5 Ways Producers Get Us To Watch News

Last night may have been the biggest, and the best, night of news that we’ve had in a long time. Unfortunately, though, it only takes about 30 seconds to say, “Barack Obama won.” So what do the announcers talk about for the 8 hours leading up to that? Who knows.

In the never-ending idiot-fest that is network news, producers thought up the idea that having Black-Eyed Peas frontman Will.i.am. speak with Anderson Cooper via hollogram would be something interesting for the viewers. Sure we’re talking about it the next day, but a holographic Will I.Am, really CNN? We may have come a long way in how news is delivered, but there is still work to do. Read on to see this “feat of journalism” and our other top five lame network ideas producers are using to get more people to watch the news.

HOLLOGRAMS!

Here’s the actual video footage if you missed it last night. Will.i.am puts it best, “I’m being beamed to you like it’s Star Wars and stuff.” Truly visionary, we bet Fergie-Ferg is really proud of you.

FEMBOTS!

News Channels borrowed this one from the sports field. Have a pretty woman break the bad news, and it’s not so bad! Just imagine your d*ick in her mouth and its all good (too crass?). Anyway, networks, and Fox News in particular, have figured out that you can have a pretty woman talk about nothing, and people will still listen. Give up a half hour of Internet porn for Fox News’ Megyn Kelly, Jill Dobson, Julie Banderas, Courtney Friel, Jenna Lee, and Domenica Davis .

TOUCH SCREENS!
Again, just tell us the numbers. If it takes you five minutes, then great. We can get back to watching “I want to be Paris Hilton’s BFF.” No one cares how much functionality or how much money you have to waste our time with touch screens.

NEWS IN HD!

Speaking of Fox News, the O’Reilly Factor is about to get launched in HD. If you didn’t like this a-hole’s mindless right-wing rants before, wait till bring him into your living room in super high definition!

CURSE WORDS!

You can’t say the seven dirty words on network news, but you can always pretend it’s just a mistake! Cnn got all kinds of coverage and Youtube hits for telling the world what they thought of this cunt-tributor.