5 Ways To Pass Off Fake Money
Funny money is not a laughing matter.
Real money buys fake friends but apparently fake money gets you a jumper and a jail cell. In a travesty of justice, Secret Service agents arrested a man in Secaucus, NJ on Halloween for tipping strippers with counterfeit bills he'd printed on his home computer (seriously, fake money should at least be good for fondling fake fun bags).
OK, we admit that making funny money and attempting to pass it off on the hardworking Ladies of the Pole is lower than a belly flop booty clap, but what's your average dude who doesn't print his own paper supposed to do when he gets stuck with chump change? Fuck if we're gonna be where the buck stops, so Complex came up with a few people you can pawn your worthless wad off on. Of course, actually doing this is illegal and makes you a horrible person, so don’t say we didn’t warn you.
#5 FOREIGNERS
• Reason: There was a time when everyone was thirsty for an American money shot but nowadays U.S. dollars only impress people in Third World countries. That actually works out quite nicely because that’s where the best child sex workers are, and if there’s one thing child prostitution ringleaders are not known for, it’s making citizen’s arrests.
• Danger: If there’s one place you never want to take a sex vacation, it’s a Tijuana prison.
#4 THE HOMELESS
• Reason: People never approach smelly bums, so imagine the joyous look on their face when you step up and lace them with a $100. They’ll feel great and so will you. And they probably won’t notice it’s suspect currency (when was the last time they saw money anyway, right?). Even if they do notice, they’ll find some way to flip it, like turning it into wallpaper for their cardboard crib. Homeless people are crafty like that.
• Danger: They may try to hug you.
#3 DONATION COLLECTORS
• Reason: If there’s any place to show out, church is it. You’ll look like you just bought an eternity of good will and make your grandmama proud. Plus, you won’t be funding institutional pedophilia.
• Danger: Eternal damnation and things of that nature.
#2 BOOTLEGGERS
• Reason: Who better to give your money to than someone who makes a living selling knockoffs? It’s the circle of life. And, if they try to call you out, you can always tell them you’ll send Jim Jones’s goons to fuck their whole operation up if they don’t lace you with a Guccci bag for your boo.
• Danger: You may not get to see a grainy copy of Quantum of Solace with some dude’s half-fro in the picture and a kid with bronchitis adding hacking coughs to the soundtrack. Noooo!
#1 CLUB BOUNCERS
• Reason: Meathead bouncers are much more likely to let you slide past if you grease their palms (pause). Plus, with so many douchebags trying to push past them, what’s the chance they’ll notice your paper is more artificially pumped than their pecs?
• Danger: Remember how The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase used to stuff money into the mouths of the wrestlers he’d just beaten? With most bills having trace amounts of feces on them, you do not want to taste defeat.
