No iPod Tax: 10 Better Ways For NY To Get Paid
People of Illinois and Alaska, please don’t think you’re the only ones with boneheaded governors. Yesterday, New York’s own David Paterson released his insane budget proposal, which has us thinking he’s one broken leg away from blind, crippled and crazy. Not only does the plan cut aid to schools and hospitals, but it calls for new taxes on everything from cab rides (okay, fine) to massages (with the massage spots we go to, we already pay in shame) to…digital fucking music?
The so-called “iPod tax” might make revenue from those few rubes who are still going through Steve Jobs for their chunes, but it also feels more than a bit unjust. After all, we New Yorkers have to deal with a year-round scourge of tourists who come into our city'why not rely on them to raise a little extra money? We thought of a few sure-fire revenue streams (pause); think of them as a way to say “thanks, New York, for not mugging us when we visited”…
DOUBLE THE PRICE OF T-SHIRTS WITH THE WORD ‘FUCK’ IN THE TITLE
• Shock your families! Amaze your friends! Display your lack of taste proudly! If you like, we’d be happy to replace the graphic with “I’m An NYU Freshman” or “I’m The Coolest Dickbag in Missouri.”
A FEE FOR ASKING DIRECTIONS ON THE SUBWAY
• That way, people might not even be tempted to direct you to Brownsville instead of Macy’s.
A SURCHARGE ON ALL SHITTY GOODES BOUGHT AT GRAY-MARKET RIPOFF ELECTRONICS STORES
• You’re already getting fucked sideways by an opportunistic Yemenite, you might as well help us out while you’re at it.
$40 ELEVATOR RIDES AT THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING
• Aren’t these like $20 already? Is being up high that awesome? Didn’t you fly here in a plane?
NO FREE PEEKS AT THE CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTING AT ROCKEFELLER PLAZA
• Next year, try to sneak in and we’ll have Al Roker eatcha. Yeah, he may be skinny, but he’s still got the CRAVE.
HIGHER ADMISSION FOR DOUBLE-DECKER TOUR BUSES
• These things go to Brooklyn now. Jesus. It’s like riding in a convertible, except one that provokes people to throw shit at you.
$15 TO STAND IN LINE AT “AUTHENTIC” PIZZA PLACES
• It’s under the Brooklyn Bridge! If you’re lucky, some irate locals might lean out their window in tomato-stained undershirts and shake their fists at you! Either way, there’s still overrated pizza at the end of the tunnel.
RAISE THE PRICES AT TIMES SQUARE CHAIN RESTAURANTS
• Yes, come to New York City for the top-shelf restaurant scene…then go to the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.! Our Red Lobster is simply DIVINE. A better garlic cheese biscuit you’ll never taste, we promise.
DOUBLE RATES ON BUYING WEED IN THE PARK
• In this day and age, you should be ashamed of yourself looking for hand-to-hand trees. Don’t concierges have the delivery hookups?
CHARGE A FEE FOR LOOKING UP
• Please, yes. Get in our way. Eight-story buildings truly are a testament to human ingenuity and manifestdestiny.
