R.I.P. Zima: The Greatest Chick Drinks of All Time

Today’s stock tip: Buy Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery shares. Why go for jug wine stocks today, you ask? Well, Gallo makes Boone’s Farm wines, and with the news yesterday that the famed malternative (yes, it’s called that in the press release) beverage Zima was being discontinued, there’s suddenly a huge void in the liquor-drinks-for-young-girls market.

Okay, “huge void” may be overstating things just a tad; truth is, we didn’t even know they still made Zima these days. Still, Zima brings back lots of memories'hanging with young chicks, plying them with alcohol that tasted like soda and then…well, suffice it to say our memories are probably clearer than theirs (it was only last Friday, after all). In remembrance of the Z, we pour a little on the ground and rate the greatest chick drinks of all time below…

5. BARTLES & JAYMES

Kinda the Budweiser of chick drinks, B&J gets some pretty obvious bonus points for its suggestive abbreviation. And apparently in Indiana they mix wine coolers with malt liquor to make something called a “Moe.” Which is sure to help your chances when you spring your “Yeah, I dig Mellencamp, but he was so much cooler when he was just John Cougar ” pickup line.

4. MIKE’S HARD LEMONADE

Any alcoholic drink that a father mistakenly buys his son at a baseball game is an All-Star chick drink. Aside: University of Michigan professors are dumb as shit.

3. ST. IDES’ SPECIAL BREW

Sure, St. Ides used Snoop and ‘Pac (and Redman and Method Man on the East Coast) to pitch this malt liquor when it came out in the mid-’90s, but with flavors like Passion and Mixed Fruit, Special Brew was definitely for the ladies (unless you’re this Mixed Fruit).

2. ZIMA

What, you thought we were gonna go with Smirnoff Ice here? Fuck outta here. According to wikipedia, “zima” means “winter” in a half-dozen Eastern European languages; according to Ted at Kappa house, “zima” means “gettin’ some trim fer sure” in douchebaglish.

1. BOONE’S FARM

For sentimental reasons, we’d love to put Zima in the top spot, but journalistic integrity demands that we go with the champ. Don’t believe us? Ask Sara from Bloomington, Indiana at the Boone’s Farm fan club: “I love Boone’s Farm cause it gets you drunk and the you can make bad decisions and wake up with a headache.”