5 Crimes That Could Get Pacman Jones Banned

Pacman Jones is well on his way to making the banned.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen reported Monday that oft suspended, recently reinstated Dallas Cowboys defensive back Adam “Pacman” Jones will be banned from the National Football League for life if he gets in trouble again. Pacman first made embarrassing headlines in 2007 as a member of the Tennessee Titans when he was involved in a Las Vegas strip club shooting that paralyzed an employee (and then visited another strip club right before meeting with Commissioner Roger Goodell to discuss his misconduct).

The Commish suspended Jones for the entire 2007-08 season, then reinstated him last April. But in October, the derelict defender made his shit list again and was suspended four games when he got into a fight with one of his bodyguards. Jones ended up going to rehab for alcohol abuse and, based on recommendations from clinical specialists, he’s been reinstated again. But now, Pacman has to either be good or be gone for good. Knowing him, it’s a matter of when, not if, he’ll wash up in the Canadian Football League. Below, we envisions what the final straw could be…


INFRACTION: Police arrest Jones in a Dallas arcade when employees complain that he’s intoxicated and violating Ms. Pacman’s coin return slot.
• Odds: 100 to 1

INFRACTION: Jones incites a race riot in the Dallas locker room when he reveals that he became friends with O.J. Simpson during his legal struggles and even has an original copy of Juice’s book If I Did It with a personalized inscription: “Pacman, Always go for the jugular! (On the field, that is!) Much Love, O.J.”
• Odds: 50 to 1

INFRACTION: Police arrest Jones for noise pollution when his Posterboyz rap single “Let it Shine” makes all six of the group’s listeners’ ears bleed.
• Odds: 5 to 1

INFRACTION: Pacman is charged with assault when he slaps the shit out of Terrell Owens after a game and makes him cry. In between T.O.’s girlish cries for help, Pacman is heard admonishing the loudmouth receiver for being a distraction and dropping more balls than puberty.
• Odds: 2 to 1

INFRACTION: Dallas cheerleaders sue the NFL, the Cowboys and Pacman for sexual harassment when he mistakes them for strippers and makes it rain on them.
• Odds: Even