Primate Power! 8 Non-Violent Chimps You Can Trust
Our chimp cousins don’t wanna hear that noise about them being dangerous savages.
One pet chimpanzee goes ape shit and brutally attacks a woman and all of a sudden everyone is ready to vilify the whole species. Don’t get it twisted'Complex loves humans and is pulling for the victim, 55-year-old Charla Nash, to make a full recovery from her life-threatening injuries'but we’re equally concerned that the rabid media is tearing the story to shreds and undoing years of good will between the genetically similar species.
In an attempt to put a band-aid on the public relations damage done to chimps, take a look back at some of the great chimps that have touched our lives over the years…
BUBBLES
Growing up, pop superstar Michael Jackson wasn’t allowed to be a kid or have friends, so when he became best buds with a chimp named Bubbles, it was a good thing. OK, maybe not good, but it sure beat him having drunken sleepovers with little boys.
CHEETA
Tarzan’s sidekick from the 1930s-1960s was a true film pioneer, not to mention all he did for man-woman-chimp sexual relations.
CONGO
A drawing and painting chimp in the '50s and '60s (long before he might have made that banana bread on some limited artist edition Nikes), Congo was known for a style described as “lyrical abstract impressionism.” And getting swirlies from all the beefy jock chimps.
“ED”
The 1996 baseball-playing-chimp dud movie Ed set ape acting way back. But really, what did we expect from Matt LeBlanc?
HAM
The first chimp launched into space by NASA in 1961 is an American hero that paved the way for astronauts to walk on the moon. Fuck a guinea pig.
J. FRED MUGGS
For anyone who thinks news used to be serious, meet the “co-host” of NBC’s Today Show in the 1950s. Today we have talking heads like Bill O’Reilly, and yet for some crazy reason we still believe in the theory of evolution.
MACACO TIÃO
A chimp in the Rio de Janeiro Zoo, he was famous for pelting visitors with feces (especially politicians). A satirical newspaper announced his candidacy for Rio’s 1988 mayoral election and he got 9.5% of the votes, nearly as many as human candidates Marcello Alencar and César Maia. Ralph “One day I’ll get 5% of the vote” Nader is still fecal faced.
SCATTER
Elvis Presley reportedly taught his pet chimp to drink bourbon, look up women’s skirts and pinch buns. It’s good to be King. It’s even better to be his prime mate.
Hard White February 18, 2009 at 7:34 pm
Chimps are like 99% genetically identical to humans or some shit like that, and we’re crazy savage, so are we really surprised a chimp went berserk on a woman? Remember those teenagers who filmed themselves beating the shit out of a girl for hours just so they could get youtube fame? Aliens should laser bomb the fuck out of us.
4kix February 20, 2009 at 1:41 am
If this woman get’s charged, so should the people who gave her the license to keep him. some of the things she did with IS kind of creepy. I love my dogs but I do not take baths with them. I feel sorry for the chimp, he did what was natural just like those Las Vegas guys Sigfried and Roy. Their tiger turned on them. You can take a wild animal out of the jungle but you cannot take their instinct away. And remember to say a prayer for the lady who was mauled.A long recovery is ahead for her. I agree with Hard White never be surprised about anyones actions because even humans will fight and kill for food water etc. and territory.
Haniel February 20, 2009 at 3:56 am
I couldn’t possibly agree more!
mark February 21, 2009 at 2:47 am
This is supposed to be funny but it is anything but. That chimp should never have been in captivity, and neither should any of the chimps you have in this article.