If football coaches could draw roughing penalties, Oakland Raiders coach Tom Cable might have just had a flag thrown his way. Based on Napa police reports and snitches, the massive former NFL offensive lineman got pissed off at his assistant Randy Hanson and punched him in the face on the fifth of August, sending him to the hospital with a jaw injury. Cable and the Raiders have denied this, and other snitches now say that indeed no punches were thrown—Cable just pulled a chair out from under Hanson, causing him to break a facial bone when his cheek hit a filing cabinet. Much better.

Of course, Cable isn’t the first coach to flip out on a fellow coach or assistant. Oftentimes it happens behind closed doors, but some classic outbursts have been captured on film and photograph. Complex hits you square in the nose with some of the more memorable ones. BOOM! POW!

WOODY HAYES PUNCHES CHARLIE BAUMAN (AND KEN FRITZ)
On December 29, 1978, after University of Clemson middle linebacker Bauman intercepted a pass to kill Ohio State’s potential game-winning drive, the 65-year-old O.S.U. coach grabbed him as he ran out of bounds and decked him. Just to add a little extra nut to his nuttiness, he hit Fritz, his own guard who was trying to restrain him as the scuffle grew.

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BUDDY RYAN PUNCHES KEVIN GILBRIDE
On January 2, 1994, Houston Oilers defensive coordinator Ryan, who’d been feuding with offensive coordinator Gilbride for a while over differences in coaching philosophy, socked his nemesis in the jaw to express his displeasure with a play-call that led to their QB being sacked and coughing up the ball. Despite Gilbride’s L, the Oilers got the win.

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BOB KNIGHT CHIN TAPS MICHAEL PRINCE
On November 13, 2006, during a game against Gardner-Webb, Texas Tech forward Michael Prince, who’d just thrown a bad pass, hung his head as coach Knight talked to him breathed fire on him on the sidelines. Wanting his player to look him in the eye, the often abrasive Knight, who choked out a player he disagreed with during a 1997 practice at Indiana University, quickly flipped Prince’s chin up to “raise his confidence.” The right hook is reserved for severe bouts of low self-esteem.

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PACO RAMIREZ SLAPS FRANKIE HEJDUK
On February 11, 2009, after the U.S.A. men’s national soccer team defeated Mexico 2-0 in the opening game of the final round of World Cup qualifying, U.S. midfielder Hejduk was heading toward the locker room when Mexican assistant coach Paco Ramirez slapped him in the face. Like many victims of abuse, he started making excuses for his attacker, explaining that he must’ve misheard his exclamation of “Fuck yeah!” to U.S. fans as “Fuck you!” to the Mexicans. Well, at least Ramirez didn’t kick him in the balls…

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JAVIER AGUIRRE KICKS RICARDO PHILLIPS
On July 9, 2009, in the closing minutes of a 1-1 Gold Cup soccer match tie between Mexico and Panama, Mexican coach Aguirre got in the game, putting his foot on the ball. Unfortunately, that ball belonged to Panamanian player Phillips’s bozack. Golden balls? They’re black and blue now.

One pet chimpanzee goes ape shit and brutally attacks a woman and all of a sudden everyone is ready to vilify the whole species. Don’t get it twisted'Complex loves humans and is pulling for the victim, 55-year-old Charla Nash, to make a full recovery from her life-threatening injuries'but we’re equally concerned that the rabid media is tearing the story to shreds and undoing years of good will between the genetically similar species.

In an attempt to put a band-aid on the public relations damage done to chimps, take a look back at some of the great chimps that have touched our lives over the years…


BUBBLES
Growing up, pop superstar Michael Jackson wasn’t allowed to be a kid or have friends, so when he became best buds with a chimp named Bubbles, it was a good thing. OK, maybe not good, but it sure beat him having drunken sleepovers with little boys.

CHEETA
Tarzan’s sidekick from the 1930s-1960s was a true film pioneer, not to mention all he did for man-woman-chimp sexual relations.

CONGO
A drawing and painting chimp in the '50s and '60s (long before he might have made that banana bread on some limited artist edition Nikes), Congo was known for a style described as “lyrical abstract impressionism.” And getting swirlies from all the beefy jock chimps.

“ED”
The 1996 baseball-playing-chimp dud movie Ed set ape acting way back. But really, what did we expect from Matt LeBlanc?

HAM
The first chimp launched into space by NASA in 1961 is an American hero that paved the way for astronauts to walk on the moon. Fuck a guinea pig.

J. FRED MUGGS
For anyone who thinks news used to be serious, meet the “co-host” of NBC’s Today Show in the 1950s. Today we have talking heads like Bill O’Reilly, and yet for some crazy reason we still believe in the theory of evolution.

MACACO TIÃO
A chimp in the Rio de Janeiro Zoo, he was famous for pelting visitors with feces (especially politicians). A satirical newspaper announced his candidacy for Rio’s 1988 mayoral election and he got 9.5% of the votes, nearly as many as human candidates Marcello Alencar and César Maia. Ralph “One day I’ll get 5% of the vote” Nader is still fecal faced.

SCATTER
Elvis Presley reportedly taught his pet chimp to drink bourbon, look up women’s skirts and pinch buns. It’s good to be King. It’s even better to be his prime mate.

On Monday, while carrying $100 million worth of oil and a full crew, a Saudi Arabian tanker named the Sirius Star was captured off the coast of Kenya and is currently being held for ransom by a group of Somali pirates. The incident marks the biggest ship to ever be hijacked by pirates. While this is one of the most startling high seas attacks we’ve seen, it isn’t the craziest. Check some other examples of vicious pirate attacks below…


DATE: April 16, 1989
LOCATION: South China Sea off the Mayalsian Coast
WHAT HAPPENED: Armed with shotguns and hammers, a group of seven pirates boarded a boat filled with Vietnamese refugees and proceeded to bludgeon and shoot the men and rape the women. Afterwards, to kill off any witnesses, the pirates set the boat on fire, forcing the survivors to plunge into the sea. 130 people were said to be dead as a result.
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DATE: August 8, 2000
LOCATION: Off the coast of Singapore
WHAT HAPPENED: The captain of a Taiwanese squid fishing boat was killed after a pirate ship disguised as an Indonesian naval ship chased down the fishing vessel. Once they got the ship to come to a stop, a group of armed pirates boarded the ship, but left without taking anything or causing any major damage.
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DATE: July 2, 2004
LOCATION: Pemba, Tanzania
WHAT HAPPENED: While on a diving trip with Pemba Afloat, the group of 25 divers had their boat attacked by machete wielding pirates who knocked the captain out and robbed the group for $5,000 in money and personal possessions. Two members were shot during the robbery, with one just missing death as the bullet whizzed through her body narrowly missing her spine.
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DATE: November 5, 2005
LOCATION: Off the coast of Somalia
WHAT HAPPENED: The world’s most luxurious cruise ship in the world at the time, the Seabourn Spirit, was attacked by pirates on two inflatable speed boats using rocket propelled grenades. Fortunately, the crew of the Seabourn was well trained in evasive maneuvers and was able to get away. But not before they hit ‘em with a machine that emits a loud bang to repel any oncoming threats.
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DATE: April 4, 2008
LOCATION: Gulf of Arden
WHAT HAPPENED: While sailing back to the Mediterranean from the Seychelles, the Ponant, a 800 ton, three masted French luxury cruise yacht, was boarded by Somali pirates and brought back to the Somalia where it was held for ransom with the crew of 22 French nationals. After a week stand-off, the French military detained six of the 10 suspected pirates and returned the crew home safely.