calves. There’s nothing Ayo! won’t do for his dudes (short of lower back rubs). Of course, there’s often a price to pay for loyalty, and director Kevin McDonald’s State of Play, a new trimmed-down political thriller based on the 2003 BBC mini-series, warns of just that.
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Paul Rudd and Jason Segal put the “man” in bromance
Thanks to Brody Jenner, that shameless slut for celebrity, the idea of “bromance” is on almost as many minds as Ayo! Scott’s engorged tip. It’s very hard (to believe), Ayo! knows. Not that he feels threatened by this development. Planet Earth’s most revered film critic will always be on the tip of your tongue, and besides, Ayo! has no problem expressing his platonic love for a man. For example, Ayo! Scott loves Ayo! Scott. He also loves Paul Rudd and Jason Segel, and their hilarious new bromantic comedy, I Love You, Man…
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Nobody gets to see Dr. Manhattan’s big blue balls for free.
Ayo! Scott is not a fanboy (or a fan of boys, for that matter). Genius does recognize genius, though, which is why 12 single issues of Alan Moore’s 1986-87 comic classic Watchmen sit on Ayo!'s bookshelf, right next to the Hustler mag that pioneered labial close-ups. As a collection, the story of a disbanded team of flawed, masked vigilantes trying to solve the murder of one of their own and prevent nuclear holocaust in an alternate 1985 has gone on to become one of the best-selling books of all time and led to generations of fawning fanboys.
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Ayo! Scott’s Oscar picks are like a cinematic golden shower.
Sunday is the 81st Annual Academy Awards and Ayo! Scott will definitely have his finger on the pulse of his little golden buddy (masturbating while he watches his picks take home all the hardware).
While Ayo!'s writing tool is fresh on your mind, allow him to present his picks for all the categories you actually give a shit about (sorry, sound mixers, but you can probably still cash in on some professional ‘tang at the couple after-parties you get into). Drum roll, please. And the award goes to…
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The only thing Ayo! Scott likes less than film remakes is getting brain from a chick with bucked teeth. It is fortunate then that the new Friday the 13th is not a rehashing of the original 1980 slasher classic, in which a grief-crazed mother stalks Camp Crystal Lake killing horny, doped up counselors because her son Jason Voorhees drowned while counselors were distracted by their doped up horniness…
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