Believe it or not, life wasn’t always money, menages and movie reviews for Ayo! Scott. Growing up in Brooklyn, Ayo! felt ugly (on the inside). He was a dick but didn’t know how to make the assholes around him like that about him. Then one day he heard Christopher “The Notorious B.I.G.” Wallace rap about being “black and ugly as ever,” and still making girls piss themselves ’cause they were so excited to see him. From that day on, Ayo! resolved to love himself and let people come around whenever they realized the inherent value of a big prick. And here you are reading his review of the Biggie biopic Notorious, absolutely loving him for being such a cock! [Ayo! nods knowingly.]

Like the rest of BK, Ayo! will always love Big Poppa, so when rumors of Notorious surfaced, he feared it would dishonor the legendary homegrown rapper on some Get Rich Or Die Trying dog shit. When he finally saw the film, he exhaled. (Then he put down his blunt and breathed a little easier, too.) Produced by Big’s mom, Voletta Wallace, and Puff Daddy, with input from many other people who were there with Brooklyn’s finest, the movie gives some insider perspective on his rise from ashy drug dealer to classy rap phenom and fallen star. Along the way, it hits all the right notes for heads like Ayo! who remember NYC and its 1992-1997 rap soundtrack fondly while fondling themselves late at night.

Jamal “Gravy” Woolard, a Brooklyn rapper whose biggest achievement prior to landing this movie was allegedly having his man shoot him in the ass before a Hot 97 radio interview to thug out some headlines, plays Biggie. Though he had no acting pedigree, Woolard took his opportunity and waddled with it. Other than Big’s lazy eye, which couldn’t be achieved without prosthetics that would have damaged dude’s eyesight, everything else from head cock (…) to the husky voice and cadence is spot on. Looks aside, he pulls off the emotion of a man who pulls himself up out of the struggle only to discover that mo’ money breeds mo’ problems. Although Ayo!, like most folks walking this earth, doesn’t listen to Gravy’s music, he hopes that Woolard is able to keep eating off acting (though he should probably stick to salads, unless there are a lot of other roles out there that call for actors to balloon up to 350 pounds).

As for the rest of the cast, Angela Bassett blesses the role of Voletta; Derek Luke, who portrays Puff, may actually Harlem Shake better than Diddy; Naturi Naughton reveals her tremendous talent (and her tremendously taleneted twos) playing Big’s jumpoff-turned-artist Lil’ Kim. On the flip side, Tupac Shakur “fanatic” Anthony Mackie plays himself playing Pac and Marc John Jeffries makes Big’s weed carrier Lil Cease seem like an elementary school midget (which may actually be a brilliant turn, now that Ayo! thinks about it).

Though you know the tragic ending and have listened to the music a million times, it’s ultimately quite moving to grab a 40 and a blunt and spend a couple hours with Big reminiscing on his life before death. R.I.P. B.I.G.

(BK, Ayo! will see you at the theater. Please don’t shoot him.)

However, “Everyone Nose (Remix)” is just the latest in a long tradition of hip-hop videos dedicated to scandalous freaks who live on the third rail, but rarely take the subway (ifyousniffwhatwesizzle). Watch 5 noteworthy rap videos about cocaine queens, along with N.E.R.D.’s new clip, below.

5. “White Lines” Grandmaster Flash

Fun, baby! That’s what women who blow coke are, according to this 1981 classic. To be fair, Flash and co. seem to love doing cocaine with their homeboys more than they love women (things to make you go hmmm… but that’s a whole ‘nother blog post), but it’s probably fair to assume that the ‘baby’ they’re rap-singing to is a chick. Don’t ever come down'FREE BASS!

4. “Sally’s Got A One Track Mind” Diamond D & The Psychotic Neurotics

Half lament, half sales pitch, this delectable Diamond classic details the woes of poor Sally, 19-year-old queen of the stunts. If only she could wake up and smell the blunts! If only! Oh well, consider yourself advised, if you’re getting dough and you want to get with her, yeah, you could hit her!

3. “Sometimes I Rhyme Slow” Nice & Smooth

Here, Greg Nice raps about nothing of consequence (as per his usual M.O.) then Smooth B tells the tale of a love interest, Jane Doe, who rides the white horse in and out of rehab, and then back on to the streets. Maybe he should have just licked her with his nine mili-meee-ter. Pause.

2. “Slow Down” Brand Nubian

With its Edie Brickell boosted bassline, “Slow Down” finds Grand Puba, Sadat X and Lord Jamar frustrated by strung out women they’ve wived. Good thing Sadat hit his with a hose filled with sand.

1. “Dear Mama” 2Pac

Yeah, we said it. The Greatest Rapper Of All-Time’s ode to his mother is at the same time the most profound expression of maternal love and the greatest rap song honoring a dope-fiend broad. Talk about Oedipus complex.

BONUS: “Everyone Nose” N.E.R.D. f/ Kanye, Lupe & Pusha T

Despite Kanye’s purposely cornbucket first line, the four horsemen of the apocalypse ride out on this one. Close your eyes and imagine Complex holding it’s breath waiting on the CRS full-length album'muthaf*ckas don’t bullsh*t me!

Let’s hope A-Ron The Don’s new Off Bowery line doesn’t smells like the old LES too. [High Snobiety]

Tonight’s South Park is an homage to Heavy Metal. [NY Mag]

While investigating the 2Pac shooting, why did the LA Times believe this guy? [Smoking Gun]

China has figured out how to control the weather. [Technology Review]