Yesterday, The Courier-Journal of Louisville reported that Rick Pitino, the University of Louisville’s men’s basketball coach, told police, who were investigating rape charges against him, that he’d had consensual restaurant sex with and paid $3,000 for an abortion for his accuser, Karen Cunagin Sypher. The pretty blond, who’s married to the university’s equipment manager, accused Pitino, a married Catholic, of sexually assaulting her after she was charged with trying to blackmail him for $10 million. Scandalous! Sacrilegious sex, sure. But in the sanctity of a restaurant?! Our taste buds tingle from the shame of it all!

Actually, considering that the basic male needs are sex, food, water, sex, shelter, and sex, it makes perfect sense that Pitino got it poppin’ at Louisville’s Porcini Restaurant. With a name like that, you’d think they’d enjoyed a really classy dining and extramarital smash-off experience, but given all the subsequent drama, perhaps Sypher took offense because it wasn’t fancy enough for a respectable lady such as her. With that in mind, Complex breaks down other restaurants that might be good for an eat and beat. Bon appetit!

RED LOBSTER
FOOD: The scent of your impropriety will easily be mistaken for the catch of the day. Get it? It smells fishy—just like your chick!
CLEANLINESS: There’s always the possibility that someone walks out with crust-acean on their clothes, but that’s why they give you bibs.
SHAME FACTOR: Minimal, as long as your lobster tail doesn’t come with a side of crabs.

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IN-N-OUT BURGER
FOOD: We’re not completely clear on the In-N-Out’s “secret menu,” but we’re pretty sure if you order a “Double Meat Protein Style” for your chick, they provide you with a stock boy and Wet Wipes.
CLEANLINESS: A bit greasy, but then so are you.
SHAME FACTOR: Chicks may be embarrassed by getting popped off in a fast food restaurant. That’s why they invented the drive-thru. In. And. Out.

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CHILI’S
FOOD: Eat this stuff and we assure you the sex will be hot and heavy.
CLEANLINESS: That’s on you. Literally. Your burbling bowels apologize.
SHAME FACTOR: OK, we admit that a smash session here probably won’t sit right with you. Kinda like the Terlingua Chili.

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ROSCOE’S HOUSE OF CHICKEN AND WAFFLES
FOOD: Hey, these zany bastards mix poultry and breakfast sweets! Who are they to judge you for putting in work in a restroom?
CLEANLINESS: With all that syrup around, nobody’s going to assume that sticky icky on their table is dried splashoff. Go nuts.
SHAME FACTOR: Strange things happen at Roscoe’s. It starts with mixing chicken and waffles and ends with a stick of butter and a circus midget. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

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BENIHANA: THE JAPANESE STEAKHOUSE
FOOD: All dishes, prepared in an awesome spectacle by Benihana’s artist chefs, come with a side order of performance anxiety for you.
CLEANLINESS: Despite the theatrical slicing and dicing, Benihana’s chefs manage to keep things tidy. Try to keep your “onion volcano” from erupting all over the place.
SHAME FACTOR: Significant, if you allow your chef to show you up, working magic with his big-ass Ginsu. Get your dull knife game on point quick!

While we wouldn’t be that surprised if Gaga was packing, let’s be real—the allegations are false. Not only is clinical hermaphroditism rarer than rappers with a sense of humor, but these types of rumors pop up for all kinds of female celebs. Chances are, there are a couple of chicks you’d twist out who have been whispered to be rockin’ the frank and beans to go along with the sweet potato pie. Keep reading to check out 7 Women Rumored To Be Hermaphrodites after the jump. Let the scrutiny of famous women’s crotches begin!

FERGIE
Evidence For: “Lady lumps” may have actually referred to her balls; meth face is eerily similar to mydickisbiggerthanyours face.
Evidence Against: We can’t exactly think of any right now, so how about the fact that we’d still have sex with her?

NICOLE KIDMAN
Evidence For: She was married to Tom Cruise. *lawyering up*
Evidence Against: She told Vanity Fair that she was pregnant at 23 but miscarried. Actual hermaphroditism would make pregnancy exceedingly rare. Man, that was kinda dry. Dick joke dick joke dick joke!

JAMIE LEE CURTIS
Evidence For: Adopted kids, “my doctor knows the doctor who treats her, and I swear she has a Y chromosome dude!”
Evidence Against: Her strip tease in True Lies. Sorry, kids, but there’s no moose knuckle in there.

CHYNA (JOANIE LAURER)
Evidence For: Masculine facial features and a, uh, huge clitoris. That’s not a little man in a boat, that’s Andre the fucking Giant in a cruise ship. (Yes, there are pictures, and no, we’re not going to link them. Google is thataway.)
Evidence Against: Fuck hermaphrodite, that’s a dude with a vizzadge.

AMANDA LEAR
Evidence For: Homegirl is 6′3!
Evidence Against: She’s not actually a hermaphrodite, she’s just half-Janice from The Muppet Show.

CIARA
Evidence For: A strong jaw, a waist-hip ratio close to 1, and…is that an adam’s apple?!
Evidence Against: If she had a dick, wouldn’t Bow Wow’s vagina have been a little small for them to make it work?

LADY GAGA
Evidence For: Being a supreme butterface.
Evidence Against: Those are not the curves of a woman with a schlong. It’s science!

To answer this question, we teamed up with Complex columnist/G4 hostess with the mostess Olivia Munn to examine the effectiveness of various supposed “aphrodisiacs.” Should you give your girl chocolate to eat, or maybe some Viagra? Should she drink vegetable juice or some Spanish Fly? Will doing yoga get her hotter than watching porn? We analyze all these methods and more.

CLICK HERE TO READ THE FULL APHRODISIACS GUIDE!

5. AL REYNOLDS

• Target: View host, gastric-bypass denier and self-delusional blowhard Star Jones
Despite a pre-nuptial agreement, this fool proposed at the NBA All-Star Game, then spent the three years of their horridly publicized marriage on the DL (no Hughley). Also continues to deny that he’s super, thanks for asking.
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4. MARK HARRIS

• Target: Martha Raye, denture wearer
Who? Oh, you know, just another example of the age-old story: boy meets boy, boy spends life as a gay man, then boy marries a 75-year-old woman with Alzheimer’s who’s 35 years older than him (a month after meeting her), boy fights the woman’s daughter to block her from the estate, boy eventually inherits $4 million when the woman dies a double amputee. It’s the stuff dreams are made of!
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3. STEDMAN GRAHAM

• Target: Jizzillionaire Oprah Winfrey (seriously, we’d nut if we had that much money)
Thought you were about to cake off, huh? Oprah’s too smart for that, Stedman! No marriage for you! Now go change your name, you sound like an Austrian dessert.
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2. KEVIN FEDERLINE

• Target: Hot teen, not-so-hot twentysomething, and nonshaver Britney Spears
If you can actually convince a senseless multimillionaire to marry your unemployed ass, and then let you wear a sweatsuit that says “PIMP DADDY” to the wedding party, then we can’t even hate. Popozao, baby.
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1. GUY RITCHIE

• Target: Human-tarantula hybrid, scourge of insular cultures, and soy-latte drinker Madonna
She shit on your movies and stepped out with the most annoying baseball player since Crash Davis. We’ve got your back, homie; now go get that a milli a milli a mlli (repeat 61 more times).

Related: The Shotcaller: Guy Ritchie

X-Play has already found success with titles like Not The Bradys XXX given and Not Bewitched XXX, so this latest news is not a shocker. In fact, the company may be on to something. It seems like with a little tweaking in the casting and the premise of familiar sitcoms, some of our favorite shows could easily get a little more dicer and far more (cough, cough) stimulating. That being said, check out five sitcoms (as well as a bonus list of sitcoms we re-named to fit our needs), that we’d make into pornos…

KING OF QUEENS

• Starring: Audrey Bitoni
• Premise: A fat fuck with a hot wife deals with the trials and tribulations of being a fat fuck with a hot wife. Boo hoo, have some more pork rinds.
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TWO GUYS AND A GIRL…

• Starring: Bree Olsen and Tory Lane
• Premise: Post-college buddies live, learn, and London Bridge in Boston.
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GIRLFRIENDS

• Starring: Amber Easton, Lacey Duvalle, Jada Fire and Dee
• Premise: Four best friends–the neurotic, the princess, the bohemian and the around-the-way girl–have constant lesbian orgies for our voyeuristic pleasure. There’s also a cockboy they’re friends with too, but he pretty much just holds the camera and looks like a turtle.
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SEINFELD

• Starring: Ashlyn Gere
• Premise: Three neurotic New Yorkers try to be the first to shmear Ashlyn’s bagel. Serenity now!
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THE BIG BANG THEORY

• Starring: Teagan Presley
• Premise: Four nerds try to make Teagan the spunky torus in their Mobius Strip fantasies.

BONUS LIST OF PORNED SITCOMS:

• How I Meat Your Mother
• Dome Improvement
• It’s Always Sunny (Leone) in Philadelphia
• Just Shoot All Over Me
• Golden Showers Girls
• Joanie Loves Chocha
• Porkin’ Mindy
• My Wife Swallows The Kids
• CoozeRadio
• WPRK in Cincinnati
• The Dick Blonde Dykes Show
• The Nude Adventures of Old Christine
• One D At a Time
• The Porkers
• Spunky Brewster
• 3rd Cock In The Buns
• Family Splatters
• Freaks and Cheeks
• Cooch
• Shaved By the Bell
• The Pimpsons
• Pounded For Life
• Everybody Loves Reamin’
• That 70s Ho

Hell, 50 Cent used to talk about releasing a dildo of his own, but this is a whole other situation; someone’s getting the shaft here, that’s for sure. Click on for 5 shameful instances of (mostly unauthorized) celeb-themed adult novelties…

HEAD O STATE OBAMA DILDO

Is it racist or just stupid? So hard to say these days.
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MADONNA CONDOMS

In 1979, the sinewy tarantula formerly known as Madonna was a young and attracitve singer who posed for some ill-advised nude shots by photographer Martin Schreiber. In 2001, Schreiber licensed them jernts to a condom company, who promptly felt the legal heat from Madonna’s team of voguing quasi-Hindu Kabbalah ninjas. Take a lesson from Guy Ritchie and think twice before you let her get that close to your junk.
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J-HO AND SARAH JESSICA PORKHER BLOWUP DOLLS

Not to be confused with other thinly-veiled ripoffs like “Lindsay Fully Loaded” and “Dirty Christina.” You stay classy, Pipedreams!
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DAVE STEWART’S LIMITED-EDITION VIBRATORS

No, not the relief pitcher'the weird silent dude from Eurythmics. Yeah, he and some “adult boutique” decided the world needed $2,000 vibrators with his lyrics etched on them. Look, all we’re saying is If we’re paying two large for a sex toy, it better have a heartbeat.
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CELEBRITYBUTTPLUGS.COM (R.I.P.)

All we’re gonna do here is quote the sales pitch. Kind tells you all you need to know about the company behind “George Dubya Tush”:

People say DUBYA’s got his head up his butt, now you can find out what it’s like to have it up yours! 5 1/4″ high and 3″ from ear to ear (flared for ultimate anal amusement) GEORGE DUBYA TUSH will have you standing at attention and saluting the flag while he roots around for that pesky WMD (Wildly Messy Defecation)! Available in a variety of colors.

The internets have recently been talking about a company called inSPOT that lets you send an e-Card to someone to let them know you might have given them a sexually transmitted disease. Their cards handle the sensitive situation well, but we think we can do better. Next time you’re about to send a BBM that reads “Check your pee hole,” try sending these Complex-endorsed cards instead…

FOR YOUR SUMMER FLING:

IF YOUR PARTNER IS IN FINANCE:

STARS ARE JUST LIKE US:

IF IT’S BEEN OVER FOR A WHILE:

AT THE END OF THE DAY, EVERYONE’S IN ON IT ANYWAY:

Over the weekend we read the news that a 29-year-old Michigan man was arrested for “receiving dome sexual favors from a vacuum” at a car wash. A car wash vacuum, huh? Very inventive! We’ll just have to add that to our growing list of inanimate objects that desperate men have sex with.

Click here to see our list of man’s favorite inanimate sex objects…

Think Sarah Palin is scary? We agree'scary sexy, that is! So of course we’re eagerly awaiting the release of Hustler’s new politico-porno Who’s Nailin’ Paylin? starring VPILF lookalike Lisa Ann. And with the news that shooting had begun this weekend (complete with appearances from Bill Orally, Hilly Clinton and Condi Rice), we got to thinking: What other female politicians would we like to see featured in their own gonzo flick? See our wish list below…

TITLE: “NANCI GETS POLEOSIED”

STARRING : Sasha Grey as Squirter of the House Nancy Poleosi
TAGLINE: “Negotiations go long and hard as Congress’ most-liberal rep meets various heads of state!”

TITLE: “ON THE CAMPAIN TRAIL WITH JANITT REAMO”

STARRING : Belladonna as Asstorney General Janet Reno
TAGLINE: “The nation’s former top cop puts 1000 new cops on the streets'and between her cheeks!”

TITLE: “HILLARY ROD’EM CLIT’IN”

STARRING: Shyla Styles as Hillary Rodham Clinton
TAGLINE: “Fighting for women’s rights'to get fucked by other chicks!”

TITLE: “PUTTING IN WORK WITH ELAINE CHAO”

STARRING: Maria Ozawa as Labor Secretary Elaine Chao
TAGLINE: “The longest-serving member of the Bush Cabinet isn’t afraid of the longest members!”

TITLE: “BETTE SUCKIN’”

STARRING: Jenna Jameson as Ohio’s 13th District Congresswoman Betty Sutton
TAGLINE: “Betty’s eager to know her dickstrict!”

We can’t imagine the kind of person that would actually check out Bang Bros at 30,000 feet'but hey, we’ve been wrong before. At least five times, from the looks of things. Peep the five worst possible places where people have actually tried to watch porn…

#5: IN YOUR CAR

In 2006, the late Timberwolves center Eddie Griffin was sued when he crashed into a parked SUV while drunk and watching porn. He wasn’t the first to find paradise by the dashboard light: two years before, Andre Gainey was arrested near Albany for watching a joint called Chocolate Foam while driving in his Mercedes. What, you’ve never seen someone driving with one hand before?

#4: ON THE SUBWAY…WITH YOUR DUDE

C’mon now, damn. This is not only inappropriate, but wild flagrino. Peep the look dude in the jersey gives his man. *SMH*

#3: AT WORK'WHEN YOU’RE A TEACHER.

For more than two years, a teacher in Wisconsin has been trying to get his job back, after he was fired for looking at a porn site. For 67 seconds. On a Sunday. If that’s a firable offense, then consider us burnt charcoal.

#2: IN A PUBLIC LIBRARY

In 2006, Michael Cooper was just trying to rub a subtle one out in his local library branch'but he never counted on Cleveland investigative reporter Carl Monday, who ambushed him outside the library and followed him home. If you were living under a rock two years ago, then you’re in luck.

#1: IN CHURCH

In February, a New Jersey State Police employee was arrested for sneaking into a church to peep porn on a nun’s computer. Not only is that a nasty habit, it makes God cry.

But that’s not really the point, is it? Porn stars ternt sangas are by no means new; music is usually the second item on an adult performer’s bucket list, just after “appear on Howard Stern” and just before “guest star on Two and A Half Men.” That being said, are you really surprised that we went out and scoured the internets for some of these incredible vocal stylings? Didn’t think so. Check out our round-up of musical porn stars.

Click Here To Give Your Ears A Full-Body Freakin’…

The Palin clan is continuing the great tradition of the “shotgun wedding,” when a woman (or her family) demands marriage in response to an unplanned pregnancy. Check out some of the most memorable forced unions from the last 500 years.

After watching him play a sex-crazed writer on Californication so convincingly, it should come as no surprise that David Duchovny recently hit rehab for his real-life sex addiction.

According to an old Dateline report, over 16 million men and women suffer from sex addiction, yet celebs seem to be the most at-risk population. But really, though: wouldn’t any man with money, fame, and unlimited access to bangable chicks become addicted to sex at some point? We did a little research, and found this fascinating tidbit: “Pornography, combined with regular masturbation, is the cornerstone for most sex addicts.” Fuck! Even us regular Joe’s may be in trouble.

Far be it from us to make light of celebrity missteps, but we’ve compiled a list of famous sex addicts'not for us to laugh at, but for us to learn from. Pay attention.

Click here to see Hollywood’s biggest sex fiends and the women they left behind…

Veronica Rayne and her partner promise a varied menu, as well as a number of booths dedicated to their close friends in the industry. Come with us for a sneak peek at the who the booths are named after, as well as some menu suggestions from their ever-helpful friends at Complex.

To browse the menu we curated click here…

Our new slogan is obvious. But Janine wouldn’t be the first adult actress to find herself behind bars'take a walk down mammary lane with us, won’t you?

Click here to see which porn stars have been locked up…

Bad puns aside, it turns out that this isn’t even the first zombie porno, let alone the first time someone’s done the monster mash in the flesh industry. Take a walk down memory lane with us and check out five other spooky-sex flicks…

Buffy the Vampire Layer (1996)
Starring: Kristy Myst
Plot: Busty blonde trains to seduce, kill bloodsuckers.
Trivia: She’s not the one driving the stake!

Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre (2005)
Starring: Stormy Daniels, Jessica Drake
Plot: Blair Witch x ghosts x sex
Trivia: Evidently the first porn movie shot in HD. That’s 1080 pixels of unnecessary close-ups!

Texas Vibrator Massacre (2008)
Starring: Jamie Elle
Plot: Texas Chainsaw Massacre, except instead of chainsaws, it’s vibrators. No, really! We had to watch it all the way through to find that out.
Trivia: The director, Rob Rotten, has a playlist on iTunes called “Rob Rotten’s Skate Punk.” Uh, awesome.

Spankenstein (1999)
Starring: Damian Black, as the titular Spankenstein!
Plot: A doctor creates life by applying electric sex toys to a bunch of dead body parts. Then he goes around…spanking people. With his giant hands.
Trivia: Not arousing in the least!

The Re-Penetrator (2004)
Starring: Complex favorite and Sarah Silverman-resembling Joanna Angel
Plot: A mad scientist brings a dead stripper back to life by injecting her with green goo. Very much like Cocoon, if you think about it.
Trivia: Yuck.

His recently released album Lessons In Love was originally titled Sex Education, so we decided to put the New Orleans native to the test with some tough questions submitted by our readers. Check out young Lloyd's guidance on topics ranging from how to pick up a chick at the club, to what to do when you've gone soft…

Question 1: “I was in the heat of the moment with my girl and my tool wasn't working properly. How do I avoid this from happening in the future?”

Lloyd: Think happy thoughts. Ice cream on a Sunday at a park. You want to think about…No, no, no. Actually, think macho thoughts. I want you to think about “Welcome To The Jungle!” You want to think about that kind of stuff, you want to think about Mr. T, with his muscles and his chains. And his like ” I pity the fool!” You don't want to be the fool. You want to think about naked girls. Maybe not even the one in front of you. You want to fantasize about your favorite starlet. And imagine that this is the next best thing. And that'll get you through.

Question 2: “What's the best way to convince my girl to be more adventurous in the sack? I've tried everything.”

Lloyd: Maybe you convince her that her favorite nighttime special is coming on'lets say, Larry King Live'and you accidentally auto-tune porn, and leave it on, let it ride. Something is bound to go down.

Question 3: “How do I hint to my girl that she's put on some pounds without being a dick?”

Lloyd: You know, I think the big problem with guys complaining about girls who gain weight is that they sometimes don't watch their weight. And I think that seeing is believing. So maybe you should get your lazy ass in the gym. Bulk up a little bit and then she'll say, “Oh my God, honey you look so good! I'm coming with you!” You know?

Question 4: “When I'm picking up girls, how aggressive is too aggressive? Is Ray-J’s “come here girl!” move the way to go?”

Lloyd: Grabbing is too aggressive. Groping. That usually tends to lead into civil cases, bad publicity, and a big headache that Goody's Headache Powder would never cure. I think the best way to be aggressive without being too aggressive is to get inside the girl's mind through conversation. Stir up her imagination, and then she'll let you know everything that she fantasizes about.

Question 5: “What’s the best way to approach a girl at a bar or a club?”

Lloyd: How? I say “Hey! How you doing? You want to go somewhere a little bit more quiet!??” [Laughs]. And then she says, “What?” I say, “You want to go somewhere else?” She says, “What?” I'll say, “Fuck it. Just give me your number!” No, no actually how I would approach a girl at a club… I'll wait until my song comes on. I cheat, you know. I'll wait until my song comes on, and I say, “Hey? You want to give me a dance to my song?”

Question 6: “My girl is a little too obsessed with Pleasure P from Pretty Ricky, how do I get her mind off him?

Lloyd: You find an article that says he has the worst disease known to mankind. And you blow that shit up on a big-ass poster board. And you stamp it over the refrigerator. I think that the best way to get her mind off Pleasure P is to introduce them to the person. That way she's going to say, “Hey, I really like them in the video, but she's got a funny head in person.” His head is big.

Question 7: “I've been with my girl for six months and it’s been going really well, but I just found out she did a ‘Girls Gone Wild’ taping. What should I do?

Lloyd: Well, I think that's when you go ahead and you say, “Hey honey, I posed for Playgirl last summer as well.” You know? “They made me spread my cheeks.” I didn't tell you about that one either.

Question 8: “My girl recently got approached to take some modeling shots. I'm happy for her, but her head is getting bigger by the day. How do you keep her humble?”

Lloyd: Hmm…how would I do it? I like models. I don't know. I'd sneak into the photographer's laboratory the day before the photos are produced and mustache them. Mustache and sideburn those fuckers out.

Question 9: Sex is on my mind a lot, and I can't focus a lot on daily activities. Is that normal?

Lloyd: All I know is that I think about sex everyday; at least 10 to 20 times a day. At the weirdest times. When I eat, right now at this interview I'm thinking about it, I thought about it in the elevator on the way up. And I think it's something that we all think about quite a great deal. And I also think that there's a big misconception between sex and love. I even question it myself. By having sex, does this mean I'm in love? Does this mean I love this girl? I really love her but how can I show her? Oh, let's have sex! And you know, a lot of times you know it's not love. It's just sex. And when you have it out of the wrong reasons, then you end up with a lot of bad things. Pregnancies, diseases…you know?

MARILYN CHAMBERS

Real Name: Marilyn Ann Briggs
Big Break: Behind the Green Door (1972)
Niche: “The 99 and 44/100% Pure Girl”'She was the woman on the Ivory Snow soap box
Career Highlight: Insatiable (1981)
Trivia: She fainted after filming a 45-minute scene in Behind the Green Door

SEKA

Real Name: Dorothiea Hundley
Big Break: Dracula Sucks (1978)
Niche: “The Platinum Princess,” the Marilyn Monroe of porn
Career Highlight: Making 37 movies in 1981
Trivia: Julianne Moore’s character in Boogie Nights was partially based on her.

RHONDA JO PETTY

Real Name: Rhonda Jo Petty
Niche: The hardcore version of Farrah Fawcett
Big Break: Little Orphan Dusty (1978)
Career Highlight: AVN Hall of Fame
Trivia: Born and raised a Mormon (later excommunicated, for reasons we can’t possibly understand)

CANDIDA ROYALLE

Real Name: Candice Royalle
Big Break: Analyst (1975)
Niche: The thinking woman’s porn star'she went on to produce and direct movies aimed at women and couples
Career Highlight: Founding Femme Productions, her company, in 1984
Trivia: Her mother was a professional jazz drummer

SHARON MITCHELL

Real Name: Sharon Mitchell
Big Break: Lisa Meets Mr. Big (1975)
Niche: “vigorous cunnilingus technique” (thank you, Wikipedia!)
Career Highlight: Getting a PhD in human sexuality
Trivia: Started in porn when she was 16–but because she was married at the time, those movies are not considered “underage.”

Co-founded by some guy named Harry Mohney, who calls himself “America’s leading Erotologist” (though there are some of us here at Complex who could give him a run for his money), the museum boasts revolving featured exhibits, a massive permanent collection, and what may possibly be the gift shop on the entire planet. Where else could you buy vintage original ’70s and ’80s porn movie posters like Hot & Saucy Pizza Girls and The Ribald Tales of Canterbury? Our guess is “nowhere.” See some of their offerings up close after the jump.

[Click on an image to view full size]

That’s why we big up Eli Dancy and his company STFree Certifications'the onetime club promoter has issued more than 15,000 “Safe Sex Licenses.” The cards might be all the proof we need to show prospective jumpoffs that we’re not pubically pestilent. Otherwise, we would be forced to assert our cleanliness in some far less efficient ways. See some other possibilities below…

Post results on our bedroom door like Mr. Boston:

Submit to background checks like Steve Gutenberg in Amazon Women on the Moon:

Listen to this insane and possibly borderline-retarded guy:

[STFree via New York Daily News]