The Complex Election Night Drinking Game

As we’ve been told about 3 gatrillion times in the past few months, there’s a lot of young people voting and interested in this year’s election. And it also looks like the Republicans are gonna get trounced today. Which means everybody should have a good reason to get drunk tonight.

But don’t just drink aimlessly (that’s strictly for Libertarians). Instead, grab your remote control and as much liquor and beer as you can get your hands on, and get sloshed playing the Complex Election Night Drinking Game (complete with complimentary viewing guide!). Remember: freedom isn’t free, but there’s a two-for-one special on Mad Dog at the liquor store and freedom doesn’t taste like that oh-so-special combination of cherries and lighter fluid. Below, check out our guide to 15 drinks that will bring you through all the stages of election night…

DRINKS #1 – 4: FOX NEWS

Start your evening off with a few minutes of Fox News. Normally the drinking cue for Fox would be the first time a commentator mentions “terrorist fist bumps” or “Muslims” or “Negroes,” but these yahoos will probably be on their best behavior tonight, so instead wait for one of ‘em to say “the polls are tightening.” Make sure to “pause” accordingly, then salute the fatherland with a shot of cold vodka followed by a chugged German beer.

DRINKS #4 – 8: PBS

Next, “cleanse the pallet” with a little NewsHour on PBS. Here you’re going to find a bunch of professors in tweed jackets using complete sentences, so get a good pinot open and take a healthy sip every time you hear the phrases “paradigm shift” or “historical import.” If this starts to take too long, just pick out the old dude with the worst dandruff (you’ll prolly have a few to pick from) and start chugging every time he’s on screen.

DRINKS #9 – 12: CBS

Now that you’re warmed up, flip over to CBS to get the MSM’s take on things. Again, “pause” accordingly and shotgun a Schlitz whenever Katie Couric mentions “main street.” Change the channel immediately if you begin to find Katie attractive.

DRINKS #13 – 14: IS THIS THE END?

By now it should be close to 11 pm and the networks will be starting to call a winner. Flip back to Fox for just a few minutes; when you hear the phrase “scheduled to deliver his concession speech,” pop the Veuve.

DRINK #15: COMEDY CENTRAL

Close out the evening with Comedy Central’s election night coverage. It’s been a long night, but now is not the time for moderation. Each time Stephen Colbert points at the camera, have a drink (depending on the night’s results, that’ll either be a shot of Patron'or a cyanide-laced shot of Patron).