Aziz Ansari’s ‘Glow In The Dark’ Groupie Confessions
Aziz Ansari and his fellow pussy hounds, Nobel Laureate Paul Krugman and Usher
They say that if you can make a woman laugh, you can get in her pants. And judging by the stories we’ve been hearing from our homie Aziz Ansari, the star of MTV sketch comedy show Human Giant, no truer words have been spoken.
A couple weeks ago Aziz kicked off his “Glow In the Dark” stand-up tour (check the IM chat with Kanye that got the whole thing started), and apparently he’s been fighting off groupies like David Hasselhoff at an AARP convention ever since. We’ve been in touch with Aziz about working on some stuff for next year (spoiler!), and he wanted to share the latest road stories from his debauched tour. Read on to see what went down last weekend, in his own words…
FRIDAY:
I Fly into Chicago for the night. My friend Nick Kroll is opening this show for me and we rent a car to drive to Notre Dame on Saturday. We have a night to kill in Chicago.
We hit up the delicious Blackbird for dinner. While we are there, a woman comes up to our table and asks if I’m R&B superstar Usher.
I say, “No, unfortunately, I’m not Usher.”
“Wow, you really look like Usher!”
“I’m kidding, of course I’m Usher, sit down, have a drink with us.”
We started chatting and later that evening, we made out. It was awesome.
SATURDAY:
After the show in Notre Dame, Kroll and I were hanging out in the hotel lobby about to head to bed early to take it easy. I’m reading an op-ed in the New York Times by Paul Krugman. I feel a tap on my shoulder. It’s Paul Krugman.
“Hey! You’re reading my op-ed!!” he says.
“Yeah, Paul I am, that’s so crazy. I was about to head to bed, good meeting you,” I respond.
“Fuck no! I just won a Nobel Prize for economics, let’s go find some pussy!”
I know everyone thinks musician is the profession that leads to the most groupie love, but these people have never went out hunting for pussy with a Nobel Prize Winner in Economics. These dudes roll hardcore. The “Krug-Man,” as he prefers to be called when drinking, is able into waltz into any nightclub/bar in America and within a few minutes drop the fact that he predicted the current financial crisis months ago and next thing you know, girls are losing their shit. Neither Nick nor myself made out with anyone that night, but Paul made out with enough women for all three of us.
At the end of the evening fellow Times Op-Ed columnist Bob Herbert pulled up in a limo and opened up the door and said “Whattttup!!! Next stop'the hot tub!” The top of the limo then retracted revealing a HOT TUB IN THE BACK OF THE LIMO. The two Op-Ed writers hopped into the limo based hot tub with 7 girls and peeled out quicker than the economic downturn affected Iceland. We never saw them again.
SUNDAY:
On Sunday, Kroll and I had to fly back to LA. As I got on my flight, I realized I was seated next to a very, very attractive passenger. We started chatting and I thought it was clear she was interested in hooking up. As we head to the bathroom, someone trips me. I look over. It’s Usher.
“Hey Aziz, what the fuck is this shit you were pulling in Chicago?
Telling people you’re me!”
“Usher, it’s a misunderstanding, I’m sorry.”
Usher then did a weird dance move that was also somehow a fighting move that resulted in me getting kicked in the face. He proceeded to yell “HOOOOOOOOOOO!” at such a loud volume that it exploded the emergency exit door. Usher and I, not buckled, are instantly sucked out of the plane. Next thing you know, we’re in the air fighting.
A third passenger, flys out of the plane, with 3 large backpacks.
It’s Krugman.
“Listen players, there’s a enough ladies for all of us! Take these handgliders!!!”
He tosses the bags toward us, which turn into handgliders, and we glide back to the plane.
Once we got back in the plane, all differences were settled and we fucked every one on the plane and the flight even landed on time. What a weekend!
