5 Ways To Save Blockbuster Video
Even though Blockbuster is still the largest retail rental chain in the country, it doesn’t mean it’s recession proof. Far from it, actually. In ‘07, BB posted some crazy heavy losses that had it rethinking its whole game plan. One of those failed plans was their bid to purchase another failing retail giant (Circuit City) for $1 Billion. Yeah, we’re not sure what the hell they’re doing over there either. But they are trying.
To keep up with Netflix and iTunes, they’ve started offering home delivery and online download rentals and purchases. And today they announced a new three year deal with Live Nation to be the exclusive brick & mortar seller of their concert tickets. But now that shit has officially hit the fan, we think they can use a couple more tips to keep the lights on. We rolled it over in our heads and came up with a few sure-shot suggestions…
HIRE A SEXIER STAFF
We’re totally against discrimination in the workplace, but anyone who’s ever eaten at Mangia here in NYC can attest to the fact that even if we can get the same product cheaper, we’ll keep coming back just for the service. Besides, if we must leave our house to go rent a flick, it’d be much better for us to hear why we should rent Persepolis from a 5′6” busty chick (think Rosario Dawson in Clerks 2 but with less clothing) rather than a 17-year-old movie nerd that sneaks off to watch Species 2 on his lunch break.
DIVERSIFY YOUR PRODUCT
Earlier this year, Blockbuster attempted to buy ailing big box consumer electronics retailer Circuit City for $1 Billion. No one really knew why. Presumably they thought a presence in that space would help out their bottom line. Too bad Circuit City caught an L this year and had to close down locations. But the idea was still good, we think. One trick ponies aren’t really poppin’ these days, and BB needs to mix it up. In addition to renting and selling DVDs, they should also sell music'digital and physical. Hey, Virgin is catching a brick and who goes to FYE? The lane is clear.
START AN ESCORT SERVICE
With the rise of all these different dating sites, all the craziness going down on Craigslist and the exposure of the escort world thanks to NY’s former Governor, it’s obvious that people are having a little trouble gettin’ it in. We propose the Blockbuster Escort Service (we were gonna call it NutBusters, but we don’t think that’ll fly.) A customer calls up, puts in an order for a movie rental and the DVD is brought to his place by an escort. For a fixed rate, the escort will chill with the customer for the duration of the film. Any over time is extra.
FREE MOVIES FOR LOYAL COSTUMERS
Everyone loves free stuff. For the customers that do stick with Blockbuster in this age of iTunes, Amazon Video and Net Flix, they should get a reward. We suggest for every 20 rentals, you allow them to keep their favorite.
PORNO DOWNLOADS
We were glad to see Blockbuster step into the present day and start offering digital download rentals, but they seemed to forget one major piece of the marketplace: porn. If any home videos are suited for the ‘Net, it’s the porn. Perhaps you should forge some partnerships with Onionbooty and Bang Bros?
