The Real-Life ‘Wrestler’: 5 Fighters Who Won’t Retire
Tights make it very difficult for old wrestlers to wear diapers discreetly.
In The Wrestler, Darren Aronofsky’s awesome new film, beat-up, has-been actor Mickey Rourke plays Randy “The Ram” Robinson, a beat-up, has-been wrestler who was big shit in the ’80s but now fights in school gyms and can barely manage to pay rent on his trailer home. At one point, Ram describes himself as “an old broken down piece of meat.”
Sadly, too many real-life fake wrestlers stick around the ring past their prime, when their meat has gone wrinkly and rancid. In honor of this award-worthy flick, check out five real old-ass fake wrestlers who should go down for the count and throw themselves wholeheartedly into retirement.
HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN
• Age: 54
• Wrestling Debut: 1979
• Reason He Should Tap Out: We will always remember and love Hacksaw, wrestling’s original American patriot who carried a big stick (…), but in 2008, dude is looking like Old Glory.
STING
• Age: 49
• Wrestling Debut: 1985
• Reason He Should Tap Out: He can hide his years behind face paint, but these days when old boy rolls under the ropes the only thing stinging is his arthritic joints.
KEVIN NASH
• Age: 49
• Wrestling Debut: 1990
• Reason He Should Tap Out: Known as Diesel back in his days man-groping for WWF/WWE, Nash is a few grey hairs away from pumping five-lb. weights in senior pool aerobics class.
FINLAY
• Age: 50
• Wrestling Debut: 1974
• Reason He Should Tap Out: His Irish act is as old as he is, but we forgive it because he’s actually from Northern Ireland. Still, his luck ran out around the time his balding dome couldn’t support a mullet anymore.
HORNSWOGGLE
• Age: 22
• Wrestling Debut: 2004
• Reason He Should Tap Out: Finlay’s Leprechaun-like “son” has only been on this earth 22 short years, but that’s like 78 in wee little people years. And yes, we’ll be wearing shin guards from now on in case he tries to see our ankles in the streets.
LOL December 17, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Finlay is the shit
and he will break your face
fan December 25, 2008 at 8:47 pm
I dare you to call anyone one of them fake to their face.
wrestling is for poons December 28, 2008 at 3:26 pm
dude i will call all of them washed out faggots to their face. wrestlers are pussies with good choreographers.
xBoNeZxBhFx November 5, 2009 at 7:51 pm
your a snatch dont hate on wrestling at least these fools are successful and have a good job im sure they have done more in a year than you have in your whole miserable little life.
SeViL December 28, 2008 at 3:48 pm
No, asshole, the Wrestlers ARE the choreographers! You try diving out the ring from 10 feet in the air, and see how quick you get back up!
bob December 28, 2008 at 8:12 pm
dude most wrestlers are gay cept for the rock cuz he’s funny
Finlay is a faggot that cheats using his stupid-ass shillelagh
gRawrr January 6, 2009 at 3:09 am
I agree with SeViL, Poon (THat’s right I shortened it) Wrestlers are there choreographers. Try and get fact before you run your mouth about something you have no clue about.
sexy boy June 9, 2009 at 7:50 am
i dont agree with any shit head i think the wrestlers are getting on and they will retire when they want to retire i dont want to see john cena triple h kane undertaker jeff hardy dhawn michlies edge randy orton i dont want any of them
to retire i mean john cena and randy orton are one of the youngest to retire i hope that they all stay
Juke October 12, 2009 at 11:36 am
Very poor list. Almost random.
None of those wrestlers are in as terrible a place as Rourke’s character in that movie. Wrestling in gyms and doing barb-wire matches in front of a crowd of 200 is the wrestling equivalent of street prostitution — and for a nasty pimp!
All of these guys are doing financially well (not sure about Hacksaw, but I doubt he’s using the board as a pillow) If you want a real comparison, try Jake the Snake Roberts.