Politickin’ With John Brown: Scandal-Free First Ladies

In this new weekly column, rapper John Brown'the self-proclaimed “King Of Da Burbz”'will be offering his insight into politics and current events to the Complex readers. Check out “Politickin With John Brown” every Thursday.

As we approach the final stretch to Election Day, I’ve been reflecting on how relatively scandal-free this campaign has played out. To both candidates’ credit, there haven’t been many skeletons in the closet that have come back to haunt them. Where’s the Jennifer Flowers? Paula Jones? Donna Rice? Where’s the sleaze, for goodness sakes?!

You get the impression that John McCain relies on Cindy for an allowance and Michelle seems to have the homie Barack on lock. That’s definitely not the norm, because most of these politicians have bigger egos than rappers, and no amount of spousal attention will diminish their Rastafarian desire to spread the seed. So in honor of Cindy and Michelle, I’ve compiled a list of the top 5 first ladies from around the world who are most likely to prevent a Lewinsky-esqe scenario. Check the list below…

#5: ASMA AL-ASSAD (Syria)

She has many of the characteristics of an exceptional woman; graduated with first class honors, was independently wealthy as an investment banker and she’s pretty fucking attractive. On the other hand, her own political ambitions have put
her at odds with not only citizens, but with her mother-in-law. Granted, most first ladies must have some Freudian tension with their husband’s mom, but their public feud definitely gives President Bashar Al-Assad a “mulligan” in the event of a casual affair.

#4: QUEEN RANIA (Jordan)

By most accounts, Queen Rania was on her way to becoming a drop-dead gorgeous CitiBank teller when she had the come-up of her lifetime and met Jordan’s future King, Abdullah bin Al-Hussein, at some dinner party. They married six months later. Talk about taking an opportunity and running with that shit. It’s safe to assume King Abdullah is pretty sprung on Rania and won’t deviate.

#3: MEHRIBAN ALIYEVA (Azerbaijan)

Yeah, she’s a trained physician, went to prestigious universities and was elected to her country’s National Assembly, but for all her achievements, there’s one that shines above the rest: this Azerbaijan patriot works as an UNESCO Goodwill Ambassador for promoting the country’s oral traditions. Move over Monica, your services are no longer required.

#2: METTE-MARIT (Norway)

Her bio’s a little more Bristol Palin than Hannah Montana. She met her future husband, Crown Prince Haakon, at some hippie rock festival where they were probably shrooming together. I have to say, Prince Haakon went through it to co-sign Mette-Marit into the royal family. Not only did she get pregnant out of wedlock, but her ex-boyfriend was a convicted Norwegian drug dealer. After such public scrutiny, I don’t think Haakon would jeopardize his relationship with the Norwegian Courtney Love. There’s something about Marit.

#1: CARLA BRUNI (France)

I’m sorry, but I think President Sarkozy is wilin’ with Carla Bruni. Is she sexy? Of course. But you can’t turn a ho into a first lady! Sarkozy thinks he’s like the French Brett Michaels and he just found his multi-lingual “Rock of Love” winner. Not only did she help to destroy one of Mick Jagger’s marriages, but she also dated another one of the Rolling Stones and sort of prides herself on being the “other woman.” And that’s EXACTLY why she’d be great in preventing a President Sarkonzy from getting his JFK on. It takes one to know one, and she’ll spot the home wreckers instantly. Perhaps I should give Sarkozy more credit'he promoted Carla the groupie so he could stay focused. Makes sense.

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