Twitter Fight! Nick Cannon vs. Eminem
Oh, but the internet was on fire last week. First Eminem’s Relapse leaked, then Nick Carey Cannon caught feelings about some of Em’s lyrics about Mariah Carey. On the track “Bagpipes from Baghdad,” Marshall goes in on his alleged ex-jumpoff and her present husband:
…Mariah whatever happened to us? Why did we have to break up?/All I asked for was a glass of punch!/You see I never really asked for much/I can’t imagine what’s going through your mind after such/A nasty break-up with that Latin hunk/Luis Miguel—Nick Cannon better back the fuck/Up, I’m not playin’, I want her back, you punk/This is Hello Kitty bedspread satin funk/Mixed with egyptian with a little rap and punk/Zapp and Eric Clapton, Shaft, Frank Zappa, crunk/And yeah baby i want another crack at ya/You can beat me with any spatula that you want/I mean I really want you bad, you c*nt/Nick you had your fun, i’ve come to kick you in your sack of junk/Man I could use a fresh batch of blood/So prepare your vernacular for Dracula acupunct…
Not even that harsh, especially in comparison to the psychosexual gorefest that is much of Relapse. Regardless, though, Nick blacked out on his blog, coming out of pocket with all kinds of threats (physical and otherwise) toward Em, even going so far as to compare Mariah to Michelle Obama and Oprah. (Even though he pulled the post in a matter of hours, you can still read it plenty of places, including here.) And that’s all we’ve heard of it so far…UNTIL NOW! See, when you have two celebrities on Twitter, chances are shit’s gonna boil over. And boil over it did. Thankfully, we follow all the parties involved, so we were able to record the whole confrontation as it went down.* Don’t say we never did anything for you…
*and by “it,” we mean “this totally false fictional account of what we wish had happened for satirical purposes only please don’t sue us Jimmy Iovine”
nickcannon Has anyone heard this Eminem joint? I love it! I mean I hate it! He’s the GOAT! Except I’m about to intimidate him into taking this song off his album! Wait, no, I’m gonna say I will, then pretend I never said anything!
eminem *tap tap* Hello? I’m new to this twitter shit, does anyone know how to make a chainsaw noise? Is there like an emoticon or some shit?
nickcannon @eminem There you are slim lamey! LOL!
nickcannon *takes shirt off*
nickcannon *blows away*
eminem WHO IS THIS? IS THIS A CELEBRITY? I HATE CELEBRITIES!
nickcannon @eminem it’s your worst nightmare bitch! and that’s not just the Creatine and protein shakes talking! LOL. And yes I capitalized Creatine, what?! I’ma be Creatine an asswhuppin’!
nickcannon Oh SHIT, that’s a hot line, I better
write that down. @mariahcarey baby, i need some paper, u got some paper?
mariahcarey @nickcannon baby, you know your allowance day isn’t until saturday.
nickcannon @mariahcarey no, i mean…ah, forget it
docdre @nickcannon Dog, you do NOT want to do this. trust me.
nickcannon @docdre shut up Dre!!! if i wanted to talk to you i’d leave a few more dozen voicemails asking you to sell me a track!
docdre @nickcannon srsly man, have u seen me recently? i look like an almond sitting on top of a sack of pumpkins.
nickcannon @docdre I guess no one told you I’m nice in the ring! I’ve been training in boxing and Martial Arts for years! *kisses biceps* *misses*
docdre @nickcannon yeah, well, i’m nice in the…i’m…Em, I need to go in on this dude. Gimme somethin’ real quick.
eminem @docdre You got a long Uz’ and you carry it all day.
docdre @nickcannon I got a long Uz’ and I carry it all day!
eminem @docdre I’m triple platinum doing 50 a week still!
docdre @nickcannon Em’s triple platinum doin’ 50 a week steel!
eminem @docdre STILL! Doin’ 50 a week STILL!
docdre @eminem my bad, homie. these trapezius muscles are blocking my ears like a muthafucka.
nickcannon Marshall, I thought we got passed the days where white men could spew vulgar obscenities at our beautiful queens and get away with it. What’s next?
eminem @nickcannon dunno, guess you could actually be good at any of the things you do?
eminem @nickcannon wait, sorry, that didn’t sound psychopathic enough.
eminem *scribbles in notebook*
eminem @nickcannon “Testicle twista, Lunesta digester, bespectacled Lecter/with ether and chloroform i’ll deform your fleshy erection”
nickcannon my what now?
eminem I’M PHIL SPECTOR WHEN I DRILL AND FILL RECTUMS/l’M THE SPHINCTER WRECKER, RESURRECT YOUR CORPSE AND THEN SEX YA!
nickcannon @eminem is there something you want to tell me dog?
OfficerRAWSE @eminem Tell me too, you monkey-ass honky. Yeah, I said it! Contradictions don’t mean shit to the BAWSE! Marinate on that one before I come see you with these long-ass Bambi eyelashes!
OfficerRAWSE *blinks*
OfficerRAWSE *flattens midsized city*
eminem @nickcannon Man, i haven’t been out of the house in four years. I feel like starting some beef! Who’s on Dawson’s Creek right now?
iamdiddy I LOVE YOU ALL LET’S GET IT! THIS FEUD IS GETTING ME OPEN LIKE CASSIE’S VAGINA! STOP TALKING ABOUT THAT, THOUGH, OR I’LL TELL MY INTERN TO THREATEN YOU WITH A CEASE AND DESIST!!!!! LET’S GOOOO!!!!!!
nickcannon @iamdiddy Man, what’s good with a deal? We’re both empire builders! U got Sean John, I got that hot PNB Nation shit!
eminem I got Shady Ltd! My shit is hot in predominantly Latino neighborhoods! Hook up a sleeveless Shady Ltd. hoodie with some Paco jeans and you’re good 2 go! Vamanos!
iamdiddy Oh shit vamanos!! I’m totes stealing that shit money!!! Come see me in the shark section!!! THAT’S THE CASSIE’S VAGINA SECTION!!!! VAMANOS!!!!!!!
TheRealCashis Yeah man!!! That Shady shit makes a nice warm blanket too!!! Makes this park bench feel like the Radisson! *holds up WILL RAP FOR FOOD sign with @BobbyCreekwater*
nickcannon Fuck Shady, man, I got that form-fitting shit. Haven’t you admired my physique on Wild ‘N’ Out?
nickcannon I mean Wild ‘N’ Out the sketch comedy show, not the drag parade.
eminem @nickcannon “Man, don’t tell me about drag parades/that’s a fag capade, an ass cavalcade/it gets me just about aroused enough to say/I don’t understand why people think I’m halfway gay”
nickcannon @GLAAD Holy shit, are y’all hearing this?!
GLAAD @nickcannon We’ve thought this for years, believe us.
RapRadar DID YOU HEAR THAT EM LINE? THAT SHIT IS THE HOTNESS! KILL YOURSELF! NICK CANNON IS A LAME! OL’ CHOPPA SUIT WEARIN ASS NI**A! YOU WANT SOME MORE FIVE-MONTH-OLD WEB REFERENCES? GET AT US! HA! FREE YAYO!
VibeMag @RapRadar You tell ‘em! You’re the king of this internet shit!
nickcannon @RapRadar man, fuck y’all. my wife is a strong black woman. angela davis ain’t got shit on mimi!
mariahcarey @nickcannon u tellem baby. get at ’em on youtuuuuuube!
nickcannon @mariahcarey yeah u like that right baby? ur like sojourner truth mixed with bai ling and angela merkel!
mariahcarey @nickcannon …i don’t think all those women r black, baby.
nickcannon @mariahcarey neither are you baby! ur part german prime minister and i love you for it! really though, can i get my allowance now?
eminem Where’s Nick Lachey? What is this American Idol shit? I NEED ENEMIES!
nickcannon *turns to the side*
nickcannon *disappears*
RapRadar Ha! Hold on, lemme get the flip cam out and film my laptop screen. Ha!
eminem HAS ANYONE SEEN THE PETS.COM SOCK PUPPET I’M GONNA LOCK HIM IN MY BASEMENT AND SODOMIZE HIM WITH THIS @STATQUO CONTRACT!!!
nickcannon Argh! *does 3 pushups* *poses*
eminem @nickcannon “hey nick cannon watch my dick spit dannon/don’t be hurt that’s just that yogurt splurt that sticks to your lips, cap’n”
nickcannon Man, forget it. I can’t believe you’re actually giving me a leg to stand on.
TheRealCashis *dead*
TheRealCashis *actually dead of malnutrition*
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B.Dot May 13, 2009 at 6:12 pm
LMAO…yall are fools for this
madub May 13, 2009 at 8:43 pm
you went on for way too long. wasnt funny after the first 10. FAIL
What May 13, 2009 at 9:03 pm
What exactly is this? Looks like a 12 year old wrote this and its not even funny. Pretty lame try again.
Eminem May 13, 2009 at 9:14 pm
I got Shady Ltd! My shit is hot in predominantly Latino neighborhoods! Hook up a sleeveless Shady Ltd. hoodie with some Paco jeans and you’re good 2 go! Vamanos!
Mike Jordan May 13, 2009 at 10:36 pm
This = win.
This Is Wack May 14, 2009 at 12:46 am
This is shit is corny, way to long and not funny, FAIL in-deed last week was funny fuck is this shit
Ghost May 14, 2009 at 1:46 am
This proves my point that I made earlier that none of these morons has any talent, they just THINK they do because of their inflated egos.
Jesus CHRIST I miss the good old Rock ‘n’ Roll of the 1960’s and 1970’s!
Why don’t we just send them out to fight the wars?
Jay Smooth May 14, 2009 at 4:58 am
Dunno what these other fools are talking about up there. This is the best thing I’ve ever seen in Complex.
anon1 May 14, 2009 at 11:02 am
co-sign with Jay Smooth. this shit was hilarious.
BIG FRED May 14, 2009 at 12:01 pm
LOL @ PACO JEANS!!!! SENSITIVE ASS NIGGAS, MAN!!! ITS JUST RAP. BESIDES, A GANG OF DUDES ALREADY RAN THRU MIMI. WHATS NICK SO MAD FOR? SHE WAS ABOUT TO GIVE ME THE PUSSY, BUT I HAD TO GO TO WORK!(SHOUT TO FRIDAY)
Yup May 14, 2009 at 3:42 pm
the twitter fights are classic but this one kinda missed….
JFK May 14, 2009 at 8:16 pm
LMAO! Literally died reading this. Word to @TheRealCashus.
any May 15, 2009 at 3:27 am
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th!z May 21, 2009 at 6:10 pm
the shady ltd in latino neighborhoods clinched the win for this. i always saw that shit and thought i was the only one that noticed it haha
The King Mike G June 1, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Yeahh…it got outta hand
I started with a laugh and ended with a serious face
pause
Chasemyster July 5, 2009 at 9:17 am
Hell, i dont even know if these people are the real things. People couldve just faked this shit.
Ardee.ENLANG.NOTTINGHAM July 21, 2009 at 6:04 pm
funniest thing iv seen in my life.
joi July 31, 2009 at 1:51 am
This was lame and stupid. Not funny.
ITS FAKE I THINK August 3, 2009 at 6:24 pm
CHASEMYSTER I AGREE WIF YA I DONT KNOW IF THIS SHIT IS FUKIN REAL AS MY DICK OR WAT EVEN SO IM WIF EMINEM NIK CANON AINT GOTTA CHANCE SO GO FUK YASELF NICK YA MOTHERFUKER
gay ass shit September 27, 2009 at 12:03 pm
man this is the most retarded shit i read in my life n all this names coming from everywhere wtf!!! i thought this was going to be a slim shady vs gay faggot nick…but then i figuer this shit is dumn…this dont event look like like…peoples writting..actually it looks like some crappy ass 5 y-old writting but i got a say…nick dont have money…asking mariah 4 money wtf!!!!