2008’s Greatest Sports Moments For Haters

Oh, yesterday was a great day for glee at someone else’s expense, people. And we’re not even counting the overrated-ass Titans getting shut out, word to Jim Sorgi. Many horrible dickbags were punished, and much mirth was felt. So much so, in fact, that it made us realize that 2008 has truly been a wonderful year for watching the mighty fall. And like any other people obsessed with cataloging sundry and various inconsequential things, we felt the need to make a list out of it. Because hey, it’s the end of the year. Fuck off.

Read on to see the greatest sports moments for haters (in calendar order)…

LOSER: DUKE AND UNC
LOSS: Second-round and Final Four defeats (respectively) for the white-boy basketball saviors.
WHY IT FEELS SO GOOD: Because ice beasts have no right to be on the hardwood with the original man, unless they’re exported straight from the caves like Andrei Kirilenko!
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LOSER: NIKE
LOSS: Losing face at the Olympics. Nike boy Michael “Birdman” Phelps rocked a Speedo LZR suit while in the pool, Usain Bolt and his Pumas embarrassed Nike’s track stars, and the Swoosh’s biggest Chinese sponsored athlete (hurdler Liu Xang) pulled out of competition with an injury.
WHY IT FEELS SO GOOD: Because Reebok took a big enough L with their “Dan and Dave” debacle in ‘92, and it’s about time the Microsoft of athletic companies got some loser on their face.
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LOSER: YANKEES
LOSS: Despite a MLB record $209 million payroll, the Evil Empire finished third in the AL East, missing the playoffs for the first time since the 1994 strike.
WHY IT FEELS SO GOOD: Because by handing out bloated contracts without regard for talent or clubhouse chemistry, they’ve heartily sodomized the idea of parity in baseball. Attention CC Sabathia and AJ Burnett: Randy Johnson and Carl Pavano still need two overvalued pitchers for their golf foursome. Which will promptly disband due to wrist injuries, obesity, and Old-Time Prospector Temper Disorder.
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LOSER: KIMBO SLICE
LOSS: After a long loud ride on the hype machine beating up tomato cans for fun and profit, the backyard brawler got blasted in 14 seconds by Seth Petruzelli. Who? Exactly.
WHY IT FEELS SO GOOD: Because a when a sheisty MMA league takes a puncher and try to sell him as the second coming of Royce Gracie, it rubs some people the wrong way. Dicks.
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LOSER: NOTRE DAME
LOSS: Following up last year’s 3-9 record by going 6-6. Actually, 7-6 if you count the Sheraton Hawaii Bowl'aka the Free Vacation Bowl'which of course a .500 team is unquestionably qualified to play in.
WHY IT FEELS SO GOOD: Because college teams shouldn’t have network deals. Mediocre but overpaid? They’re the Jay Leno of collegiate sports!
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LOSER: SEAN AVERY
LOSS: Indefinite suspension after referring to his ex-girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert as sloppy seconds
WHY IT FEELS SO GOOD: Because the guy’s a goalie-screening, fight-dodging, flopping prima donna. But don’t take our word for it. This guy’s got the evidence.
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LOSER: BRETT FAVRE
LOSS: Coming out of retirement to guilt the Packers into taking him back, then going to the Jets and missing the playoffs thanks to nine interceptions (and two TDs) in his last five games.
WHY IT FEELS SO GOOD: Mostly because we hate his Wrangler ads. Oooooh, salt of the earth! Fuck outta here.
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LOSER: DALLAS COWBOYS
LOSS: The worst defeat in twenty years…to mortal enemies the Eagles…to knock them out of playoff contention. Hee.
WHY IT FEELS SO GOOD: Hard to say. Is it their megalomaniacal cracka-ass owner Jerry Jones, their saggy pudendum of a coach Wade Phillips, Paul Bunyan’s stunt double Jason Witten, oldest living Gerber baby Terrell Owens, their penchant for signing thug fantasist fuck-ups, or Joe Simpson’s London Bridge partner Tony Romo?
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LOSER: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
LOSS: Three the hard way, you miserable sons of bitches. First was the hubris-crushing Super Bowl loss to the Giants, then the ACL-crushing loss of Tom Brady, then the soul-crushing loss of going to the playoffs thanks to a byzantine series of divisional tiebreakers (Dolphins and Ravens, drinks on us!).
WHY IT FEELS SO GOOD: Because we hate the Patriots. We hate smug-ass golden boy Brady and his surprisingly competent stand-in Matt Cassel, we hate Bill Belichek and his sleeveless sweatshirts (no hobo), we hate Tedy Bruschi and his inspirational return from a stroke, we hate injured part-time gargoyle Laurence Maroney, we hate Randy Moss and his incongruous local-TV weatherman voice, we hate white-power icon Wes Welker, we just hate them all. Fuck you all sideways with a goalpost. Except you, Deltha O’Neal. You’re so terrible that it’s always fun watching you get pwned.