If you weren’t in Indianapolis weekend and/or don’t keep up with innovations in off-the-dome hip-hop, a dude named M-Eighty freestyled for more than nine hours and fifteen minutes on Saturday, with observers from Guinness World Records on hand to help verify the proceedings. If the 555 minutes of rapping about what people in the audience were wearing holds up, then M-Eighty replaces Supernatural as the officially sanctioned Longest Freestyle Ever record holder (Supernat set the record in 2006 by inducing narcolespy for just over nine hours).

That’s all well and good, and we congratulate dude’s seemingly indefatigable ability to rhyme one-syllable words together, but it made us realize that the existing rap-related world records just aren’t that exciting. Longest freestyle? Fastest rap? Why not acknowledge achievements that have really done something to change the world we live in? That’s why we took it upon ourselves to make our OWN list of world records. This is for you, hip-hop!

LONGEST TIME SPENT BEING 37:
• Jay-Z, whose daily baths in virgin blood allowed him to remain 37 for 3 years and 9 months.

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LARGEST FITTED HAT:
• Papoose, who managed a size 17 3/8 during an appearance on Kay Slay’s Streetsweeper Radio.

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FEWEST WAKING HOURS WITH SHIRT ON (FIRST WORLD NATIONS ONLY):
• Plies, who once wore a shirt for 7 hours and 23 minutes in 2009.

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MOST BEEFS BACKED DOWN FROM POST-INSTIGATION:
• Joe “Ice Pack” Budden, though the Twitter fight would say otherwise.

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FEWEST WORDS USED IN A 16-BAR VERSE:
• OJ da Juiceman, for seven words: “servin,” “coke,” “aye,” “32,” “okay,” “brick,” “Zaytiggy,” and “Yongjooman.”

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MOST WSHH VIDEOS WITHOUT SHIT TO SHOW FOR IT:
• Cory Gunz!

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MOST INEXPLICABLE TATTOO:
• Flo-Rida, for what appears to be Sammy Davis Jr. by his collarbone. Take that, Baby’s giant cranial star!

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MOST SUSPECTLY NAMED RAP TREND (AS MEASURED IN INTERNATIONAL PAUSE UNITS):
• Jerkin’. Ayo!

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MOST TEARS SHED IN 2009:
• The Game, whose lachrymal output was calculated by scientists to be sufficient to irrigate a midsized village in the Sudan.

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MOST PURCHASES MADE OF A SINGLE CHAIN:
• Tyga, who reached deep into his pockets to break his OWN record. Scared (young) money don’t make (young) money!

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MOST CONSPIRACY THEORIES SUBSCRIBED TO IN A SINGLE RAMBLING JAILHOUSE DIATRIBE:
• Prodigy, who somehow was able to shoehorn “THE ILLUMINATI, THE SECRET GOVERNMENT, BOHEMIAN GROVE SOCIETY, SECRET SOCIETIES, THE ORIGIN OF CULTURES AND RACES, THE ORIGIN OF RELIGION, AND ESPECIALLY THE ORIGIN OF THE ROYAL FAMILY, THE FEDERAL RESERVE AND WORLD BANKING SYSTEM” into his first open letter from the crazy house upstate.

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MOST CONSECUTIVE DAYS OF BEING ANNOYING, SINGLE CALENDAR YEAR:
• DJ Khaled, 366 (set in 2008)

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