How To Fix The American Auto Industry

Last night, the American auto industry was dealt its most serious blow in decades when Congress failed to come together and agree on a $14 Million rescue package for General Motors, Chrysler and Ford. While some feel Congress should just suck it up and hand out the dough, others feel that Washington should let them go bankrupt and start from scratch. After all, while they’ve finally started to turn their companies around and produce cars that can compete with overseas competition, it’s a case of “too little, way too fucking late.”

Years of wack cars and inflated CEO salaries has finally come to a head. But that’s not to say we want to see the Detroit Three disappear. Nah, we need all of ‘em. Even Chrysler. But there is room for improvement. If the Bush administration does dip into Wall St’s $700 Billion dollar rescue fund for Ford, Chrysler and General Motors, here are a few things we think should be put into writing before their check gets cut. Wamp, wamp, what it do? Read on to find out..

STEP ONE: BRING OUT THE FLYING CARS

• Nah, just playing. But for real, innovation in the automotive world has been limited to the number of MP3’s you can plug into your dashboard and how quickly your car stops before your multi-tasking ass rams into the rear end of the car in-front of you. What happened to the days when auto shows used to show the vastness of the designers’ imaginations? We’re not saying that we need cars that fly or turn to an aquatic vehicle'although, some people have already developed such things'but it’d be nice to see that the auto companies are doing more than re-branding and repacking their mid-sized sedans and adding more seats to their pick up trucks. The Volt is a good start, but there needs to be more.

STEP TWO: BETTER INCENTIVES

• We’re glad to see a number of automakers are now offering incentives like lifetime power-train warranties and free maintenance, but we think they could do a little better. With the economy where it is, if people are going to be investing in an automobile, the least you can do is break ‘em off with a little something, something. Our suggestion? Have a multi-tier incentive program for buyers. If, say, a mom buys a minivan, give them free tickets to a talk show of their choice, or maybe a gift card to a department store. Or, if a guy buys a top of the line luxury sedan, maybe throw in a coupon for whatever escort service the CEOs rock with. Just sayin’…

STEP THREE: DUMP THE DEAD WEIGHT & ACQUIRE NEW BRANDS

• It’s painfully obvious that a lot of the brands at the Big Three are no longer pulling their weight. The American auto companies need to start thinking like Silicon Valley companies and acquire new, young, next generation companies like Tesla that are looking into the future to develop cars for today.

STEP FOUR: MAKE BETTER AMERICAN-MADE CARS

• Look, if you’re going to make hot cars, the least you can do is offer them to the people in the country you’re based in, right? It only makes sense. Out of all the wrongs that the Big Three have done, that is probably the one thing that pisses stateside auto enthusiasts off the most. It’s one thing when a foreign company leaves us out, but when we have to see Chrysler and Cadillac give diesel estate versions of their most popular models to the UK, or when a overseas GM brand build better muscle cars than we do, it’s like a slap in the face. With a steel glove.

STEP FIVE: CUT CORPORATE BONUSES

• While some of the corporate big whigs like GM’s Rick Wagoner vowed to further cut his yearly income by lowering his salary to $1 a year, we think more can be done. Yeah, $1 a year is great, but we know as soon as they get that money and things start to even out, he’s going to go right back to his multimillion pay check and bonuses. In addition to cutting down on bonuses, cocaine coffers and the use of corporate Jets and the like, top tier executives should implement the Ben & Jerry’s model of having the CEO’s make no more than eight times what the lowest level salaried employee makes. It may not do much, but it’ll at least show that they’re serious about making it work.