And wouldn’t you know it, we were right! Earlier this month, Vh1 kicked off season two of For the Love of Ray J, with Brandy’s brother once again looking for true love among 19 new contestants. If you’ve been following the first two episodes of the season, you have an idea of what Ray thinks of his new stable of women, but we wanted to go a little bit further. We got him to open up about what he thinks of each and every girl. He also hipped us to what he’s now looking for in a women, why a girl can’t just be crazy attractive and just what is going on with his music career…

Interview by Leah Tisdale

Name: Micaela Rosario
Ray J’s Given Name: Adorable
Ray J Says: When I seen her, I thought she was nice, I thought she was an adorable looking girl. She had a little innocence to her, so I was like, OK Adorable, that’s what it is.

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Name: Angeles Gimenez
Ray J’s Given Name: Caliente
Ray J Says: Yeah, Caliente! Like, I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about, but she’s hot. She can barely talk English, I almost need a translator. She’s from Argentina.
Complex: And she came all the way here for you?
Ray J Says: Yes. Si. Si, mami si.

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Name: Krista Hoffman
Ray J’s Given Name: Diego
Ray J Says: Yeah, Diego! I mean, shit, I thought she was a nice person but the top 5 R&B singers killed me, like Whoa! She brought me to the side, and I was having a little fun with a couple of the girls, and she was like, “Yo, I need to talk to you. This is it. It’s so deep. This is our connection, I need this.” I thought she was about to tell me something about her family, or about her life. So I’m like, “What’s Up?”. And she goes (in a frantic voice), “What are your top 5 R&B singers?”. And I’m like, “Huh?”. And I’m stuck for 10 minutes. And then I give them to her, and she’s just weird! So I had to let her go, cause she weirded me out.

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Name: Leia Depina
Ray J’s Given Name: Exotica
Ray J Says: She’s from Cape Verde so she’s cool. I can’t understand what she’s saying either.
Complex: If you can’t understand what they’re saying, how is it gonna work in the long run?
Ray J: Well, you got a girl and you don’t understand what she’s saying and she don’t understand what you’re saying, but the chemistry between the actions and the emotions is there. All you need to do now is try and find out how to speak the other language. Actually, it’s trying to do more for yourself and expand your culture. I’m with that. I’m with expanding in my culture, from the Dominican Republic all the way to Cape Verde. Please believe that.

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Name: Sharmisa Garner
Ray J’s Given Name: Extra
Ray J Says: Extra. Yeah, extraordinary. Extra, extra, read all about it! She’s so little, but she does so…much. Extra things (whispers).

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Name: Alison Ceglio
Ray J’s Given Name: Fettucini
Ray J Says: I didn’t eliminate her because she was a celebrity smasher. I eliminated her because she was bragging about smashing celebrities. And bragging about how hot she was, and that she can get anybody. She was just too cocky for what I’m looking for.

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Name: Michelle Abare
Ray J’s Given Name: Luscious
Ray J Says: I need a nice wholesome girl. Yes!

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Name: Bethany Lucas
Ray J’s Given Name: Flossy
Ray J Says:She’s a nice, tall little model chick. I’m cool with her. Nice smile, you know what I’m saying?

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Name: Franchelle Criner
Ray J’s Given Name: Gifts
Ray J Says: Gifts is out. I mean, Gifts was hot, but the role she was playing…I was like, “think about us, think about what our relationship would be like.” And she was just getting butt naked all on camera. I was like, “Uhhh, what’s going on ?” I was shocked.

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Name: Susana Montez
Ray J’s Given Name: Heartbreaker
Ray J Says: She’s a tough one. Macho woman.

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Name: Courtney Cameron
Ray J’s Given Name: Jaguar
Ray J Says: Jaguar, she’s a Jehovah’s Witness.
Complex: How do you feel about that?
Ray J Says: I’m cool with that. As long as people ain’t knocking on my door all day, I’m cool. You can knock, just not all day.

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Name: Undisclosed
Ray J’s Given Name: Just Right
Ray J Says: Right in the mix. She’s hot!

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Name: Taneish Simpson
Ray J’s Given Name: Lava
Ray J Says: Lava’s really intense. Nobody saw the scene, but we did this action scene, and they cut out the part when she came in with this stinking-ass onion. And she was trying to cry, but she was squeezing this onion all over. The smell of the onion was just crazy. She’s definitely in her own zone.

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Name: Connie Deveaux
Ray J’s Given Name: MZ Berry
Ray J Says: MZ Berry’s hot. I love Halle Berry, and she came in resembling Halle a little bit. MZ Berry, it’s not for Ms. Halle Berry, it’s MZ Strawberries. You know what I’m sayin? MZ Strawberry.

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Name: Adele Figueira
Ray J’s Given Name: Paradeez
Ray J Says: Aw man, the name speaks for itself. Pair of D’s.

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Name(s): Rachel Reed & Hana Franek
Ray J’s Given Name(s): Trouble & Tipsy
Ray J Says: Gone. Gone. I felt like they came here to get on Charm School.
Complex: Maybe that’s their next career move…
Ray J Says: You never know. But I don’t know Ricki Lake, and I never even connected with the situation. So I didn’t appreciate them coming on and trying to do something else.

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Name: Olia Svetlana
Ray J’s Given Name: Popper
Ray J Says: Yeah, she’s there. Popper—she’s poppin’. She’s cool.

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Name: Undisclosed
Ray J’s Given Name: Platinum
Ray J Says: Platinum, yeah. Better than gold, baby.

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Bonus Questions:

Complex: After doing season one has anything changed in what you’re looking for in a woman?

Ray J: Yeah. I wanted a woman, at first, with a classy side but with a really wild, crazy side. I wanted that because I’m wild and crazy sometimes. But that was then. Now I need less wild and crazy, like, a little bit of that element, but more class. A woman that’s responsible and that wants to take care of herself. And then somebody that wants to take care of their man, too. Just more of a responsible woman.

Complex: Like a “Ms. Independent” ?

Ray J: Yeah, shout out to Ne-Yo.

Complex: Alright, besides the onions, what are deal breakers for potential girlfriends?

Ray J: Well, the onion didn’t deal break it, it just was stinkin’. Ya know, I just want a girl to be honest. And it’s hard. We’re shooting the show, we got 28 days to try and connect. Not fall in love, cause that’s hard to do in 28 days, it can happen, but just to find that connection. When I walked in, I already narrowed mine down, but at the same time, in narrowing the ones that I like down, I start finding things out that might change my mind about them. So it’s all about getting to know these people. Sometimes the attractive girls, like Fettuccine was hot, but she was trying to boss up and be cocky. And so, I gotta let you go. Yeah, you’re a hot chick, but I wanted people to understand, it’s not just about hotness. It’s inside and out. If you don’t believe anything else in life, please believe that.

Complex: OK, what’s going on with you musically?

Ray J: We got a song that’s in the top 10 of iTunes, it’s selling like crazy. “Tie Me Down” with The New Boyz, I’m in the future baby. I don’t rock the skinny jeans, but all the kids are singing the song. So check my demographic, it’s from, like, age six to 70.

• CLICK HERE TO SEE MORE COMPLEX TV POSTS!

Earlier this week, we dropped our latest mega-countdown, the Top 100 TV Shows of the 2000s. Which is all well and good, but the truth is that finding 100 great shows was a lot harder than you’d think. We did a little calculating around here, and it turns out that for every good TV show, there are exactly 81.37 horrible ones (more if you count cable news). By that math, there were 8137 terrible shows on in the last 10 years, so we’d appreciate a little gratitude for the fact that we just narrowed those down to the 10 most terribly executed, forgettable, execrable wastes of network money of the Aughts. Read on, and please, PLEASE don’t go looking for clips of this stuff. Well, except for the ones we dug up. There’s only so much a person can take…

The Michael Richards Show (NBC)
Air dates: 10/24/00-12/19/00
Can’t Miss Concept: Remember Cosmo Kramer, the lovable kook from Seinfeld? Yeah, well, let’s not call him that anymore but still ask him to act the same! And let’s give him an ensemble without any chemistry! And let’s let that guy who hosts the late-night talk show on Spike create it!

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The Tony Rock Project (MyNetworks)
Air dates: 10/10/08-3/11/09
Can’t Miss Concept: Because black people do shit like THIS! And white people do shit like THAT! Black and white people SO CRAAAAAAAZY.

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Emeril (NBC)
Air dates: 9/25/01-12/11/01
Can’t Miss Concept: You know who has incredible comic timing thanks to years not spent honing their craft? Loudmouthed chefs! Wait, no. But to be fair, they do say “BAM!” a lot.

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Baby Bob (CBS)
Air dates: 3/18/02-7/4/03
Can’t Miss Concept: Talking babies. What? Adults love a talking baby. Especially when it’s the exact same baby from a late-’90s ad campaign for Freeinternet.com. And it’s surrounded by real-life accomplished grown-up actors who at no point are silently cursing their agents.

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Brothers (Fox)
Air dates: 9/25/09-
Can’t Miss Concept: The only thing funnier than a football player trying to act is a dude in a wheelchair! Wait, please, our sides! We can’t breathe! *Keel*

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My Big Fat Greek Life (CBS)
Air dates: 2/24/03-4/13/03
Can’t Miss Concept: Everyone knows overweight neurotic swarthy white people are absolutely oozing with ethnic charm. And possibly olive oil.

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Come to Papa (NBC)
Air dates: 6/3/04-6/24/04
Can’t Miss Concept: Okay, we just stumbled onto this show one Sunday afternoon four or five years ago and were convinced it was some kind of hallucination until we just found proof. Remember how stand-up comedians were supposed to be sitcom gold? Yeah, well. On the plus side, though, Steve Carell was in it.

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Viva Laughlin (CBS)
Air dates: 10/18/07-10/21/07
Can’t Miss Concept: Cop Rock failed in the ’80s because it was a cop show that was also a musical. Well, this one is set in the world of casinos and is also a musical! And while the characters are singing, you can hear the original songs playing in the background, complete with vocal tracks! You may back the money truck up now.

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Meet the Browns (TBS)
Air dates: 1/7/09-
Can’t Miss Concept: Because every time Tyler Perry craps out something that TBS pre-orders 100 episodes of, the only thing that could possibly improve would be a sitcom that stars a guy in old-man drag and is the worst display of buffoonery since Trick Daddy ate chicken in that one video.

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Blind Justice (ABC)
Air dates: 3/8/05-6/21/05
Can’t Miss Concept: You know the phrase “justice is blind”? Well, this guy’s a detective and is actually blind! So in this case, justice is literally blind! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Wait, it’s not a sitcom?

RELATED: The Top 100 TV Shows Of The 2000s

That’s right, another decade of our youth lost to the boob tube. We could’ve run a marathon, we could’ve started our own business, we could’ve joined the Peace Corps. But we didn’t. Instead we spent hours (upon hours upon hours) parked in front of our television set zoned out like crackheads. There ain’t no shame in our game—in fact, we’re proud to share our extensive knowledge of the idiot box with our totally comprehensive guide to the 100 Best TV Shows of the decade. Grab a drink, your favorite snack, and of course the remote…

• CLICK HERE TO SEE THE TOP 100 TV SHOWS OF THE DECADE!

Earlier this year, P announced his plans to launch his own TV station called Better Black TV, and while the network is still in planning stages, P’s first proper show No Excuses is premiering this Monday (October 26) on VH1. The pilot follows a former gangbanger named Torrie who can’t seem to get a straight job to support his kids. Enter P. Miller, who convinces Torrie to stop making excuses and shows him how to get his life together. We recently spoke with P for the latest installment of “YouTubin’ With The Stars”—read on to hear his commentary on No Excuses, his daughter’s new music video, his classic Converse sneaker commercial, and more…

Interview By Brendan Frederick

VIDEO: A Scene From VH1’s No Excuses (2009)
P SAYS: “This will change the way people think about VH1—it’s a positive show. This is who I evolved into…I realized that I could have more to offer to people than just hip-hop. My goal is to replace [BET founder] Bob Johnson, and that’s why I started Better Black TV, so people can realize that if you educate yourself and you get your mind right, you can be whatever. I mean, now that Obama is the first African American president, you can be a president if you want to!”

“In 2010, Better Black TV will be up and running. It’s just a lot that you have to go through, getting all these different certifications, federal approvals, and it takes time. It’s not something that can happen overnight. And while I’m in that process right now, I’m saying, let me take some of my shows like No Excuses and take it to other networks so people can see that this is the type of quality shows we’re making. And this is what you would see eventually on Better Black TV. You’ll see entertainment and education together—that’s what it’s about with me.”

VIDEO: Master P x Converse Sneaker Commercial (1999)
P SAYS: “That was a great commercial. I was the first rapper to have a tennis shoe deal, and that opened up doors for so many other rappers and entertainers. My whole thing is thinking outside the box and doing things that other people aren’t doing. I mean, that’s what thinking big is about. As hip-hop artists, entrepreneurs, business people, we really gotta think outside the box, because we don’t realize that we’ve set a lot of trends, we’ve been broke a lot of stereotypes that the world has gotta look at what we’re doing and take it serious.”

Complex: If a sneaker collector wanted to get his hands on a pair of the original MP Converse shoes, where could they find them?

P SAYS: “You can go to Converse and you could also go to P.Millerclothing.com and you could get some.” [Ed. Note: that website does not exist. We think maybe he meant PMillerDesigns.com, but they also do not have any MP Sneakers. The hunt continues!]

VIDEO: Cymphonique (a.k.a. Master P’s daughter) “Lil’ Miss Swagger” (2009)
P SAYS: “She could be the next Beyoncé, the next Mariah Carey, as long as she works on her talent and keeps going. Now she’s on Disney’s The Next Best Thing, which is about the 5 top talented kids in America—it’s like American Idol for Disney. I think she could have a promising career, the same as Romeo. But what I’m stressing with her is education. I want you to get your education first. I look at a lot of these talented kids, they end up getting in all this trouble because they never really got a real education behind them, they only been in it for the money. I’m just so proud that she has talent and if she had an education to go with it, she can be as big as Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus in the next couple of years.”

VIDEO: Master P “Gutta Time” (Directed By Alex LeMay) (2007)
P SAYS: “To be honest with you, on this video we worked with a director who wanted to showcase how we stereotype people. Like how every African-American male is a gangbanger, or every white person is a Ku Klux Klan. That was the director, that’s what he wanted to do and he was showcasing that. Through your eyes you might see somebody, but what if they not like that? What if they good people? That’s where that whole concept came from and I thought it was great. I think that we gotta stop looking at people and judging them by how they look. And not really getting to know people and not giving a person a chance. We not living in the days when the older generation was living in where they look like that. Times have changed. You know, every girl is not a hoochie mama. So that’s where that whole concept came from, from that director.”

VIDEO: West Coast Bad Boyz f/ King George, Master P, Ray Luv, Dangerous Dame, Lil Ric, JT The Bigga Figga, Mac Spoon, Rappin’ 4-Tay, The Delinquents, Toby T, The Perk, Erase E & Keylo “Peace 2 Da Streets” (1994)

P SAYS: “Crime was up in the Bay and we was losing a lot of young people. We all got together and said, You know what, we gotta put some peace in the streets. Even when I was on the streets, I was into trying to do something to help make a difference. I think that’s what people gotta realize. If we stop pointing the finger, and do our part, we can make it better. Even if it’s at our own level. That was a movement. At the time, that was a movement. We brought a lot of people together from a whole bunch of different cultures and everybody showed that we all have the same Love. I directed the video and shot it in Richmond, San Francisco, Oakland and Vallejo.”

• CLICK HERE TO SEE MORE “YOUTUBIN’ WITH THE STARS” INTERVIEWS!

To get to know McHale better, we interviewed him for the “Mantras” page in our October/November issue. We just put the full page online, so check the link below to learn the four secrets to the actor’s success…

• CLICK HERE TO SEE THE “MANTRAS” INTERVIEW FROM OUR LATEST ISSUE!

Word to Eli Porter’s rap battle and horrifically amateur home jams, there are things in this world that we can’t help but laugh at, even while realizing that laughing at them just adds frequent flier miles onto our ticket to hell. And thanks to an ill-fated on-stage slip this past week, Rick Ross has given us a new one: “fat dudes falling over.” Trilla!

In honor of the BAWSE, we’ve compiled some of the funniest examples of our new favorite guilty humor pleasure, so read on to see Officer Ricky and other endomorphs waging a fruitless war against gravity. Enjoy!

THE DANCING FALL
• Multi-platinum-selling Latin artist Juan Gabriel two-steps his way off stage in this concert clip. Ay dios mio!

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X-TREME BIKING FALL
• Travis Pastrami decides to get his X-Game on in this video. XXL + MTB = LOL.

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FALLING-FOR-YOU FALL
• We’ve heard of swept off your feet before, but damn.

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DIVING GOLD MEDAL FALL
• North of 250 pounds, everything’s a cannonball, lolz amirite?

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WANNABE WORKER’S COMP FALL
• YOU NO CHEAT OSHA! OSHA FIND OUT AND MAKE YOU FALL DOWN GO BOOM!

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ARCADE FALL
• After building up his self-esteem with some fast footwork, Kevin “Gimme Some More” Bacon loses it all in a matter of seconds.

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THE CLASSIC CHAIR FALL
• You’d figure all those broken chairs would be motivation to stop hitting the floor and start hitting the gym. But, uh, no.

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BONUS: ROSS’ ON-STAGE FALL
• One of the biggest flops that we’ve seen thus far.

RELATED:
Caught On Tape! 15 Memorable On Stage Concert Spills
5 Ways Rick Ross Can Save His Rap Career
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Who was the realest Rick Ross At Magic?

In the battle for late night talk show supremacy, David Letterman stuck it to the competition last Thursday. There really is no way to beat Dave’s on-air admission that he’d had sex with several of his female staffers and that fellow CBS employee and 48 Hours Mystery producer Robert Joel Halderman had threatened to expose his affairs unless he forked over $2 million in hush money. Like a true player, the 62-year-old host straight up told the world that yes, he had been hosting the Late Show of Genitals with David Letterman. Not only did he get it in, he also got some self-deprecating jokes into his admission: “Would it be embarrassing if [the affairs] were made public? Yes, it would—especially for the women.”

Obviously a sex scandal is embarrassing for any public figure, whether they’re a TV host, an athlete, or a politician, but when shit hits the fan, you gotta say something. Here are our favorite admissions of guilty pleasure…

Jim McGreevey, Governor of New Jersey
When: August 2004
Scandal: Faced with a potential sexual harassment lawsuit from Golan Cispel, the former lover McGreevey had given a homeland security position then later fired when people realized he was completely unqualified, the married father of two announced he was gay and resigned. That’s not gay as in happy.
Admission quote: “Having the ability to truthfully set forth my identity might have enabled me to be more forthright in fulfilling and discharging…my Constitutional obligations.” Heh, he said “fulfilling and discharging.”
COMPLEX APPROVAL RATING:

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Eliot Spitzer, Governor of New York
When: March 2008
Scandal: Under investigation for fishy money transfers that suggested bribes, Spitzer was discovered to have spent at least $15,000—possibly as much as $80,000—on high-priced call girls while Attorney General and Governor. Hey, it costs to assume positions of power.
Admission quote: “The remorse I feel will always be with me.” Fortunately they make a cream for the sores.
COMPLEX APPROVAL RATING:

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Mark Sanford, Governor of South Carolina
When: June 2009
Scandal: After disappearing for a week without making contact with his family or security team, the married father of four, who’d said he would be hiking the Appalachian Trail but was discovered flying back from Argentina, admitted that he’d been with his Argentine mistress all the way down in South America because it takes two to tango (and fuck).
Admission quote: “I’m a bottom line kinda guy, I’ll lay it out, it’s gonna hurt.” Don’t forget your safe word!
COMPLEX APPROVAL RATING:

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Larry Craig, Idaho Senator
When: August 2007
Scandal: Craig was arrested at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport for allegedly trying to spark some gay bathroom sex by tapping his foot in the next man’s stall (the senator claimed that he just takes a “wide stance” while chucking deuces). Though he maintained his innocence and heterosexuality, he nonetheless pleaded guilty to a lesser charge.
Admission quote: “I should not have kept this arrest to myself, and I should’ve told my family and my friends about it. I wasn’t eager to share this failure but I should have anyway, because I am not gay.” You know how we know he’s gay? Because he keeps saying he isn’t.
COMPLEX APPROVAL RATING:

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Kobe Bryant, NBA superstar
When: December 2003
Scandal: Accused of sexually assaulting a 19-year-old Colorado hotel employee, the Lakers star got up on a stage with his wife Vanessa and admitted that he’d had consensual adulterous sex but denied taking it hard to the hole.
Admission quote: “[To his wife, who he later gave a $4 million 8-carat purple diamond ring as an apology] You’re a blessing. You’re the beat to my heart. You’re the air I breathe.” She’s just not the woman he goes back door on.
COMPLEX APPROVAL RATING:

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John Edwards, former North Carolina Senator and 2008 Democratic presidential nominee
When: August 2008
Scandal: In October 2007, The National Inquirer miraculously and accurately reported that Edwards had been creeping with a former campaign worker and impregnated her while his wife Elizabeth battled breast cancer. Edwards claimed that it was just tabloid lies but eventually owned up to the affair on Nightline.
Admission quote: “It happened during a period after [my wife] was in remission from cancer.” Oh, so he’s only a huge asshole, not the world’s biggest asshole.
COMPLEX APPROVAL RATING:

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Jimmy Swaggart, Televangelist
When: 1988
Scandal: The holier-than-thou televangelist railed against other preachers gone wild but got his when one of them, adulterous minister Marvin Gorman, hired a private detective who caught Swaggart coming out of a hotel room used for prostitution. He famously wept before his congregation and God, begging forgiveness (and was later caught with another hooker in his car).
Admission quote: “I have sinned against you, my Lord!” Well, at least he’s right with his wife.
COMPLEX APPROVAL RATING:

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Donald Sterling, Owner of the Los Angeles Clippers
Year: August 2004
Scandal: The billionaire owner of the L.A. Clippers is one tight puckered asshole when it comes to paying players, but he’ll make a hooker rich quick. After denying that he’d had a relationship with prostitute Alexandra Castro in a 2003 deposition, Sterling changed his story while suing her over a property she claimed he’d given her. In graphic detail that would make Lil’ Kim blush, the old man described all the nasty sex he and the $500-a-trick “freak” had enjoyed.
Admission quote: “All over my building, in my bathroom, upstairs, in the corner, in the elevator…” And those are just a few of the places she had to change his diaper.
COMPLEX APPROVAL RATING:

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Ronaldo, Brazilian soccer star
When: April 2008
Scandal: While out at a nightclub, the soccer star met three hookers and propositioned them. When he discovered he was in a sausage party with three transvestites, he offered to pay them to leave, but one of them tried to extort him for $30,000 to not tell the press he kicks it with lady-dudes. So of course Ron spread the word his damn self.
Admission quote: “I am completely heterosexual. There is no doubt about it.” Besides his jumpoff’s Adam’s apple, of course.
COMPLEX APPROVAL RATING:

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Hugh Grant, actor
When: July 1995
Scandal: Most guys would have killed to be banging Elizabeth Hurley in ‘95, but Hugh Grant isn’t most guys. Her actor boyfriend fucked the whole thing up to get brains from a mildly attractive hooker “Divine Brown” on Sunset Boulevard. Like a true celebrity, he chose the most serious and dignified platform he could think of to speak about the incident for the first time: The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
Admission quote: “I think you know in life what’s a good thing to do and what’s a bad thing, and I did a bad thing.” But damn those tonsils felt good!
COMPLEX APPROVAL RATING:

Regardless of why you watch, though, it’s impossible to say a bad word about the man’s track record. With the second season of Dollhouse premiering this Friday, and its star Eliza Dushku on the cover of our upcoming October/November issue (click here if you missed it!), we couldn’t pass up the chance to talk with Joss about the show, comics, and his new movie. Check out the interview below…

Interview by Tim Leong

Complex What summer plans did you have scheduled before Dollhouse got picked up?

Joss Whedon: Play with my children. That was it. I was also writing some stuff—but the kind of writing that you see on book jackets, where you’re in black and white, wearing a cardigan in your hundred-year-old office. Back-lit writing, not back-lot writing.

Complex: Now that you’re shooting the new season of Dollhouse, what’s the biggest difference between this year and last?

Joss Whedon: This year, we don’t have to try to figure out what we are or what anybody wants. We did it very painstakingly and very publicly last year. It’s still hard when we break a story because that’s the nature of the business, but we all know the direction we’re trying to go in and that the network and the studio are on board with that. So, things are a lot easier in that sense and a lot more exciting. We’re working with a new crew, we’re working on HD for the first time, so we’re shooting faster and we’re getting more dynamic footage and doing things we haven’t had license to do on TV for a while. So we’re back where I belong, which is kind of under the radar.

Complex: There was a lot of criticism from the first season that Eliza was the main focus of the show but less involved in the bigger action mystery toward the second half of the season. Is that something you’re addressing this year?

Joss Whedon: We look at all the criticisms. And unfortunately, we can do nothing about the lack of nudity.

Complex: [Laughs.] Well, that’s our job.

Joss Whedon: [Laughs.] Exactly. Basically, Echo is much more active than inactive. In this season she’s much more focused on herself, on finding out who she was and who everybody was and has a general sense not just that something bad is happening here, but that she really has been all these different people and that every now and then they may come back. She’s got a little bit of Alpha in her but without cutting up women so much. She still very much has a child-like understanding or mode of expression, but she is starting to build herself. Last season she was literally the Frankenstein monster going, “What am I? Oh my God, I exist?” now she’s like “OK, I get it—I exist. What are you people doing and what have you done to me?” She’s a little more focused that way. Which is of course more dangerous for her.

Complex: Do you think you take bigger chances in your projects because you have such a fiercely loyal fan base?

Joss Whedon: Well, again it has to do with being under the radar. The fan base kept us from being not cancelled, which was very thoughtful of them. But at the same time, I do know that they demand a certain amount of surprise, they demand the unexpected, and they demand to be challenged when they watch the show. Hopefully not confused, just challenged. They never want any of my shows to fall into a comfortable formula, which is just the greatest thing in the world for both the writers and the actors. To know that they’re not every week going to go, “I’m the one who explains things,” “And I’m the one who makes a wacky aside!” For them to know that their characters are going to change and go through hell and in some cases change very literally, and then they’re more excited to be a part of it. The whole energy comes from this little band of rebels—I don’t mean the people in the Dollhouse…but I sort of do.

Complex: Speaking of the writers, how have Michelle Fazekas and Tara Butters affected the writers room so far this season?

Joss Whedon: They could not be a better fit. They’re great story-breakers, they get the sensibility completely. They just turned in their first script, and it’s lovely. We got so lucky because Liz [Craft] and Sarah [Fain] going over to Lie to Me was a bit unexpected for me. We were sort of going, “Well, what do we do? We’re losing this amazing team of female writers,” and they were like, “Oh, we have another amazing team of female writers handy!” It’s been just a relief and so much fun. Michele can quote The Matrix way better than I can and use a little comedy and Strongbad emails. So really, I’m in heaven.

Complex: What can you tell me about [comic book artist] John Cassaday directing?

Joss Whedon: He’s going to fuck up so much… No, this is an example like the HD, like the ways we’re breaking stories, like the casting—it’s us having a different philosophy. My philosophy of every show has been ‘get me the guy who points the camera at the story and that’s it.’ I found that didn’t really serve me as well in the past. We had some amazing directors, but I also had some directors I really liked who just sort of pointed the camera at the story and then the story didn’t really happen. It needs a visceral element to it, it needs a visual kick. So the DP [Director of Photography] we hired, Lisa Wiegand, hasn’t [directed photography] on a show, she’s done some independent movies but she was the second camera man on 24, and the team from 24 shot [the 13th Dollhouse episode] “Epitaph One” and Rodney Charters the DP [Director of Photography] recommended her and the studio was a little hesitant. Our producer/director David Soloman and I both said, “we really would like her; we think she can get it done. Lets take a chance.” Now we’re getting staggering looking footage in half the time. I have the same feeling about Cassaday; he’s a storyteller. I gave him shorter scripts than any other artist I’ve worked with because he has an extraordinary visual sense and it very much matches my own. Now directing is such alchemy, it’s so easy to fail. And I’ve seen people who are great at their jobs because everybody has a go. Editors, DPs, actors, craft services guy, everybody wants to try it out but it is such a diffuse but necessary set of skills that you never know which one this person might lack. It’s a risk that in the old days I never would have taken, I was too busy going “I’m hanging on for dear life.” With Cassaday, I know he can tell a story, I know him as a person, his sensibility, the way he is with other people and I just feel that this step is logical for him, it’s something he’s been pursuing for a while. We’re now in position to take this risk, because we have so many good people he knows he’s in a comfort zone. He’s got Soloman watching set, none of us are directing around the time that he is so that we could be there for his prep. And that’s just very exciting for me because he has a visual sense that goes beyond most of the people that I work with. The only problem we have is he wants to storyboard his episode, and I’m like, “You do know that it’s a script that will be late, right?”

Complex: [Laughs.] I’m sure he’s used to that.

Joss Whedon: Well, I’m used to it, but nobody who directs for me is. We’re trying to do better this year, honestly. I don’t think he’s going to get his storyboard time, unless he draws really fast.

Complex: Are you guys producing web content this year for the show too?

Joss Whedon: We’re not. Just because they’re not really looking to spend extra money on the show. The network has dropped their licensing dramatically, it’s the studio who has really picked up the slack to make this happen. Ironically, we actually have what would be fabulous web content, which is the whole 2019 storyline from “Epitaph One.” Whereas last year, it was like “I don’t think we have anything for the Web.” When they added 10 minutes to every episode, they gave it up. This year I’m like, “We have some great ideas for the Internet!” and they’re like, “Yeah…no.”

Complex: I guess that just translates to DVD specials.

Joss Whedon: Well, the DVD people have come and gone, “Can you give us another free bonus episode?” [Laughs.] They would love it if we could just hand them one, but what we are doing is pursuing the 2019 storyline in the show sporadically. Not so much that it takes over, but enough that it informs where we’re going. I have some delightful surprises in store, and I got to shoot some of it myself for the first episode, which was delightful, because why should Soloman have all the fun?

Complex: I know “Epitaph One” was kind of meant as a send-off in case you got cancelled. Are you approaching this season the same way? I know you cant really worry about whether you’ll get cancelled or not but…

Joss Whedon: I’ve always approached every season that way. Firefly was the one time I really got the rug pulled out from under me. But every season of Buffy, except that time I got a two-year pickup from UPN, we ended the show as though we were not coming back. Or with the thought that if we did not come back, we would be satisfied—that’s why I never ended with a cliffhanger. Then we got a bigger pick up on Buffy and I ended with a cliffhanger and went, “No wonder our first episodes are always so crappy, cliff hangers are awesome!”

Complex: What did you learn from Dr. Horrible that’s helping you make the next one?

Joss Whedon: Basically that you can do anything. If you pool your resources, and in my case all of your connections after 20 years in the business—actually, God help me, 21—and just give up the idea that you’re going to act like a normal person or sleep, if you want it hard enough and do it well enough, it happens. I think a lot of really talented people either sort of get crushed under the wheel of the movie studio system or desperately try and get their next gig in TV. I understand why, because we’ve all got to put food on the table and the brass ring is out there, we’d all like to be making the Emmy-winning shows and the blockbusters and all that, but at the same time you could be doing stuff yourself. I wish more people would take the extraordinary talent they have and just let their id go because that’s what we discovered. We discovered that the sillier we got, the more people believed that we were speaking from our hearts.

Complex: I don’t want to ask about plots or anything like that but do you think you’ll be working under the same constraints as you made Dr. Horrible since that was kind of built out of the strike and all that?

Joss Whedon: Sadly we don’t have a pleasant strike…but we’re building the story based on… [Ed.—Whedon suddenly takes a phone call from his wife. Hmmm, convenient.]

Complex: How long do you see the Season Eight Buffy comic playing out?

Joss Whedon: Well, 40 issues was always the goal, and that’s how we’re playing it. We’re around issue 30 now, we’ve got about 10 to go, five of which I have to write, so I have to get on that. Then we’ll pause for breath and then we’ll start Season Nine.

Complex: So Season Nine is a definite lock?

Joss Whedon: Yeah, unless Dark Horse suddenly doesn’t want it. I have had for a long time a conception for Season Nine that is very different from Season Eight. It may not run as long, because 40 issues sounds great until you realize that it’s four or five years.

Complex: Can you give me an embarrassing Eliza anecdote?

Joss Whedon: I don’t know, nothing embarrasses Eliza. That’s kind of why I love working with her. Apart from finally conquering her fear of wearing her hair in an up-do. Literally, I’ve had her doing Kung-Fu, speaking Spanish, swing dancing, comedy, drama, horror, naked, anything—no problem—but put her hair up and she freaks. For some reason the back of her neck should not be exposed, but she’s OK with it now, and she’s really proud of that. She’s really grown as an actress with the back of her neck.

Complex: She was telling me about your crazy dancing.

Joss Whedon: My crazy dancing?

Complex: Your crazy dancing.

Joss Whedon: I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about. Nobody has ever called me “Crazy Legs,” and I’m going on record with that. Um, yeah, I like to dance. And Eliza likes to make fun of me when I do.

Complex: Do you have a go-to dance move?

Joss Whedon: I do not. I don’t even know what any dance moves are called.

Complex: Would you ever go on Dancing With the Stars?

Joss Whedon: I never would in a hundred gazillion years. I do not care to make a spectacle of myself. Unless I’m at Comic-Con.

Complex: Are there any guest stars you want to tease?

Joss Whedon: Well we have Alexis Denisof, Jamie Bamber, Michael Hogan. Last year we were very cagey about it because we didn’t want to mix too many of our old friends in it because we wanted it to be a new… “Oh, nobody’s watching? Come on, get in here! It’s fun!” And Felicia Day is in it of course, because she was in “Epitaph One.” It’s not just a way to reconnect with people that I love and make our hardcore fans really happy—it’s a time-saver.

Complex: Is Michael Hogan still going to have an eyepatch?

Joss Whedon: No, but he’s going to have braces and a retainer. It will be very sexy.

Complex: About Cabin in the Woods, can you talk about your decision not to say anything about it?
Joss Whedon: Oh, it was very simple. The movie has a plot. There’s premise movies and plot movies. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a premise movie. There’s nothing to give away; it is what it is. We don’t want people to know—beyond the fact that it’s thrilling horror—what goes on until they see it.

Complex: Speaking of the Buffy movie, what are your thoughts on the idea to bring it back without you?

Joss Whedon: You know, I don’t give it thought. The people who own the rights are making a business decision, and that’s their business.

Complex: And you have a lot of other comic-projects that are related to you with the Shepherd Book comic, the Dr. Horrible comic and the Cabin in the Woods comic tie-in.

Joss Whedon: Yeah, it happens. They keep asking for a Dollhouse comic and I tell them that when they can draw Eliza the way she looks in real life we can do one. Other than that, it’s not really worth it. The other ones, they all lend themselves to it and they’re all different genres. Dr. Horrible is funny hero stuff. Cabin in the Woods, not so funny—more like classic monster, EC horror stuff. And Buffy is pretty much straight-up superhero stuff.

RELATED: Complex’s Eliza Dushku Cover Story/Video/Gallery

Ladies love LL Cool J, but it damn sure ain’t because they think dude is a great actor. While he can reasonably proclaim himself the G.O.A.T. (greatest of all time) in rap, in the acting world he’s just plain goat-ass. And yet he stays getting roles, perhaps because his agent throws on sensual LL jams and rubs a lot of…backs (just a guess). On NCIS: Los Angeles, CBS’s new NCIS spinoff, which premieres tonight, he plays an ex-Navy SEAL turned undercover agent for the L.A. branch of the Naval Criminal Investigative Service. Based on his previous work, we don’t expect this one will stay afloat (then again, America loves the bad acting on The Mentalist). Check out clips of LL’s worst acting to see why we’ve got a sinking feeling…

Mindhunters (2004)
WORST LINE: “They were laced with some kind of acid!”
COMPLEX SAYS: Peep how Cool J drags a perfectly good actor—Clifton Collins Jr. (Star Trek, Traffic, Capote)—down to his melodramatic level. Sadly, it takes two L’s to spell LL.

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S.W.A.T. (2003)
WORST LINE: “I don’t speak Spanish! Tell me where your boyfriend is! You’re not helping him any!”
COMPLEX SAYS: You know it’s a problem when your massive cranium has more screen presence than you do.

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Rollerball (2002)
WORST LINE: “[Concern registering on his face] Aurooooooooooooooora!”
COMPLEX SAYS: The only way this clip could be more painful is if you rolled a motorcycle over our balls.

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In Too Deep (1999)
WORST LINE: “I heard you’re real good with your tongue…real good.”
COMPLEX SAYS: LL plays a drug dealer so powerful he’s named God, but if you ask us, this is the Devil’s work.

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Deep Blue Sea (1999)
WORST LINE: “You ate my bird!”
COMPLEX SAYS: In acting, the emotion is all in the eyes. Damn, that shark is good!

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BONUS BAD ACTING:

Virgin Mobile Commercial (2007)
WORST LINE: “You’re welcome. Try to stay strong.”
COMPLEX SAYS: We actually believed LL in this one, because, really, who really knows what kind of sick perversions roll around in a head as steroidally gigantic as that?

PEOPLE OF WAL-MART
Pitch: A group of people who shop at Wal-Mart ironically while on road trips take their detached snobbery to the next level by photographing people who shop at Wal-Mart because the retail behemoth shut down every other affordable option in town. Sample dialogue: “Lookit that guy who got diabetes because fatty foods are cheap and plentiful! Hey buddy, crippling poverty called; IT WANTS ITS MULLET BACK! *high fives*”

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GARFIELD MINUS GARFIELD
Pitch: Jon Cryer walks around talking to the walls. Budget: one hidden camera. Cheapest show evar.

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SNACKS AND SHIT
Pitch: Hip-hop scholars, i.e., the two guys who start punching people in the face whenever “Jump Around” comes on at their frat parties–laugh and laugh and laugh about rappers who say the darnedest things. Special appearances by celebrity hip-hop purists Kendra Wilkinson and Kevin Federline.

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POST SECRET
Pitch: Anonymous people admit their deepest fears and most shameful confessions. Narrated by no one, since the only people self-absorbed enough to—wait, no, Tyra Banks just called. She’ll do it.

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LAST NIGHT’S PARTY
Pitch: National Geographic correspondent Lisa Ling takes the L train into Williamsburg (or the F to the LES, depending) and walks around with a cameraman filming people who are really really really fucking extra. That’s it. Guaranteed ratings gold, people.

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KANYE UNIVERSECITY
Pitch: Like Charlie’s Angels, except Charlie is really Kanye West sitting around on uncomfortable furniture that his friends told him about, and the Angels are bony French models who can only say “where are you, Yeezy?”

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STUFF WHITE PEOPLE LIKE
Pitch: Hosted by Ryan Seacrest and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, it’s a lighthearted exposé about what grafted devils like to do when they’re in their native habitat. It’s hilarious because it’s true! ONLY white people eat organic food! ONLY white people ride bikes! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA DO YOU GET IT WHITE PEOPLE ARE SO LAME THERE ARE YOU HAPPY IS THAT SELF-DEPRECATING ENOUGH GET AWAY FROM ME MUD PEOPLE!

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CUTE OVERLOAD
Pitch: Widdle kitties and widdle puppy dogs fall asweep in the cwaziest pwaces, set to the strains of ’80s pop tunes so that chubby housewives can relive their high-school days and distract themselves from their stultifying depression in one fell swoop.

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F MY LIFE
Pitch: A sitcom featuring affable twentysomethings trading i-swear-this-is-true stories of humiliating oneupsmanship. AKA “This Never Happened, But Could You Imagine If It Did? Wowzers!”

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HOT CHICKS WITH DOUCHEBAGS
Pitch: Wait a second, this already exists. Thank you, Viacom, for taking a joke about how desperate shitty networks are scraping the bottom of the barrel and making it reality.

Hide your goats! Another Chupacabra has been captured on video, proving once and for all that the “mythical” beast that sucks the blood of goats and other livestock does exist! OK, maybe it’s just a dead-ass Xolo (a hairless breed of dog) that’s been fed rodent poison, but if a semi-reputable, occasionally accurate news source like CNN tells us that it could be the Latino cousin of Bigfoot, who are we to question?

On the video, Jerry Ayer, a taxidermist in Blanco, Texas, displays the grey, leathery, hairless corpse of a curious creature he’s been storing in his freezer (because there’s nothing creepy or monstrous about that). We’re admittedly disappointed that it looks less like an alien or demon than a hybrid of a coyote, kangaroo, wolverine, and rat (or somebody’s pet Xolo). Still, it’ll keep us up at nights wondering what might be lurking outside just waiting for something to suck on? Read on to see the CNN report as well as other Chupacabras caught on tape…

SPOTTED IN: Blanco, Texas
Complex says: If the facts are murky or non-existent, CNN is there.

SPOTTED IN: Cuero, Texas
Complex says: Don’t mess with Texas. Seriously, somebody authorized these cowpokes to carry badges and guns.

SPOTTED IN: Coleman, Texas
Complex says: Chupacabra, or the love child of a farmer and his livestock?

SPOTTED IN: Saudi Arabia
Complex says: Well, it certainly has monstrous balls.

SPOTTED IN: Nuevo Laredo, Mexico
Complex says: With weak-ass evidence like this, we’d be hiding our faces too.

• CLICK HERE TO SEE MORE “CAUGHT ON TAPE” POSTS!

So now you’ve got two choices: You can click the link below to read the regular interview as it appeared in the magazine, or you can keep reading this post to see the full uncut interview. We recommend them both. How can you lose? Come for the deadpan white people, stay for the deadpan white people!

CLICK HERE TO READ THE “MY COMPLEX” INTERVIEW FROM THE MAGAZINE

MICHAEL SHOWALTER & MICHAEL IAN BLACK: The UNCUT Q&A
Interview By Peter Rubin

Complex: So who is the average person who approaches you street—in celebrity terms? Which celebrity does your average fan most resemble?

MS: Laurence Fishburne. African-American…

MIB: early 50s…

MS: late 40s, early 50s. Very intense and male.

MIB: For me, it’s Zac Efron.

Complex: That’s the comparison?

MIB: No, the average person who comes up to me is literally Zac Efron.

Complex: Does it happen often?

MIB: It happens all the time.

MS: I’ve been with you when it’s happened

MIB: It’s awkward, ’cause there’s that thing where you’re famous and they’re famous so you’re supposed to give each other respect to a certain extent, like hang out—and Zac Efron is so needy that it’s uncomfortable. It’s just awkward. He wants to hang out with my kids. He’ll be like, “What’re you doing tonight?” I’m like, “Hanging with my family,” and he’s like, “Can I come?” What do you say? First couple of times I’m like, “Sure, come on by.” Frankly, there’s nothing to talk about; my kids don’t like him, my wife is whatever, and I’m sort of in a position because I invited the guy over and now have the need to entertain him. I have a ping-pong table, and that’s pretty much all we do. He’s a decent ping-pong player, but that’s not enough for me to invite him over.

MS: Don’t you guys jam, though?

MIB: A little bit, not a lot. And our musical tastes are so different. He’s got a great voice, but how many times can I hear the soundtrack of High School Musical 2, you know? Not a lot.

Complex: What projects of yours have had the most unexpected impact on your careers?

MIB: I will tell you what I thought was going to be a huge impact but didn’t. When I won a silver in the biathlon.

Complex: It helped with endorsements, didn’t it?

MIB: In the Norwegian countries, it was helpful, but there’s just not that much marketing stuff in our country—I’m American and Jewish. So for me, winning the silver in the biathlon was not nearly as helpful as I wanted it to be but it was good. And the biathlon is not a prestigious event. If you’re going to win a medal in the winter games, you want to win figure skating.

Complex: What are your favorite comedy lubricants?

MIB: You mean things that make you laugh?

Complex: I guess, or pre-show processes, anything that greases the wheels.

MIB: You mean like drugs?

Complex: Not necessarily.

MS: But maybe.

Complex: Perhaps.

MIB: ’Cause you look like a stoner. You seem like you burn.

Complex: Right now, you mean? ’Cause yeah, I’m high right now.

MS: I get a lot of jokes from watching SNL, The Daily Show…where else?

MIB: Sometimes we break out the old tapes of Kids in the Hall.

MIB: We just hoist it, basically. It’s essentially, “Hey, write this down, it’s really funny.”

Complex: Is that how you got the farting butterfly sketch from Michael & Michael?

MIB: Yeah, that was Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks in the original. They were great.

MS: Well, I wouldn’t take it as the same joke. Clearly, the Carl Reiner butterfly was much more…

MIB: More Yiddish. Carl Reiner’s butterfly had a Yiddish accent.

MS: Yeah.

Complex: Are there certain foods you had to feed it to make it so gassy?

MS: The same kind of foods that we would give a human being.

Complex: Did it have favorites?

MS: It couldn’t talk. We don’t know

MIB: It seemed to like the beans, though.

MS: It did like the beans. That took me a while to figure out, though.

MIB: It also took us a long time to figure out where to put the microphone.

MS: We used a boom mic, ’cause when it was actually ready to fart, it was loud.

MIB: It blew out the…

MS: It was actually the crew guys who were popping the mic, so we ended up having to do a much more directional mic with a big camera.

Complex: Did you have any trouble with the censors for that?

MIB: No, not so much. I mean they don’t have any hard and fast rules about butterfly farts. When I wanted it to come on its stomach, at that point they were like, “You know what? This might be an issue for first-timers.”

MS: The way we always do it is we say let us shoot it for the show and you can see if it’s acceptable. So we shot it.

MIB: Well, I shot it. You watched.

MS: I didn’t watch actually—I could have, but I didn’t want to. Mike shot on the butterfly’s stomach and we tried everything, and we just couldn’t get it through.

MIB: Yeah, they were pretty clear about it.

MIB: The whole thing took about 15 minutes

MS: And we did how many takes?

MIB: Oh, over 20.

MS: We took a lot of takes. Mike reloads really fast.

Complex: I think I remember reading that in an old interview he did.

RELATED: The 10 Funniest Skits from “The State”

TITLE: Battlestar Galactica – The Complete Series

GENRE: Science-fiction

STARS: Edward James Olmos, Mary McDonnell, Tricia Helfer, Grace Park, Katee Sackhoff, Jamie Bamber, James Callis, Tahmoh Penikett, Kandyse McClure, Lucy Lawless

FUN FACT: In the original 1978 cult classic TV show, the womanizing, gambling, wise-ass, cigar-smoking Starbuck character was male and played by Dirk Benedict. The Sci-Fi Channel’s re-imagining of the show featured the luscious Katee Sackhoff in the role, drinking, cursing, and sexing up a storm. You’d have to be a robot to not be excited by that decision.

WHY COMPLEX IS CO-SIGNING IT: Battlestar Galactica, a complicated chronicle of the outer space conflict between mankind and the sentient machines it created and enslaved, is arguably the best science-fiction television series ever (sorry if you just Shatnered in your pants)…

It’s got deep themes, tackling issues of race, religion, socio-economics, terrorism, and much more. It’s also got a deep roster of fine-ass women (including June/July 2008 Complex cover girl Grace Park). The special effects used to bring robot Centurion Cylons and outer space battles to life are unrivaled and amazing considering the short production time of television. If all this weren’t enough, the redux BSG series uses “frak,” a cool futuristic version of the curse word “fuck” (it was “frack” in the original series), so characters could drop frequent f-bombs on TV like actual people. We could not frak with this show any harder—at least not without some serious chafing.

DVD SPECIAL FEATURES: Commentaries, featurettes, video blogs, webisodes, deleted scenes, and extended episodes (that were originally featured in the original single-season DVD sets); special box packaging; a Cylon action figure

CLICK HERE TO BUY THE DVD SET FOR $171.99

BONUS CONTEST

We’re giving you a chance to win a limited edition 16GB Microsoft Zune, loaded with half of season 3 of Battlestar Galactica as well as all the season 4 episodes.

TO WIN THE ZUNE, CORRECTLY ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:

What was Grace Park’s drink of choice in our June/July 2008 Cover Shoot?

Enter your answer and contact info below for a chance to win!

With all that she was able to accomplish, it was only right that pay homage. So in honor of Gidget’s long, celebrated life, we’ve decided to put together a list of TV’s best pitch animals…

Morris the Cat, 9Lives
• This finicky cat is the pitch animal for 9Lives cat food. He’s such a great actor that he even starred in Shamus, stealing the show from co-star Burt Reynolds. Morris has also “authored” three books: The Morris Approach, The Morris Method and The Morris Prescription. That’s one smart pussy.

Spuds MacKenzie, Bud Light
• Before the talking frogs, and even before the “whassup” guys, there was Spuds. Spuds MacKenzie, whose real name was Honey Tree Evil Eye, spent the ’80s hustling Bud Light until it was revealed that Spuds the dude was actually a bitch. No, really, Spuds was a girl.

Westie, Cesar Dog Food
• These cute commercials appeal mostly to women and highly effeminate men. All the same, the Westie of Cesar dog food is pretty successful at moving units of Top Sirloin Flavor with Meaty Juices (Ayo!).

Duke, Bush’s Best Beans
• The talking dog effect never fails. Duke, the golden retriever featured in Bush’s Best ads, is a prime example of how cute, fluffy animals can make you forget you’re eating decade old beans that taste like shit. Works for us.

Mister Ed, Studebaker
• Who’s Mister Ed? What’s a Studebaker? What were you born in 1980? Possibly the earliest and most classic example of a talking animal. We’d take ol’ Eddie over a used car salesman any day.

Hungry Dog, Beggin’ Strips
• Everyone loves these commercials with the dog who’s looking for bacon bacon bacon bacon. Here comes the real surprise: it’s not really bacon, it’s beggin’! But, don’t be surprised when your dog starts jonesin’ for some bacon and flips on you Man’s Best Friend style.

Chipper the dog, RCA
• Chipper the dog has embedded himself in pop culture as “that RCA dog who sits next to the old record player.” But since Chipper is supposed to be a puppy a new one gets swapped in every couple months, kinda like the hosts on “106 & Park.”

When Futurama returns to the boob tube in 2010, it may sound a little funny-style. 20th Century Fox TV is producing 26 new episodes for a mid-year cable run on Comedy Central, but talks have broken down with voice stars Billy West, Katey Sagal, John DiMaggio, Maurice LaMarche, and Tress MacNeille over money. Fox is trying to cut costs for the move to cable and has offered the cast less than they were hoping for, so don’t be surprised if Yakov Smirnoff ends up voicing all the characters on the cheap.

It wouldn’t be the first time a network pulled the okey doke on fans with replacement actors. Salary disputes, drug problems, thespian beef, and even the desire to get a college education (scandalous!) have all led to sudden, unexplained cast changes. Keep reading for the lowdown on some of television’s most memorable switcheroos with before-and-after photos included!

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Character: Vivian “Aunt Viv” Banks
Actors: Janet Hubert-Whitten (1990-1993), Daphne Maxwell Reid (1993-1996)
Reason for Recasting: Will Smith and Hubert-Whitten didn’t get along. According to her recent tell-all book, the Fresh Prince was actually spoiled and ruthless, demanding that nobody get bigger laughs than him on or off set. After she was fired, the mood on set lightened—word to Aunt Viv’s bleaching cream.

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Seinfeld
Character: Dad/Morty Seinfeld
Actors: Phil Bruns (1990), Barney Martin (1991-1998)
Reason for Recasting: Co-creator Larry David replaced Bruns after one episode because he felt Jerry’s dad should be more crotchety. Ironically, after the slept-on show became a huge success without him, Bruns was finally able to pull off “grumpy old man.”

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Adventures of Superman
Character: Lois Lane
Actors: Phyllis Coates (1951-1953), Noel Neill (1953-1958)
Reason for Recasting: When the show returned following a production suspension, Coates had already committed herself to another production—one that didn’t star a man in tights.

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Roseanne
Character: Becky Connor/Becky Connor-Healy
Actors: Alicia “Lecy” Goranson (1988-1992, sporadic appearances afterwards), Sarah Chalke (1993-1997)
Reason for Recasting: Goranson left to attend Vassar College, where she studied English with a concentration in poetry and played on the rugby team. It’s not as prestigious as Kanye’s “PhD” but still.

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Mad About You
Character: Gus and Theresa Stemple
Actors: John Karlen (1994-1995) and Penny Fuller (1994-1995), Carroll O’Connor (1996-1999) and Carol Burnett (1996-1999)
Reason for Recasting: We don’t know exactly why Jamie’s parents were swapped out, but when you have the opportunity to get with legends, you have to. At least that’s what we told our girl when we had the chance to get some Superhead.

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Arrested Development
Character: Marta Estrella
Actors: Leonor Varela (2003), Patricia Velazquez (2003-2004)
Reason: After a brief stint on the show, Varela left to shoot Innocent Voices, a film about a mother and son struggling to survive the war raging in 1980s El Salvador. We’d be mad at it had producers not promptly plugged in Venezuelan dime model Velazquez. ¡Bien hecho!

That ’70s Show
Character: Laurie Forman
Actors: Lisa Robin Kelly (1998–2003), Christina Moore (2003-2004)
Reason for Recasting: Kelly, who played Eric’s promiscuous older sister (a.k.a. the second coming of Kelly Bundy), was reportedly fired because of drug problems, which is a good thing, because the show continued to be straight crack!

The Jeffersons
Character: Lionel Jefferson
Actors: Mike Evans (1974, 1979-1985), Damon Evans (1975-1978)
Reason for Recasting: After playing George and Weezy’s son Lionel on the first season of the spin-off series The Jeffersons, Mike, who first appeared as the character on All in the Family, bounced to work as a writer/producer on Good Times. When that thoroughly DY-NO-MITE! show ended, he reclaimed the role like click-clack, gimme my shit back!

Bewitched
Character: Darrin Stephens
Actors: Dick York (1964–1969), Dick Sargent (1969–1972)
Reason for Recasting: York’s severe back condition kept “backing” up production, so producers went and found some new Dick, ’cause really, when you’ve seen one Dick, you’ve seen ‘em all.

My Wife and Kids
Character: Claire Kyle
Actors: Jazz Raycole (2001-2002), Jennifer Freeman (2001-2005)
Reason for Recasting: Raycole left after one season because her mom reportedly objected to a storyline in which Claire’s friend gets pregnant. Talk about your seeds of discontent!

South Park’s always had its finger in the pants on the pulse of the cultural zeitgeist, and more than a few episodes have been met with outrage from interest groups or religious leaders. But every once in a while, SP has turned the tables on real life, and seen its gags subtly nestle their way into pop culture. With the Food Network obviously aping their latest franchise’s name from the beloved cartoon (yo FN: Trey and Matt wanna know where their royalty checks are!) , we dug up 10 instances of Real Life Imitating South Park…

Fish Sticks, 4/8/09
• South Park made an assault on Kanye’s big ego earlier this year, with a play on words (fish sticks to fish dicks). A few days after South Park implied Kanye was a “gay fish” for liking “fish dicks,” a smart-ass waiter thought it’d be funny to serve Kanye some fish sticks at The Cheesecake Factory.

South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut, 1999
• In the South Park movie, Saddam Hussein is depicted as Satan’s abusive, homosexual lover. When Saddam was captured by American forces a few years later, Marines who were keeping the dethroned leader captive forced Saddam to watch the flick repeatedly in an apparent attempt to degrade him even further.

South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut, 1999
• The Academy Award-nominated song from the South Park movie, “Blame Canada,” gained such stick-in-your-head notoriety that the University of Michigan marching band performed their own version.

Trapped in the Closet, 10/16/05
• Not only did this full-on assault of Scientology cause a media shit storm for several weeks after the episode aired, but references to this hilarious spin on the “Hollywood religion” appeared in the 58th Primetime Emmy Awards as well as the 2006 film The Bridge, when characters specifically mention the South Park Scientology spoof.

Make Love, Not Warcraft, 10/4/06
• South Park’s critique on World of Warcraft hit the nail on the head as it captured a generation of computer geeks who become permanent fixtures in front of their computer screens as they attempt virtual domination of a make believe world. The fabled Sword of a Thousand Truths that Randy Marsh gives to Stan would later be incorporated in the World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King expansion with the name Slayer of the Lifeless.

ManBearPig, 04/26/2006
• This episode poked fun of Al Gore’s attempts to draw attention to global climate change with ManBearPig, a fictitious animal that Gore swore was threatening lives. ManBearPig would make an appearance on the biotech site Think Gene as an April Fools joke. ManBearPig made another resurgence on the site Digg, when a forum was opened to compile possible questions for Al Gore during an upcoming interview.

Ginger Kids, 10/9/05
• There’s something odd about gingers—people with red hair and freckles, that is. Apparently there were quite a few people who agreed with this South Park episode because a Facebook group emerged in 2008 titled “national kick a ginger day,” citing the South Park episode as a major influence.

Timmy 2000, 04/19/2000
• This episode poked fun at America’s tendency to feed our naturally energetic children Ritalin. It focused on a lovable, albeit slightly challenged youngster named Timmy. Timmy forms his own rock group in this episode and the featured song, Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld, became a bonus song on Rock Band several years later.

Gnomes, 12/16/1998
• Step one: Collect Underpants. Step two: ??? Step three: Profit! This simple, yet very funny, episode about underpants gnomes who don’t quite understand how to turn their undies-stealing scheme into profit has become a parable for Internet-era companies that just don’t seem to get what it takes to turn a profit. For example, Yahoo! and WebMD.

Chef Aid, 10/07/1998
• In a case of art imitating life imitating art, South Park spoofed Johnnie Cochran’s nonsensical winning defense of O.J. Simpson, coining it the Chewbacca Defense, a term that’s consistently been referenced in the years after the episode’s airing. At the 2005 annual meeting of the American Academy of Forensic Sciences, they even had a seminar called “Poking the Wookie: The Chewbacca Defense in Digital Evidence Cases.” Wow.

The show birthed an insane number of comedy VIPs in screenwriting, acting, and directing, and nearly all of its members continue to work with each other on various projects; Reno 911!, cult comedy classic Wet Hot American Summer, and the new Comedy Central show Michael & Michael Have Issues (premiering this Wednesday) are but three. After the jump, watch The State’s 10 Best Skits and check out a (now updated) chart we ran in our February/March 2008 issue that details the cast’s interlocking post-State collaborations…

THE BACON SONG

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LOUIE’S LAST SUPPER

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DOUG & DAD
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TEACHERS’ LOUNGE

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DEATHFIGHT 5000
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THE JEW, THE ITALIAN, AND THE REDHEAD GAY
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FAST FOOD

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BARRY & LEVON ON PLANET GROOVY

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GANG FIGHT!
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INTERNATIONAL SIGNS

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BONUS: COMPLEX’S STATE COLLABO CHART! (Click to enlarge)

TITLE: Eastbound & Down: The Complete First Season

GENRE: Comedy/Sports

STARS: Danny McBride, Katy Mixon, Will Ferrell, Craig Robinson

FUN FACT: Fans speculate that Kenny Powers is based on MLB bad boys like John Rocker, John Kruk, and Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams, but McBride says that he’s simply a “greatest hits of all of the shamed ballplayers.”

WHY COMPLEX IS CO-SIGNING IT: We’re on Danny McBride’s jock—his horny, arrogant, racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, foul-mouthed, drugged-out, washed-up jock, Kenny Powers, that is. McBride, who stood out in The Foot Fist Way, Pineapple Express, and Tropic Thunder, is pitch perfect as the disgraced and penniless former Major League Baseball star flame-thrower who’s forced to live amongst the little people and teach physical education at his middle school while he tries to make a comeback. Eastbound has filthy humor on the reg, Katy Mixon’s super twos on the reg, Will Ferrell and Craig Robinson guest appearances on the reg, and all sorts of other cool shit on the reg. The first season of this HBO gem—six half-hour episodes—leaves us wanting more, but when a pitcher who throws “faster than fuck” hurls a perfect game, they don’t dick around about it, they just bring the heat, get in and get out. If you’re not going to bat for this series, quite simply, you’re fuckin’ out!

DVD SPECIAL FEATURES: Outtakes, three commentary episodes, deleted scenes, a “making of,” Kenny Powers back-story commercials and videos.

CLICK HERE TO BUY THE DVD FOR $20.49

WATCH SOME OF KENNY POWERS’ BEST MOMENTS:

So in honor of the great pitchman, we rounded up his best of the best to present the Inaugural BIlly Mays Awards—watch his best commercials and buy some of the flimsy products he gave his generous time to shill below…

THE CHEAPEST
• Hercules Hook, $14.95
• With help from Billy, nothing could be better hung.
• BUY IT NOW! http://www.asseenontv.com/prod-pages/hercules_hook.html

THE PRICIEST
• iCan insurance.
• Let’s see, 40 years at $160/month….
• BUY IT NOW! http://www.icanbenefit.com/

THE BEST NAME
• Kaboom
• BLAST stains away! OBLITERATE THEM! KAPOW BLAOW TA-DAOW! HOUSEKEEPING WILL NEVER BE BORING AGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!
BUY IT NOW! http://www.kaboomkaboom.com/products.shtml

THE MOST USEFUL
• Jupiter Jack
• Sounds like a phone-sex line for Buzz Lightyear fetishists, but could actually keep you from driving into a baby!
• BUY IT NOW! jupiterjack.com

THE MOST USELESS
• The Gopher
• Don’t like using your hands? Tired of being young and vital? Opposable thumbs a waste of evolution? Let those stupid mitts atrophy and use a gripping tool instead!
• BUY IT NOW! http://www.asseenontvguys.com/

THE MOST POPULAR
• OxiClean
• For more than 10 years, Mays hawked the detergent booster. We can’t front, we use it to get our whites sparkling white. Stone Philips white, even!
• BUY IT NOW! http://greatcleaners.com/Products/OxiClean

THE MOST RIPPED OFF
• TIE: Zorbeez and Chop It
• Sure, the ShamWow and SlapChop helped rocket Vince to stardom, but both were a pale imitation of Mays classics. Go beat up a hooker, Vince.
• BUY IT NOW (Chop It has been discontinued)! Zorbeez: https://www.zorbeez.com/

THE BEST VALUE
• Steam Buddy
• $19.99 for an $80 value? HOLY CRAP, IT’S NOT JUST A HASTILY-ASSEMBLED FIRE HAZARD WAITING TO HAPPEN!
• BUY IT NOW! https://www.buysteambuddy.com/