UPDATE: After notching 500 comments and change we're closing up the contest and picking a winner. Thank you to all the outside-the-box thinking sneaker-winning enthusiasts who kept it clean and provided witty captions.
No defense, no passing, who cares? The NBA's All-Star weekend combines the crass corporate schmoozefest of the Super Bowl (CEOs flossing expense accounts and drunken trophy wives) with the Sex for the Sport Of It atmosphere of an NBA team's hotel lobby (even Shawn Marion gets laid). For those of us unlucky/sane enough to miss the festivities in person, here's a quick betting guide for the weekend's marquee events.
1-10: Odds that Shaquille O'Neal (or any other aging non-All-Star sitting courtside) has a ridiculously over-the-top response to a Dunk Contest slam that ain't that cool
1-20: Odds that five dozen fans in the stands will hoist “10″ signs over the heads based on Shaq's reaction to slams during the Dunk Contest like so many meat puppets
Even: Odds that a player gets robbed for more than $50,000 worth of jewelry during the weekend
10-1: Odds that another player commits the robbery
3: Over/under on the number of fans that will be able to name all four contestants in the “Skills Challenge” come Monday.
15: Over/under on number of hurricanes consumed by Kwame Brown at the Bourbon Street T.G.I. Friday's before he finally confronts Michael Jordan about MJ calling him a “flaming [rhymes with maggot]“
NBA All-Star 2008 Weekend is almost upon us! If that gives you a stiff one, piss off and suck it. While the league showcases its best and brightest stars in revitalized New Orleans, my New York Knicks look more like the post-apocalyptic Lower Ninth Ward (ask your wodies). Since there’s little greatness to celebrate, Zoloft-poppin’ Captain Knick is gonna give you his most recent causes for depression.
*MSG keeps inviting NFL champion New York Giants players to games, tricking fans into clapping for something. Fans are learning that it takes conditioning to jeer for 41 home games annually. There haven’t been respectable boos or “Sodomize Dolan!” chants in weeks.
*Stephon “Not an All-Starbury” Marbury should finally be winning his title: “Craziest Player of the Year.” His Unabomber-like retreat from society means it’ll probably go to Gilbert “Agent Zero” Arenas. How crazy can you be if you write a coherent blog? Steph is snake shit crazy. You ever even seen snake shit? Didn’t think so.
*Guinness recently named “franchise” center Eddy Curry–all 6-foot 11-inches, 285 lbs. of him–the world’s biggest pussy. Not even whale poon came close. Be sure to look for my “Eddy Curry Vagin-o-meter,” measuring his contractions, coming soon.
