Wifey or Trifey: Salma Hayek

Our Super Two’s Day and Ultimate Archive alumna Salma Hayek got married over the weekend to some billionaire, and while we’re happy for her, we also mourn the loss of being able to wife her up ourselves.

Or would we simply trife her? Or would we simply be content to just stalk her innocuously, satisfying ourselves with a glimpse of her most trife-tastic frame? Regardless of the reality (in which we would do our best, only to have her chuckle maternally and pat our heads before we grabbed one of her breasts, made a honking sound and ran for our lives), this is our house—and so it’s our prerogative to decide for ourselves. Ergo: wifey or trifey? You be the judge, but first consult our copious and curvaceous evidence…

WIFEY: She’ll Pause for a Cause
Hayek testified before the U.S. Senate Committee in 2005 in support the Violence Against Women Act. Wait, does that mean we can’t beat? We’re here all weeks, folks. Please direct your outrage to deeznuts@complex.com.

TRIFEY: Prince Got Next
The Purple One featured a track on his latest Target-only album (”Valentina”) that was dedicated to her. And as confident we are in our own bedroom-bully status, something tells us that if that pencil-mustachioed woodland elf had his freaky way with her, she’d turn into some sort of Paisley Park zombie, no Wendy and Lisa. (Side note: we realize this photo has nothing to do with Prince. But who would you really rather look at?)

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