Complex’s Crappy Holiday Movie Survival Guide
Right now we’re in the thick of that always fun holiday lull between Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Festivus/Goat Stoning Day and New Year’s where, if you’re lucky, you’ll be sitting around without a whole lot do to. And whether you’re in the Midwest with the extended fam or at the crib catching cabin fever with wifey, there’s a good chance you’re gonna get dragged to some shitty kids/date/old folks movie that you had zero interest in seeing.
But just because you’re bound to piss away two hours of your life that you’ll never see again doesn’t mean you can’t take steps to ease the pain. We’ve studied the five schlockiest flicks of this holiday season to help prepare you for the cinematic torture. Read on for our tips on surviving Marley & Me, Bedtime Stories, Doubt, Revolutionary Road and Seven Pounds…
MARLEY & ME
Jen Aniston+Owen Wilson+cute dog=Old Yeller x Mad About You (a.k.a. another argument for assisted suicide)
WHO’LL DRAG YOU TO IT: Your girlfriend
SYNOPSIS: Milquetoast white couple adopts puppy as baby substitute; said pup is adorably destructive and hijinks ensue; couple has kids; pooch grows up with family then shuffles off to canine heaven and waterworks ensue
RUNNING TIME: 115 minutes
HOW TO COPE: Commence heavy petting each time Marley chews up a couch
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BEDTIME STORIES
Adam Sandler is a doofus everyman (typecasting alert!)
WHO’LL DRAG YOU TO IT: Your niece and nephew
SYNOPSIS: Hotel janitor (Sandler) tells fanciful bedtime stories to his niece and nephew; stories start to come true; janitor uses this for his own sinister purposes (i.e. giving Keri Russell a wax and buff)
RUNNING TIME: 99 minutes
HOW TO COPE: Smoke weed. (note: NOT with your niece/nephew.)
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DOUBT
Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Meryl Streep realized they’d been in halfway interesting flicks lately (okay, just Hoffman) and decided to get back in touch with their boring movie base.
WHO’LL DRAG YOU TO IT: Your “touchy” uncle
SYNOPSIS: Nuns suspect a priest has molested the only black altar boy in a Catholic school & spend the rest of the flick trying to find out if he touched it or not
RUNNING TIME: 104 minutes
HOW TO COPE: Slap your uncle every time he reaches for the popcorn in your lap
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REVOLUTIONARY ROAD
Titanic minus the near-nude Kate Winslet and the boat sinking (i.e. the two scenes that made that movie worth watching)
WHO’LL DRAG YOU TO IT: Your older sister with the unfulfilled literary aspirations
SYNOPSIS: Suburban couple in 1950s Connecticut yearn for a more bohemian existence. Seriously, people spend 10 bucks to see this shit.
RUNNING TIME: 119 minutes
HOW TO COPE: Smoke Xanax.
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SEVEN POUNDS
Will Smith’s semi-annual tearjerker bid for an Academy Award. Can somebody please give homeboy a fucking Oscar so we can get Bad Boys III already?
WHO’LL DRAG YOU TO IT: Your mother
SYNOPSIS: IRS agent with a death wish (redundant?) looks for seven strangers to donate body parts/possessions to. Eff a spoiler alert.
RUNNING TIME: 118 minutes
HOW TO COPE: Tell moms the spoiler while you’re waiting in line and convince her to see The Wrestler instead
