5 People Who Need A BFF Reality Show

Bestiest besties! When Dunt Met Couche

With Paris Hilton’s My New BFF wrapping its first season tonight and Brody Jenner’s Bromance set to debut later this month, there’s only one topic of conversation around the reality show water cooler here at the Complex offices: Who will be the next rich retard to star in a show where even more intellectually bereft “normal” people compete to be their friend?

(Side note: from MTV senior VP Liz Gateley, a late entrant for PR Hackery of the Year: “[Brody] is the type of guy everyone wants to hang out with.” Right, just like acute ebola-encephalitis is the type of disease everyone wants to get.)

So who are the next despicable pieces of shit to get their own BFF show? Check after the jump for Complex’s nominees…

O.J. SIMPSON

• WHO: Football player, “fantasy” memoirist
• REQUIREMENTS FOR FRIENDSHIP: Steady hands for low-speed car chases, quick-thinking on memorabilia-repo missions
• TEST OF LOYALTY: Find the real killers
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ROBERT MUGABE

• WHO: President/dictator of Zimbabwe
• REQUIREMENTS FOR FRIENDSHIP: Youth (life expectancy in Zimbabwe is 37 years for men), fondness for election-rigging
• TEST OF LOYALTY: Carry First Lady Grace Mugabe’s bags during shopping sprees
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DICK CHENEY

• WHO: Soon-to-be former (!) vice president of the United States
• REQUIREMENTS FOR FRIENDSHIP: Bulletproof ski mask, general antipathy towards the rest of the human race
• TEST OF LOYALTY: Visit Head Start programs and kick the kids
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SIMON COWELL

• WHO: Misanthropic American Idol judge
• REQUIREMENTS FOR FRIENDSHIP: Inability to sing, willingness to cry when insulted
• TEST OF LOYALTY: Hide Paula Abdul’s vodka
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COBRA COMMANDER

• WHO: Supreme leader of C.O.B.R.A. Command
• REQUIREMENTS FOR FRIENDSHIP: Must be completely fake and more evil than O.J. Simpson, Robert Mugabe, Dick Cheney and Simon Cowell (which pretty much narrows the list to Paris Hilton and Brody Jenner)
• TEST OF LOYALTY: Kill Snake-Eyes!