The 7 Worst Excuses For Celebrity Tax Evasion

’Tis the season to pay the piper, y’all…and by “piper” we mean “the taxman who pipes you out every April 15.” So if you’re expecting a rebate, send it our way (trees are expensive!)—and if you come out on the other side of the ledger, we strongly suggest you at least consider coming up off that check, lest you wind up like Method Man, who got his ride repossessed a couple of weeks back.

It’s old news by now, though his original excuse that he forgot because he was high (which he’s since angrily recounted) struck us as his worst idea since sticking with Def Jam. And since we’re shameless recyclers, it also struck us as perfect fodder for a list. We love lists. You love lists. Don’t fight the lists. And read on for Meth and six other public figures who need to rethink their rationales…

MARION BARRY

Excuse: The most famous crackhead mayor ever claimed that he never paid is 2007 taxes (after previously pleading guilty to similar charges in 2005) because he was expecting a kidney transplant. Not having one. Expecting one. By that logic, we’ve never cheated on our girl, we’re just anticipating her dumping us.

AL FRANKEN

Excuse: The almost-Minnesota senator blamed his accountant for underpaying his taxes in 17 states for money earned in 2003. Doggie, if you’re passing the buck before you’re even in office, you need to…well, you need to skip all that Congress shit and go straight to the White House!

RICHARD HATCH

Excuse: The first-ever winner of Survivor claimed that CBS had told him they’d pay the taxes on the million-dollar check he received for repulsing people with his naked body outwitting, outplaying and outlasting everyone else.

LEONA HELMSLEY

Excuse: During her 1989 trial for tax evasion, a former housekeeper testified that she had overheard the hotel heiress say, “We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes” Which is apparently why we’ve never seen a monocled dwarf lighting cigars with hundred-dollar bills.

METHOD MAN

Excuse: What, do you not read?

WESLEY SNIPES

Excuse: Big homie Blade tried a few things: sending “bills of exchange” instead of money, and then when that didn’t work, claiming that a section of the tax code left open a loophole that allows American citizens not to pay taxes. Now we see why he has such a knack for picking great movie scripts.

MARTHA STEWART

Excuse: In 1994, the then-not-yet-ex-con (did you get that?) tried to claim that she didn’t owe state taxes in New York because, uh, most of her friends lived in Connecticut. That’s like saying your shitty album sales don’t count because you’re huge on the internet, word to every single rapper out there.