Politickin’ With John Brown: The Year’s Biggest Political Sex Scandals

In his weekly column, rapper John Brown'the self-proclaimed “King Of Da Burbz”'will be offering his insight into politics and current events to the Complex readers. Check out “Politickin With John Brown” every Thursday.

I never really understood all the public fallout surrounding political sex “scandals”. I’m not talking about the Mark Foley pedophiles of the world, but rather the wholesome family-man adulterers. Face it, these guys are under intense pressure to deliver crucial policies in a tumultuous era. If my representative needs to smash just to think straight, I’m all for it. Ethics? GTFOH. Do you really think these dudes are telling the truth anyway? So in the spirit of 2008 wrap-ups, I thought I’d reflect on the Top 5 political sex scandals of the year and make my case for swinger voters…

5. REP. VITO FOSSELLA (R-N.Y.)

Vito, Vito, Vito. So you’re an asshole. Big deal! If I just finished binge-drinking at the White House I’d do the same thing: perve-ride to my D.C. shorty’s crib, bone-and-bounce back to Shaolin. I was only offended by all the anti-Bill Of Rights legislation he was pushing in the name of “family values”. Just keep it funky bro.
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4. REP. TIM MAHONEY (D-Fla.)

I’m assuming Mahoney felt that the bar was pretty high for what constituted ethics violations after replacing Mark Foley. So he bags a campaign volunteer, gives her a promotion and then winds up paying the groupie $121,000 to shut her trap! Didn’t work. Dude goes down in flames and I’m dumbfounded. I mean he was very upfront with his jumpoff from the get-go, telling her in a phone conversation, “you work at my pleasure…whenever I don’t feel like you’re doing your job, then you lose your job. And guess what: the only person that matters is guess who? Me.” Bottom line: she stopped doing her job, so he canned her.
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3. MAYOR KWAME KILPATRICK (D-Detroit)

Kilpatrick’s downfall hurt my heart a little because he was a comrade to the hip-hop nation and had crazy potential for the national spotlight. Yeah, he was a jock and wanted to turn the mayor’s mansion into a frat house. So what? With all the economic uncertainties facing Detroit, who cares if Kwame wants to treat his chief of staff like a cheerleader. The outright witch-hunt to remove the big homie was a sad day for America.
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2. SEN. JOHN EDWARDS (D-N.C.)

John “2Americas” Edwards had a rapper moment. As he so eloquently put it: “In the course of several campaigns, I started to believe that I was special and became egocentric and narcissistic.” Fair enough. He was trying to get his vlogs and webisodes popping and wound up making a porno. He’s going hard in the paint fighting for main street and he gets hit by the pussy truck. BAM! Senator down! Senator down!
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1. GOV. ELLIOT SPITZER (D-N.Y.)

Illegal? maybe. But it ain’t tricking if you got it. Yeah, Spitzer shocked the nation and made that ‘Girls Gone Wild’ bitch a celebrity overnight. But I appreciate how he wasn’t with all that corny text messaging and faux-relationship BS. It was like going to the gym or making personal time to finish writing a novel. He was an empirical politician and was simply researching how effective his legislation had been if fighting the sex trade. Apparently, there’s still a lot of work to be done.