Che & 5 Other Extremely Long Films Worth Watching
Hey, it’s that commie from the T-shirts!
When Ayo! Scott has four and a half hours of personal time, he spends it doing charity work, pleasuring five to seven extremely fortunate women (depending upon how much rest he got the previous night after pleasuring five to seven different, yet equally fortunate, women). Your physical limitations no doubt prevent you from being as charitable as Ayo!, so Ayo! recommends you spend your 270 spare minutes watching Che, director Steven Soderbergh’s two-part epic about Argentine revolutionary Ernesto Guevara (you know, that guy from the T-shirts every teenage douche burger buys to show they’re non-conformist)…
It’s not that the film gives you any great insight to the man behind the iconography, but Benicio Del Toro captures Che and it’s fascinating to ride out with the revolutionary as he fights for the little people from Cuba to Bolivia. Even at the four-hour mark, where Ayo! found himself wishing Che would hurry up and die, the film was undeniably beautiful and well made (Ayo! particularly appreciated that Latinos speak Spanish'word to that fuckboy Tom Cruise playing German with an American accent in Valkyrie). If watching the whole epic in one sitting during its limited run is too much for you, check it out in two halves when they’re released individually in the new year. And next time you see a little snot looking high and mighty in his Che shirt, rest assured that you’re more revolutionary than he is. Then punch him in the face to prove it. Read on for more 200-plus minute films that Ayo! swears won’t waste your time.
LAWRENCE OF ARABIA
Length: 227 minutes
• If you like the idea of man-rape but don’t want to see it, you’ll love these Arabian nights.
MALCOLM X
Length: 202 minutes
• You can thank Spike Lee’s epic Malcolm X biopic for white devils wearing X caps in the early ’90s. Those white devils will appropriate anything.
THE GODFATHER, PT. II
Length: 200 minutes
• Hopefully the Jonas brothers will one day watch this and start stabbing each other in the back.
ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA
Length: 229 minutes
• You can’t find Jews more gangster than Robert De Niro and James Woods in this Sergio Leone classic. Besides David Stern, of course.
APOCALYPSE NOW REDUX
Length: 202 minutes
• The horror… The horror…of Marlon Brando’s waistline.
