Five Reasons To Hate the Boston Celtics Again

After winning the NBA championship, Beantown is gassed.

A year ago, even haters had to begrudgingly root for the Boston Celtics. After sinking to new lows in 2006-07, honoring recently deceased coaching legend Red Auerbach with a 24-58 record and a franchise worst 18-game losing streak, the once proud Celts organization finally did something right when general manager Danny Ainge teamed Paul Pierce with Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen. Perennial All-Stars who’d given their best years to shitty Minnesota Timberwolves and Seattle SuperSonics squads, respectively, they formed “The Big Three,” a trio of hungry aging ballers who would push their mamas down stairs to win a ring. KG, in particular, changed the culture of the team, convincing guys who’d only known losing to hustle and think of the Celts as a brotherhood (James Posey then added the awkward extended man-hug to the mix).

KG’s borderline psychotic passion and intensity rubbed off on everyone, including non-Celtic fans, who wanted to see him triumph, even if it meant spoiled Boston drunks fans getting yet another title. But now that the Celtics are defending NBA champions, it’s officially OK to hate them again. In fact, it’s the right thing to do. Read on to for five reasons that you should hate the C’s.


INSIDER TRADING
• The trade that brought KG and a championship to Boston was made possible by Kevin McHale, the hopelessly inept Minnesota Timberwolves GM who happens to be a former Celtic great. Thanks to him, Minny was destined to do nothing, so he figured he’d help his Boston boy Ainge out by giving them an All-Star and fan favorite in exchange for one possible future second fiddle (Al Jefferson), some bench players, two cotton candy vendors and the promise that he’d get half off on a replica ring if they won it all. If Martha Stewart had to serve time for her stock dealings, McHale and Ainge should be sharing a prison cell for the next decade running the pick and roll on each other’s pubes.

CRYING GAME
• It’s impossible to respect Glen “Big Baby” Davis after he cried and threw a fit on national TV because KG reprimanded him for sucking. In Davis’s defense, the arena was dusty. And his thong was really pinching his labia.

YOUNG PUNKS
• The downside of KG’s chest-thumping, shit-talking and psycho stares is that he has the lil c’s thinking they have license to brag and get in people’s faces too, even though they won on the backs of greater men (lengthy NBA pause) and are little more than weed carriers. Tell ‘em, Lil Cease.

JOCK SUPPORTERS
• Boston’s miserable, often drunk, often racist fans used to think they were special because their teams always lost. Now they think they’re special because their teams always win. Win or lose, it’s officially time for a Boston Teabag Party.

CHAMP CHANGE
• The Big Three are old (some might say geriatric) news in 2008-09, and the NBA needs a new champion. This year it’s all about LeBron James and the Cavaliers bringing a title to depressed Cleveland so he can fulfill his promise to his home state before promptly fleeing to [optimistically insert your city here] as a free agent in 2010. Of course, you could also root for Kobe Bryant to win a ring without Shaq. If you’re a fan of anal adultery, that is.