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Dirty Secrets Of The Founding Fathers

Unless you’re a complete idiot, you’ve probably figured out by now that America is all about hypocrisy. How else do we explain the fact that the same men who wrote things like “all men are created equal” went home and whipped the fuck out of their slaves? So in honor of our great country’s Independence Day, we thought it would be good to go beyond the myths and expose the side of our founding fathers that they don’t tell you in the history books.

Even aside from that whole “slavery” debacle, our country’s earliest leaders were no angels. A closer look at the lives of politicians like Benjamin Franklin, George Washington and Alexander Hamilton reveals that they all had a few unsavory incidents in their past. After the jump, read about five dirty secrets that the founding fathers wish we would forget.

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Chuck Palahniuk’s “Snuff” Pushes Porn Trailers

From gruesome masterbation accidents to airplane-hijacking suicide cults, Chuck Palahniuk’s novels are always centered around some crazy shit. Most famous for writing Fight Club, Chuckie P. is gearing up to release his new book Snuff, which focuses in on the adult film industry.

The story follows fictional porn star Cassie Wright as she films a record-breaking sex scene with 600 men. As a promo for the book (which comes out on May 20), they’ve filmed fake trailers for a few of Cassie’s supposed movies, including The Wizard Of Ass and Chitty Chitty Gang Bang. Watch the hilarious results after the jump.

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Mayor In Chile To Supply Free Viagra

Forget social security checks—old farts in Chile should look forward to receiving free Viagra in the next few days. Mayor Gonzalo Navarette, a former doctor, came up with the idea to give men over the age of 60 the via-yeezy to improve their quality of life after he received complaints from elder males about their poor sex life. The pill-pushing will occur four times a month to every man who’s trying to get some tail—the hard way. If all this old-man erection talk’s got you weirded out, check after the jump for a video by the aptly named hottie Russian/Ukranian girl group Viagra.

Popularity: 86% [?]

Porn For The Blind Talks Like Sex

Everyone knows the laundry list of things that make being blind suck. Sure, the obvious drawbacks of not being able to watch TV and walk without bumping into everything makes living as a blind person tough, but what about when it comes time to splash-off? Hooking up must be sketchy for the sightless—never knowing if the alleged perfect 10 model they’re with is actually Joe-Joe the she-male from around the way.

To help combat extreme horniness of the unsighted, PornForTheBlind, a not-for-profit organization, has been created. The website features monotone guest speakers (think Ben Stein) reading descriptions of top-notch porno scenes without leaving out a single detail. You can even choose from their list of “requested” sites and help out by doing your own reading of a sex scene. We compiled a few standout audio clips that we think would definitely get our blind brethren excited for your listening pleasure. Be thankful you have 20/20 vision after the jump.

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Ray-J’s Secret To Succ-Sex

Although he didn’t applaud the size of his beef-stick like T-Pain did, Cipha Sounds was the latest dude to gas Ray-J into thinking he’s a prime-time-player. In this video, Ciph asks Ray-J for tips on how to pick up some of the entertainment industry’s hottest chicks. For someone who’s been bedding everyone from Kim Kardashian to Whitney Houston, it seems like the only move in the R&B singer’s repertoire is a move we’ve dubbed the “Come here girl” grab. With a simple yank of a girl’s arm, and a pre-pubescent squeal of “Come Here Girl!” you too can be on your way to slaying socialites and crackheads alike. To see Ray’s blueprint to success, check the video after the jump.

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Castration Is Coming To America!

We really hate sex offenders as much as the next normal human being, but damn, do we have to chop off their kibbles & bits for the rest of their lives?

A new bill passed a Senate committee in Louisiana today that could give judges just that option. For first time offenders, judges would have the option to chop it off or burn it off in a chemical process called MPA (medroxyprogestrone acetate). For second time offenders, the judge would be required to turn them into a eunuch, as long as a doctor agreed. Just in case you thought this was “the easy way out,” the bill clearly states that the castration would not decrease jail sentences at all. Just an extra little bonus.

While removing someone’s sex organs would definitely deter sex crimes, is it right? What if we find out they were wrongly-convicted years down the line? The twig ‘n berries won’t grow back. This type of punishment hasn’t been legally practiced anywhere since the 19th century—unless you count the Nazis. After the break, familiarize yourself with our favorite castration-themed Ellen Page movie, Hard Candy.

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Internet Porn Outlawed In Indonesia

Photo: Chrissy Angliker

The parliament in Indonesia has passed a a new bill criminalizing the act of viewing pornographic images online. If you’re found guilty, you might have to spend three years in prison.

The debate over nudie images heated up in 2006, when Playboy Indonesia opened up shop. Despite the fact that this edition of the mag contained no actual nudity, it was the subject of relentless protests from the 85% Muslim population.

Damn. Looks like our Indonesian brethren are going to have to settle for videos of (fine ass) Miss Indonesia in a bikini. Watch one after the jump…

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8-Foot Dongzilla Roams Japanese Streets

This past weekend in Komaki, Japan, a monster-sized penis took to the streets for a fertility celebration called Honen Matsuri (which translates to “Rich Harvest Festival”). It’s an annual celebration that includes a parade where an 8-foot, 600 pound wooden phallus is carried from one shrine to another, a gesture that gives preemptive thanks for a bountiful harvest and virile fertility. While watching the parade, visitors to the central Japanese city also enjoy snacking on penis-shaped foods. Jonah Hill might want to make a pilgrimage next year for the sequel to Superbad.

After the jump, check out a video of the large dick in, er, action at this year’s festival.

[TokyoMango]

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Children Are Our (Disease Ridden) Future

Bad news: apparently the jailbait population is brimming with STDs.

In the first national study of its kind, federal researchers have revealed that one in four girls between the ages of 14 and 19 have a popular sexually transmitted disease. The diseases monitored include human papillomavirus (HPV), chlamydia, trichomoniasis (a parasite) and everyone’s favorite, genital herpes.

Things are looking the worst for black folks—50% of African-American teenagers have one of the diseases, while only 20% of white girls do. Of the infected, 15% have more than one disease.

The president of Planned Parenthood took the news as an opportunity to blast the government’s sex education programs: “The national policy of promoting abstinence-only programs is a $1.5 billion failure,” she said. “And teenage girls are paying the real price.”

In lieu of the current sex ed curriculum, we suggest teachers cue up Nas‘ 1999 album cut “Dr. Knockboot” and let God’s Son spit some real knowledge: “DO: rock a Rough Ryder, whenever you inside her/Your local bodega is your supplier.”

[NYTimes]

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Marky Ramone Plays It Safe With Signature Brand of Condoms

Marky Ramone, long-time drummer of The Ramones and one of the last remaining survivors, is readying the release of a new “safer sex” kit in conjunction with prophylactic peddlers Ready two Go. Housed in a black or silver metal tin with the Marky Ramone emblem—well technically derived from The Ramones presidential logo—printed on the front and the tagline “Too Tuff To Break,” the kit comes complete with two Lifestyle condoms, lubricant, and a STD resource card (whatever the hell that is). Once empty, the tin makes for the perfect stash box for cigarettes, drugs, and other items that could kill you. Bonus: every 1,000th tin comes with a free pair of Marky Ramone signature Vic Firth Drum Sticks!

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