Under Burress! 5 Athletes Who Should Be Doing More Time Than Plaxico

intern — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 19:17:09 +0000

Nobody’s ever accused football players of being the sharpest cheeses in the larder, but we’re thinking Plaxico Burress may be the dumbest yet. You’ll recall that last fall, Plax shot himself in the leg at a New York nightclub; now Manhattan DA Robert Morgenthau is saying that Burress can expect at least two years in prison for the mishap. Stupid Plax! He could’ve killed somebody and done half the time!

We don’t want to trivialize unregistered gun usage, but plenty of athletes have done far worse and done far less time than Burress. And we definitely aren’t in favor of locking more people up, but if the former Giants receiver is getting two years, we’ve got 5 Athletes Who Should Be Doing More Time Than Plaxico…

5. TONYA HARDING
CRIME: Conspiring to assault opponent Nancy Kerrigan
PUNISHMENT: 3 years probation, 500 hours community service, and $160,000 fine
• While Burress is staring down a bid at Sing-Sing for kneecapping himself, Harding kneecapped her opponent and ended up with a weed whacker at some cemetery. If it’s any consolation to Plax, at least he won’t have to face Tonya’s post-conviction white trash spiral of sex tapes, DUIs, and prescription drug abuse. We hope.

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4. JIM LEYRITZ
CRIME: Vehicular homicide while driving drunk with a suspended license
PUNISHMENT: 10 days in county jail
• So let’s see here: Leyritz kills somebody, blames them for it, and gets 10 days. If it’s any consolation to Plax, at least he’s not going to hell.

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3. DONTÉ STALLWORTH
CRIME: DUI and second degree manslaughter
PUNISHMENT: 30 days in jail (24 served), 1,000 hours of community service, 2 years of house arrest, and 8 years probation
• Stallworth pleaded guilty to the charges and reached a settlement with the victim’s family, but no amount of community service will change the fact that dude mowed down an innocent construction worker with his Bentley. Of course using the Plaxico example, if Stallworth had run over his own foot with the Bentley, then he’d really be in trouble.

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2. LEONARD LITTLE
CRIME: Vehicular manslaughter while driving drunk
PUNISHMENT: 90 days in jail, 4 years probation, and 1000 hours of community service
• The poster dude for NFL DUI fuckery, Little took a slap on the wrist for drunkenly running over and killing a young woman. He was then arrested again for speeding and driving drunk and walked away with only the misdemeanor charge of speeding.

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1. O.J. SIMPSON
CRIME: ~~Double homicide~~ Failing to find the real killers
PUNISHMENT: $12.5 million fine in a civil suit
• Ok, ok, so O.J. was never convicted, but if he did it, he got away with a doozy. Wait, they’ve never actually proved that it was Plax’s DNA on that gun, now have they!

A History Of Celebrity Protests

intern — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 22:30:37 +0000

We love women who are down for a cause. Especially when that cause involves going down for the cause. We keed, we keed, but when we saw Jessica Alba getting nailed (not that type) for defacing public property in Oklahoma City, with a save-the-sharks poster we had to tip our 5-panel to the hottie. Jess isn’t the first celebrity to give the big eff you to laws and institutions. Take a look back at five other celebrities who weren’t afraid to fight, for their right, to protest…

Darryl Hannah: Darryl Hannah might love trees as much as Jim Jones does. Except her affection is toward the ones with bark, not the ones that get you eye-closing high. In 2006, the Splash star chained herself to a Los Angeles oak tree to prevent its impending removal. It turned out to be the first time it took more than one fireman to remove a pussy from a tree. Meow.

Edward Furlong: Look, everyone enjoys a good lobster for dinner once in a while, but Eddie took his love for the red-clawed crustacean a step further in 2004. As a protest to what he felt was animal cruelty, Furolong released a bunch of lobsters from a Kentucky grocery store. When police arrived on the scene, they said Furlong was “turning around in circles, and was absolutely shit-faced.” Not in those words exactly, but yeah dude was trashed.

Hayden Panettiere: Although the picture looks like a big water-born circle-jerk, in reality these people aren’t doing anything nearly as important. Heroesstar Hayden Panettiere earned a warrant for her arrest in Japan when she interfered with the a culturally significant ritual dolphin hunt. See, she’s a hero in real life too!

Woody Harrelson: We fucks with Woody, hard body. Not only is he a out-of-the-closet weed smoker, the dude is a huge supporter of the legalization of marijuana. In 1996, Harrelson got pinched when he symbolically planted four “hemp” seeds to protest the marijuana laws in Kentucky. Smoking with Woody >> smoking with your favorite rapper.

Mos Def: In 2005, after Bush’s botched handling of Hurricane Katrina, Mos Def dedicated a song to the former Commander-In-Chief titled “Katrina Clap”. When Mos showed up outside the 2005 MTV Video Music Awards on a flatbed truck and preformed the song, he was arrested, despite having a public performance permit. Coincidentally, “Katrina Clap” is also the name of a nasty STD floating around the New York City penal system.

Complex Blog » Arrests

Under Burress! 5 Athletes Who Should Be Doing More Time Than Plaxico

A History Of Celebrity Protests