The 5 Greatest Male Gold-Diggers

It’s a not-totally-unhappy day for Guy Ritchie; he’s reportedly agreed to a lump-sum $64 million payoff in order to avoid protracted divorce bickering with Madonna. And sure, it was love once upon a time, but now he’s rocking a smile bigger than his cumulative box-office take. He’s not the only guy who stands to leave a bad relationship with fat pockets, though–so we rounded up 5 of the greatest or (would-be greatest) gold-diggers of all time. Get yourn, Bjorn!

5. AL REYNOLDS

• Target: View host, gastric-bypass denier and self-delusional blowhard Star Jones
Despite a pre-nuptial agreement, this fool proposed at the NBA All-Star Game, then spent the three years of their horridly publicized marriage on the DL (no Hughley). Also continues to deny that he’s super, thanks for asking.
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4. MARK HARRIS

• Target: Martha Raye, denture wearer
Who? Oh, you know, just another example of the age-old story: boy meets boy, boy spends life as a gay man, then boy marries a 75-year-old woman with Alzheimer’s who’s 35 years older than him (a month after meeting her), boy fights the woman’s daughter to block her from the estate, boy eventually inherits $4 million when the woman dies a double amputee. It’s the stuff dreams are made of!
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3. STEDMAN GRAHAM

• Target: Jizzillionaire Oprah Winfrey (seriously, we’d nut if we had that much money)
Thought you were about to cake off, huh? Oprah’s too smart for that, Stedman! No marriage for you! Now go change your name, you sound like an Austrian dessert.
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2. KEVIN FEDERLINE

• Target: Hot teen, not-so-hot twentysomething, and nonshaver Britney Spears
If you can actually convince a senseless multimillionaire to marry your unemployed ass, and then let you wear a sweatsuit that says “PIMP DADDY” to the wedding party, then we can’t even hate. Popozao, baby.
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1. GUY RITCHIE

• Target: Human-tarantula hybrid, scourge of insular cultures, and soy-latte drinker Madonna
She shit on your movies and stepped out with the most annoying baseball player since Crash Davis. We’ve got your back, homie; now go get that a milli a milli a mlli (repeat 61 more times).

Related: The Shotcaller: Guy Ritchie