Politickin’ With John Brown: McCain’s Real Concession

In this weekly column, rapper John Brown'the self-proclaimed “King Of Da Burbz”'will be offering his insight into politics and current events to the Complex readers. Check out “Politickin With John Brown” every Thursday.

Hallelujah! So apparently the American Dream is alive and kicking again. What a relief. When CNN declared Obama’s historical victory, I was drinking $12 Obama-mamas and hitting on future Hillarys at some limousine liberal party in Midtown.

I couldn’t wait to hear Team Maverick’s concession speech. If Barack’s moto was “Yes We Did” I could only assume that McCain’s chant to America was “No You Didn’t!” While McCain tried to redeem his public image by bullshitting a masterfully crafted congratulations speech, I couldn’t help but imagine what he really wanted to say. So I thought I’d take this time to say it for him…

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: Thank you. Thank you, my fellow white pro-Americans. Wow what a beautiful potential lynch mob we have here in anti-MLK Arizona! My friends, we have come to the end of a long journey of white supremacy, and frankly it scares me. The socialists, terrorists and African-Americans that comprise the Democratic party have spoken, and they have spoken articulately. (Boo) A little while ago, I had the humiliation of calling That One – Bill Ayers’ soulmate – Barack Hussein Obama, to mock him on inheriting this maverick economy that really shook up Wall Street. (chuckle, chuckle, chuckle)
CROWD: (chanting) “No You Did-n’t!!, No You Did-n’t!! No You Did-n’t!!”

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: In a contest as racist as this campaign has been, his success alone is pretty fucking troubling. I was really hoping these old slurs I used to throw around in my younger years would resonate more with voters. But we’ve become anti-American Americans and now names like Barack Hussein Obama are being accepted as American names! This is outrageous. It’s names like John, Cindy, Sarah and Todd that are the backbone of our tradition!
CROWD: (chanting) “USA!” “USA!” “USA!”

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: But this is an historic election, and I recognize the special significance it has for African-Americans and for the special pride that must be theirs tonight. So, African-Americans, if you’re out there listening all I have to say is “I don’t wanna hear shit about racial profiling anymore! We’ve become a nation of whiners!”
CROWD: [chanting] “NO MORE WHINING!”, “NO MORE WHINING!”, “NO MORE WHINING!”

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: I’ve always believed that America offers opportunities to all who have investment from pharmaceutical companies. Senator Obama believes that, too. But we both recognize that though we have come a long way from the old injustices that once stained our nation’s reputation, we’ll still lock you the fuck up for the rest of your natural life if you ever try to sell pills to Cindy. I tell you it’s the pushers that make my baby get hifey!
CROWD: (chanting) “LOCK ‘EM UP!” “LOCK ‘EM UP!” “LOCK ‘EM UP!”

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: A century ago, that tree-hugger Teddy Roosevelt invited Booker T. Washington to dine at the White House. This was taken as an outrage in many quarters of the country. And I’m proud to say that those same quarters of the country are precisely the states that overcame change and voted for me this evening!! Propelling my total electoral count to 43!!!
CROWD: “WE HAVE OVERCOME!”, “WE HAVE OVERCOME!”, “WE HAVE OVERCOME!”

Sincerely,

Senator John McCain