They Shootin’! 5 Nerf Guns to Bust Caps With This Weekend

Yeah, it’s a holiday weekend, and for you, that prolly means pool parties on the reg, frozen drinks on the reg, and way too much meat in your mouth (what else is new?). For us, though, Labor Day means a dark specter on the horizon: our seven-year-old nephew Carl, a snot-nosed, shit-smelling little rat-faced rat fink who makes Latarian Milton look like Annie and insists on bringing his little snot-nosed, shit-smelling schnauzer Puddles to every family get-together.

As you may have gathered, we’re not real fond of our brother’s demon spawn. Maybe you have a younger relative just like Carl. So, what can you do? You can’t smack him around in front of the family, and whenever you get him loaded on Jello shots and throw him in the pool, everyone gets mad at you. Well, it’s not perfect, but last year we stumbled on a good recourse—Nerf guns. That’s right, keep pegging the little fucker with foam darts, and eventually he’ll fall the fuck back. To that end, we’ve reviewed 5 Nerf Guns to Wield This Holiday Weekend…

N-STRIKE BUZZSAW ($14.99)
Crank up the Buzzsaw and shoot four balls in rapid-fire fashion. Use this strictly as a warmup gun: your nephew will think it’s all fun and games, then bust out the heavy artillery.

N-STRIKE RECON CS-6 ($19.99)
If your nephew is as sneaky a little shit as ours, you’ll need a gat with some flexibility. The Recon breaks down into 5 configurations for easy adaptability.

N-STRIKE LONGSHOT CS-6 ($29.99)
So it’s 2:30 on Monday afternoon, and pinging Nerf darts off your own nephew’s temple hasn’t slaked your sadistic impulses yet (or said nephew’s bitchin’ about a cluster migraine). How to get your jollies off for the rest of the day? Shoot at your neighbor’s nephew of course! The N-Strike Longshot has a range of 35 feet and comes with two clips of 12 darts. If you’re taking your Nerf beefs outside the fam though, you may want to invest in a pair of non-Nerf brass knuckles.

N-STRIKE UNITY POWER SYSTEM ($39.99)
By now you’ve pissed off the greater part of your neighborhood, so it’s time to quit fucking around. The UPS is a three-in-one blaster, featuring the Scout IX-3 Blaster, the Hornet AS-6 Blaster and the Titan AS-V.1 Blaster for long range destruction.

N-STRIKE VULCAN EBF-25 ($42.99)
Perfect for the Battle of Hamburger Stand Hill, the Vulcan is a fully-automatic, piston-powered reign of Nerf terror. Shoot three darts a second in automatic mode, or set up the collapsible tripod and strafe your foes with precision hits. Whatever you do, take no prisoners!