Ever since John McCain selected Sarah Palin as his Hail Mary running mate, she’s been a treasure chest of entertainment inspiration, comedic relief and controversy. When their ride to the White House crashed, she stuck to her personal maverickness—burning bridges and blazing her own path in the pursuit of attention. Her new ghostwritten bestseller, Going Rogue, digs its literary nails into all her perceived enemies like an insecure disgraced cheerleader enraged at her ex-teammates.

Surely, most politicians possess a level of egotistical self-importance, but Palin displays a unique disregard for public service, her family and former colleagues. Her willingness to blurt out whatever talking point is politically advantageous shades any minuscule shred of credibility she retained following the election. She’s just trying to get paid. To zero in on her leadership style, here’s some of her most rogue moments…  

Resigns As Governor
• With over a year left in her first term as Alaska’s Governor, Palin spontaneously resigned and gave up her only remote qualification for seeking higher office. The former point guard compared her decision to making a pass in a basketball game, but it was more like faking an injury in the playoffs. Deep down, she wanted to play one-on-one in the rogue league.

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Claims Aids Forbid Her From SNL
• Palin devotes considerable time in her book trashing her former colleagues. One of the many accusations surrounded SNL and its infamous mockery of the self-proclaimed hockey mom. In Going Rogue, she accuses campaign aides of dissuading her from appearing on the show to display her mature sense of humor. Campaign manager, Steve Schmidt, who looks like Dr. Evil, responded with emails that claim the exact opposite was true. *Yawn* I mean, despite Palin’s penchant for pathological lying, it’s equally ridiculous to accept information from McCain’s cronies as truthful.

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Attacks Katie Couric
• If there was a watershed moment that exposed Palin’s lack of education, it was hands-down the Katie Couric interview. Bad blood lingered between the two ever since, with both consistently taking shots at one another. So it’s no surprise that Palin’s book continues assaulting the CBS anchor and the rest of the “lamestream media”. While sitting down with Oprah, she whines for sympathy while bashing Couric for having the nerve to ask her what newspapers she reads. It’s pretty obvious that the experience left an indelible humiliation, if one reads between the lines.  

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Recants Family Vote Story
• When she’s not stabbing old colleagues in the back or lambasting “gotcha” journalists, the mother of five admits that she doesn’t really listen to her family. Even more disturbing, she apparently flat-out lied during the campaign about holding a good ‘ol fashioned family vote to decide if she should accept the VP nomination. It’s all about Sarah. For whatever reason, Palin now claims that her kids had no voice in the decision to be paraded on TV as the folksy American family. Oops, too late guys.

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Supports Racial Profiling
• Many pundits clearly speculate that Palin’s rogue campaign is foreshadowing her possible run in 2012. Despite obvious hurdles, it would be naive to dismiss her potential appeal considering that Americans elected Bush twice. To get an idea of what sort of policies she would condone, Palin gives a revealing interview to Sean “I’d leave my wife for you, Sarah” Hannity. While discussing the Fort Hood massacre, Palin goes rogue on civil rights, throwing her full support behind outright profiling. But, fortunately, it’ll take a lot more than book sales to implement Sarah Palin’s creepy America.

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Is it a full moon that’s driving young girls crazy? Nah, just a Twilight: New Moon. The new vamps and werewolves flick is making fans hormonally insane, just like the original Twilight film did in 2008. Over the last few years, the franchise’s star Robert Pattinson has gotten it the worst, dodging a mini-riot at an autograph session and taxis on the streets of NYC while running from his crazed fans. His co-stars Taylor Lautner and Kristen Stewart have caught their share of craziness too: last week in Brazil, 2,000 fans stormed their hotel and tried to rush their rooms before they were ultimately subdued by riot police.

It’s all proof that teenage girls are too imbalanced to be right in the head. It’s not like this should be news to any of us, either. This shit has been going on longer than Kotex has been easing girls’ transition into womanhood. Check out some of the crazier ways fans have showed their appreciation for the stars they love…

WHO:B5
WHEN: 2005
WHERE: Minnesota
FRENZY: A free, radio-station-sponsored concert at the Brookdale Center Mall turned ugly when fans, outnumbering security 2,000 to 10, climbed onto stage and tackled Diddy’s boy band. Four people were taken to hospitals and five more had minor injuries treated at the mall. We can only imagine how many mall employees’ ears were hurt by B5.

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WHO: Frank Sinatra
WHEN: 1944
WHERE: New York City
FRENZY: Capitalizing on Frankie Blue Eyes’ popularity, the 3,500-person capacity Paramount Theater booked him for several back-to-back shows. When the shrieking chicks in the first show refused to leave, the 30,000-plus shrieking chicks outside went ape shit, sparking “The Columbus Day Riot.” Police had to be called in, but that wasn’t the end of the fuckery. Some of Sinatra’s obsessed fans reportedly sat through dozens of his performances consecutively without food and fainted while others had to be dragged out of the venue by ushers.

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WHO: ‘N Sync
WHEN: 2000
WHERE: New York City
FRENZY: While the group’s No Strings Attached LP was bending the Backstreet Boys over, JT and the crew made an appearance at MTV’s Total Request Live. It was normal to have a crowd outside the building during a taping, but so many devotees showed up for ‘N Sync that they shut down Times Square. The terrorists win again.

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WHO: The Beatles
WHEN: 1964
WHERE: New York City
FRENZY: The Beatles’ first appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show is considered the start of the British Invasion of the U.S., but the assault was all American. Throughout the three shows, hysterical young women screamed and cried, making it difficult to even hear the band. During the taping of the second of their three shows, a throng of fans prevented the band from getting on stage until police wedged them apart. Hence the mania in Beatlemania.

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WHO: Zac Efron
WHEN: NA
WHERE: NA
FRENZY: Once, at a premiere, a barrier broke and his fans rushed the star and grabbed him up, pulling him in every direction. Security was able to break him free and calm the situation, but when Efron got home and took off his shirt he discovered that a fingernail was stuck in his back. Kinky. (Note: This may be why he’s letting his wax figure make appearances for him now.)

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WHO: Michael Jackson
WHEN: 1964-2009
WHERE: Everywhere
FRENZY: There are way too many incidents of MJ causing people to lose their minds to cite just one. Peep this montage to see how far flung his frenzies were. The King of (making it) Pop will never be dethroned.

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After over 30 years of association with CNN, Lou Dobbs resigned his post yesterday as in-house xenophobe, and will now most likely head over to FOX. While unsurprising, it’s not entirely clear what closed the deal for his pink slip. Perhaps it was the continual calls for his ouster by opponents, or maybe it was the gun shots fired at his New Jersey home last month. Whatever the case, adios, cabrón!

The patronizing pseudo-journalist built his recent career around fomenting fear and hatred towards “illegal” undocumented workers who probably helped supply many of the fruits and vegetables he ate in his 300-acre upscale horse farm. While identifying himself as part of the conveniently-ambiguous “independent” political movement, it was clear that Lou “I’m married to a Latina, so I can’t be racist” Dobbs, was dealing with anger issues as an aging white man clinging to the good ol’ days. So, to celebrate his overdue departure, here’s a look at some of the events leading up to his exit…

Calls Opponents Out Of Their “Cotton Picking Mind”
• Although Dobbs dedicated much of his program to bashing Mexican immigrants, the Texas native couldn’t shake some of his good ol’ boy habits when referring to African-American political opponents. In a classic case of Freudian slips, he begins to racially slur Condi Rice before catching himself after realizing he was on national TV and not at the country club. Soon after, while speaking about Congressman Benny Thompson, he just couldn’t hold back.

Distorts Leprosy Reports
• To heighten his smear campaign, “Leprosy Lou” claims that over the past three years, there have been 7,000 cases of leprosy reported in the U.S. And guess what—it’s all from immigrants who cross the border illegally. When confronted by Lesley Stahl that he left a zero off that three, Lou Snobb retorts with a delusional self-righteousness typically reserved for Glenn Beck: “If we reported it, it’s a fact.” OK, guy.

Promotes Birther Movement
• Dobbs covered his territory of xenophobia well. When the birther movement gained coverage for suggesting President Obama was truly a foreign agent, Louie was intrigued. After continuing to propagate suspicions of Obama’s legitimacy, Dobbs defends the slimy conspiracy clan while reprimanding Roland Martin like a paternal fourth-grade teacher. FOH

Defends “Illegal Alien” Halloween Costume
• Lou was outraged that his “ethno-centric” opponents would protest an “illegal alien” Halloween costume that included an orange jump suit, green card and alien mask. Never mind the fact the over 700 Mexicans died in 2008 trying to cross the border into America, Dobbs thinks that the costume is funny. Reality show idea: Lou and his caller from San Bernardino work in the fields wearing the costume for 8 weeks—the winner is awarded a job with minimum wage.

Gets His Crib Shot Up
• This wasn’t the first time that Lou and his wife were involved in gunplay, as his boo was once busted for trying to smuggle a loaded handgun onto a flight at Newark Airport.  However, it’s not everyday that political commentators get their house tatted up with bullets. And whoever was trying to send a message apparently got through—Dobbs called it quits less than two weeks later. No comment.

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Michael Steele has a tough job. Clearly exploited by Republicans for his assumed appeal to a diverse populace, the RNC Chairman is consistently mocked by both sides of the aisle. With a long history of GOP service, the son of a military man is now on the front lines of the GOP’s image makeover. And it’s ugly out there. His awkward attempt to co-opt “hip-hop slang”—such as referring to Obama’s stimulus plan as “bling bling“—has been embarrassing, if not offensive.

But that’s not to say he lacks any supporters. Even Mike Tyson, who was once married to Steele’s sister, considers him a long-time friend and once offered to literally fight on his behalf. And with some GOP victories in Tuesday’s election—most notably, governorships in Virginia and New Jersey—Steele was feeling himself. Now with chatter of possibly running against Obama in 2012, it’s important to get up to speed with Steele’s most recent nail-on-the-chalkboard moments…

Expresses His Admiration For Hip-Hop
• After the outpouring of support for Obama from the hip-hop community, the RNC just wanted to be down. Steele, who has been an active Republican since 1975, simultaneously tries to big up the culture for breaking down stereotypes while at the same time assuming that every black rapper is from the PJs. Chuck D’s response: don’t believe the hype.

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Apologizes To Rush Limbaugh
• As Steele was fighting for respect from Chuck D and D.L. “Can’t We All Just Get Along” Hughley, he threw some shots at Rush “The Liability” Limbaugh. After the right-wing power elite reminded Steele that he was merely a puppet, reduced to micro-managed talking points, he issued a humiliating apology. Although his recanting was indeed embarrassing, this mockery from the Morning Joe staff is its own cause for some vomit-a-little-in-my-mouth action. Oh, now you’re a “moderate,” Scarborough?    

   
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Shouts Out “Slum Love” To Bobby Jindal
• Not only does Steele continue to show his level of cultural ineptitude, but he exposes himself as an easily impressionable guy who will say almost anything to make people feel more comfortable. Professional weirdo Curtis Sliwa—most known for surviving an alleged hit by John Gotti Jr.—eggs him into a racist shout-out to fellow Republican Bobby Jindal. Steele takes the bait, and what follows: *shivers*

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Says GOP Will Attract Minorities With “Fried Chicken”
• Nothing caused more backlash to the RNC head honcho than this clip of him speaking on minority recruitment tactics. While addressing a group of young Republicans, the grandson of South Carolinian sharecroppers jokes that he’ll attract voters with fried chicken and potato salad—then quickly invokes Abe Lincoln. Yikes!

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Assumes The Heisman Position
• Following some GOP victories in this week’s elections, Steele was quick to throw out the humble pie and impersonate a certain college-football trophy. Whoa there, champ. With a knack for these outbursts, let’s hope he does get that Republican nomination in 2012.     

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***BONUS:

Steele Wins Rap Battle Against Steve Colbert
• The editing on Steele’s verse is classic.

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It’s been an embarrassing month for Rush Limbaugh: rejected by the NFL; humiliated for running with a false story about President Obama’s “thesis”; even clowned by Dr. Dre. And I’m sure there’s more to come. Limbaugh’s multi-million dollar ascent is proof that hate-mongering is a lucrative business. As a rapper once said, “f*ck livin’ positive, cause negativity spreads faster” . But with Racist Rush’s profile as high as ever, it’s only a matter of time before his stumbles make him fall off into the world of disregarded crackpots. To get up to speed, here’s some of Limbaugh’s biggest L’s…

Gets Embarrassed As A Guest Host, 1990
After moving from Sacramento to start a new radio show in NYC, the Missouri-native drew notice from The New York Times as his  conservative rants grew in popularity. Pat Sajack, a long-time Republican supporter, allowed the young Limbaugh to guest host his short-lived talk-show. Things didn’t go so well. A group of pro-choice activists infiltrated the audience, and what would follow – a priceless moment in television.

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Fired From ESPN After Racist Comments, September 2003
Limbaugh tried to go mainstream, but the racism inside was just too deep. Only a few weeks into his stint as an ESPN commentator, he has a redneck convulsion attack. Too disgusted to accept that one of the league’s top quarterbacks wasn’t a white man, Limbaugh removes his clan hood to the dismay of his colleagues. Ruh-roh.

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Admits Addiction To Painkillers, October 2003
After years of advocating strict sentences for drug offenders, the hypocritical Limbaugh was forced into rehab after his former housekeeper outed him for pill addiction, which he purchased illegally. Chances are, their conversation went something like, “Is you rollin’?” “B*tch I might be.”

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Critiziced By Republican Vet For “Operation Chaos”, April 2009
You know you’re on the far far right, when your conservative fan base starts calling you brainwashed. During the primaries, Rush launched “Operation Chaos”, which encouraged his GOP listeners to register as Democrats and vote for Hillary to disrupt the Democratic Convention. It was a FAIL. After Obama’s presidential success, a veteran calls in to express his disgust for Limbaugh’s twisted tactics and prolonged support for torture. Limbaugh’s response: “No, you’re brainwashed!” *Pops OxyContin*  

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Loses NFL Bid Due To Controversy, October 2009
Money can’t buy you love, and in some cases, a pro football team. Despite his exorbitant wealth, the league voted against his bid to purchase the St. Louis Rams and build an “All-Limbaugh Dream Team”. Well, it’s good to see democracy as a check and balance to financial power. Now about that Mayor’s race…

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Falls For College Thesis Hoax, October 2009
Just as Rush was licking his wounds after getting sacked, he swears he stumbles on a come-up to further blame “Obama’s America”. Relying on an unsourced blogger who mistook an intentional joke as fact, Limbaugh went it. Referring to the Prez as “a little boy”, Rush essentially accuses Obama of having Bill Ayers write his term paper, exposing his true beliefs as a radical. When humiliated mid-show that his evidence was bunk, Rush doesn’t care. After all, who needs credibility when your ratings keep soaring.  

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In 1996, shortly after Republicans took control of Congress, new draconian immigration laws were enforced that encourage authorities to deport convicted criminals to their native country, even if the individual is a legal resident. The law is xenophobic at its core. In fact, US-born citizens are five times as likely to go to prison than those born elsewhere. But after 9/11, the deportation frenzy intensified. In total, over 700,000 immigrants have been removed from the States since 1997, even for misdemeanor offenses or basic civil immigration violations.

The U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency (ICE) runs their own detainment facilities, which are often outsourced to private companies who have a financial incentive to keep the beds filled. And while inhumane conditions are rampant, coverage is rarely given due to its low-profile residents. But the recent case of celebrity rapper, Shyne—born in Belize but raised in Brooklyn—has pushed the immigration dilemma to the fore-front of pop-culture dialogue. Shyne isn’t the first celebrity to face threats of deportation. Here’s a brief look back…

Marcus Garvey, 1927
The Feds always had their eye on Garvey, looking for a loophole to deport him from the States. After he founded the Universal Negro Improvement Association and made headlines by speaking to 25,000 people at Madison Square Garden, his critics intensified their plot. In November 1919, authorities charged Garvey with mail fraud surrounding his Black Star Line shipping corporation. While there were some accounting irregularities within the company, it was clearly a politically-motivated case. He was convicted and spent two years of a five-year sentence before being deported to Jamaica where he continued his international movement. 

Paul McCartney, 1980
Sir Paul McCartney has been a stoner for quite some time. While passing through customs in Tokyo, officials found over seven ounces of weed in his luggage. Damn, homie. His celebrity status spared him from a potential seven-year bid, but he spent 10 days in the Tokyo bing before deportation back to England. He was again arrested for weed possession in 1984.

Charlize Theron, 1994
The South African actress had a hectic upbringing. A year after witnessing her mother shoot her abusive father to death, Theron won a local modeling competition and got to travel abroad. While in the US, she produced a documentary called East Of Havana, which criticized America’s relations with Cuba. She later claimed that her involvement with the piece landed her on the government’s enemies-list and she was subsequently deported back home at age 19. Theron eventually become a US citizen in 2007.

Slick Rick, 2002
After serving over five years in prison for attempted murder, The Ruler faced another 11-year battle against threats of deportation to his native England. The US authorities had been obsessively on his trail and eventually nabbed him in 2002 when he boarded a docked Caribbean cruise ship. Despite spending a year in a Florida INS facility, deportation lingered over his head until NY Gov. Paterson issued a rare unconditional pardon. “We don’t cause trouble, we don’t bother nobody.”

Yusuf Islam, 2004
The artist formerly known as Cat Stevens was on a plane from his hometown, London, to Washington, where he planned to meet Dolly Parton. While in flight, custom agents alerted authorities that his name popped up on the murky no-fly list. Fearing that the creator of “Peace Train” was in fact a violent terrorist, the plane was diverted to Maine and he was immediately deported back to the UK. After diplomatic protests, and even a successful libel case against British tabloids, the British singer was eventually allowed back into the US.

Shyne, 2009
This is foul. Just when the former-Bad Bay artist thought he was returning home after serving nine years, the ICE moved in to prolong his ordeal. Similar to the Slick Rick case, officials are thirsty to make an example of the Brooklyn-raised rapper and send him back to his birth nation. Despite pleas from Belize’s Prime Minister, who also happens to be his dad, it looks like Shyne may have more hurdles to jump before he re-enters the land of the “free”. 

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Of course, Balloon Boy’s parents weren’t the first people to pull one over on us, then eventually get caught in their lies. Check out more sensational publicity hoaxes after the jump…

GRAVY
When: 2006
Hoax: Wannabe Brooklyn rapper Gravy, né Jamal Woolard, got shot in the ass by a “hater” outside the Hot97 studios before a Funkmaster Flex radio spot. He’s so hood that he did the show immediately afterwards, even as his ass was leaking gravy.
Reality/Fallout: Police soon discovered that the shooter was one of Gravy’s own boys who was upset that he wasn’t allowed to sit in on the interview and Hot97 soon banned dude’s records. We’ve seen skinemax flicks that are more hardcore than this fuckery.

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LOVE & CONSEQUENCES
When: 2008
Hoax: Author Margaret B. Jones, a.k.a. Margaret Seltzer, writes a memoir about her traumatic upbringing in a black foster home in South Central Los Angeles and following her black foster brothers into the gang life.
Reality/Fallout: After Margaret’s sister read an article about her in The New York Times and immediately called Seltzer’s publisher to out her, the author admitted the memoir was a fabrication. Girlfriend grew up in Sherman Oaks, Cali and went to private school. Tragically she hasn’t been forced to go through an gang initiation beatdown for her fabrications.

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TOURIST GUY
When: Internet photos surfaced shortly after 9/11, 2001
Hoax: The photo was believed to be taken from a camera found in the WTC debris, depicting this tourist having his photo snapped as the first plane is flying into the tower, obviously killing him off in the process.
Reality/Fallout: The photo was originally shot in 1997 by a 25-year-old Hungarian man named Péter Guzli who initially edited the plane into the photo for a few friends, not realizing he’d become an internet celeb, and the “Where’s Waldo?” of our generation.

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A MILLION LITTLE PIECES
When: 2005/06
Hoax: This “memoir” described author James Frey’s battle with drug and alcohol addiction, and criminal record. The book was made famous when Oprah featured it in her Book Club selections and had Frey on the show to talk about his “struggles.”
Reality/Fallout: After The Smoking Gun went hunting for a mug shot and couldn’t find one—or any criminal record at all—shit started to fall apart for Frey. Real humiliation came when Oprah had him back on her show and spent a good part of the hour BLASTING him and his publisher for lying and basically making her look bad. Nobody but Empress Oprah and her Keebler elves are allowed to do that.

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JT LeROY
When: 1996-2005
Hoax: JT LeRoy became a famous author known for his dramatic life story of prostitution, drug addiction, and vagrancy in California, eventually doing public appearances and chillin’ with the stars in huge blonde wigs and big sunglasses.
Reality/Fallout: LeRoy was actually American writer Laura Albert, and his public impersonator was Savannah Knoop, the half-sister of Albert’s then partner, Geoffrey Knoop. In 2007, Albert was convicted of fraud for signing her character’s name to legal documents. She may not have been a male prostitute, but she certainly fucked a lot of paying customers.

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When seeking public office, there’s always the potential of screw-ups that result in grueling embarrassment for the entire family. It comes with the territory. While I’ve touched on the subject of male politicians who engage in extra-curricular smashing, I’ve yet to explore the other side of the coin: embarrassments by the wife. While few and far between, there is a history of First Ladies— most recently Maria Shriver who was caught talking on her cellphone while driving twice in California this week—who have made their governing husbands blush. Although Shriver is the latest, here’s a few more examples of when first ladies embarrass their politician spouses…

5. Winnie Mandela, South Africa, 1991
• Winnie’s had a tough life. As one of the more controversial political figures in South Africa, she’s had her share of legal complications. Although never officially First Lady of South Africa, Ms. Mandela was still married to Nelson when he became President in 1991. Shortly after his election, Ms. Mandela was charged as an accomplice in the death of 14-year-old anti-Apartheid activist, Stompie Seipei. The young Seipei, who was accused by activists of working as an informant, was kidnapped, tortured and killed allegedly at the hands of Winnie’s bodyguards. Despite a conviction, her sentence was reduced to a fine. Five years later, she officially divorced Nelson, who had accused her of adultery.
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4. Leila Ben Ali, Tunisia, 2008
• When Tunisia’s investigative journalists bloggers tracked the President’s airplane mileage, records showed an extensive itinerary of flights to Paris, Milan, Geneva and elsewhere. One problem: he wasn’t on the plane. It turned out that his wife, a former hairdresser, was a bit of a high-end shopaholic. While she never issued a formal statement regarding the matter, we’re waiting on her collaborative t-shirt: Expensive Taste x Poor Taste.
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3. Mari Culver, Iowa, 2008
• Shortly after Iowa’s Governor, Chet Culver, passed a law banning cigarette smoke in public places, his wife was seen puffing on a loosie in a state-owned vehicle. She apologized for the hypocritical act, paid a $50 fine and probably went out back to light up another cig from all the stress. Now about that marijuana bill…
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2. Lucy Kibaki, Kenya, 2009
• The wife of Kenyan president Mwai Kibaki has had her moments of political turbulence. While once embroiled in controversy after slapping a journalist for covering a protest, she is most recently in the midst of a price-fixing dispute surrounding corn, referred to in Kenya as “maize”. Apparently, the government uses public funds to purchase a “Strategic Reserve” from local farmers to be used in times of famine. With 10 million Kenyans facing starvation, it was time to break open the stash. Well, unfortunately, one million bags were missing. Members of Parliament accused Ms. Kibaki of selling the reserve supply to foreign brokers, creating an artificial shortage and, therefore, driving up the price. The First Family released a statement in her defense claiming that the allegations were merely a distraction to the core issues of food availability.
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1. Maria Shriver, California, 2009
• It’s not everyday that a state Governor thanks TMZ via Twitter – especially only days after introducing a bill that could fine paparazzi up to 50K for photographing celebs engaged in “personal activities”. But when pictures surfaced of Ted Kennedy’s niece blabbing on her celly while behind the wheel, her action-film husband had no choice but to promise to take “swift action”. She apologized, donated her disgraced mobile device and, I assume, upgraded.
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According to reports, 71-year-old Madoff floored a fellow inmate after getting into it about the state of the stock market! Sure, it’s not an Aryan Brotherhood blood vendetta or enlisting the other guy into sexual servitude, but it sounds fucking jailish to us. It’s tough enough for the average Joe to survive prison without ended up in a scene straight out of American History X, but it’s a given that anyone with celebrity is gonna have to knuckle up from time to time; after all, “famous and scraped” > “anally raped.” So in a nod to Badass Bernie and his combative compatriots, here’s a brief history of other celebrity prison fights…

JEFFREY DAHMER
• When: November 28, 1994
• Where: Columbia Correctional in Portage, Wisconsin
• Result: Dahmer was ethered by another murder inmate after being beaten over the head with a bar weight in the gym. And by “ethered,” we mean “killed.” Damn, guess Wisconsin has the death penalty after all!

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ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.
• When: February 13, 1998
• Where: Los Angeles County Jail
• Result: While serving time for a parole violation, Downey got into a scrap with a fellow inmate, receiving cuts to the nose. We’re guessing that back then Downey would have landed the TKO if you put an eight ball between the two of them.

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GUCCI MANE
• When: September 20, 2005
• Where: Fulton County Jail in Atlanta, Georgia
• Result: According to Gucci’s lawyer, the iced-out Bart wearer was hit five or six times in the face, leaving him with bruises and cuts. And certain individuals affiliated with certain rappers whose name may or may not rhyme with “Mung Breezy” had absolutely nothing to do with it. Allegedly.

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FOXY BROWN
• When: October 16, 2007
• Where: Rikers Island
• Result: Based on reports, it was a minor scuffle resulting in no injuries. Typical cat fight. Damn, Fox Boog, we thought BK went hard. Ya heard? Oh…ya didn’t. Sorry about that.

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ALLEN STANFORD
• When: September 24, 2009
• Where: Joe Corley Detention Facility in Conroe, Texas
• Result: After a brawl last month, the financier—yes, another Ponzi perpetrator—suffered a concussion and had to be hospitalized. His investing victims can find some solace in knowing this asshole’s head was bashed in a bit. Not that it gets their life savings back, but it’s a start.

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BERNIE MADOFF
• When: October 12, 2009
• Where: Federal Correctional Complex in Butner, North Carolina
• Result: Despite early reports of Madoff landing a punch to his fellow inmate’s face, it was only a shove to the ground with a “menacing stare” afterward. He DOES talk tough and he DOES do TOUGH THINGS. (Wall) Streets is watching, bitches.

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In other countries, however, blackface still has contemporary cultural relevancy. Korean recording artists “Bubble Sisters” released an album which showcased the group with their faces painted in black on the cover, and Japanese toy maker Sanrio at one point produced Bibinba, a small action figure with features easily attributable to blackface. And most recently, a group of white Australian performers performed a sketch mimicking/mocking the Jackson 5. Shake.Our.Heads. Complex looks at some of the other controversial foreign blackface moments…

Jackson Jive, Australia
• This clip from Australia’s long-running variety show Hey Hey Saturday Night is both wrong (as in ridiculously foul) and wrong (as in just plain incorrect). “We Are Family” ain’t a Jackson 5 song and—maybe it’s just us—but it looks like there are six douchebags on stage. Whatever, guess the toilets aren’t the only things that run backwards down there.

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Louis Armstrong Skit, Korea
• To be fair, great jazz artists performed in Asia and Europe back in the day because they couldn’t make a living in America, but just ’cause you love something don’t mean you have to imitate it exactly. Although this clip makes us suggest the performer try on a Kurt Cobain impression.

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Louis Armstrong Impersonator, Japan
• Again with the Louis Armstrong imitators. A word of advice to all would-be Satchmos the world over—why not make like your hero and die?

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Don’t Give a Damn Hong Kong
• Really, where to start with this one? The blackface is one thing, but the dialogue is on a whole ‘nother level. “Rob once and rape twice every 6 seconds”? Damn, dem’s some tired New York Negroes!

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Darkie Day, England
• The name in itself is enough to make any American person cringe, but the people of Cornwall claim this celebration also known as Mummer’s Day and does not have racist undertones. Right, well we went ahead and fucked your ugly mummer just in case.

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News Anchor, Turkey
• According to the translated version of the clip, the anchor has been told that he looks like President Obama and is referring to an old Turkish saying: “One who asks for a favor has a dark face, but the one who does not grant him that favor is a black guy.” Which reminds us of the old American saying: “They who name their country after poultry may find their heads chopped off come Thanksgiving.”

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The release of Michael Moore’s controversial new film Capitalism: A Love Story marks the 20th anniversary of his work in muckraker documentary filmmaking. Whether you agree with his beliefs or not, Moore is clearly the king of pop-political exposés, converting hot-button social issues into blockbuster hits that have grossed over $300 million. His personal financial success is often used by critics as signs of his hypocrisy: “How can you be mad at a system that’s made you rich?!” Ah, the contradictions of inequality. So to put Moore’s newest film into perspective, here’s a look back at some of his greatest hits…

Roger & Me, 1989
Moore’s debut piece introduced the world to his hometown, Flint, Michigan, and its relationship with General Motors. And shortly after the film’s release, the hip-hop world received a classic record from one of Flint’s natives—the late MC Breed. RIP.

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Wallet Exchange From “The Awful Truth”, 1999
After making a few more films in the ’90’s, Moore experimented with television, producing ”The Awful Truth,” a two-year show on Bravo financed by Britain’s Channel 4. In this segment, Moore brings attention to law enforcement’s apparent inability to distinguish between guns and wallets, following the brutal killing of Amadou Diallo. 41 shots. SMH.

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Visits Charlton Heston In “Bowling For Columbine”, 2002
In what was one of the most climactic moments in Moore’s comeback smash-hit, the late Charlton Heston is caught out there looking a little, shall we say racist? Moore doesn’t fail to mention that the NRA, which Heston presided over, was founded the same year that the KKK was outlawed, 1871. What a coinkidink.

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Halliburton Scene, Farenheit 9/11, 2004
There was a certain energy in the air when this film was first released that was unlike any recent moment in pop-culture. Moore was really channeling the frustration from what seemed like the obvious deception that strong-armed the country into war. Despite the scathing exposé, including this jaw-dropping clip of blatant cronyism, Bush still got re-elected. Good grief.

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Crashes RNC, 2004
The GOP was clearly a little concerned by the cultural impact of Moore’s work. Here, John “Maverick” McCain, calls him out at the Republican National Convention. Moore had officially arrived.

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Moore vs. Wolf Blitzer, 2007
After the release of Moore’s attack on the health-care biz, he was ambushed on Wolf Blitzer’s show with a CNN report attempting to discredit his health care critique. Moore turns the heat up on the pharmaceutical-funded station and eventually gets a second showdown with Sanjay “I Was Almost Surgeon General” Gupta.

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Moore vs. Wolf Blitzer, 2009 PT 1, and PT 2.
Never ones to shy away from ratings, Moore circles back to CNN’s in-house yuppie to debate the politics behind his latest film about Capitalism. After hearing enough, Blitzer gets right to the point: “Are you a Socialist? I’ll just ask the question.” Moore: “I’m a Christian. And I’m a heterosexual too, if you wanna know that.” 

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In 2006, the elite members-only economic club decided to expand their group from 8 leaders to 20. Basically, it’s no longer 8 countries that are selling all the records, and the new indie contenders want a seat at the VMAs, so to speak. To date, the G20 has had four meetings and it’s not entirely clear what gets accomplished considering that the globe now faces its worst recession since World War II. Their most recent gathering occurred in Pittsburgh last week and the only concrete results seemed to be: keep an eye on bank bonuses, avoid “protectionism” and have a photo shoot.

Interestingly, they refused to set salary caps on financial players, unlike the NBA. Great. But public anger is growing and spilling into the streets. Despite having various agendas and beliefs, all protesters have one common goal—get attention. Like their bureaucratic targets, it’s also not entirely clear what gets accomplished with these protests, other than a whole lot of confrontation. In case you missed what’s been going down, here’s some clips…

Police Attack Demonstrators, Australia, 2006
• Say what you want about the dancing, costume-laden protesters banging on pots and pans, but the police response was pretty intense.

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Police Fire Rubber Bullets & Tear Gas At Students, Pittsburgh, Sept 2009
• Apparently, the cops felt threatened by Pitt’s Class of ‘09. At the same time, there were several instances of “Anarchists” turning up the intensity throughout the day. One thing in common with cops and Anarchists at protests: they both hide their faces. Jeff Monson, is that you?

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Protester Detained By Military Personnel, Pittsburgh, Sept 2009
• More questions than answers in this creepy clip.

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Riot Outside Of Bank Of London, April 2009
• When the G20 met in London this past April, the confrontations got heated. This roof-top view shows police and rioters going at it. It didn’t end there.

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Police Brutality Causes Death Of Ian Tomlinson, London, April 2009
• The level of aggression inflicted by Scotland Yard ultimately led to the death of Ian Tomlinson, who was in fact just a  bystander. This clip was released days after the police assault, when subsequent public pressure forced an investigation.

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Anytime you convene the bosses of the world’s nations, there’s gonna be sparks. Whether it was Yasser Arafat supposedly bringing a gun to his debut speech or Slobodan Milosevic referring to the UN Court as a “retarded child“, it’s been a hotbed for hotheads. Clearly the UN has considerable flaws and at times has dropped the ball when it needed to stop genocide or prevent unnecessary wars. But at the end of the day, it’s probably safer to have a body where leaders can try to verbally air out their differences rather than see each other on the battlefield.

However, let’s face it: the UN tends to favor Western nations and its allies. I’m not going to get into the specifics, but it’s not coincidental that when certain world leaders give inflammatory speeches, they tend to be from countries that the West deems suspicious. Alas, a look back…

5. Nikita Kruschev, 1960
Although there were a lot of issues going on, Kruschev was mainly unhappy with how the UN intervened in the newly-independent Congo. The former-Belgium territory was on the brink of civil war and was an epicenter of international power struggles – even Che was out there getting it in. Kruschev called for the resignation of the UN Secretary General, Dag Hammarskjold, but got played out by the rest of the council. Not feeling the response, he pounded his fists in what was the first documented violation of UN protocol.

4. Zulifiqar Ali Bhutto, 1971
Pakistan’s President, and father of the late Benazir Bhutto, was salty with what he perceived as the UN’s favoritism towards India. Rather than submit to UN demands and risk political repercussions at home, he ripped up some Security Council documents and stormed out.

3. Hugo Chavez, 2006
Venezuela’s controversial leader never did like Bush. The day after Dubya gave his whoopty-whoop speech, Chavez called him out as a “devil” in front of his international peers. In this clip, ABC News reports on the episode and is clearly dumbfounded by the general assembly’s reaction of jubilation.

2. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, 2009
The creepy Iranian President has a history of going hard at Israel every time he grabs the mic. This speech was no exception. As soon as he turns it up, dozens of European delegates walk out in demonstration. Not a good look.

1. Muammar Al-Qadhafi, 2009
Qadhafi is an interesting one. Yesterday, he made his first U.N. appearance after 40 years in power and delivered a lengthy speech that simultaneously patronized President Obama as his “son”, while condemning the war in Iraq. But he didn’t stop there. Libya’s nuclear-powered head of state referred to the committee as the “terror council”, called for the investigation of all the wars that have occurred on the U.N.’s watch, and suggested that the swine flu was a governmental creation. And FOX News’ summary: he loves Obama!

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In recent weeks, some of Obama’s opponents – in the legislature, media and the streets – have been escalating their criticism to the point of outright racism. There’s no question that we’re in some of the toughest economic times in memory; and history shows that fiscal distress often incites the ignorant populace to seek out scapegoats. Those leading the hate-mongering flock tend to do so out of career opportunism and a lust for power. While it’s tempting to ignore and brush-off these inflammatory critics as simple “haters”, it’s important to call them out, because rhetoric can lead to violence. I mean, they could tell the people they roll with whatever they want, but you and I know what’s going on. Here’s a rundown of some of the most outlandish fuckery hurled at Mr. 44…

5. RNC Chairman Candidate Releases “Puff The Magic Negro”
Shortly after Obama was elected to office, the Republican National Committee began searching for a new leader. One candidate, Chip Saltsman – a Tennessee-native and campaign manager for Mike Huckabee – sent out a racist compilation CD to his GOP colleagues entitled: “We Hate The USA”. In addition to songs such as “The Star Spanglish Banner”, the bigotry-laced album included “Puff The Magic Negro”, which was written by Saltsman’s good friend, Paul Shanklin. Always at the forefront of racist taste-making, Rush “Pain Killer” Limbaugh, broke the record on his show, declaring it “brilliant”. The RNC then proceeded to elect Michael Steele as chairman, the first African-American to hold the post. “You see, we’re not racist!”
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4. The “Birthers” Movement
It’s not entirely clear who actually started the “birther” movement, but it’s been repeatedly defended by Liz Cheney, Lou Dobbs and other mainstream right-wingers. Basically, these racist xenophobes challenge Obama’s Presidential legitimacy, claiming that he was either born in Kenya or Indonesia and has a forged birth certificate. Just yesterday, a judge tossed out the latest attempt by the birther’s legal team to discredit the Commander-In-Chief’s authority. After scoffing at the evidence, Judge Land warned attorney, Orly Taitz, to check herself before she wrecked herself. I would go a step further and propose she chin-check herself.
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3. “Tea-Party” Protests
The “Tea-Party” protests have been filled with some of the most dangerous and ugly hate-filled attacks on Obama to date. A look at their typical protest signs alone are disturbing enough. But their sponsor, FOX News, helped to deceive the public by claiming that their latest march on Washington drew a crowd of millions. In fact it was about 70,000 people, which in itself is a cause for concern.
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2. Rush Limbaugh Defines “Obama’s America”
This is race-baiting 101. The King of Hate Radio, “Racist Rush”, turns it up a notch with this deeply incendiary accusation about “Obama’s America”. Just listen to his foul mouth warning that, “the white kids now get beat up with the black kids cheering.” Eew. He also mocks the sound of “black kids” egging on a fight. Keep in mind, Limbaugh has more than 13 million people listening, and recently signed a contract extension through 2016 that is worth over $400 million. Assuming that we’re in a supply and demand economy, it makes you wonder how many are in agreement.
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1. Joe Wilson Yells “You Lie!” At President Obama
In a move more suited for a politically dysfunctional banana republic, than say, a functioning democracy, Strom Thurmond’s mentee violated historical protocol and lashed out at Obama with the heckling heard ’round the world. Can you imagine the backlash that Democrats would have received if they spouted the same line at George “War President” Bush? It would have been treason. But apparently the Good ‘Ol Boys set different.

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It’s hard to believe that the psychologically unstable, Glenn Beck, was solely responsible for this week’s resignation of Van “Green Jobs” Jones. It’s because he wasn’t. In actuality, Beck was merely the talking-head propagandist for big oil companies, fearful that Jones might actually succeed at creating jobs with an alternative energy strategy.

But Beck played his position. Smearing progressives to the point of retreat is essentially FOX News’ mission statement. But has Beck transitioned from douche bag to dangerous? Pretty much. Here’s a look at some of his most unhinged moments that have surprisingly impacted Washington…

5. Cries For His Country Ratings
• Notice how after Beck evokes 9/11, he brings up military bases in Iraq. What was the connection, again?

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Pt. 1:
Pt. 2:

4. Gets Exposed And Roasted On The View
• Like nails on a chalkboard, Beck endures some cringe-worthy embarrassment stemming from his pathological lying. While entertaining, it truly exposes the depth of his twisted psychosis, which somehow has found a platform on mainstream television. Frightening.

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3. Calls President Obama A Racist
• What’s even weirder than Beck accusing the President of hating white people, is how his FOX colleagues try to challenge his accusation by simply listing off all the white people in Obama’s administration. Gee, clearly race never factors into these people’s daily judgments. WTF?

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2. Pours “Gasoline” On Symbolic Ideological Adversary
• Mad disturbing. What are you trying to provoke, Glenn? Seriously.

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1. Loses His Frickin’ Marbles On Radio Show
Key Moment:
• Wowzers. Beck’s Radio Meltdown > O’Reilly’s “Inside Edition” Temper Tantrum.

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5. Michael Fitzgibbon, Waldorf, MD, 1985
• Michael’s 15-year-old sister made a grave mistake when she asked her 14-year-old classmate, Tammy Lynn Giles, to babysit her 21-month-old brother. Giles inexplicably fled with Michael to Dallas, and the boy was found a few weeks later by authorities wandering the streets alone. To heighten the creepiness, social workers wound up initially returning Michael to his captor, believing that Giles was in fact the mother. Giles then left Michael in Dallas, moved to Pittsburgh and eventually turned herself in on the advice of her boyfriend. Michael was then reunited with his real mom, unharmed, after the six week ordeal.

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4. Dana, Ramzi & Samer Ariss, Beirut, Lebanon, 1988
• Wealthy Lebanese jeweler, Zuheir Ariss, endured every parent’s nightmare when his three kids were forcefully abducted from their chauffeur-driven Mercedes by gun-toting kidnappers. The gunmen demanded a $3 million ransom. After three days, the children were released, but their father never confirmed if a payment was delivered. The kids weren’t physically harmed but suffered from a redundant meal plan. Samer, 9, would later explain: “We had chicken for breakfast, lunch and dinner…I don’t want to see chicken for the rest of my life.”

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3. David and Sophia Akbar, Huddersfield, UK, 2002
• David and Sophia, both infants, found themselves in the middle of their parent’s messy divorce when their father, Mohammed Akbar, kidnapped them and relocated to Pakistan in 1982. Their mother spent the next 20 years searching for their whereabouts, retaining a Pakistani lawyer and making several trips to no avail. Eventually, Sophia, anxious to trace her roots, wrote several letters to various agencies until The Salvation Army identified the mother and re-connected the kin. Both David and Sophia eventually moved back to Britain.

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2. 78 of 25,000 Ugandan Children, Gulu, Uganda, 2002
• The Lord’s Resistance Army (LRA) is a North Ugandan-based rebel group that has been accused of kidnapping over 25,000 Ugandan children since 1987. These kids are often forced into servitude, military fighting and sexual slavery. Several international conferences over the years have attempted to force these children’s release. Very few return home. But in August 2002, the LRA released 78 detainees, 45 of whom were still children. The average age at the time of abduction is 13.

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1. Fan Yafang, Yunnan Province, China, 2009
• The diplomatic hoopla surrounding the recent release of two Current TV staff detained in North Korea, overshadowed the initial reason for their ventures to the region: to expose child trafficking. In April of this year, police in Wuhan City, China, launched an effort to crackdown on kidnappers who sell off children for profit. Twenty-five abducted kids – with ages ranging from 40 days to 5 years – were freed from captivity by authorities in June. One four-year-old girl, Fan, had been sold to a family four years ago for 8,300 yuan, which is about $1,220. Despite being released, many of these kids stay in railway police stations waiting to be reunited with their biological parents.

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5. Helped Manage J.F.K.’s Presidential Campaign, 1960
• Before Ted Kennedy endorsed Obama in hopes of shattering the racial glass ceiling for the Oval Office, he helped to break religious barriers with the election of his Catholic brother, John. While still in Law School, Ted served as Western states coordinator for the campaign, grinding hard in the streets of both Wisconsin and Wyoming. After those two highly-contested states went blue, he was largely credited with J.F.K.’s presidential victory.

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4. Delivers Moving Eulogy for Robert Kennedy, 1968
• Out of all members of the Kennedy clan, Ted was closest to his brother, Robert. So when assassins took the life of his anti-war sibling, Ted channeled his grief into inspiration. While the sadistic President Nixon was preparing to drop napalm on Vietnam citizens, Ted delivered one of his most well known speeches, urging Americans to carry on his brother’s legacy and fight for human rights. Ted concluded with a quote from Robert: “Some men see things as they are and say why. I dream things that never were and say why not.”

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3. Visited South Africa in Defiance of Apartheid Government, 1985
• Ted Kennedy was at the forefront of the anti-Apartheid movement. In direct defiance to South Africa’s racist government, Kennedy visited activists, Desmond Tutu and Winne Mandela, in Soweto to put the injustice on blast. Upon returning, Kennedy pushed for sanctions against South Africa, which eventually led to the Comprehensive Anti-Apartheid Act of 1986. President Reagan’s attempt to veto the act was a FAIL – marking the first time in the 20th century that a president had a foreign policy veto overridden.

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2. Blocked Robert Bork’s Appointment to the Supreme Court, 1987
• When President Reagan nominated the reactionary, Robert Bork, to the Supreme Court, Kennedy went innington. Bork held what’s referred to as an “originalist” judicial philosophy – basically meaning, do whatever the Founding Fathers wrote. Fearing that Bork would attempt to dismantle civil rights once confirmed, Kennedy spit a scathing diss speech on the Senate Floor that well exceeded 32 bars. Bork’s fan base was outraged but caught off guard and his nomination was soon ethered. In this clip, you can see current Supreme Court Justice, Sonia Sotomayor, in Kennedy’s entourage during the battle.

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1. Endorsed Senator Barack Obama for President, 2008
• While other heavyweight Democrats tip-toed around making an endorsement for the Democratic nomination, Ted Kennedy shook up the race by co-signing Obama for that #1 spot. In all fairness, Kennedy was one of only 23 Senators who voted against the 2001 invasion of Iraq and Hillary had voted for the war. The endorsement was a watershed moment in the campaign, intensifying Obama’s momentum to help him secure the nomination and go on to make world history. Thanks, Ted. R.I.P.

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However, their disturbing acts aren’t easily forgotten. Blackwater’s owner, Erik Prince, is a politically connected ex-Navy Seal who has been described by former employees as a Christian supremacist who viewed the Iraq war as a crusade against Islam. Well, that’s lovely. While Bush is hiding comfortably in his new Dallas mansion, his mercenary network is slowly feeling their power-binge hangover. To understand the magnitude of their behavior, here’s a rundown of the war crimes they have been accused of committing. Operation freedom, eh?

5. NISOUR SQUARE SHOOTING
On September 16, 2007, Blackwater personnel were escorting a caravan of U.S. diplomats to a meeting when the mercenaries opened gunfire on a group of Iraqi civilians, killing 17 people—including a woman and an infant. Blackwater claimed that they responded to an insurgent attack, but subsequent reports found that Blackwater and its staff of trigger-happy cowboys fired without provocation. Ringleader Paul Slough, along with four colleagues, were eventually charged with manslaughter and are awaiting trial. I’m sure it was an isolated incident.

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4. KILLED INTERNAL SNITCHES
After Blackwater realized that its aura of judicial invincibility was shattered, the owner, Erik Prince, sought damage control in the tradition of an organized crime boss. Sworn statements filed on August 3 by former Blackwater employees alleged that Prince not only destroyed incriminating evidence, but also murdered or facilitated the murder of Blackwater employees who cooperated with the federal investigation into their company. Grimey. The witnesses also claimed that Prince intentionally recruited racist Christian fundamentalists who pumped steroids, drank excessively, and blasted on civilians indiscriminately. But, y’know, the world is safer without Saddam, right?

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3. SMUGGLED ILLEGAL ARMS INTO IRAQ
Prince wasn’t satisfied with the lucrative governmental contracts awarded to Blackwater to fund their mass murder. He needed more dough. His private plane company, Presidential Airlines, illegally smuggled numerous weapons into Iraq hidden in bags of dog food. The weapons included sawed-off semi-automatic machine guns with silencers, and other tools for “freedom fighting”.

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2. PIMPED OUT IRAQI CHILD PROSTITUTES
Blackwater’s crime wave didn’t stop with murder. Operating like sadistic Bosnian warlords, the private security firm was also accused of pimping out Iraqi child prostitutes. What started out as tricking allegedly turned into exploiting, as Blackwater employees became more involved in the local sex trade. It didn’t help that two high-ranking Blackwater managers were previously involved in Kosovo sex trafficking.

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1. COLLABORATED WITH C.I.A IN ASSASSINATIONS
The C.I.A.’s relationship with Blackwater was extensive. Several former C.I.A. employees worked for the mercenary organization and the C.I.A. often trained at Blackwater’s North Carolina facility. So it’s no surprise that dating back to 2004, the C.I.A. recruited the vigilantes into their campaign to assassinate “members of Al Qaeda”. In addition to helping to organize and carryout illegal killings, Blackwater also helped set up secret prisons where they likely committed more acts of “freedom fighting“. But as the cloak of secrecy fades, these bloodthirsty “freedom fighters” are now hopefully fighting for their freedom.

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The myth of incarceration is that it rehabilitates, that it removes societal menaces for the general public’s well-being, and that it is a humane and effective approach to dealing with crime. It is not. America’s entire prison industry borders on cruel and unusual punishment. But the U.S. is not alone in its addiction to lock-down. Prison riots occur often throughout the world, sometimes with even more devastating outcomes. Here’s a look at some of the biggest prison riots in world history…


5. ATTICA PRISON RIOT; Attica, NY, 1971
Considered the deadliest prison riot in U.S. history, this four-day revolt left 43 people dead and cost the state tens of millions of dollars. Overcrowded conditions ignited the riot and inmates took control of the entire prison for the first day. Authorities then forced about 1,300 rioters to eventually retreat to an area in the exercise field, where they held ten prison guards hostage. Governor Rock-e-feller intensified the fight like Rumsfeld in ‘01, ordering authorities to respond with force. With 3,000 rounds of tear gas engulfing the exercise field, police fired like a Fallujah showdown, killing 39, including the ten hostages. “I’d open every cell in Attica send em to Africa…”
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4. NEW MEXICO STATE PENITENTIARY RIOT; Santa Fe, NM, 1980
In what was one of the more gruesome prison revolts in U.S. history, this 36-hour siege resulted in 33 inmate deaths, allegedly at the hands of other inmates. The prison was a ticking time-bomb. In addition to jam-packed conditions, prison guards routinely punished uncooperative inmates by labeling them as “snitches,” resulting in abuse from other prisoners. On Feb. 2, inmates took seven guards hostage, obtained a set of keys, and embarked on a prison-wide brawl. Reportedly, some prisoners found blow torches and used them on rival inmates, killing dozens. A negotiation process eventually brought the riot to a close. Despite talks, state officials refused to improve prison conditions out of spite. And the beat goes on…
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3. STRANGEWAYS PRISON RIOT; Manchester, England, 1990
This 25-day revolt is regarded as the longest riot in Britain’s history. Strangeways was notoriously overcrowded, with inmates housed three to a one-person cell. An organized riot erupted in the prison chapel on April Fool’s Day and inmates took over several areas, including the roof. Lengthy negotiations resulted in inmates agreeing to surrender in exchange for improved conditions. A subsequent government investigation concluded that Strangeways was indeed an inhumane facility and legislation was introduced to improve living standards.
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2. LUCASVILLE RIOT; Lucasville, Ohio, 1993
No prison riot in Ohio led to more reforms than the one that occurred here on Easter Sunday, 1993. With the prison population at 150% capacity, 450 inmates rioted for two weeks straight until hundreds of National Guardsmen quelled the revolt. Circumstances surrounding the riot’s cause are controversial, and the whole ordeal has been eyed as a possible Hollywood script. Seriously. All in all, $40 million in damage was inflicted on the prison, nine inmates were allegedly beaten to death, and one guard was strangled. In addition to several subsequent prosecutions, Ohio spent millions of dollars on its prison system to supposedly alleviate overcrowding and prevent future riots. Yeah, OK.
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1. SÃO PAULO HOUSE OF DETENTION RIOTS; São Paulo, Brazil, 1992
Latin America’s largest prison—built for 3,500 but housing 7,300—was the scene of the world’s deadliest prison revolt. Brazil’s military police didn’t want to negotiate after rival gangs erupted into a three-hour riot. Police shot and killed 111 inmates—10 percent of the prison population. Human rights grouped blamed authorities for lacking restraint, pointing out that military police in Brazil are responsible for 20% of the country’s annual homicides. “Can’t tell the difference between the cops and the robbers, they both partners…”

Running game and bullshitting foreign adversaries is absolutely mandatory for diplomatic warriors. The stakes are high. Success is rewarded with medals of valor; failure forever threatens one’s legacy. So here’s a rundown of some recent diplomatic jail-breaks where the gift of gab saved the gift of life…

5. Jesse Jackson, Syria, 1984
Before President Obama was taking overseas trips as a candidate, presidential hopeful, Jesse Jackson, was negotiating high-stake hostage releases in Syria. U.S. Navy Pilot, Lt. Robert Goodman, was shot down in Lebanon while on a bombing mission and got detained by Syrian authorities. Jackson assembled a missionary posse, which even included Rev. Jeremiah Wright, and helped secure Goodman’s release after a month of imprisonment. When President Reagan realized he was being an asshole for initially criticizing Jackson’s mission, he decided to celebrate Goodman’s return at the White House. Now about that Oliver North guy…

4. Bill Richardson, Iraq, 1995
Richardson is a professional two-faced schmoozer. Dude has an extensive track-record of brokering deals to release humans from captivity. His most high profile face-to-face negotiation was with Saddam “WMD” Hussein, who had incarcerated two U.S. engineers after they crossed the Iraqi border from Kuwait. While he successfully convinced Uday’s dad to eventually let the Americans go, it wasn’t until after he offended the former Iraqi leader by crossing his legs and showing the sole of his shoe. Subliminal shots? I see what you did there, Bill.

3. Sir Nigel Sheinwald, Iran, 2007
When Iran’s Revolutionary Guard seized 15 British sailors after they allegedly entered Iranian territory, a diplomatic crisis engulfed Downing Street. Tension escalated after Blair kinda snitched on Iran at the U.N. Security Council for the detainment, resulting in the captors releasing humiliating apology videos from the Royal Navy prisoners. Hoping to avoid a military response, the Brits sent in their cloak-and-dagger diplomat who was more Austin Powers than James Bond. Telephonic deal-making ensued and all prisoners were eventually released after about a week. Yeah baby, yeah…

2. Tariq Azizuddin is detained in Afghanistan, 2008
At times, release missions require a level of flexibility that results in prisoner swaps. Win/win, sorta? Such was allegedly the case last year when Pakistan’s ambassador to Afghanistan, Tariq Azizuddin, was kidnapped by Mujahideen on his way to work in Kabul. His captors milked the coverage with the ambition of a leading PR company, dropping statements, vlogs, the whole nine. A murky closed-doors negotiation process ended with the release of Azizuddin and his shooter. Despite continued denials, it was widely believed that Pakistan delivered 20 million Pakistani rupees and let about 50 Mujahideen prisoners go free in return. Don’t front, that’s what you call strategic kidnapping.

1. Bill Clinton, North Korea, 2009
It’s probably a positive diplomatic sign when a captor requests the presence of a particular statesman to broker a deal. Journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling were unexpectedly met by Bubba who took them home on his private jet in lieu of his wife’s presence. Awkward.