Five Reasons the Nuggets Will Beat the Lakers
Kobe may want to light it up, but these aren’t kind Nugs, bro.
All year, sports pundits have been predicting that the Los Angeles Lakers would repeat as Western Conference Champions. Pardon us, but Complex doesn’t wash in purple and golden showers. That’s right, Kobe Bryant’s Lake Show is about to get canceled by Carmelo Anthony’s Denver Nuggets in the NBA Western Conference Finals.
We could provide myriad basketball reasons for this “upset” in the making, like L.A.’s inconsistent soft-batch style or point guard Chauncey Billups‘ infusion of calm, clutch shooting and leadership to Denver, but we’ll leave that to the professional sports reporters. Complex’s rationale is not based on hard data or statistics or other such nonsense, but on the priceless gold nuggets we mine in our minds. We pick winners like you pick boogers, so bet that mortgage money on it by the time the Lakers and Nuggets put the tip (off) in you tonight…
BEEF (WITH BROCCOLI)!
• There’s nothing like racial tension to unite a team of overpaid individuals. Before the Beijing 2008 Olympics Games, Lakers’ star big man Pau Gasol, his brother Marc and the rest of Spain’s basketball team gave themselves slanty eyes in a highly suspect advertisement—like offending Chinamen don’t mean slit to them. L.A.’s bench-warming Chinese guard Sun Yue has no doubt been stewing over it like lunch special #3 ever since, and with absolutely zero playing time to lose, look for Sun to rush the court during any Lakers-Nuggets scuffles and hit Pau with the POW! HIII-YAH! Gasol had better be ready to Peking duck.
D BE THUGGIN’!
• In the Nuggets’ semifinal series against the Dallas Mavericks, Kenyon Martin got into a war of words with Mavs billionaire owner Mark Cuban because he’d allowed fans to harass K-Mart’s mom and even told her that her son is a thug. To be fair, he is. Who but a thug could date Trina, “The Baddest Bitch,” and tattoo lips on his neck for her? Who on the Lakers is gonna have anything to say to him or be able to nullify his thug? Their Zen coach? The kid whose signature move is the literal teardrop? A dude named Lamar?
COLORADO GETS UP IN KOBE’S ASS!
• Ever since that whole rape trial, Black Mamba is shook to take it hard to the rim in Denver. Or even put it in the hole, for that matter.
TIGHTS SITUATION!
• The Nuggets can’t even get love on their home court! Game Four at the Pepsi Center in Denver is already controversial because it conflicts with a World Wrestling Entertainment event scheduled to take place at the venue at the same time (note: Monday Night Raw in Denver will not feature Kobe doin’ back door work on a hotel employee, pervs). WWE Chairman Vince McMahon refuses to move, and in an interview he put Stan Kroenke in a sleeper hold, saying the Nuggets owner wouldn’t have rented out the place if he’d actually believed his team would still be playing this late in the season. (McMahon then pulled out a Lakers jersey for him.) With an ass clown like McMahon (above, pantless) and even their own organization doubting, the boys in powder blue have all the incentive they’ll need to pull that pickaxe on fools and break stones.
WHITE-ON-WHITES!
• As everyone knows, NBA playoff series are decided by which team has the crazier white boy (we of course mean American white boys, who are generally raised to doubt themselves on the court and fear the original man, a.k.a. 75% of the league). This Lakers-Nuggets series comes down to two pale-faced forwards: Chris “Birdman” Andersen and Luke “Son of Bill” Walton. Birdman skies; Luke has about as much lift as his legendary dad, who still breaks a knee or ankle once every season. Birdman got kicked out of the league for two seasons for drug offenses so horrible that the league still won’t say what they were; Luke and his dad probably smoke pot listening to Grateful Dead bootlegs. Birdman is covered in (surprisingly decent) ink; Luke has Grateful Dead tattoos. We think you’ll agree that Birdman knocks Luke white out.
Eps May 19, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Agree. Kobe rape jokes never get old.
fuck complex May 19, 2009 at 6:40 pm
stop hating bitches, LA is home of the gangster so shut the fuck up. and complex is becoming stupid, we all know you like to suck on paul pierce’s dick and if you didnt know paul pierce is from inglewood, so how that LA dick taste.
FUCK L.A. May 19, 2009 at 6:57 pm
The LA Rapers suck, I was born and raised here and I even hate them, Kobe is a little f*g, once him and all the other clowns are gone I will become a laker fan once again. The days of eddie jones were great… P.S. I hope sasha gets closelined by kenyon martin so he can have a real reason to cry on the court.
LAKESHO May 20, 2009 at 1:59 pm
you’re probably one of them Clipper fucks! Can’t wait for you guys to screw it up next season with your #1 pick. fucker
MOOSE May 19, 2009 at 7:39 pm
^^^
lol @ “days of eddie jones”… haha really?
anyway great analysis Complex lol fuck whoever wins… its gonna be a great series
FUCK COMPLEX May 20, 2009 at 12:31 am
FUCK THE NUGGETS THATS WHY THEY JUST LOST THE FIRST GAME!!!! ALL ABOUT THE LAKERS!!! FUCK LAKER HATERS!!! AND COMPLEX IN A COUPLE OF YEARS IT WILL BE GHOST!!! POST A BLOG ABOUT MARC ECKO GOING BROKE!!! LOL DUCES
fuck complex May 20, 2009 at 1:47 am
and why kenyon martin got a kiss tattoo on his neck now that is tranny
LAKESHO May 20, 2009 at 1:57 pm
complex is hating, but Spike is representing!
links305 May 20, 2009 at 8:56 pm
man fuck the lakers they aint winning shit and all yall fags talking about complex gtfo
Da Beast May 21, 2009 at 3:14 am
Okay, let me address this first, I don’t care what Jerry West said, he knows how to get his guy to drop another 40 on Denver, that’s right, Kobe fucked Denver at that hotel, that little whore really got the Mamba and couldn’t tell her boyfriends, (that’s right she had two other dudes kids in her panties), that she GAVE IT to the Mamba, then Kobe came from court each time and dropped 40 at least right after court, maybe you pricks should check your stats instead of your Golden minds. Second, you make jokes or tell jokes about other nationality with your boys, so Pau and Sun are cool, maybe after they win the Championship they’ll fight, hahaha. Third, idiots, Cali is the place of goldmining, we even have a team named Golden State, and our colors are Purple and Gold, matches the trophy, Keyon may be a bad dude to you, but fuckfaces did you forget that the same neighborhood, where the beast Ron Artest is from, is where Lamar is from, they ran in same crew, so I think Keyon will calm his ass down in an instant once he gets jumpy and Lamar checks him, if not, he’s dealing with the streets of LA as well, we are known for putting it down worldwide, ask ya bitches.
Common Sense May 22, 2009 at 3:16 pm
I must say that this is the worst comments forum i’ve ever seen. Where people cannot express there opinion without swearing and the poorly formed opinions are rubbish in the first place. Lakers fans i am sorry for because they back a squad with absolutely no heart and no toughness (I don’t care where the hell they have come from). LA is a team of coasters and is led by a man with deeply rooted Psychological issues stemming from his need to be noticed as the best player ever. He is not even the best player in league and no Jordan game winning fist pumps can change that. Gasol should be known as the Pillsbury Dough Boy, and Lamar needs to come off the weed cause he looks disinterested at best on the court. The Lakers “Big Three” is just not good enough to win a championship. Frankly Kobe will need to jump on another team where he is not the best player and coat tail towards another ring like he did for his first three cause he is just not cut out to be a leader(no matter what Mark Jackson says). LA has absolutely no chance of winning this series against Denver and anyone with common sense would know that. It is not your fault though Lakers fans, since Kobe and LA almost pretend to be legitimate contenders during the season then show their true colors in the post season. It is a lot like how Kobe performs…Great game today “Oh he is the player in the world”….Bad game tomorrow “Kobe Sucks”…can’t win like that and all the Swearing and Turf repping wont change that. So Da Beast and the rest of you morons relax cause you will be going home in about 4 more ball games and we won’t hear from you until this time next year.
Peace!
fuck complex May 23, 2009 at 12:45 am
common sense,
how many championships has phil jackson won? and if you listen to any music by nwa or any westcoast artist. . .you are not allowed to listen to them anymore. now go masturbate to your air yeezys. and stop typing long replys no one likes that.
tell your moms i said hi. . .fym! (fucking yo mama)
Stuff Ghetto People Like May 23, 2009 at 4:59 pm
I wonder would Complex write an anti-Knick post if they were in the postseason…..
DenverKing May 25, 2009 at 3:11 am
Man it’s easy to tell LA fans apart from Denver. They have no class and can’t go one sentence without a fuck or a shit. Sadly I have to say that Denver exceedingly surpasses L.A. in that L.A. is nothing but a bunch of gangbangers who think they are so hard cause of a bunch of no talent rappers who say they are. Denver will most definitely win this series, but only because they are a “team”, and have heart. L.A. has no union. The team hates Kobe and his arrogant attitude, not to mention Lamar only cares about money. The team is a prime example for the California economy, going under! Kobe needs a wake up call, and I think Carmelo is just the guy to give it to him. And as for K-mart, Mark Cuban needs to grow up and stop whining like a two year old who lost his binky! Show some respect towards someone’s mother, whether you like them or not. Denver will clutch!
fuck complex June 1, 2009 at 12:20 pm
and no denver did not most definitely win. they lost. maybe because of the recession?
no love June 19, 2009 at 12:13 pm
why is it that complex didnt give the LAKERS any love after winning the finals. kinda sorry.