9 Hangover Cures For 2009
It doesn’t have a snappy Prince song like its older brother 1999, but 2009 is a special year in its own way, and as such deserves to be feted accordingly. Or more to the point: get really drunk tomorrow night.
Blotto, blitzed, tanked, sloshed, wasted, plastered, corn-holed (gotcha!); New Year’s Eve ain’t the night for restraint (click here for Complex’s guide to Champagne). Which means New Year’s Day is the morning for hangovers. But it doesn’t have to be all porcelain hugging and making promises to God you won’t keep. Read on for our list of 9 sure-fire cures for the first (and hopefully worst) hangover of 2009…
CURE #9: PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE
How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Fuck if we know, we got hung up drinking Long Island Iced Teas in the Times Square Applebee’s. Seriously, you can’t cure what you ain’t got, so hopefully you did some intense training in ‘08 to prepare for the great binge of ‘09. Remember what your mother told you (before she ran off with Sir Osis of Theluver, R.I.P. D.F.W.): Alcoholics don’t get hangovers.
CURE #8: EAT A TUNA FISH SANDWICH WITH EXTRA PICKLES
Replenish your protein, Vitamin D and omega-3s with the tuna and get back some Vitamin C with the pickles. If you’re on top of things enough to get a little gourmet, add a slice of gruyere.
CURE #7: ALKA-SELTZER
If at all possible, avoid using pain relievers for hangovers. Acetaminophen (the active ingredient in Tylenol) teams with alcohol to basically gang rape your liver; ibuprofen (Advil) will do a number to your stomach lining. Alka-Seltzer’s not much better (its pain relief component is aspirin), but it works the fastest and has the added benefit of helping calm your stomach.
CURE #6: MENUDO
This one’s easy: roll out of bed and cue up a Menudo LP on your record player (they all work, but we especially recommend Los Fantasmas). If there’s a gun, knife or hammer handy, you’ll immediately kill yourself, bang bang, hangover cured. Menudo is also a traditional Mexican soup made with tripe that’s a great restorative. Unfortunately not so great a restorative that it will help you recover from the Ricky Martin-Menudo cure.
CURE #5: RU-21
Developed by the KGB so their agents could function the morning after epic games of beer pong with their American counterparts, RU-21 allows you to drink like a Russian (reduced life expectancy not included, we assume). We’ve even got a snappy slogan for ‘em: “Toss trifey a RU-486 and pop a RU-21 yourself!”
CURE #4: BULL’S EYE
Take a glass of orange juice, drop a raw egg in it and drink. Sounds gross, tastes grosser, but the protein x Vitamin C collabo is unmatched. And if you get salmonella poisoning from the egg, your simple hangover will seem like a mosquito bite.
CURE #3: SAUERKRAUT
Like the pickles in the tuna fish salad, a little vingarey cabbage helps restore vital nutrients. Not to be confused with a pissed off dude named Dieter.
CURE #2: GET BURIED UP TO YOUR NECK IN SAND
OK, so we’ve never actually tried this one, and it does seem like it’s a little more trouble than it’s worth, but apparently it’s an Irish tradition and they know a few things about drinking. We assume it’s easiest done with a hoe'make her dig, you dig?!
CURE #1: START DRINKING AGAIN
Hair of the dog, liquid breakfast, daddy’s little hand-steadier'whatever you call it, sometimes you’ve just got to dust yourself off and jump back on that horse (or fall off the wagon; feel free to use your own Oregon Trail metaphor). Go to the fridge and grab two cans of beer. Hold one against your temple; drink the other. Rinse and repeat. Do this enough and you’ll have plenty of the “practice” mentioned previously in Cure #9 by the time 2010 rolls around.
A-Zilla December 30, 2008 at 10:46 pm
I have to try the Tuna one… the only time I get a hangover though is when I drink beer. Liquor and wine are fine
Ben December 31, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Cure #0: Blunt
Dan January 2, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Mines the easiest and has worked for me 100%
drink 3 glasses of water before you pass out.
never had a hangover in my life, and ive outdrank quite a few people ;)
Dancing Knives January 3, 2009 at 10:42 am
Drinking again def. works
Y-town Jay January 4, 2009 at 9:41 pm
I try to pound some water while I’m pounding beer & liquor to keep me hydrated, or at least before I crash. When I get up… more water. If I’m hungover I add a beer n a blunt to the mix. If you’re completely hungover n fucked the only true way to resolve the issue is cocaine while gettin brain… all th live long day. HaHa!
tambs January 27, 2009 at 9:21 pm
I don’t think there is such a cure…just dont go over board and drink too much! But if you do make sure you eat and drink lots and lots of water before you pass out!
hungover February 20, 2009 at 2:14 pm
tuna actually works best in raw form, such as sushi or tartare and even better with avocado.
Best thing i’ve ever found though is a blunt, sex sleep routine. trumps everything on this list.
haitianvenom July 7, 2009 at 4:37 pm
the most important one is drinking water BEFORE going to bed!!!!
vazquez July 12, 2009 at 2:10 pm
menudo’s done the trick for years. maybe because of all the water in it, but who cares it works.
LOLintheLES July 12, 2009 at 10:25 pm
LOL @ menudo.